Topic : Love Being Single

You go girl!  You are right , life is who we are, I am learning more and more.  

I am on the second book of Dr. Phil's.  I thought truly he could not teach me anything, but I was wrong, he is, he has and I have a feeling it is not the last.  

  

Love being single too!   

I'm new here at this Dr. Phil message board group, so wasn't really paying attention to the dates of the writings. I assumed at first that this mooching off you was something current. But I'm happy to hear that it's all sorted now and that he has come clean and sober too! : ) Ah, and you/we never have to go through anything like this again either! It's when we understand our own reactions and behaviours that we understand ourselves better. Most tend to choose to function on autopilot..LOL! But what I mean is that we can learn from our experiences and never allow similar outcomes to develope themselves again. I certainly have learned my lesson(s) well.. : ) What works for me is to keep reminding myself of who I really am and what I really want and deserve. Others pick up on our energies, and if it's assertive and clear, moochers and their ilk remove themselves from it. So yeah, keep reminding yourself that you are worthy and deserving of the best and noone will be able to use and abuse you again. There are plenty of wonderful and supportive people to hang around with, and they eventually find their way to us somehow. And we become more of the company we keep. As the old saying goes, "Birds of a feather flock together". Let they be free birds of happiness.

I'm new to this board too but not to posting in general. (I started out with Prodigy BBS 15 years ago).   

  

I really love the Dr Phil show. I look forward to it every weekday. I've been watching his show for about 2 years. He makes you feel like you're really there and like you really know him. There are some times when I can predict what he will say such as: "You can't change what you don't acknowledge..." "There are several deal breakers..." and then there are other times when he still surprises me.  

  

Anyhow, the mooching with my ex started nearly 5 years ago and it went from bad to worse. The last 2 years that we were together was when he started with the drinking again. That's when I realized that our days together were numbered. It was just a matter of time before I would be pushed too far. I felt like he was a kid testing me to see how much stuff he could get away with. 

  

He wanted me to be super strict with my kids, like his mom was with him. But I told him I felt like that method backfired with him because he still has a problem with authority. "Give him any rule, he'll break it." He had problems with teachers in school, with the police, and with his boss. He still can't tolerate being told what to do.   

  

Anyhow, I'm glad that's behind me. I wish he would move on with his life though and stop trying to convince me that he's changed. 

  

I'm so glad that you've written to me. Thanks so much for your continuing support. 

It's a pleasure writing to you, and it's so nice to be appreciated in return too.: ) In South Africa, the Dr. Phil Show is somewhat behind you guys. Last Tuesday we viewed his 500th show. It was a public holiday here, so I got to see it! : ) It appears in the afternoon at 1 PM so I normally miss it, due to work. Before I started working again, I never missed an episode and once even took my portable TV to the forest to watch the birth of baby Nathan!!! : ) I just couldn't miss that episode, so I Mc Guivered the vehicles cigarette lighter fitting to a lead and to the TV for power and sat in the woods barbecueing and watching Dr. Phil. LOL! I feel that it's really unfair that in SA, Oprah gets Prime Time viewing and also a 10 pm repeat, while Dr. Phil only gets the 1 PM afternoon slot : ( I don't watch that much TV, but really enjoy(ed) the Dr. Phil show. I believe that one can change. I know that I have have changed lots! LOL! Evolution is change...everything changes and if there's one given... it's that everything is in motion and that change is inevitable and a given..: )Yet we're talking of behaviours and if one has truly changed, they and others will notice the difference in their behaviour and attitude. One will feel the difference in their energies. I had to break off ALL contact with my ex for months before I could even get to know her as a friend again. At first I allowed her to come by and visit the cats or to do shopping or accounting or filing for me or whatever other excuse she had. And this just kept me connected to the drama and the pain of it all. I simply had to break all ties for my own sake and hers. Many months later I could better accept the situation and start a different cycle of friendship with her again. I avoided discussions involving our breakup and her relationship with another....and focused more on what we could and did share in resonance. Today we are really good friends, even though we don't visit each other regularly or even speak that much on the phone. It's always nice to hear from her..and I myself also occasionally give her a courtesy call or visit. And I just believe that it's best to be friendly with everyone, you know? And at the same time to also be self considerate and to avoid negative people that drain us energetically.There may be people that hate me for whatever THEIR reason, but I can face the world without hating or resenting them or anyone else. Even her ex and my ex business partner....If I see him, I will nod a greeting, but I don't want to be involved in any other way with him again, you know? As long as I carry integrity and honesty within me, I'll be carrying peace in my heart. So yeah, I don't know about you and your situation and feelings towards your ex, but maybe it's just not the right time right now to persue a friendship connection with him. There may still healing wounds and maybe those need to be healed completely before an honest friendship can evolve itself from the ashes of what once was. At first, I had to block my cellphone from her number and also block her e-mail address. I even moved to a new residential address to break this energetic connection in a clean break. I was so tired of the confusion and drama that just seemed to follow any connection with her. Time itself allowed me to heal and to form a more meaningful friendship with her ( and also with others ). If you don't want him around trying to convince you, maybe the best is to make yourself really clear about this. If he's really interfering, that may mean getting an interdict or court order or whatever else you guys do there in the US. It may mean changing phone numbers or getting caller ID and/or getting a change of e-mail address, or blocking him as a sender. It may even mean physically moving to another address. You know how he connects to you...so you'll see where and how to stop it, if you really want to end it. Sometimes words are just not enough..sometimes they need to be followed by some form of assertive action. And it doesn't mean that the two of you will never ever be friends again..it just means that you both now maybe really need a break and the space to regroup your Individual energies and to continue your separate and individual lives. The path may lead together again under different circumstances..and you guys may also decide to bury the hatchet, accept the changes and be friends again..but it all has to start somewhere first where you both start anew on a clean slate. But this of course is entirely for you to decide what you feel is best for you. If you want a clean break, I suggest that you GO FOR IT! : ) Yeah, just go for it and do what you need to do and then take it from there. You're too nice a person..and sometimes that shows up in others as a weakness in ourselves. But Nice can also mean FAIR and SINCERE....be Fair to YOURSELF first, you know? Yeah and for the kiddies too. And you really don't want them caught up in the middle of emotional drama's either..but you'll figure it all out and sort it out to the best of your and their approval.. : ) If I look back on all my friendships and relationships...LOL...none were ever that bad, you know? Although at times, some were really AWFUL : ( ... But Time itself puts a different perspective on things..and maybe we can't change our past, but we sure can change our perspective of it..and that somehow really changes it too : ) So yeah, I'm not bitter or resentful about anything ( any longer..LOL )..I sorta see how everything slotted in through my own choices at any given time..and all those choices and experiences have led me to HERE. And here can be a nasty or a nice place..and it's really up to me to decide what I want for here and now, and for my future too from here, you know? I have this choice...everyone has it..and irrespective the past, it's all about what we choose NOW. If I want things to change...well I get to change them for myself. I make the decisions and then I commit to them. The most difficult decision EVER was to quit smoking! I had tried everything to quit and had successfully unsuccessfully quitted many times too! Then one day I heard the Good ole Doctor say that it's" NOT about Whiteknuckeling it out..it's about making a lifestyle decision and change!". This was in relation to obesity, and had nothing to do with smoking, but that statement just cut through me. Yet smoking was not the only bad lifestyle behaviour I had..so I looked at the rest..and another biggie came up for me... Mooching off myself..LOL! Yeah I was mooching off myself. I wasn't working and was ( still am ) receiving an independent outside monthly income, so I just stayed at home loafing ( and watching dr. Phil ).. Anyways, I decided to start working again and to quit smoking at the same time..that was 14th July 2005! I have not puffed on a cigarette since, and have worked a mountaineering job (and quitted it because of a broken ankle injury when I fell down the mountain ..LOL ), and have now recently ( healed the broken ankle and ) started another job! I'm extremely happy in my new job as it's also outdoors in Nature and I'm a foreman of a good friends business! The DECISION TO COMMIT ( to quitting smoking and to start working) was the difficult part..the rest has been pretty easy..no whiteknuckeling at all..LOL! Yeah the decision for the lifestyle change was difficult! I never dreamed that I could EVER quit smoking ( or start working again)..yet I did! And really it's thanks to Dr. Phil and his wisdom and insights as tools. Just by making these two lifestyle changing choices and decisions, my whole life has changed. So, I guess I just want to thank Dr. Phil and also share his great wisdom that you and others may also know the difference that it has made and can make in anyones lives too. It's as easy as... Decide and Commit to a desired lifestyle change and then stick to it and easily flow with it to newer experiences : ) Thanks again for the connection and correspondence. Take Care...Bestest Wishes... P.S. I'm not sure how you write in paragraphs here as when I submit it just comes through as one long and unbroken letter, even though I write in paragraphs????

Oh before I forget it, if you want to make paragraphs just hit the enter key twice instead of just once. One of my friends told me about that so I thought I'd pass it along. 

  

I think it's so fascinating that you live in South Africa. Wow. That sounds like a very interesting place. I think I'd like to go there someday. Actually I'd like to go to all of the continents but something about Africa sounds so especially intriguing to me. 

  

I have so much I want to say but right now I need to study for my last midterm. I just don't want you to think I forgot about you. My midterm is tomorrow. I'm so worried about it. 

  

I never smoked but I can appreciate what you went through. I am still addicted to chocolate. My doctor said that really is a real addiction. I'm trying to break away from it but it's hard. Once I sneak one then I have to go through the addiction thing all over again. Kinda like an alcoholic only it's not as dangerous. 

  

I hope you'll keep writing. I'll write more after my midterm is over. 

  

Sylvia 

Hello Sylvia,Well I guessed your name was Sylvia by your username : ) It's a pretty name. BTW, My real name is Keith I love Merlin (the Magician), so that's my username LOL! Best Wishes with your midterm today! What are you studying? Don't worry I'll keep writing and won't worry that you're not writing. Write as it suites you and as time allows you. I take things as they come and in my stride.Oh and the chocolate addiction... don't worry, I know ALL about it too LOL! I don't take much sugar..don't really drink fizzy drinks or really eat sweet things either...I don't take sugar in my coffee, yet love one tsp of sugar or honey in my tea : ) But when it comes to craving chocolates, I'm a complete sucker..LOL! Yeah I don't eat them for months and then one day I feel like one and that lasts everyday for a month or maybe longer LOL! Then just as quickly as it came, the craving gets satisfied. I guess I'm due again sometime soon, as I have not had a chocolate or craving for one for almost a year...geez! So I wouldn't give myself a complex about the cravings for chocolate. I guess it's also kind of natural. I know some people really have a refined sugar problem, but occasional chocolate binges are ok, I guess! It really does me no harm. But if one has a sugar addiction problem, one can substitute it and absorb fructose ( fruit sugars) instead of the refined Sucrose sugars..and that's as easy as simply eating fruit instead of chocolates and sweets. Yeah I once gave up sugar completely, ( after reading a book called "The Sugar Blues" LOL ) and I moved over to fruit. I took no refined sugar in anything for more than a year. I guess that's why I still take very little refined sugar, and yet also binge on chocolates LOL! I just believe that everything in moderation is good and a good ole binge once in a while is not really that bad either : ) Smoking is another story! Goodness, I smoked for more than 30 years..and I chain smoked up to 90 or 100 a day. This is now behind me completely. I sometimes still feel a craving for a puff, but it's just not worth it. It's like having a nicotene monster living inside of you..and the moment you take that first puff, it awakens the monster and then it begins to grow..it wants more and more. Ah, I'm so glad that I made that decision to quit and did it. Yeah I'm done smoking..I'm a nonsmoker and I feel so good to be able to say that instead of defending myself as a smoker..LOL! I quit smoking with the help of a product called "Zyban". My biggest problem with giving up was the withdrawal symptons. Man, they were unpleasant.... and severe! Irritability surely the worst of the lot! But also wheezing, shortness of breathe, hayfever, shivers, headaches, dizziness, body aches etc. With taking Zyban I experienced none of these..and it even addressed the cravings. It was so easy to do with Zyban. I only took a 30 day course of these tablets and then went 'cold turkey' with a smile after that. I'm now going clean for onto 8 months : ) Ah South africa is really a wonderful place! I live in "The Mother City" of Cape Town. It is a Peninsula..which is like an Island, yet it's only surrounded by water on 3 sides instead of all around. There are two oceans namely The Indian and the Atlantic. I live between both and 2 miles separates me from the sea on either side. I'm in a valley of mountains, so the views out here are absolutely amazing. My greatest hobby is nature walking and hiking...either in the mountains, or in the forests or long beach walks. All are within a few minutes drive from where I live : ) We have a Mediteranean climate which is warm to hot Summers and cool to cold Winters. It does not snow in Cape Town, but does at other inland areas. The area is perfect for agricultural farming of livestock and vegetables and fruits. Farming is very big in South Africa and we produce surely of the best wines in the world too! South Africans are very friendly and outgoing and outdoors people, by nature. Yeah South Africa is a Paradise of note : ) If you're ever really serious about visiting here, let me know. I'm a great organizer and will gladly help to organize things this side for you.There's a saying that says, "Be careful what you wish for, it may just come true!" LOL! But yeah it's really true that our greatest fear is NOT failure and misery..it's really Success and Happiness! We're so used to "failure" and Misery, it's sorta second nature to us..so why would we fear it, you know? Yet Success and Happiness...well that is something new and unknown and that scares most people really bad..hence the saying be careful what you wish for. It can happen just like that, you know? Fear is something that is nothing more than UNFAMILIAR and UNKNOWN. What we are familiar with does not scare us..it may irritate and frustrate us, but it'll never scare us! And that's why most people don't choose happiness and success you know? They're so familiar with pain and suffering and belittling and selling themselves so far short..it's crazy, but they choose that instead coz it's somehow normal to them and it's also KNOWN and Familiar.... it's really crazy, but it's also really TRUE! LOL! Ah and to me there's really no real failure in life. There's only experiences and experiments...and a good scientist get's it a million times wrong til he gets it right! There's no failure, maybe there's a sense of misjudgement or mistakes..but that can never constitute to failure. Does a crawling baby consider itself a failure, simply because it's frustrated that it has not yet learned to walk? Do we consider the baby a failure? No ways it's still developing and learning, you know? And it's the same with us too. We may stand up and fall down and then try again and eventually we get it right. Yeah our backsides may even hurt and bring frustration and tears to our eyes, but that's not failure! Yet most have this crazy idea that if we don't get it somehow right ( especially in relationships and business ) first time, we must be failures...it's really absurd, don't you think? Even the moochers are not failures..they're just choosing to take it easy and to mooch! And they can come out of it and "succeed" again anytime they choose and decide. I'm no failure...you're no failure...no ones really a failure...we're all really just experiencers and experimentors of our own choices. Yeah maybe we made some really dumb choices at one time or other...maybe we knocked our heads really hard..maybe we did it more than once over the same thing too...but we never really failed...we learned a lesson, and a lessons will tend to repeat themselves til we get it..LOL! So Yeah and we're really our own teachers you know? It may seem as if it's someone else..but they're really there as mirroring props! They're really showing us our choices..that's all..LOL! Everyone reflects back to us what we're mirroring inside in our thoughts and our feelings. It's just the way that it is for me..the way that I understand it best... everyone creates their own reality..and everyone else in it, is really a mirrored reflection of something about themselves. And that's why I don't wanna struggle with anyone or anything..coz I'll really be struggling with something about me..and I don't want to struggle with me..I'd rather know what it's really about, you know? And a struggle is always about one of TWO things..it's either about Power or it's about Love! It's either a power struggle or it's a love struggle! Is this not so? Think of any struggle with ANYONE..including with ourselves...it's always about being "disempowered" / 'less than' / maybe even an idea of 'more than' or 'better than'..but it's about Power and a weird sense of "inferiority and superiority". And if we believe that we're inferior in one aspect, we'll try and prove our superiority in another..and that struggle is really with OURSELVES trying to prove something really silly...LOL! Why fight about this when we can claim our power without struggling, you know? It's really all about what we believe that we deserve..and that we don't have to prove or defend to and from anyone! It's really just a belief and a way of life! I don't struggle, coz really I don't want to waist my time or energy on nonsense! I'd rather use it to overcome challenges and to fullfil goals. There's a huge difference between Struggling and Accepting and Facing a Challenge! We only struggle with struggles...we accept (or deny ) Challenges.So yeah about others that drain us or use and abuse us..it's really us that drain ourselves struggling with this! Why the heck struggle when we can simply take the desired necessary action without a fuss, eh? No, I don't waste my time and energy on nonsense in Power struggles..and the same goes for Love struggles..it's really all about ourselves too! If we truly love ourselves, we'll be loving and happy with or without a partner and we won't be struggling ( for acceptence ) at all. And when and if we're with a partner, what will there be struggles about? Yeah there may be CHALLENGES, but never a struggle...unless we still choose to struggle LOL! And this is why I can say that I'm happy single and that I'll be happy in a relationship too : ) It's different in that another is involved with decisions etc..yet it's really no different when it comes to self love and self respect and shared love and shared respect, you know? Self love, Self acceptence and Self empowerment is surely the golden key to all struggles ceasing. They start with us and they get to end with us too : ) A struggle is never really about another person..how can it be when we're actually the ones feeling what we're feeling...thinking what we're thinking, experiencing what we're actually chosen to experience? And we're really the ones choosing this all, you know? Unless we choose otherwise : ) Ah this is just how I understand myself better and why and how I choose to NOT struggle. It's really a waste of precious time and energy to struggle, especially when there are other non~struggling choices too : ) Have a great day and week ahead, Sylvia. Best wishes with the exams! Talk to you soon again.Keith.

Wow thanks Keith! I think you could be a philosophy professor. LOL 

  

I am studying Criminal Justice and Sociology. I just talked to my advisor today. I told him I want to take more Spanish courses so I can become bilingual so I'd have a better chance at getting a job. He thinks that's a good idea. 

  

I think my voice is a big handicap. So many people say I'm too quiet and they can't hear me. Today my advisor told me that my quietness can be a good thing. He thinks my voice is very calming and it will make people calm down and be quiet so they will listen to me.  

  

I am also so shy in person. I think I may have social anxiety disorder. I think I may ask my doctor what to do about that the next time I see him...if I'm not too SHY!!! 

  

I have to see my doctor every 3 weeks because I'm trying to get in better shape for my 20th high school reunion that is coming up this October. I was barely 100 pounds in high school so I want to still be recognizable when I go to that. I'm afraid they're gonna say, "What happened to you?!" (Not in a good way!) 

  

Yeah I love chocolate. It's hard to stay away from that but I REALLY want to lose the weight... and it REALLY doesn't want to come off. Sometimes I get so tired of worrying about how I look. I've been dieting since I was 13 and then I really didn't need to but at the time I thought I did. (I've been told I was anorexic.) 

  

Anyway yeah I would like to go to Africa sometime. I'd like to meet you someday too. Are you originally from Africa or did you move there? My ex-husband moved to Australia and I don't think he'll ever want to come back to the United States. 

  

I've been to Canada, Mexico, Cozumel, Hawaii, Oahu, and several states in the US. I'm originally from Tennessee... 

  

Wow I'm really rambling and it doesn't even make any sense. 

  

Glad to hear you quit smoking though. 

  

KIT 

Sylvia 

Hello Again Sylvia : ), A philosophy proffesor? LOL! I like that..: ) : ) : ) LOL!! Yeah, I loved reading Friederich Nietche's Philosophical viewpoints and works as a younger guy. But then again, I guess my whole life I have really been asking myself really two grand philosophical questions. "Who am I?" and "What is my Purpose here?" LOL!!! I guess I have those now Intellectually and Experientially figured out for myself . : ) I'm cool with my answers and understandings to that .... and there's kinda no more philosophicalness that winds up in an unquestionable, unfathomable mind mess..LOL! One can really go crazy if we're too philosophically enquiring. Sometimes we just need to relax and simply give ourselves an answer to those questions and then get on with life, and take that to it's next grandest level of experience, you know? Now how's that for a Simple, Basic Philosophy? LOL! But yeah it is great to expand and experiment with our minds and grey matter...LOL! I love Intellectual / Mental Challenges too... Oh so you're studying Criminal Justice and Sociology? That's very interesting! Yeah and maybe you really need to stand up for justice and socio ~equalness through selfempowerment or legal enforcement : ) Sometimes our backgrounds of our pasts are the greatest motivators for future careers or "calling" paths forwards. I find that so very interesting, that we can use our 'negative' past experiences as tools and motivators to positively expand ourselves and also to teach and lead others. That's so awesome! It's also interesting in that I was also kinda involved in Criminal Justice and Sociology out here in SA for 13 years of my life, too : ) Yeah I was in the Police Service here, and studied Criminal law, Statuatory law, Criminology and Ethnology and Criminal Procedure and a second language ( English and Afrikaans ). The greatest rewards lay in the outside experience, though! : ) I once was even called to act as a Prosecutor ( District Attorney ) in a court of law ( under a subsection of the SA Criminal Procedure Act 51/1977 ) too : ) That was really AWESOME..LOL! Ah, I was 17 when I joined the Police and had worked surely all the units from beat patrol to court duties, to Investigation, including also Counter Insurgency Border duties. The thrill of the unknown, really kept me alive and not bored..LOL! Yeah, I once even worked as a "Legal~Medico" at the State Mortuary for two years of the 13! I assisted with the postmortems of all unnatural deaths. This was extremely interesting! I guess I can say that my life has indeed been / IS an extensive and techni-coloured experience. I had 2 Near Death Experiences in the Police too. One when I was shot at at almost pointblank range from behind a vehicle, and another on the border, when I walked slap bang into a hidden Insurgent armed with an AK 47 rifle aimed in my face! Ah the life in the Criminal Justice Department...never a dull Moment..LOL! There's some real positives..GOSH...some real positives. But being subjected to that kinda negativity and violence at a young and impressionable age is also something else. In 1976 at the age of 18...2 months into my 18th year, I was thrown into the middle of the "1976 Riots" of Soweto, Attridgeville and Mamelodi. I was still under training at the time, and still had 6 months to graduate! Yet I was there amed with a R1 rifle ( an improved version of the old French FN Rifle) and 9 mm Parabellum pistol, experiencing more than just a Hollywood portrayal of Arson, Anarchy, Mayhem...... rage, pillage, destruction, violence, bloodshed, death, mob psychosis etc!! It was frigging scarey... yet massively adrenaline driven intriguing and exciting too...it was my first real solo introduction into the real world after school.... Yet I also got to save lives.... to help people and also save and protect property, pets and people. : ) : ) : ) Yeah, there was/IS Plenty of reward(s) along with the stresses and negatives! I once even initiated an International BBC ( British Broadcasting Corporation) Wildlife Awareness broadcasted programme into my Investigation into organized wildlife poaching of CITES Protected Rhinoceros and Elephants in the Caprivi area of Namibia in 1989 : ) If anything was most rewarding, I guess this is one of my top 3 experiences / successes! : ) Sylvia, Shyness is ok..it's kinda cool, I think! : ) Yeah, I'm sometimes a shy guy too. I personally don't like speaking to an audience or appearing on camera. It just makes me feel weird...LOL! But I'm confident in myself, you know? One can be shy and get very far as long as one is confident. Shyness and Lack of Confidence are NOT synonomous with each other...so yeah just be and practice your self confidence, you know? And you have that..Of Course you do! Otherwise you would not have gone into these further studies, you know? So KNOW your strengths..and yeah also know your lessor strengths! I don't call them weaknesses, coz they're really just underdeveloped strengths, you know? Shyness is not a weakness at all..lack of confidence is an underdeveloped strength... and we can all do something about that too if we wanted or needed to, you know? A soft voice is cool too! : ) I love soft voices! : ) Yeah most people don't like a big mouth...and that goes for MYSELF and surely most men and women too! I personally don't go for loudmouthed people, unless they're Rock Singers, Cheerleaders, Announcers/ Commentators or Auctioneers or Theatre / Screen Actors or whatever else needs a strong loud voice, you know? I talk a lot, but I don't loud mouth myself, either...LOL! I speak at an audible level, unless I'm cheering for my rugby side or miming along to Heavy Metal or Rock music...LOL! So yeah a soft voice is really a golden key..look just where it got Norma Jean ( Marilyn Monroe )...ooopps, it also kinda got her kinda killed off, didn't it? LOL! No.. that wasn't because of her voice, was it? LOL! .. : ) The real point is that we can exploit our "weaknesses" and they can become our greatest strengths too! But we also need to SPEAK UP too. Yeah Sylvia, we simply need to learn to really speak up in matters that concerns us / our career. Just be confident and speak up for what you feel and believe in. Don't allow others to tell you the what's and why's and wherefore's...you need to start telling them your what's and why's and wherefore's..OK? Don't put yourself down, man! I don't see you as a putdown..I don't see you as a doormat either. I wouldn't be here if I did, you know? I really don't hang around doormatting with other doormats, you know : ) ..and the fact that I'm here, should actually tell you something about yourself too : ) I believe that you have the confidence and stuff in you to make a big difference in your life and also in the lives of others that you meet and touch with. Just bear that in mind and grasp that, and you'll move greater mountains before you : ) Who says you have to see a doctor every 3 weeks? That really sounds kinda crazy? Are you the crazy one or is he? LOL! Ah, I'm making light of this...but in seriousness, WHY every 3 weeks? Are you dying or something? Maybe like really sick with a lifethreatening disease or something? Don't we go see doctors when we need stitches or a plaster splint for broken bones or checkups and cleanbandages or something? I don't know about weight problems..it's more like it's a fashionable woman thing, I guess..and unless it's obesity and really dangerous to ones health, I find it absurd that people fuss so much over it. It's more like it's a mental battle than a health problem...I myself am carrying a few pounds too much around my middle. I know this has to do with my eating after quitting smoking. I expected and kinda knew this would happen before I gave up, and I simply prepared myself for it. Yet I can live with it, without it being a major issue for me..and yeah man, I can excercize it away, you know? But I'm taking time out for me..I have just taken on 2 major lifestyle changes at once..so these few pounds are really no issue for me at this moment in time. If it get's worse, I'll address it..and slowly it'll balance itself on it's own. Already, I have effortlessly started losing some of it again. Just naturally, through coming into a greater balance with my eating cravings after the smoking cravings..and also because I'm an active and energetic guy. Sylvia, weight unless it's obesity or really uncomfortable and unhealthy is NO PROBLEM in REALITY! I think skinniness is really more unhealthy than "fattiness". Personally, I prefer "Curvey 'n Voluptuous" women, myself. I don't care much for that fashionable skin and bone stuff..I looooooove flesh and curves..and really I guess that MOST men do too. To me, these "glamour models" look pale and sick and anemic and undernourished!!!!...Just my opinion and personal "chick choices" though... Anyways, another thing...What the heck is a "Social Anxiety Disorder"???? Goodness, why do people label themselves with these weird things? Are you feeling anxious about socializing here with me? You wanna know what I think? I think that maybe you read too much into, and listen too much into what others write or say! : ) If you look at it logically and break it down simply for yourself...what is "Anxiety" really?..it's surely really a panic or a fear kinda thing...and you're really out there in the world..I mean you work with people and you talk with people and study with people..and you've dated guys and married guys etc...does this rationally sound like a panic disorder of socialness? Yeah maybe you're been burned by being socially active..maybe you've "hermitized" yourself in a kinda solitude for a while...and maybe there's still a little fear still lurking around being burned again..but you're socializing anyways without fearing, you know? I mean you're here writing to me PUBLICALLY! How much more UNfearful and Social / Sociable can that be? I mean you're sharing such personal and intimate details with me and THE WORLD, and this doesn't scare you or drive you into a panic...so what's up with this "disorder" nonsense, you know? Don't you wanna be socially free and happy without these weird labels? Out in the world and enjoying all that life has to offer, without labels of self judgements?? Goodness, I choose that for myself and maybe I'm suffering from an "anti labelling and anti~antisocial disorder"?...LOL! You also say you're afraid of what these other guys are gonna say? Who cares what they say and why? Anyways, what they say has first to be INTERPRETED by YOU! And what you hear, is really your own inner dialogue that reasons it all out. Not so? And even if they do say something "bad" about you/ your weight...you say it's been 20 YEARS? You say you have given birth to Children??? Doesn't time and birthing children change our physical bodies? I'm kinda just asking, you know? Now what if THEY are "fat and ugly" kinda thing...are you gonna tell them that, ask them about that?..are you gonna make that your reunion pleasure..to see who is "fat and ugly" and who is not?. Why not just go there to reconnect with old friends??? Maybe that's what most there are going to do, you know? So yeah, who cares what another jealous one may say or think...there's really a wonderful reunion to attend to..and if you don't wanna attend it for whatever reason...DON'T! It's really that simple, isn't it? Sylvia, you're a wonderful person..just go out there and live that...show that to others too..forget about what past relationships have said to you or simply change that old useless dialogue you know? You're not your past, you're YOU NOW! And that is an amazing person..and I think that you are getting to know and understand that too .. : ) Sylvia, please don't make weight such a big issue..coz it's NOT! It may be to the mass media and most, but really unless it's unhealthy and uncomfortable, it's really no big deal at all. Skinniness and Obesity is something to be concerned about....along with Real Eating Disorders. And you can bring better balance into your lifestyle...with or without a doctor : ) Just choose it, if you want it : ) And for the addictiveness of eating sweets/ chocolates...well maybe the inner you is really just craving and looking for it's fill of some real sweetness, out of life? Wow, you sure have travelled!! : ) Are you still in Tennessee? I have a dear friend named Mitzi from there : ) Yeah, I Have always been in Africa!! I doubt that I'd ever wanna be away from here for too long either..LOL! There's a thing about our Nature..about the climate and sunsets and rainbows and light... I donno, I'm just at HOME here as a "bush baby"..hehehehe! Yeah much is Ruralness and untamed wildlife and wildlands. Even though it's also very Cosmopolitan and Surburban too. It's really amazingly Metropolistic and Naturalistic, dualistically opposite. I was born in Rhodesia ( now Zimbabwe ) and came to SA at the age of 2. My Parents were always South African, though. I have not travelled much..only to Namibia and Angola with the Namibian Insurgency Bush War. Ah there is still so much to explore in my own country too. I still want to go to the Drakensberg Mountains one day, and also to take some real time out at the Kruger National ( Wild Game ) Park! Wanna share an adventure journey to the Drakensberg Mountains and Kruger National Park? If you have some time, do a google search on these two places to get a better idea of what I'm talking about : ) Yeah, I'm always up for an/ any adventure and I really want to do these two things before I retire from this physical plane..and I intuitively sense and know that I will : ) But yeah there is much that still needs to be done before I get there. I either need to win the holiday or the lottery or simply just work and earn and put away and save those finances : ) Ah, I'll get there one day, one way or another, you know? It's really all about what we believe and about how we plan and walk / work towards our desires and dreams. And I'm a great believer and achiever in myself.... : ) Even though I live very simply and a very moderate lifestyle.... Ah and I think I have figured this paragraph thing out too... It's maybe because I write from my drafts folder and then copy and paste it over to the webpage. I do this because in SA we pay per minute for telephone calls...even local and internet calls!!! That is onedrawback about living here : ( It's really expensive to use the dialup Telephone services. So you'll have to excuse the style of writing unbrokenly, please.. well,and also I guess I have rambled on long enough for today.. : ) Sylvia if you like, I could write to you privately and send you some pics etc. If you're ok with that, my private e-mail addy is keithtiltman@absamail.co.za for you to send me your private addy. Sometimes I just out of consideration, wonder what others wanting to use this platform are thinking and feeling in relation to my 'hogging' it. Yeah I don't want to be inconsiderate to anyone, but also if anyone has a real problem with it, I'm sure they'll speak out too.I really don't mind corresponding either way. And anyways this way is surely the safest as it's all open and upfront and open to any/everyones scrutiny and criticism...and I'm really ok with that : ) And maybe there's also something in our correspondence for others too, you know? Sometimes it also just works like that. So whatever works best for us all, let it be that LOL! Thanks again for the wonderful correspondence and honest energetic sharings Sylvia... Take care.... Much Love and best wishes, Keith.

Thanks, Keith. I can see what you mean about skinny anemic-looking women. I look back at how I was when I was 13 and can't believe I really thought I was fat then. Sometimes I still wish I could look like that again. I do think men and women have different perceptions of beauty. I remember reading an article about that about 20 years ago. Women thought that men wanted skinny women but in reality the men wanted women to just look normal and healthy. And the men thought that women wanted a Charles Atlas type but we also think that is way too extreme. I am currently of "average" weight. I still want to be in better shape though.  

  

My ex-fiance was always so critical of my weight. I'll never forget the time when we were watching TV and a dieting commercial came on and my ex asked me when I was gonna lose some more weight so he could be proud of me.   :( 

  

So I'm seeing a doctor every 3 weeks because he is worried that I will slip back into anorexic tendencies again. He likes to read my "food diary", which is really mortifying. I try to spice it up though with some humor to take some of the edge off the weirdness I feel with him reading it. 

  

Did you ever hear of Dave Barry? He says "never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment!" Very good advice. My ex should have listened to that. He was always complaining that I didn't look like a model. That didn't exactly endear him to me. 

  

Yeah I really think you could be a professor. You have so much interesting experience and seem to know so much about a plethora of topics. 

  

As for social anxiety disorder... I guess that's just a fancy way of saying that I'm really, really shy. I avoid talking on the phone, 1:1, in groups...the only time I feel comfortable is through bbs and email. I wish I could be like how I am online in person. I get so nervous talking to people but people don't usually seem to notice it. People either hate my voice or love it, there's no in between. Some men even have said it's sexy. I don't see how sounding like a little girl is sexy. It just makes me wonder if they just have pedophilic tendencies. 

  

You're very easy to talk to, so that helps a lot. I do enjoy writing to you and reading your posts. They're very cathartic. 

  

I've been reading so much today that I can't even see straight anymore so I guess that means I should go for now and rest my tired eyes. 

  

Keep writing and I will too! 

Sylvia 

  

  

Heyyyy Sylvia... Happy New Weekend! : ) I read your reply with much interest. I noticed that you said that you were of "Average Weight" and wanted "To be in better shape" though. Yeah that makes perfect sense, I can understand that...guess it's almost the same thing for me too...LOL! My weight is around average I guess, ( 190 pounds for a 6 foot Mediun frame? ) But getting into better shape to me really means getting more excercize. I am not the gyming and excercizing type, either...so I'm getting more stuck into chores around my home..LOL! Yeah maybe your ex didn't know any better, but it's kinda just common knowledge that weight is a sensitive issue for most women. Yet you don't have to carry his dialogue and insensitivities with you now, you know? You can focus on getting in better shape, but you don't have to make it a weight issue you know? Do you do hiking? That's an awesome way to get into better shape..and yeah also lose a few pounds along the way too if you need or want to : ) I don't know about this cooking and eating thing either... I Looove cooking and I also looooove eating what I cook...or whatever another has cooked or served..LOL! Yeah, I personally love food..I love preparing it and eating it : ) But I've never personally experienced weight problem through normal day to day eating...and I CAN EAT!!! LOL! And I mix and match foods without weighing and disecting and blah, blah, blah. I just cook what I feel like or really desire whipping up and then enjoy it without a problem. To me cooking is creative and real fun...I truly adore it!! : ) And btw, I can really cook!!! : ) Yeah that is one of my talents....have been told so many times..and it's really because it is so much fun for me to explore and experiment with food and colour and spices. My whole life I have sorta been athletic built... except for two 'fat 'n lazy' years when I was injured from work ( geez that's another story for you..LOL! ) and lazed it up big time with camping and overeating and socializing..yet I fell back into line and shape after that. I guess our bodies kinda are kinda programmed around our ideal weights, and when we're not stuffing ourselves excessively or excessively worrying about maybe stuffing or starving ourselves, then it kinda resorts to it's own healthy comfort level. It seems this way to me with my own body weight. Ah, ok and I get it with the Doctor now! Yeah man, that Skinny Disease is not nice stuff..it's best to stay in touch with real health reality. I guess you're very self conscious of yourself..and that can work for us, or it can work against us big time. We simply need to monitor our thoughts, dialogues and intentions around self consciousness for it to work well in our favour : ) Yeah, I'm serious : ) Ah, if I carry the voices of what others have told me as my own inner voice ( like I once did, too ) then I wouldn't be listening to myself clearly and properly. I need to hear my inner voice clearly, to really know what I really want, and what's really best for me, you know? So yeah selfconsciousness can be a good thing too..as long as it's in balance and is constructive and not destructive! And that's really what I don't really get here with you. You're such a nice person, you can have so much more going for you.. I just don't understand why you worry about your weight and voice and ex's behaviour / statements and what others may or may not think or say etc.... if this is not doing / bringing you any good, you know? I just don't get it...do YOU? I'm serious (LOL) If it doesn't make logical sense, what the heck does it make, you know? Unless you get some kinda other emotional kick out of it? Do you? You know if we focused more on our dreams and what makes us happy, and less on our nightmares and fears, dreamlife would take the preference! It just works that way. You say you're extremely shy, yet you're so open and honest here? You're not shy to speak out..or to simply just speak and converse! : ) You say you want to be more of this 'unshyness' in your outside real life too...so why not, then? What is the extreme shyness about? Your voice? And when someone says you have a beautiful or sexy voice, you think they're weird or perverted? I'd love to hear your voice...and I'd love for you to be more of your 'writtenself' in the outside world too..LOL : ) So yeah, will you send me your phone number? Coz, yeah I'd call you from South Africa and hear it myself and then give you my honest opinion! : ) So yeah if you wanna snap out of this super shy thing, you have options and an invitation too : ) Yeah, I'd call you.. I'd love to give you a call and chat in person. So whenever and if ever you're up to it...you have my private addy : ) Think on this...and remember, be aware of what you wish for..it may just come true! : ) Take care...have a grand weekend, Sylvia! Love and Best wishes, Keith.