Message Boards

Topic : Pornography

Number of Replies: 27679
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:18:48 pm
Author : dataimport

Good or bad, does porn play a part in your life? Talk about it here.


For support, please visit the How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship message board.

 

Please note: While a mature discussion about pornography is the purpose of this board, any posts that are attacking towards another poster, or are too graphic in nature, will be removed at the moderators' discretion.



As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 25, 2005, 7:43 pm CDT

a place for friends

Quote From: shmaybo

It's not just on the internet. It is the waitress with the short skirt, the nurse at the hospital, the therapist herself, the massage parlors who do more than massage the back, it's the commercials on television, the music videos, etc. I don't get it. Porn has affected my relationship but it's everywhere, so it's not like you can get away from it. If I had a choice between having him look at porn every once in awhile and cheating on me, I would pick to look at porn because I don't think it is the same thing. It is a visual and there is nothing wrong with looking. It is the acting out part that bothers me.

I am bored and these message boards don't talk about the issue at hand. It's more like a chat room in here. Hasn't anyone heard of Yahoo Messenger? Or maybe....oh, I don't know, a phone?

many of us have been here a long time. this board usually is very lively with the talk about porn in the relationship but it was down for  about 3 weeks getting all updated so when it came back.....the conversation started slow. Sometimes we talk about the issue and sometimes we just need a break from it all (it gets stressful) and we just talk. It is a way of allowing ourselves to be okay for awhile. Many of us have found great friendship on this board.....although we have never met. And so....there are days we just ask..."hey how are you doing? What's new with you?" and then there are days in which we talk, discuss, argue, and cry together. It is like home to many of us. If you stick around....you will find this place comes full circle....and you too will beome a friend of many of us....many of us have come here with the same pains....the same stuggles and we stay for the friendship and for the bond we have formed. I wish you well and hope our talking about so many things has not turned you away.
 
July 26, 2005, 3:35 am CDT

Trust your instincts

Quote From: gagardener

I will try to make this brief, this seemed a safe place to post - I love Dr. Phil's show and I mostly just want a sounding board to see if I am over-reacting, which is what my spouse usually thinks I'm doing. I am in my mid-forties, two teenage children, a boy and a girl, and have just married a man I dated for three years, after being divorced for four years. I knew he looked at porn but not to the extent he has since we've been married. I guess you truly never know someone until you live with them. I am a very liberal person and have nothing against sexual "enhancements" but I believe it's something that should be explored as a couple, together, and not like most men do it. We have already had discussions about it. But here's my new dilemma: the other night he was on the internet andhe asked for my help with something -and accidentally clicked on the websites he's visited. One of them was a "teen" porn one. I didn't blow up about it, just quietly asked him was he really looking at that. He tried to explain it away by saying he didn't really go on it, he was "re-directed". But he's made joking comments in the past about teenagers in school uniforms, etc., and also he seems unusually pre-occupied recently with child abductions, sexual assaults and murders on the news. Not that I don't think they aren't tragic, because they are, it's a horrible thing, but I don't bring it up while we're out to dinner somewhere, or driving down the road. He'll all of a sudden change the subject from whatever we're talking about and mention a case on the news, and say maybe "I wonder what all that guy did to that little girl", etc. - making it sound like he's disgusted but showing a morbid fascination with it, at the same time.It doesn't give me a good feeling and I know it's not part ofmost "normal" conversation discussing the news. I'm sorry this is so long for a post, I'm just wondering if I'm paranoid or if I have a legitimate concern,maybe should try going to counseling with him?? Please, any comments and input will be appreciated.
The thing we tend to do is distrust that what we are thinking or feeling is inaccurate or wrong. It is true that at times our minds go in directions that are out of the normal way of thinking and your spouses reactions to the news might just be that. But the one thing I have found out is when our guts are twisting and our thoughts are working overtime, I beleive this is a natural tendancy to preserve and protect ourselves and maybe even others.His visiting teen porn web sites might just be a curiousity. After all, porn gets pretty ridiculous and repetitious after a while. Maybe he was just innocently exploring. Sex and fantasy are personal and individual and if we feel we have to try to understand everyone's fetishes we will drive ourselves insane. As a mother of two young men, you are sensitive to this even more, and rightly so. In closing my post to you, I would just like to tell you if something is bothering you, you need to address it and don't let it slip through the cracks. Keep your eyes and ears wide open because you just may be dealing with a guy that has sexual problems. It seems men have more sexual deviations whereas women are always trying to justify their emotions regarding behavior that is odd or wierd or different, at best. Good luck and remember you are a mother with two children and I am sure you are level headed. Don't let someone try to manipulate you think you don't know what you are talking about. Kimi
 
July 26, 2005, 5:51 am CDT

Thanks for the insight

Quote From: kimikomine

The thing we tend to do is distrust that what we are thinking or feeling is inaccurate or wrong. It is true that at times our minds go in directions that are out of the normal way of thinking and your spouses reactions to the news might just be that. But the one thing I have found out is when our guts are twisting and our thoughts are working overtime, I beleive this is a natural tendancy to preserve and protect ourselves and maybe even others.His visiting teen porn web sites might just be a curiousity. After all, porn gets pretty ridiculous and repetitious after a while. Maybe he was just innocently exploring. Sex and fantasy are personal and individual and if we feel we have to try to understand everyone's fetishes we will drive ourselves insane. As a mother of two young men, you are sensitive to this even more, and rightly so. In closing my post to you, I would just like to tell you if something is bothering you, you need to address it and don't let it slip through the cracks. Keep your eyes and ears wide open because you just may be dealing with a guy that has sexual problems. It seems men have more sexual deviations whereas women are always trying to justify their emotions regarding behavior that is odd or wierd or different, at best. Good luck and remember you are a mother with two children and I am sure you are level headed. Don't let someone try to manipulate you think you don't know what you are talking about. Kimi

Thanks, ladies,  for the insight.   I love my husband but he is one of these types that,  when trying to discuss issues or concerns,  he always turns everything back on me, making me seem the one over-reacting or making an issue out of nothing.  An example is he has a bad temper and blows up quite frequently about trivial things,  I don't have a bad temper, but if I ever do just go off about something,  I am "unhinged" or "imbalanced" because he's "used to me being calm about everything".   I don't know.  I'm usually very level-headed and confident about myself but he twists things around so much at times that I come out of conversations with him doubting my own sanity! (Porn isn't the only issue we have)  So that's why I wanted other opinions,  but how can you talk to your family or friends about this kind of thing?   Like I said,  we've discussed the porn issue before,  and I am open for exploring new sexual avenues with him, as long as I'm comfortable with it.  It's not like I don't WANT to have sex with him - I like to have sex more than he does is the weird thing about this.  So he can't use the excuse that I never want to,  and that's why he goes on the internet.  And I'm very open-minded about things and he knows that.  I just don't understand why he does this behind my back.  He's like some of the others - he didn't lie when caught but certainly didn't tell me about it.  It's like they know they're not supposed to do it,  and the act of sneaking around and doing it gives them as much pleasure as actually viewing the porn itself.  At least that's how it seems.   It made me feel hurt and rejected to start with,  when I would be lying upstairs, alone and untouched,  knowing he was at the computer downstairs viewing porn.  But now I realize it's got to be some kind of compulsion on his part - I'm not beautiful but not unattractive either.  So I know it can't be all me.  He swears the teen thing was a "re-direct",  then he said they were over 18 anyway,  but I've heard that after they look at ordinary porn for a while, it gets boring to them and indeed they feel like they have to keep looking at more risque sites.  But anyway,  I'm glad to have found this site and I will keep trying to talk to him about it.  I am recording the Dr. Phil show today,  I undestand it's about this very topic,  and I am going to ask him to watch it with me,  and hopefully that will lead to some serious discussion. 

 
July 26, 2005, 6:58 am CDT

hello kimi

hey....i was just talking to the hubby last night about the regulars not being around so much.......I am so glad you found your way back.....How have you been? How are things with the hubby? Have you made any new decisions about  your relationship?  I was just thinking that last summer you had set a time line that you wanted things to be different  by the end of the summer......are things different than they were last summer?  I hope you have found some discoveries about things in the last few weeks.

 

 

Things here are pretty good.....damn too hot!!!! but tomorrow the temperatures are suppose to break and only be 75 degrees.  I can't wait!!! It has been 90 + for like forever now!

 
July 26, 2005, 9:00 am CDT

What about a proactive responce to the positive Lillac?!

Realizing that I am only a man, therefore not able to understand, still what about letting him know the intention to have sex instead of just getting ready and waiting in bed. Many men go to bed and try to intiate only to be rejected with any of the miriad of excuses (reasons). Many to the extent that they (men) just give up trying and just wait for her to let him know she is available. How many times would you go to a resturant and wait extended periods of time to be waited on while those having sat down after you got waited on first.  All the while the waiter saying I'll get to you when I can. I just have all these other people to take care of first. Or, I've had such a long day and am very tired so I'll get to you when I can get the energy. Seems logical that you wouldn't allow it to happen frequently before not going to that resturant again.

(Cut and paste quoting doesn't seem to work on this new format so I'm speaking to your responce to Shmaybo about waiting for the husband to come to bed while he's "jacking off" to porn.)

(nothing against you in any of this) My point being that, as usual, all these assurtions are being made when we have no real knowledge of how she (any woman) has treated him sexually or that she is being fair sexually in the marriage in her mind alone.
 
July 26, 2005, 9:46 am CDT

Bumpin around in the dark

Hello everyone, I'm sure I won't be getting the warm 'welcome backs' that all the others are hehe

 

but, here I am.

 
July 26, 2005, 10:04 am CDT

Curiosity...

I think Kimikomine hit the nail on the head with her post.  After watching porn stars do their thing, it gets same old same old after awhile.  Men often go to teen sites because it's here that the young women are beautiful and natural, not made up or have implants. Often times there are also amateur video clips in these sites as well, which is different and more titillating than the obviously staged porn movies.  It's natural for men to be curious about what women/teens look like underneath their clothes. It's been this way since the beginning of time!  Even if they have a gorgeous wife, they will always wonder what other women look like naked.  Porn viewing is an enjoyable activity that does not reflect on how men feel about their wives; rather it reflects on how they feel about sexuality and their sexual fantasies.  If only women could understand this!  They think it's all about THEM - and it isn't!  
 
July 26, 2005, 10:16 am CDT

a different viewpoint

I'm looking forward to watching the show, but my situation has been quite different.  I have been married for 15 years.  A few months ago, I got up and went online to check my email.  I was very surprised to find some porn pictures in the history.  I was worried that my son who is only 13 was looking at the porn.  My husband has always tended toward being very "proper" and not liking moview that had too much sexual content, so I didn't think that it was him looking at porn.  I woke him up to ask him and he said yes it was him.  I was so glad that he was honest with me.  I also felt relieved that he was "normal".  I do think it is normal to be interested in porn for both men and women.  I felt after that that I could be more open with him sexually.  It has been such a turn on for me and such a boost for our sex life.  He really doesn't look at porn much- may-be once every one or two months.  I don't mind and I told him I didn't.  He doesn't jerk off to porn instead of being with me, but sometimes he'll come to me with a new idea.  I love it!
 
July 26, 2005, 10:31 am CDT

Laying in bed waiting?

Why is it that women always lay in bed and wait for men to approach them?  Have they ever heard of initiating sex with their husbands?  Ya know, men like to feel desired and wanted also!  And as Allinall stated, after a while, we get tired of doing all the initiating (whether we're shot down or not).  That's ANOTHER reason why we look at porn!  Because alot of the time it's the WOMEN that are approaching the men in these porn movies - and as any man knows, that is a really BIG TURN-ON.  Perhaps if these wives would chase their husband's around the house more often, they wouldn't have the desire to look at it as much.  Just my opinion.

 

p.s. ** Has anyone seen Jessica Simpson's new video??? "These Boots Are Made For Walking".... HOT DAMN!!  Almost better than any porn out there lol!  Damn you Jessie.... 

 
July 26, 2005, 11:08 am CDT

allinall!

Quote From: allinall

Realizing that I am only a man, therefore not able to understand, still what about letting him know the intention to have sex instead of just getting ready and waiting in bed. Many men go to bed and try to intiate only to be rejected with any of the miriad of excuses (reasons). Many to the extent that they (men) just give up trying and just wait for her to let him know she is available. How many times would you go to a resturant and wait extended periods of time to be waited on while those having sat down after you got waited on first. All the while the waiter saying I'll get to you when I can. I just have all these other people to take care of first. Or, I've had such a long day and am very tired so I'll get to you when I can get the energy. Seems logical that you wouldn't allow it to happen frequently before not going to that resturant again.

(Cut and paste quoting doesn't seem to work on this new format so I'm speaking to your responce to Shmaybo about waiting for the husband to come to bed while he's "jacking off" to porn.)

(nothing against you in any of this) My point being that, as usual, all these assurtions are being made when we have no real knowledge of how she (any woman) has treated him sexually or that she is being fair sexually in the marriage in her mind alone.

I wondered when you'd finally return. How about this new format?

 

Obviously, you're right, allinall. I used the example you mention more as a "what often happens" kind of example rather than a specific one although certainly something we've read about happening on this very board. As for me, I'm not patient enough to lie in bed. I tend to take the bull by the horns in my own marriage, so to speak.

 

How have you been?

 

My 13-year-old step-daughter has moved in with us permanently and has brought with her a whole new set of parenting challenges . . . related not necessarily to pornography but to sex in general. I look at her and see us reaping culturally what we have sowed. In allowing internet pornography to become so popular and pornography in general to filter down into other more mainstream forms of media, we have inadvertently pollluted the minds of our teenagers and sent them the message that's what real sex looks like and they should start having it as soon as possible. The girls especially are confused into thinking that in order to attract boys you must dress and behave like you are promiscuous even if you aren't. Even more unfortunately, they are becoming promiscuous very young. My 13-year-old tells me that 7th grade girls brag about how many boys they've slept with. There is apparently no peer prohibition against early sex. I think our porn-friendly culture has a lot to do with this phenomenon. What do you think?

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last