Topic : Ready for Marriage?

I actually loved my ex, he is amazing.  But we were friends, that was about it.  I knew there was more to a marriage than that.  We have to kids together, 7 and 11.  It was hard to decide but I left.  It was hard on them at first but with the love from both of us and support from both of us, they are great.  It has been 1 year and half and the kids have adapted well to all of this.  We share 50/50 custody, so the kids always know they have us both.  We never talk bad about one another and we always do right by the kids.  But this can be done, while you are not married.  

Trust me, seperate for a little while.  Either, you will learn that you want this marriage to work.  OR you will understand that living in a marriage for the kids, just doesn't make sense.  

Good luck and let me know how it goes. 

Hey there, Orion, Buddy, 

How are you doing?  

I have almost completed my sessions with my Psychologist, and I am feeling great. 

I have the odd flashback to J-bitch, but none as bad as some that I had whislt in the depths of my despair. I am finally out from under the denial, the anger, the depression. I am justy waiting for the day that we run ionto each other as we surely shall. I have to put on my happy face for that day.  

How are things with you, how was your Christmas and New Year? I hope you were with family that cared about you. I spent it with my Mom and Dad. I had three days off over that weekend, flew in to spend them "at home" with them. Boy, what a test that was. My Dad kept asking me "What time is your bus on Tuesday?" Nearly drove me insane. Still, it was a good time to just rest and get some of moms good old family recipes in my body. Now I need a bit of Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge medicine... exercise and diet... Oh Boy!! 

Hey, Hope 2006 treats you WAY better than 2005 ever did. 

Cheers 

Ali 

If you have to pressure someone to marry you, do you really want to get married to that person.  My brother's exwife pressured him and they ended up getting divorced after one year of marriage.  She thought she was ready and she wasn't.  They went through hell and I would hate for that to happen to you. If you know you're meant to be together, it will happen... why rush it?  True love will prevail. How exciting is it to say "I am engaged... after pressuring him".  It is more romantic if it was by his choice. 

I recently was divorced from a man of 12 years because he was unfaithful and got the other woman pregnant.  At the time our 2 children were 2 and my son 3 months.  It was excruciating.  However, my friend had introduced someone to me after about 4 months.  I thought he was wonderful and had alot in common spiritually.  We dated and everything was great and I thought yes finally someone who respects me.  We bought a house together and got engaged christmas eve 2004.  Ever since then things went down hill.  He started quoting the bible on a daily basis making me feel that I was not doing the right thing.  Telling me I should limit my children to a toy so the house does not look messy. (even though every evening the kids and I do a round up and have a toy closet where everything goes)  He decided to take the kids toys and put it in an area they cannot access.  Always being critical about waste and how I should do my shopping.  And snacking, could not do it in front of him because he claims I had no self control.  I'm lucky if I eat 2 meals a day being a single mom with 2 toddlers.  I have continuously put up with this but the other day was the final decision maker for me but I need to know if I am being too harsh.  I am self employed and make enough money for myself and my kids to be comfortable.  I hired a cleaning helper to come in to my home twice a month which has been such a blessing.  He agreed months back to pay half just as everything else.  It was his turn to pay for them and he said that it was unneccessary to have them come in so often because the kids mess up the house after they leave.  But I explained to him it alleviates alot of the stress from me because they really do and excellent job for a very small price.  It came down to a battle because he does not want to pay for anything.  As it is I remodeled my kitchen doing alot of the work myself and hired a carpenter which he agreed but he then turns around and says it was my project.  Well the other day when we were discussing the cleaning team, he also said that he is getting screwed because he feels he should only pay for 25% because of me and my 2 children should pay 75%.  He then said my ex should pay for their share and I in turn said he does through child support.  He then said if he was paying half and I was getting child support then I am benefitting from it twice.  First of all child support does not cover alot as most single moms know.  I could go on and on but this is just a slice of it.  Let me know what you think PLEASE........I am so unhappy and would be better off with my kids and I..... 

I am not sure if I am totally in your boat either.  My fiance says he wants to marry me and sees a future  and then his actions tell me otherwise.  He tells me what I want to hear even if it is not what he feels.  This keeps me confused all the time.  I guess if I were really honest with myself I would acknowlege that at the least, he is not ready for marriage right now.  At least your b/f is being honest with you.  He is not leaving any room for doubt.  I wish my fiance would say that to me.  I would explain to him that I don't want to "trap" anyone.  I want to be with him because we make each other happy so if he feels trapped we should part ways.   

I should do the same but I am the one who feels somewhat trapped.  I moved in with him in July.  My daughter was living with her dad but was having alot of trouble so she moved in with me a couple of months ago.  She had to change schools and she is doing much better here.  My fiance's daughter and her family live in my house because I am the dummy that suggested they could move there because they were financially struggling.  So if I leave him not only does his daughter have to move out of my house but I have to move my daughter back to the school district she didn't do so well in.  So I have decided to hang in there and have faith.  He is a very good man and we love each other very much.  We work on our relationship everyday.  I want to be married so badly but I suppose if I want him I have to be patient.  Which is not very easy for me.   

Look deep in your heart and be honest with yourself and you will find the answer but it might not be the answer you want to hear.   

I am a long way from ever feeling what you m,ust be, but I can just tell you, real people relationships are few and far between. Mainly because we so seldom meet real people. the fakes and charlatans we come across are only in it for hedonistic reasons. The men that both of you have described are not a true reflection of men in general. I hope you can move out from under his oppression and manipulation, and soon for the children's sake. My ex-wife is seeing a man that is emotionally abusive and I cannot convince her to leave him because she is financially dependant on him. Codependence is a bad thing when one is so completely wrapped up in guilt as my ex-wife is. 

Girl, get out, find yourself a GOOD man and make a great life for your kids as soon as you can. You never mentioned how old you are, but I would assume that you probably are in the region of about 30. You have  whole lot of living ahead of you, go for it, get better and get the best for your kids.