Topic : Differing Sex Drives

 My husband and I have been married for almost three years, and have a beautiful dauther, a year old.  But, we also lost a baby, when our daughter was four months old.  After having the miscarriage, and being raped four years ago, I am just not interested in sex.  The problem: he is.  He doesn't push, but he does try, a lot.  I am not sure how to get over this.  It just seems like I would rather not have sex.  After all, no sex, no pregnant, no pregnant, no losing the baby.  That seriously goes through my head, any time he touches me in any kind of a sexual manner.  I know there are other ways, not  just intercourse, and stuff like that, but, I have no desire for any of it.  Any one have any suggestions, feel free to share.

You need to have a good old heart to heart with your husband and tell him that your equating sex with pregnancy and thus your reluctance. He needs to know before he starts to think that it has something to do with him personally. 

  

Next you need to get on a good birth control, depro shots or the pill and condoms. There is no need for anyone to get pregnant in this day and age.  

  

Once you take the fear of pregnancy out of the equation then you will be able to enjoy a sexual relationship again that needs to be present in your marriage in order for it to survive. ~Red 

Sounds like it just boils down to an age thing. He is what...55 he is slowing down in drive and probably ability... your hitting a peak, and will be doing so alone. 

  

Maybe he wants to leave you, who knows...maybe he wants you to get a job to take your mind off your sex drive..(like that will help)LOL 

If you get a job, you'll be tired, you'll still have the household to look after and it will take the heat off him to try to keep up with you when he really doesn't want to anymore. 

  

I think in a way a job might be a good idea just in case he does deside to walk out. ~Red 

Ive been with my boyfriend for (this year) 6 years when we started dating sex was great now in the past 2 yrs his sex drive has increased drasticly he wants at least 5 times a week  if we dont have sex he takes advantage of me when Iam asleep Ive been molested as a child and recently my nightmares have started again Ive talked to him about it o-k we've argueed about  it on plenty of sleepless nights  sometimes we've had marathones on  this sex subject   I Iove him but I feel like he's  taking part of me and throwing it to burst in billions of peices  my sex drive I think  would be at a normal level (what ever normal is ) but Ifeel night time is a real scary time  Iam not that much of a drinker but recently after a few drinks one night I woke up with my under garments put on wrong I freaked  and asked him about it his response was Imust of removed them and put them on wrong  Well what do you think I need some imput PLEASE

Your message caught my eye because I am also a nurse and married to an old (55) man.  I say that jokingly be because I am also old (52).   However, I feel just like you.  I'm not a sex fiend, once a week would be nice.  We have been married for 31 years. Everyone thinks he is the perfect husband because he is so attentive and he is in every way but this!. It started 10 years ago and I weathered it out until Viagra came along. Now we have samples of Viagra, Levitra & Cialis & he won't take them unless I tell him to point blank. He never gets erect when I give him oral sex. We share so many memories and he truly is my best friend but Dr Phil is right - sex is really important if you are the one not getting any. I just want to feel like a woman again! Like I can turn a man on! I told him I was leaving him & may go out on him if the opportunity arises & he said he would rather me just find someone to meet my needs!  He has no health issues.  What's a girl to do? 

Your BF is violating you and your trust. If he continues to do this to you in your sleep your relationship will crumble. How can you trust him, doesn't he see the correlation between him violating you in your sleep and the abuse you suffered as a child? If he just doesn't get it, then maybe you need to sleep on the sofa or another room? 

  

Why has his sex drive gone up? Is he viewing porn on line or movies? Most mens drive slows down as they age not the other way around... something is going on with him. That should be your second step is trying to find out why. 

  

Then he needs to see that what he is doing in your sleep is wrong, no two ways about it... If he doesn't value you as a woman, a person, then you need to value yourself and find a new BF ~Red 

I read all these posts and none of them really touch my situation. My husband is actually younger than me-37--I am 40.  For the last few years we have had the problem of unless I initiate sex it doesn't happen.  So last year I decided that the mind game approach was the way to go.  You know--you don't need me--I don't need you.  Well after 5 weeks we finally had a blow out and of course it was my fault because I was being "unapproachable" .  I don't ever remember being "approached" so how could I be unapproachable?  Well when I continue to get ignored I was getting  upset and probably did have chip on my shoulder and an attitude.  So I again started being the initiator and everything was ok.  Then about 6 months later our schedules got busy and we fell back into the same old routine.  This time since I wasn't initiating sex we didn't do anything for  4 months..  So again I mentioned it and this time said I was not listening to his ...You are unapproachable routine.  So for a couple of weeks things were more active. But this time I am not sure that things will be ok again.  I have said that him initiating makes me feel like he is still happy with this choice of wife.  I have flat out said I need sex to make me feel pretty and young and wanted.  But still it is always left up to me.  Is it ok for one person to always initiate?  I am expecting too much?  We have been married for 15 years.

thanks for your imput at least Iam not feeling like its me being wrong  cause we we don't have sex he make me feel that I'm not normal sleeping in another room doesn't help we'll just fight . yes It's on-line porn thats got him even though hes younger then me no mans sex drive should be that out of control should it?We get along in all other ways but how can I make him understand ? I really feel sex will ruin our so called relationship he really believes that his  sex drive is o-k  and that I'm the problem Leaving him I've considered but financilly thats tough  I have no family near by to help me out and stupidly I do love him  but just don't know how long I can keep loving him does that make sence ? I really messed up about this does it show Right now this board is all I've got and I was even scared to talk on here so keep in touch  and thanks B-H 

Under NO circumstances are you wrong for feeling like this. His sex drive is out of control because of what I suspected...and you confirmed...porn use. There are blockers you can use on your computer to prevent him from going into those sites, or you can disconnect the internet (but then u would be without the boards) or you could remove the keyboard so he couldn't use it, or you could put the computer in the middle of the living room so you can see what he is doing on line.... Its like you have a teenager in the house and you have to monitor his usage... sad 

  

The best thing would be for him to get help. This is and can be a very real addiction, just go read the "how porn has affected my life" board and you will see how bad it is. Not all but some men get addicted, then their perception of what women are and how they should be treated gets so messed up and clouded that they can't think straight anymore. The more they view porn, the more they want, then the sexual addiction starts, and its a horrible cycle to break. 

  

You are caught in the cross fire. Since you have sexual abuse issues, the last person in this world that you need to be living with is someone who is treating you this way. What you need is a man who is filled with compassion and love and can show you that. 

  

There is no reason for you to stay, and no excuse for you not to walk out or throw his azz out the door. You don't need family to help out, you can reach out to anyone. A close friend, a co-worker, a hot line out of the phone book. The resources are there, you just have to take the step to get out. 

  

Maybe you think you love him because of the fear you have of the unknown? Maybe you think you love him because you have low self esteem? He isn't worthy of your love, and the worse thing is, is that this is going to get worse not better. If he doesn't recognize that he has a problem, then that is a BIG problem. He will continue to blame you until he convinces you that he is right and that he has the right to have sex with you when ever and where ever he wants regardless of your feelings. 

  

You can't change him, you can only change yourself and your living conditions. He is making a choice to view porn and to treat you like your a prostitute. You aren't making him do that, its his choice. If he doesn't choose to acknowledge his problem, get rid of the porn, and go for counseling, then your life is going to play out exactly like it is now only things will escalate. Do you really want to be living like this 10 years from now? Please keep in touch ~Red 

You ask if the problem will ever go away. No not when the two of you are acting like angry 4yr olds instead of handling this like adults. 

  

Some people aren't the initiating type, sounds like your H is that way. You want sex more, then yes you will have to be the one to go after him and initiate. Sounds like your not compatible in the bedroom, his drive is lower than yours and short of a miracle it always will be. Its not your fault that he doesn't want to initiate, its his.  Since the two of you can't come to an agreement on it, then you both sulk and try to give the cold shoulder to one another...as DrP would say "hows that workin for Ya".  Not well, by the sounds of you post. 

  

Since you equate sex with making you feel "pretty , young, and wanted" then this is something you have to work on within your self. Its not his problem that you are insecure, its yours. You have to feel good about you, sex won't do that for you. Ask him to show you in other ways, reaching out and touching your hand while you fold clothes, giving you a hug while your doing the dishes.... Maybe your so wrapped up in "who" should initiate that you are becoming "cold and unapproachable" and its got him turned off.  After all your starting to get a little turned off by having to initiate all the time aren't you? Maybe he wants a wife that will hug him for no reason, give him a kiss for no reason,,,not just when she wants sex. 

  

Since you two have been going around in circles about this for 15years then maybe its time to go get some professional help.  I think it would of been easier for the two of you to just admit that he doesn't want to initiate all the time and you don't either and compromise.... you initiate 2 days a week and he does 2 days a week,,, pick your days....make a schedule if you have to. But stop waiting for him to do it all the time, isn't going to happen. Its not in his makeup, or he doesn't like sex that much, or he just has a lower drive and doesn't find sex that important. But you guys need to learn how to communicate outside of the bedroom and then things will start to warm up all over the house. ~Red