Topic : 12/15 Children of Addicts

I knew Dr. Phil's father was alcoholic, but I hadn't realized Robin came from a similar background.  Makes sense, now that I think about it.

 

So did I.  My parents both passed away from the disease, but with the help of Al-Anon and a few bumps along the way, I, too, no longer feel this fact defines me.

 

I got a great deal of wonderful love and lots of lessons from my family.  I'm grateful today I can appreciate the good and laugh at the absurd.

 

 

I'm looking forward to seeing this show.  I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have now been married to an alcoholic for 10 years.  My father is now a big part of my life, but never was there when I was growing up.  He has told me he never wanted a daughter and that's why he rejected me for so long.  I have been able to get past that with him and he is helping me with dealing with my husband who is an alcoholic.  I am a very good wife to this man and a very good mom.  I have been at home for 10 years now.  My husband is very mentally abusive when he is drunk and has over the past few years gotten physical with me.  His last stint, I finally had the courage to call the police, but a few weeks later, we were back together.  Again promise after promise was made and he did good for a short time, but he's heading back down that dreadful road again.  I love this man with all my heart and just can't seem to break away.  I'm depressed all the time and worry constantly about where he is and if he's going to come home drunk again now.  He's been the bread winner, if that's what you want to call barely making it month by month and in debt up to or ears.  He's always got an excuse as to why I can't work and when I did get a part time job at one point,  he would make sure he wasn't home in time to take care of the kids.  I ended up quitting the job.  After our last fight I finally told him I wouldn't go through with this again.  I have enrolled in my local college for a course in CNA training so that I can get a decent job and be able to support our kids and myself.  I have gone to counseling and we had been going to see our Pastor at church, but that stopped because he was tired of being told that his drinking was what our marriage problems were all about.  He has manipulated me into believing that our problems are not because of his drinking and that I'm to blame for most of them.  I know in my heart that that is not true.  I would have made him leave for good but I couldn't find a job and was afraid of not being able to support our kids and myself.  I have decided that I will start going back to church and would like to get Robins book.  This man tells me he loves me about 100 times a day and that we'll be together forever, but why does he keep hurting me???  I'm very confused and unsure where to go at this point.  Any insight would be nice.  Sorry so long....Thanks for listening.

I too am an adult child of an alcoholic.  I wish I could remember a time when my father didn't drink but I can't, it has been a problem that long.  My father's problem has gotten worse since my mother died of cancer in March of 2002, he has steadily started drinking earlier and earlier everyday.  Thanksgiving Day my father told me he thinks his drinking is killing him, what do you say to that???  I was so shocked, so dumbfounded, I didn't know what to say.  I know I can't make him stop drinking, he has to want it but I am afraid I am going to loose him at a young age just like I did my mother.  It is during the holidays that I wish I could just escape, leave everything behind and not look back but I can't do it, I am too caring like my mother so I will stay by my dad and the rest of the family to support them as I fall to pieces inside.

i have spent the majority of my life 55 yrs dealing with alcohaolics and drug addicts and it is a life of hell the embarrasement the pain holidays go by nothing to celebrate i cant remember the last time i got a christmas gift a card or a call from anyone on the holiday i get call from needy people in trouble drunk and tell me what arotten mother i am and hope i suffer and die i am so use to hate and violence embarrased no friends cant let anyone into my life because the caous that is involved in life with kids and an x alcoholic  i do not date drinkers nor do i socialise with them i learned to go the oposite direction    i dont do the bars or go to functions where there is a lot of drinking i work three jobs and feel i am suffering and my death will be the only salvation from all this  i am a christian and ask god for help but i am ok it is all the people in my life who dont want or need help according to them

I can't wait to see this show.  As a child of an alcholic father, I lived many many years in a home that you never knew when the next bomb would drop.  My father was a mean drunk - and would beat my mother and siblings because of his selfish habit....I was 6 when I promised myself that I would go to college, have a career, and would marry a man who did not drink or smoke --- that happened!!! I have a beautiful family and an absolute wonderful husband.  I married someone totally opposite of my father ---- and my life is totally opposite of my childhood.  Today there are helps available for people who find themselves in abusive relationships, whether it be alcohol, drugs, compromised mental conditions, etc.  There is hope that your life can be better. Believe in yourself - reach out for help - Each day is a blessing ready for you to enjoy!!!  You deserve to enjoy life's journey. 

JUST SAY KNOW  by Dr. Sheila Blume; psychiatrist, addiction specialist

Is a wonderful program that has 3 components:

 

First : It helps you to valuate your own drinking and/or use of mood-changing chemicals: 

You chart your own chemical use;  Identify high risk patterns and circumstances; Spot the beginnings of a problem; Take steps to avoid chemical dependency

 

Second

Learning to relax without the use of chemicals: 

 Control of stress through relaxation; Chart your own patterns of tension; Using a relaxation tape, with or without biofeedback;  Integrating relaxation into your daily life

 

Third

If you have a chemical dependency problem and are receiving help, learning to relax as an adjunct to recovery: Relaxation as an aid in recovery; Charting your patterns of tension; Using a relaxation tape, with or without biofeedback;  Relaxing with thoughts helpful in early recovery:

Relaxing with thoughts helpful in continuing recovery

 

Just Say Know, you are already concerned about:

Preventing chemical dependency; if possible

Recognizing and correcting unhealthful patterns of alcohol/drug use

Identifying a chemical dependency if one exists and the program will address these concerns and do more. It will offer you instruction in relaxation, either with relaxation tapes alone or with tapes plus biofeedback. It will help you integrate regular relaxation into your normal pattern of activities, instead of using alcohol or other chemicals. Furthermore, if you find that you do have a problem with chemical dependency and enter treatment, this program will help you learn to relax as an adjunct to you program of recovery.

 

http://www.mindgrowth.com/store/index.php?cPath=25

 

 

 I am grateful to Dr. Phil and Robin for sharing their stories. I recognized over the years that Dr. Phil had been affected by his father's alcoholism. I felt and heard the spirituality in his programs.

 

  I have learned that Alcoholism is a Family Disease. It affects every family member or friend. I am the daughter, granddaughter, sister,  niece , friend, co worker, aunt of  people who have drinking problems. A couple are self admitted alcoholics. I was in denial for many, many years that I had been affected by the insane drinking of others. It wasn't until I went to Al Anon that I heard my feelings and behaviours over and over. in the stories of others.

 

  I was angry, lonely, depressed, unhappy and had an inner rage that would not stop. I had numerous secrets. I had thoughts of suidcide and deep pain. I wanted it to stop and thought death was the only way. I am grateful to say it wasn't.

  

 I felt safe in an anonymous fellowship to let out my secrets. I shared my secret feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. I was hurting. I cried and cried and let my pain flow. I still have challenging days but now I have tools and support to help me through.   I have serenity in my life. I no longer want to die.

 

Please call Al Anon 1-888-425-2666 to find a meeting near you.  Go for 6 meetings and see if it is for you. Visit the Al Anon website http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html to find out more.

 

 

It's great that you are taking steps to make yourself self-sufficient in the event you leave him (or kick him out) -- BUT, waiting until those things are in place is putting you and your kids in more danger.  Even though you have made up with your own father, you know from experience that growing up with an alcoholic parent (abusive or not) is not a good example or environment.  Based on the fact that you said he is abusive verbally and physically is a recipe for disaster -- you need to kick him out now.  Do not enable or tolerate his continued behavior.  No matter what, you and your kids are already being affected by your husband's drinking -- and your kids need and deserve to have a home environment where they feel safe and aren't always in survival mode, or wondering what's going to happen next.  And, your kids need to see you being strong for yourself and for them -- they are relying on you now more than ever -- lead by example.  What will happen if you try to stick it out?  Unpredictability of the abuse could leave them without a mother.  What will happen to them then? Believe me -- they don't want to be put in that situation because of the lame or bad choices you make now.  If you can't do it for yourself -- do it for your kids. You need to quit believing all the promises -- actions speak much louder than words.  Those promises are just a method to pacify you and get you to quit nagging for a while.  Until you see a sober husband for a significant length of time, do not live in the same house with him -- for your sake and for your kids sake.  A few weeks here and there is simply not enough.  Through all the nagging, arguing, yelling, crying, dragging him to counseling -- whatever -- you cannot fix him.  It is not your fault.  He needs to recognize his problem, and do whatever is necessary to bring himself to back to sobriety -- especially if he wants to get back to living in the same house with his family.  Support him emotionally in his recovery.  His chosen actions will eventually make or break him.  In the meantime, you and the kids will be safe.  Both of my parents were alcoholics and I very much wish that a sober and responsible adult had stood up for me when I was a kid -- acting like they cared and/or had an interest in me, my sanity and my safety.  Your first priority is protecting yourself and your kids -- now.  Good luck to you.

 I have had a long association with all kinds of drinkers. Out of that experience I believe there is an error of judgement right across the board on alcoholism.
I've found that there is two types of "Alcoholics" One that has steadily drank himself into an addiction (The abuser) & the other who has an overwhelming intolerance to the actual substance of alcohol or part of it's compounds. The allergic drinker.
The distinction can be made virtually from the first 3 or 4 drinks.
The abuser has little reaction other than a slow deterioration into incoherance etc.
The allergic drinker has a major mood swing. They become illogical & out of charactor.
I am closely associated with one family, the mother & the 2 adult offsping, who virtually switch off after a couple of drinks. One turns into a pathological liar after just one or two small glasses of Sherry. They constantly strive to feel like "normal" people who can have a social drink, but it is metabolically impossible. Sadly, the condition is not acknowledged or "humanised"
I don't think enough work is done to explain to these people that they are not misfits or social subordinates because of this allergy.
It is no different from all the common allergies & it ought to be addressed with the same medical warnings & advise, & it needs public acknowledgement so that these symptoms become common knowledge before the unwinnable fight has deteriorated into a constant struggle of both the reliance & the allergy.
They should not be bundled into "Victims' of the disease of alcoholism" which results purely from over indulgence.

Your post is the first time I have ever seen allergy addressed in relation to alcohol.  My family has many members who can hold their drink and drink themselves silly, but my mood changes after one or two drinks.  Recently, after many years of sobriety, I attended a family function and after a couple of glasses of wine, I decided vodka would be better.  After one drink of vodka I was face down in my dinner.  Imagine my embarrassment when I woke up the next morning after being bundled off as an idiot and driven home and shoved in my door.  After so many years of sobriety this lapse in judgment only confirmed to my family that I was crazy and beyond help.  Abstinence is on the only answer for me, but it has taken many years for me to realize this.  On the bright side, I have far fewer health problems than my other family members who are hard core drinkers.  Abstinence has it rewards.