Message Boards
Topic : Ready for Marriage?
As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.
|
June 5, 2006, 6:07 am PDT
 Quote From: letsmoveit I have been having significant issues with my long term boyfriend (3 1/2 years) as we have been contemplating marriage. He is 26 and I am 25. He is unwilling to make a comittment at this time, although he hopes that our relationship is able to work in the end. He says he is not happy with the status quo and realizes that he needs to make a decision about us, but it seems that I am the only one who ever brings up our relationship to talk about. Just recently though, he has told me that he's misersable without me. He tells me that he has a lot to talk to me about such as life goals, outlooks on life, etc., but never approaches me about these issues. He wants to make sure we have similar outlooks on life, as well as life goals, and that I will support him in his endeavors. (I always have.) He is quite idealistic in life, while I am a realist. I wish he would quit with all the theoretical mishmash and just get down to our compatability. We do have communication issues, and have been striving to work on them. I will say that we have made great advances with our communication in the last few month. I've read Dr. Phil's books, but we need some additional help. I am ready for marriage and am serious about taking the next step with him. How can we make this work? We both love each other, have a lot of respect for each other, and say we do both want to spend our lives together. He tells me all this. I appreciate that he takes marriage so seriously, but I feel like the boy needs to grow up and figure out what he wants in life. I feel like he'll be 40 and still trying to figure out what he wants out of life and who he wants in it. I've read the book "He's just not that into you" and have found it very interesting. I'm sure everything I've written makes you want to say - he's just not that into you if he's not willing to commit to you! And I'm beginning to believe it myself. I must say, and I am not making excuses for him, my boyfriend is slow in life and it takes him a lot of time to do things, from work to education to it seems this relationship. I'm trying not to be overbearing or suffocate him but I feel like my time's running out, that I've been essentially waiting around for him to agree for us to go forward, and I don't know how much longer I can wait around. I've told him that I deserve to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me, which he acknowledges. However, I need some ANSWERS, because "I don't know"s just aren't cutting it anymore! I have been trying to find a couples counselor in our area but am having a terrible time doing so. I know Dr. Phil helps find therapists for people on the show, does the show have a running list of local therapists? I'd appreciate any advice. I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation, although I feel like I am and no one can offer me any serious advice. I feel I'm at the end of my rope and decisions need to be made. I don’t know if Dr. Phil has listings of local therapists, have you checked other areas of this website? Go to “home” and look around, see if there is anywhere you can type in your zip code or something and find local therapists. If not, I urge you to just get out your local yellow pages and look for ‘pre-marital’ counseling, because after all, that is what you are seeking, right? You aren’t engaged, but, you want to know if the two of you are compatible, so what better way to find out then to go to pre-marital counseling. In my opinion, everyone who is thinking of marriage should do this!! Another thing you could do is get Dr. Phil’s book, “relationship rescue” and there is also a work book you can get with it. You and your boyfriend need to take the time to do a few of the short, simple quizzes in the front of the book, that will tell you right away if you are compatible with one another. This book isn’t just for people who are already married, its for anyone in a serious, committed relationship. I wish you the best! |
|
|
June 5, 2006, 10:13 am PDT
Quote From: jenoc99 I don’t know if Dr. Phil has listings of local therapists, have you checked other areas of this website? Go to “home” and look around, see if there is anywhere you can type in your zip code or something and find local therapists. If not, I urge you to just get out your local yellow pages and look for ‘pre-marital’ counseling, because after all, that is what you are seeking, right? You aren’t engaged, but, you want to know if the two of you are compatible, so what better way to find out then to go to pre-marital counseling. In my opinion, everyone who is thinking of marriage should do this!! Another thing you could do is get Dr. Phil’s book, “relationship rescue” and there is also a work book you can get with it. You and your boyfriend need to take the time to do a few of the short, simple quizzes in the front of the book, that will tell you right away if you are compatible with one another. This book isn’t just for people who are already married, its for anyone in a serious, committed relationship. I wish you the best! Hello. I read your message, concerning the 'M' issue. I think sometimes when we respond, we are also speaking about our own experiences. I was in a similiar situation. But, 6 yrs.., then yrs. later, same guy for 3 yrs...I waited for just being able to talk seriously about the "M' word, and also he never took me to his homestate to see his mom...Which now looking back, is another form of commiting to me, which he couldn't. I think if he's willing to go to pre-martial counseling is a good sign, ask him about it. But, I just can't get it off my mind, that if a guy knows what he wants, he would of known by then...the fact that you waited as long as you did, and I waited even longer, must tell us something, we're just not willing to see...I think everyone is different..but, as with me, when you get to that point, some decisions have to be made...or else, you'll end up like me waiting so long...and where am I now because of that...So, please take it from me, (and I know every situation's different), but you need to make that decision, so you won't end up in more pain...the guy is going to keep your head spinning, and then making you feel it's ALL YOU...I'm not saying this your guy would/is doing that....he sounds like a wonderful guy...but, it's painful I know, you're going to have to do it...and find out if he's more afraid of the commitment, ore more afraid of losing you...just is sad that a guy, just doesn't know yet what he wants...but, once we know what we want, we can't settle for less...everywise youi're going to find time just fly, and you're in the same situation...(like I was)....hope this helps, and please let us know how things are...take care |
|
|
June 5, 2006, 3:15 pm PDT
Hi, I am engaged to a wonderful person named Nick. I feel that I am ready to get married.. if only I loved him then it would make it right. I loved him at one point, but then my feelings for him changed, and even thoughts of an open relationship came up. I know that he would be a great man to get married to and have children with one day. I know he would take care of me and treat me the way that I deserve to be treated. Which makes it hard for me to understand why I can't love a great person like him like I used to. Part of the problem is that I am in love with his best friend. His best friends name is Joe, and he is almost completly different than Nick. I want to be with him in the worst way, but I know that can never be possible. I dont want this to make me seem like a bad person... I have tried in every way possible to control my feelings, about both of them, but its harder than I thought it would be. I would like to be able to hear some opinions from some people that might have gone through something like this so hopefully im not the only one. |
|
|
June 6, 2006, 6:21 pm PDT
Quote From: mercy4nlt Hi, I am engaged to a wonderful person named Nick. I feel that I am ready to get married.. if only I loved him then it would make it right. I loved him at one point, but then my feelings for him changed, and even thoughts of an open relationship came up. I know that he would be a great man to get married to and have children with one day. I know he would take care of me and treat me the way that I deserve to be treated. Which makes it hard for me to understand why I can't love a great person like him like I used to. Part of the problem is that I am in love with his best friend. His best friends name is Joe, and he is almost completly different than Nick. I want to be with him in the worst way, but I know that can never be possible. I dont want this to make me seem like a bad person... I have tried in every way possible to control my feelings, about both of them, but its harder than I thought it would be. I would like to be able to hear some opinions from some people that might have gone through something like this so hopefully im not the only one. Unfortunately I am not married, nor have I ever been engaged. But I have had a lot of experience with relationships and when they are not right. My personal opinion of your situation is that you want to love someone and want to be married, just not to the person you are with right now. I was in a relationship with someone for 3 years, and had ever intention of being with him for the rest of my life, even though i knew within my heart and soul it wasn't right. However, I still went with it. But, I was in love with every new friend that he brought around....why?? Because his friend's weren't him. I was indirectly looking for something else that he wasn't. Your fiance may be a great person, and may be a wonderful man for someone else, just not you. That doesn't mean that you are making a wrong decision about not being with him. Marriage is a powerful commitment and you should have your whole heart and soul dedicated to this commitment. The fact that you are "loving" someone else is you indirectly looking for something else. This will not go away, nor will the feelings subside. IT will only get worse. Luckily, I broke it off with my relationship, and it was the best decision I have ever made. I am happier, and I have a feeling of completeness, because I know I have done the right thing. You have to be fair to your fiance and to yourself. Dedicating your life to someone is powerful, and you should be sure. My advice........start fresh, and break it off with him, before you start recenting him, for him not being the person you love. You won't recent him now, but in the later future, down the road, when you have realized that you sacrificed your life to keep the peace and make someone else happy. You're not alone, you are amongst the many people that sacrifice their life. Try being one of the few that don't follow the norm, and follow your heart. Not many people do that. |
|
|
June 7, 2006, 8:27 am PDT
Quote From: ashleighsu Unfortunately I am not married, nor have I ever been engaged. But I have had a lot of experience with relationships and when they are not right. My personal opinion of your situation is that you want to love someone and want to be married, just not to the person you are with right now. I was in a relationship with someone for 3 years, and had ever intention of being with him for the rest of my life, even though i knew within my heart and soul it wasn't right. However, I still went with it. But, I was in love with every new friend that he brought around....why?? Because his friend's weren't him. I was indirectly looking for something else that he wasn't. Your fiance may be a great person, and may be a wonderful man for someone else, just not you. That doesn't mean that you are making a wrong decision about not being with him. Marriage is a powerful commitment and you should have your whole heart and soul dedicated to this commitment. The fact that you are "loving" someone else is you indirectly looking for something else. This will not go away, nor will the feelings subside. IT will only get worse. Luckily, I broke it off with my relationship, and it was the best decision I have ever made. I am happier, and I have a feeling of completeness, because I know I have done the right thing. You have to be fair to your fiance and to yourself. Dedicating your life to someone is powerful, and you should be sure. My advice........start fresh, and break it off with him, before you start recenting him, for him not being the person you love. You won't recent him now, but in the later future, down the road, when you have realized that you sacrificed your life to keep the peace and make someone else happy. You're not alone, you are amongst the many people that sacrifice their life. Try being one of the few that don't follow the norm, and follow your heart. Not many people do that. I hate to say it, but I totally agree... I went through something similar as well... even though we were not married, and I was young, I felt that I loved the guy I was with even though I knew we weren't meant to be... I tried to make it work in the worse way, and in the end our relationship ended very roughly. I kept investing more into our relationship than what i was ready to lose and I know now that we never should have kept it going so long. I know now that I wasn't truly in love with this man, but loved who I knew he could be.... Now that we are not together, I am in a wonderful relationship with a man I love and whom I KNOW loves me back... the last guy would say he loved me, but I know he never did... I don't believe he ever knew how to love me. I did everything for him and he shat on me.... (not literally of course). He now has gotten his life a little more together by getting a job and paying rent for living in his mother's house... he's almost 23 for gawd's sake... When i was with him (just been about a year now) he hadn't finished high school, didn't have a job, lived at home with his mom, didn't pay rent, didn't buy his own food, got his mom to pay his insurance etc. Deep down, I believe he's a good person, just now I know we were sooo not right for each other. But if I had continued to put up with his bs and stayed with him, I never would have found my new guy, and would not have been happy... Now i know this is quite different than you, but I thought if I used my story as an example i could help you see that relationships end for a reason... if you stay with someone because they are a good person, but you aren't in love with them, you will only be unhappy in the future. It's not fair to yourself, nor to him for you to marry this guy... Sorry to say it, but I believe it's true. As great as he may be, if you aren't head-over-heels in love with him, you should not marry him. Marriage should be a step that you take with knowing truly (in your heart and soul) that you are in love and the person you are marrying is who you want to spend the rest of your life with... Know that you can give them the love that they deserve, and know that you will get it in return. I know it will be hard, but the sooner you speak to your guy, the better... hopefully you guys haven't spent too much money on the wedding arrangements, but even if this is the case, money can always be made.... marriage built without love will not... in the end, your guy will know you don't love him, and it won't work..... GOOD LUCK!!! |
|
|
June 9, 2006, 8:20 am PDT
Hi
This is my first entering a message board but I am desperate and am seeking advice.
Here it goes:
I am a near 40 year old divorced mom of three great kids. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man 8 years older than I for approximately four years. I have known he was "the one" when we first started seeing each other. We discussed with each other from the very beginning what we each wanted in a partner/mate and we seemed to be looking for the same things. He is everything I could possibly want and we have shared incredible times and have the same interests. He has a daughter the same age as mine and they get along extremely well.
I reside in a house with my 3 kids. He has an apartment of his own. His daughter lives with her mom except she and he come to my house every other weekend. He comes and stays every weekend. He sleeps on the couch as I "try" to set an example for my children because I don't believe in cohabitating. I am a believer in the union of marriage.
I have been ready for marriage for almost two years. I had hinted to him multiple times over the last two years and finally about 8 months ago went to him in tears because I felt that maybe he didn't want the same thing that I did. Since that first time 8 months ago I have approached the subject of marriage two additional times and have ended in tears because he can't seem to give me any answers as to why he isn't "ready". I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I was looking for a life-long mate and he understood that and had expressed he was looking for the same thing and would be willing to try again as he too is divorced. I have told him that if he didn't want to marry then we should end the relationship because that is what I want and need. He says he doesn't want to "lose" me, yet has not yet come through. I have even expressed that I feel like the cow in the saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" and it doesn't seem to affect him as his only explanation for delaying marriage is "I got screwed so bad the first time". I do know that his first wife did "screw him" financially. She got everything. But ... the man makes really, really good money and has a large savings and is fine financially. I have even said to him in our discussions that maybe he should think about what is more important to him ... losing me or the chance of getting screwed financially again.
I have explained that I am not his first wife and asked him if he was going to let that ruin his chancesfor happiness with someone that truly loves him with all her heart and just wants to be with him. It has been 8 mos. since that 1st discussion about marriage and all he can say is "I need more time". I am losing hope and wonder if I am being totally stupid in waiting. I don't want to wait for another year or 2 or 3.... but I don't want to lose him as I love him deeply.
Any comments? I am so frustrated and ready to give up. Please advise. |
|
|
June 9, 2006, 9:34 am PDT
Quote From: smithy Hi
This is my first entering a message board but I am desperate and am seeking advice.
Here it goes:
I am a near 40 year old divorced mom of three great kids. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man 8 years older than I for approximately four years. I have known he was "the one" when we first started seeing each other. We discussed with each other from the very beginning what we each wanted in a partner/mate and we seemed to be looking for the same things. He is everything I could possibly want and we have shared incredible times and have the same interests. He has a daughter the same age as mine and they get along extremely well.
I reside in a house with my 3 kids. He has an apartment of his own. His daughter lives with her mom except she and he come to my house every other weekend. He comes and stays every weekend. He sleeps on the couch as I "try" to set an example for my children because I don't believe in cohabitating. I am a believer in the union of marriage.
I have been ready for marriage for almost two years. I had hinted to him multiple times over the last two years and finally about 8 months ago went to him in tears because I felt that maybe he didn't want the same thing that I did. Since that first time 8 months ago I have approached the subject of marriage two additional times and have ended in tears because he can't seem to give me any answers as to why he isn't "ready". I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I was looking for a life-long mate and he understood that and had expressed he was looking for the same thing and would be willing to try again as he too is divorced. I have told him that if he didn't want to marry then we should end the relationship because that is what I want and need. He says he doesn't want to "lose" me, yet has not yet come through. I have even expressed that I feel like the cow in the saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" and it doesn't seem to affect him as his only explanation for delaying marriage is "I got screwed so bad the first time". I do know that his first wife did "screw him" financially. She got everything. But ... the man makes really, really good money and has a large savings and is fine financially. I have even said to him in our discussions that maybe he should think about what is more important to him ... losing me or the chance of getting screwed financially again.
I have explained that I am not his first wife and asked him if he was going to let that ruin his chancesfor happiness with someone that truly loves him with all her heart and just wants to be with him. It has been 8 mos. since that 1st discussion about marriage and all he can say is "I need more time". I am losing hope and wonder if I am being totally stupid in waiting. I don't want to wait for another year or 2 or 3.... but I don't want to lose him as I love him deeply.
Any comments? I am so frustrated and ready to give up. Please advise. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free….” That expression has been around for a long time because it truly does apply to so many relationships, including yours. Your expectations of this man are not unrealistic, you have been together for 4 years- he should know by now if he wants to get married or not. If he doesn’t know by now, he isn’t going to know- and although it sounds like you don’t want to lose him, if you keep waiting, you are still not going to get married and chances to get married to others will pass you by. Don’t do that to yourself, you don’t deserve that- you deserve to have the best in life. I suggest reading the book, “He’s just not that into you” I forget the name of the author-- but, the author and many women who read the book were on Oprah and they all told stories very similar to yours, and they were glad that they read the book and got the courage to move on. It is scary, of course it is, because you have been thinking that he is ‘the one’ for a long time now. But, the truth is that he isn’t thinking the same about you, and that isn’t fair. My other suggestion is to slowly back away from seeing him so much. Perhaps if you are ‘unavailable’ for awhile, he will realize what he is missing, and he will then decide he is ready for marriage. Its just a thought… I wish you well, be good to yourself! |
|
|
June 9, 2006, 10:25 am PDT
Quote From: jenoc99 “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free….” That expression has been around for a long time because it truly does apply to so many relationships, including yours. Your expectations of this man are not unrealistic, you have been together for 4 years- he should know by now if he wants to get married or not. If he doesn’t know by now, he isn’t going to know- and although it sounds like you don’t want to lose him, if you keep waiting, you are still not going to get married and chances to get married to others will pass you by. Don’t do that to yourself, you don’t deserve that- you deserve to have the best in life. I suggest reading the book, “He’s just not that into you” I forget the name of the author-- but, the author and many women who read the book were on Oprah and they all told stories very similar to yours, and they were glad that they read the book and got the courage to move on. It is scary, of course it is, because you have been thinking that he is ‘the one’ for a long time now. But, the truth is that he isn’t thinking the same about you, and that isn’t fair. My other suggestion is to slowly back away from seeing him so much. Perhaps if you are ‘unavailable’ for awhile, he will realize what he is missing, and he will then decide he is ready for marriage. Its just a thought… I wish you well, be good to yourself! That is easier said than done. I have wanted nothing more than to be his wife for so long and have a hard time imagining my life without him. I could cry just now thinking about but I have many times over the last year or so. I'm so all alone. I have no family close. My closest relative is my sister who is 6 hours away. I have tried to prepare myself for this possible break up but I'm not sure there is anything you can do to prepare. I had so many hopes and dreams with this man and it is very hard to think of ending our reationship but I do believe your comment to "be good to yourself". I know that each person is responsible for their own happiness but what hurt s the most is that I thought that I had found the person that would add happiness to my days for the rest of my life. It is such a disappointment and hurts very deeply to think that he is willing to let that go. I also understand that there are other people out there, but I don't want other people. I want him. How do I get over that? |
|
|
June 10, 2006, 11:54 am PDT
Quote From: smithy That is easier said than done. I have wanted nothing more than to be his wife for so long and have a hard time imagining my life without him. I could cry just now thinking about but I have many times over the last year or so. I'm so all alone. I have no family close. My closest relative is my sister who is 6 hours away. I have tried to prepare myself for this possible break up but I'm not sure there is anything you can do to prepare. I had so many hopes and dreams with this man and it is very hard to think of ending our reationship but I do believe your comment to "be good to yourself". I know that each person is responsible for their own happiness but what hurt s the most is that I thought that I had found the person that would add happiness to my days for the rest of my life. It is such a disappointment and hurts very deeply to think that he is willing to let that go. I also understand that there are other people out there, but I don't want other people. I want him. How do I get over that? I know that it is easier said than done. Usually the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. If making good, healthy decisions were always easy, we would all be happy with our lives. It is understandable that you don’t want other people, of course you don’t- that is why you have been in this relationship for so long, because you love him. You are now waiting for him to decide whether you are worthy of marrying or not, what does that say? As I said before, being together for 4 years, he would definitely know if he wanted to marry you or not. He is telling you that he doesn’t want to, and by staying together, you are silently agreeing that it is okay with you. Remember that talk you had when you were first dating about your expectations in a relationship, and remember how your expectations matched? Maybe he didn’t do it on purpose, but he pulled a “bait and switch” on you, because had you known in the beginning that he didn’t want to get married again, you probably wouldn’t have continued to be involved with him. When you bring up the topic of marriage, have you suggested a pre-nup agreement? If he is still against marriage, even with a pre-nup, you deserve to know why he said he did want marriage before but now he doesn’t. It won’t make things easier, but it will give you some closure. I wish you well!! |
|
|
June 10, 2006, 12:58 pm PDT
Quote From: jenoc99 I know that it is easier said than done. Usually the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. If making good, healthy decisions were always easy, we would all be happy with our lives. It is understandable that you don’t want other people, of course you don’t- that is why you have been in this relationship for so long, because you love him. You are now waiting for him to decide whether you are worthy of marrying or not, what does that say? As I said before, being together for 4 years, he would definitely know if he wanted to marry you or not. He is telling you that he doesn’t want to, and by staying together, you are silently agreeing that it is okay with you. Remember that talk you had when you were first dating about your expectations in a relationship, and remember how your expectations matched? Maybe he didn’t do it on purpose, but he pulled a “bait and switch” on you, because had you known in the beginning that he didn’t want to get married again, you probably wouldn’t have continued to be involved with him. When you bring up the topic of marriage, have you suggested a pre-nup agreement? If he is still against marriage, even with a pre-nup, you deserve to know why he said he did want marriage before but now he doesn’t. It won’t make things easier, but it will give you some closure. I wish you well!! I truly appreciate your comments and advice. I guess I already knew what I should do but sometimes you need confirmation that you're not crazy and expecting too much. I have been over these issues in my head hundres of times and asked myself why he wouldn't know after four years or if he did know that I was "the one" why he hasn't asked me to marry when he knows how I feel. I think about the old "bait and switch" and feel so used and hurt and angry . I have been totally honest in my feelings and wants, needs and desires and explained all of this to him but yet it has not made a difference. I did also mention a prenup to him several months ago in one of our conversations and told him I wasn't after his money, never have been. What a waste of four years!!!!! I guess all I can do is let go and move on . . . one of two things will happen . . . he'll either see what he's losing and come full circle or he won't. Wish me luck. Hope you don't mind if I contact you in the future. Thanks again. |
|
