Topic : Differing Sex Drives

WHAT A PICKLE I AM IN. HOW CRAZY IS IT THAT I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN 10 YEARS MY JUNIOR AND AT ONE TIME WE WERE DISCUSSING MARRIAGE AND NOW HE TELLS ME THAT HE DOES NOT HAVE THE DESIRE TO HAVE SEX LIKE HE USE TO. NOW IS THAT A PICKLE OR WHAT. WE DON'T EVEN TALK ANYMORE AND WHAT IS SO STRANGE IS THAT THIS MAN WAS ONCE MY BEST FRIEND AND NOW IT IS LIKE I AM LIVING IN THE HOUSE WITH A STRANGER.

Any guy who would talk to his daughter like that about her mom is a real jerk.. Is this the kind of guy you want your daughter to maryy?  Someone who will tell her to get off her lazy ass?? teach her that this is not ok. You are setting the marriage example for her!!!

I don't know what to do anymore.  I have a super-sensitive nose that is taking over my life and ruining my sex life.  I've always had an extremely strong sense of smell but in the last few years, it seems to have gotten even stronger.  Though it's great when someone's baking or wearing nice perfume, it really gets in the way of other things because not all smells are good.  I don't like to go anywhere that smoking is allowed (and I used to smoke a very long time ago!).  I don't like to go into places where there is a strong coffee smell or even certain food smells.  If I do, I feel like the odors attach themselves to me and I can't wait to wash them away...on my clothes and my body and hair.  Now I know lots of people who are bothered by smoke, but they don't take it to the extremes that I do as far as it really bothering them.  Even hours later. 

  

As for my sex life, it really messes things up for me.  My husband (though he does have pretty good hygeine) has that type of body where, if he eats garlic or any 'bad breath' foods, it comes out of his pores and can stay with him for two or three days.  I can't get past the offensive smell and find myself moving to the couch more and more.  He gets angry that he has to watch what he eats so that I'm not complaining about it, then gets annoyed if I opt to stay away from him when he does eat those foods.  I get angry when he's inconsiderate enough to eat them because then I think he doesn't care about being attractive for me anymore.  Okay.  If he wants to eat what he feels like-fine.  But he has no right to act offended if I do go to the couch or try to stay away from him.  I remember how in the early days of our relationship, I used to want to inhale him because good scents turn me on.  Nothing could be further from the truth now. 

  

In my eyes, he's not sensitive to my problem and if he's not going to be, then I have every right to stay away from him until the odor dies down.  I don't want my nose to be this sensitive!  I'm also sensitive about how his breath is.  I breath through my mouth whenever someone has bad breath (like garlic) including him of course-(red wine is a killer) but what about kissing him?  Even when he brushes his teeth, he doesn't do it thoroughly enough-even mouthwash isn't enough.  They mask the taste somewhat, but it's still there, hovering around.  Yuck! 

  

I KNOW I'm a real nuisance with this stuff but these are not the sort of things I can control.  Occasionally, I'll try to be intimate with him when maybe only his breath is a bit 'off' but my stomach churns and I'm praying that he won't keep kissing me.  Kissing was always a big part of sex for me.  It's no where near as good without it.  It's just gotten to the point where I just don't want to risk the unpleasantness anymore.   

  

I hate feeling this way.  Part of me feels guilty and part of me resents him for not going to the extra trouble of being sensitive enough towards me.  I do try to overlook these things sometimes- but I can't just not notice when there's a problem.  I can't just 'switch off' my senses.   

  

It doesn't help that we have some stress in our relationship in other ways either...I think if this were resolved, we'd both be in a better frame of mind to work on other things.  I do love him and though I know he thinks that things like tastes and smells shouldn't matter,  they unfortunately do.  He always used to say that Ishould be feeling so passionate about him the way he is with me, I should be dying to rip his clothes off!- but with our normal daily struggles topped of by this problem...I've lost that lovin' feeling and it aint happening.  I wish I knew how to get back what we used to have.  Would wearing nose plugs help? 

Well I've heard of people who loose their sense of smell but not becoming super sensitive. Go to the doctor, I'm sure there is something out there to help block your "smelling" sense some. In the mean time try putting some vicks vapor rub up each nostril if you can handle the smell of that it will over power the smell of everything else...they use that in the morgue when they work on dead bodies....so it does work. ~Red

Well, thanks for the idea.  It's certainly a different approach than I've ever heard or thought of!  I suppose I could try it for some things ....and it may help me deal with the fumes on my end, but besides being bothered by unpleasant smells, I also have the feeling that these odors sort of attach themselves to me ( things like foods, cigarette smoke) and besides feeling very 'stale' , I also get self-conscious that other people will then smell them on me and think that those odors are from  me!  Also, wouldn't it be kind of awkward to apply some Vicks before having intimacy?!!  I'm in my early forties as is my husband.  I remember when I actually liked  his scent.  Could age be making him smell different?  Or is it just my imagination because of my seemingly heightened sense of smell?

hi this is all so new to me but my problem is i am 23 years old i was married for 4years and now living with my boy friend i was so use to having sex at least once a day some times twice when i was married well the problem is my boy friend now only can handel once a day sometimes not even that he says that i am not normal and have issues with sex my thing is i find him so desireable that i want him all the time he makes me feel as i am not enough for him and that he is not satified with me i really do love him but how can i stop these feelings..

Your equating sex with being loved. When basicly sex is about feeling sexually fulfilled and sharing intimancy with someone you love. Its not a gauge on how much someone likes you or loves you or if your enough for someone.  

  

Since he is having a problem keeping up with you once a day, I would say that you are probably more than enough for him and he is quite satisfied or he would be all over you all the time also. 

  

You need to love yourself, not look for it from someone else with the warped idea that sex equals love. It doesn't, especially from the male perspective. Sex to them is purely a sexual release not a sign of affection. Thats why men are so much better at sexually pleasing themselves than women are,,they don't "love" their hand, but its there and they use it. 

  

Everyone has a sex drive, some more than others, but usually that comes from internal problems from within the person if it is really high, or even really low. Your not always going to be on the same page. Some people just aren't compatible and never will be. Some men don't want to be "chased" all the time. They want to initiate also, they want to feel like a man in the bedroom not a piece of meat. 

  

I would say that if your having sex once a day then you are above average and should be grateful. Just read some of the other posts here and you will see that most women here would love to have a man that is willing to have sex, let alone once a day! 

  

If you still feel that this isn't enough, then you have to look at yourself and find out why. Are you insecure with yourself, are you insecure with your relationship, do you think that your only value to someone is sex? Work on your self and your self worth issues and you will see that you have more to offer someone than just whats between your legs...sounds like your BF knows this, but you don't. ~Red 

I don't see how this would be awkward, but that depends on how much you want to keep the intimacy going with your H. Besides if your having such adverse reactions to smell I would use it all the time and not just before going to bed. At least until I got to the doctor to discuss this obsession with smell.   

  

After I posted I thought like Figuritout, that it sounds like OCD, and really needs some medical attention to determine why your feeling that these odors are attaching themselves to you and the need to "get rid of them". Age doesn't usually make anyone's body odor change unless he is on medication, I know a couple that might do that, but the emphasis is on might. This definitely sounds like a problem you have, not him or those around you. Please go get checked out. Good luck and keep in touch ~Red 

Well, you're both right.  I DO have OCD.  And yes, noise bothers me, especially steady, repetitive ones or things like the noise made when a car door is left open.  Crowds are a bit uncomfortable but not too bad.  I could try to ask my doctor if there is something to dull my sense of smell though I never heard of anything like that.  The Vicks is something I could try but I think the smell of that would get to me eventually too-though I do think that others would find that a tough odor to take as well!  Though I know some of this IS psychological, as Figuritout said, the smell is still there.  My husband and I have been trying to work on things between us which I hope will help get me get some of my sex-drive back.  The only thing is, between the ups and downs in our relationship and the offensive odors, it seems nearly impossible to think that it will come back.  I know you're not supposed to withhold sex as a weapon but at this point , between dealing with anger, resentment, and smells-I've barely been giving him anything!  I just can't function (or at least be really into it) when all of these problems are there.  The last few times (which have been far and few between) I just did it out of a sense of guilt or even to show love...but I didn't  enjoy it and thought of it as a chore.  It seems that whenever things are going okay with us, all of the hygeine/odor  things just ruin it for me.  Any sort of alchol breath...especially red wine....yuck!  (maybe because I'm not much of a drinker?)  I get annoyed if he's not 'sweet smelling' all around when he has intentions of going near me.  When I tell him that I always try to be sweet smelling for him...he says it doesn't matter to him anyway.  Well, it does to ME!  I need to know that I'm nicely groomed for him and though I don't run, shower, and brush my teeth first, I make sure not to eat things well ahead of time that would give me bad breath.  His garlic and other odors last for days at a time and I've told him so!  He gets defensive and annoyed-which makes me angry in return.  I do remember the days where I didn't even really think about or notice these things...but now they're so frequent, that I pretty much sniff around him when he comes near me after a day at work or something so that I know how friendly I'm willing to be with him later.  These days he doesn't stand a chance and I consider it his fault.  If he wants me, he would do what it takes to be appealing.  I DO tell him that he can eat what he wants but that he has to watch it if he has any thoughts about going near me.  That he's going to have to address and work with my issues.  Even if he thinks it's quirky, he knows I have these problems and should be willing to bend a bit.  With other people, I can sometimes smell bad breath or something -but generally, I have no problems with their scents.  With him, the entire room seems to fill with those garlic/food smells and I have to leave it.  The odors even stick around long after he's left!  I'm also self-conscious and embarrased FOR him..thinking 'the poor guy ought to know better' doesn't he realize that everyone can probably smell his lunch all over him!  Ahhh!!!!!!  Why can't I have a 'numb nose' like everyone else?!  I definitely do see some psychologica aspects of this...but THE SMELL IS STILL THERE!!!!!!

Today was my first time to view the message boards.  I was immediately taken aback by the posting of a woman whose husband was trying to intimidate her into anal sex. 

  

By personal experience, this can be very painful and that doesn't even begin to cover the problems you will have afterwards.  It does serious damage to the muscles in your rectum.  I don't understand how homosexuals go throughout their day without normal control of their bowels.  I had full blown anal sex one (1) time and it wasn't something I wanted but I wanted to please my partner.  It has taken almost 3 years for my rectal muscles to heal.  Literally... many times I crapped my pants because I couldn't control or didn't realize I was having a movement.  Let me tell you... to be a grown woman and have this problem was very embarressing.  Sometimes I didn't even realize until I would smell an odor. 

  

Another thing, I went to a doctor at the free clinic (because I was embarressed) who informed me that it is not natural to WANT TO have this type of sex and that it displays homosexual tendencies.  Why would your significant other want to do something that hurts you???  I don't care how relaxed or what kind of "lube" you use, this is not the way the human anatomy is intended to work.  In fact its completely backwards and common sense should come into play here. 

  

I agree with the other post... go an get a dildo and do it to him and see if he likes it.  Maybe then he will be able to relate!  If he says okay and enjoys it... you've got bigger problems than his sick fetish.