Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Hi everyone! I have a situation that I do not feel in control of, and am curious as to anyone else's opinion on it. I am 33 years old, married for 14 years with a 11 yr. old daughter. I met my husband when I was 15, been with him ever since. My husband 'rescued' me from a bad home, a place where they still call me 'crazy' and 'stupid'. As recent as last year, I could not get my mother to admit I was not crazy, or that she loved me. I have both parents living in the same town, as well as 3 brothers. I do still see them, however have really cut my contact with them over the years. I have it down to holidays only, pretty much.  

Anyhow, my sex drive is almost non-exisistent. I mean, sometimes I'm really ready to go, but much more often, I am not. I was molested as a child by my father and one of my brothers, something I let my husband know not long after we met. It never occured to either one of us that my sex drive lack of, may be due to my childhood. I started to read a book about healing from this, and it brought me more memories that were shocking! My husband was behind me on the journey, however he has issues with not 'getting any' and I think he thought this would take only a few days to accomplish. It didn't, and after a big fight I quit with any of it. I am considering pulling the book out again and really trying to heal and move on in my life, and I also have my husband agreeing to read a book on a functional family. My question is this, is it possible that this is the cause for my lack of desire? Is it plausible that I will be able to move on and heal from something that happened so long ago? I was truly shocked at the memories I discovered while trying this the first time, won't it do more damage than good to dig up the real truth that I'm hiding in my brain somewhere? Why can't I simply say to myself 'get over it' and have that happen with something like this?  

Sorry to go on and on, I appreciate everyone's time who reads this. Any suggestions, comments or advice on this topic?   

Jenn 

My husband and I have been married for 13 years.   We have two 4 year old boys.  Before the kids we had sex about 2 or 3 times a week.  Lately though, we're only having sex sporatically.  Only once I think since Valentines Day.  My husband had a vasectomy right before Christmas and I swear it was wasted money.  We've had sex so little that when my husband went back for his sperm check that he has yet to have a 'clean' sperm check since the vasectomy.  I want to have romance and sex in our marriage, but my husband never notices me, and just doesn't seem all that interested.  Is this normal??  B  

Help me please.  I am a 40 year old male, that has been married for 18 yrs.  We have 4 children 3 girls 20, 19, 17, and 1 boy 15.   

To be perfectly blunt I want sex every day.  My wife seems to be happy if its once a month.  I just don't know what to do.  We use to have sex, 3-4 times a week.   

My wife has made comments to me that it would be okay for me to look outside the marriage to fullfill my needs.  This is something that I really do not want to do. 

If any one has any suggestions please let me know. 

Thank you 

Hi.  There might be hope.  I am 50 and felt the same way.  I went to the doctor and had my hormones checked.  My estrogen level was under 30.  That's really LOW.  I was prescribed a hormone supplement that is a "blended compound".  You just put it under your toungue and it dissolves.  I am already feeling better all the way around.  I've been taking it for 1 month.  I did some research and found out how many aspects of your life it affects.  It even affects your skin.  Makes it thin.  You might want to look into it.

Best of luck to ya

I have posted over the last few weeks about my husband and his low testosterone levels.  Once he began on the herbal remades things started to change, he said he felt different, seemed to have more energy.  We actually had more sex in one week than in the previous six months, I felt like a weight was lifted from me, that it was not my fault, that there was actually something wrong with him and not me, I felt desired....Then he stopped taking the herbs and things are back to the way they used to be.

I am not sure how I feel.  I just don't understand why he doesn't think that our intimate relationship is worth saving.  I realize that testosterone levels are not the sole cause of lost libido.  I think deep down I knew that it wasn't just low testosterone all along.  My mother-in-law is an extremely cold and hard woman, have never sen her show my husband any affection in the 16 years we have been  together.  She did not even give him a kiss and hug on our wedding day.  My sister-in-law says she was very violent when they were small, my husband never talks about his childhood.  She is a very strong woman (hell, she scares me!).

There was an article in the Sunday paper last weekend which spoke about men and low libido and the possible reasons.  One of the reasons listed was "being in control" when a man feels powerless and controlled then he can withhold sex (I am sure that many women do this as well)  I am not a control freak but I am a strong person.  Maybe he is withholding sex?  

This all makes me really angry sometimes.  I mean I had a pretty mediocre childhood (alcoholic father and bi-polar mother)  and I am trying to do the best I can.  I am trying to raise my children in a happy home and show them love and make them feel wanted and appreciated.  I spent a year doing counseling to get rid of all that stuff.  My husband and I had counseling a few years ago when he was having anger issues and our relationship was bordering on turning DV.  The counselor spent most of the time looking at my behaviors and how I caused my husband to become angry.  He was the one who was pushing me around and it was my fault?

I have spoken to my husband a few times about past behavior and the reality is that DV is not just hitting someone, it can be emotional abuse, financial abuse, verbal.  I do feel his emotional withholding has the same effect on my self esteem as when he was angry.  He has admitted that he has an issue with sex, he realizes that it is not normal to have such a low sex drive.  What I don't understand is why he doesn't want to fix it???

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