Topic : 07/17 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

Perhaps I am a bit judmental and maybe yet still a little resentful. I see this same attitude in the other male poster who also complained about his early life and the unwillingness of women to consider him "because he isn't a chauvinist pig."

I think he sees the women who rejected him "getting the men they deserved." Perhaps this is judgmental. I can see you reading that way.

I admit to it. If women insist on choosing men-children because they find them sexually attractive, then they deserve what they get. On the OTHER HAND their children-to-be did NOT make that choice and that is what THEY get also.

Perhaps a retooling is necessary. Perhaps women need to eschew the modern press of aggrandizing man-children who are roughnecks and stunt junkies, to look at those who took their studies seriously and made something of themselves...of men who don't have washboard abs but are very able to support their children and behave lovingly to their wives.

If this makes me judgmental, than I think that is OK. 

I notice fewer women have posted on this site now complaining about their spouses. It could be partially because the show is now getting past its time and others replace it. It could also be (I hope) because the last posts from me and the other man might be getting some to think about the choices they made that attracted them to man-children, instead of real men.

Rosey1

when watching part 1 of Man Camp, I was overthrown with so many mixed emotions running through me. It all happened when Dr. Phil said do you know how many times I've called my wife a bitch.............and he put his fingers up to form a zero, and he said zero.  There is not a day that goes by in my 25 years of marriage that I am not cursed at or screamed at by terrible names. It's just nice to know there are men that don't do that. I have so much more to say but I'm to afraid of opening up that can of emotions.  Being I am alone with no extended family, no one to turn to I just can't handle that alone.  I just wanted to say it was so nice to here a man say that about his wife, it was truly wonderful.

Thank you,

Lisa

Long Island, NY

 this show was very difficult to watch due to all the abuse on both partners behalfs. wow! i feel blessed to have the man i do. he's alot like yours. no he does't do alot of the cleaning, but he does do alot in other areas. i work a full time job, but he works three jobs everyday to provide for our family of 4 children, only one being his biological child, and the other three from my previous marriage. He's the one who has taken the two oldest ones to the bank to open checking accounts or help them apply for credit to take loans for cares so on and so forth. he's the one that will fix the furnace when it breaks in sub-zero weather, and yes he goes to dr. appts with them when i can't. he's the one who the kids go to when they need someone rational to talk to if i am in one of my premenopausal moods, he's the one who lets the dogs out when everyone else is too lazy, and when the laundry basket is too heavy he carries it up two flights of stairs for me. he's a great cook and has one of the best senses of humor i have ever known. is he perfect? no but neither am i. It took me along time to figure this out. i used to question why does he not do this or that? why is he not the most affectionate man, how come he never goes into detail about things that i ask him? why can't he close the cabinet doors when he takes something out? my god does he have to be such a slob? then one day I got it! he's not me and I cannot expect him to be like me. he is who he is. instead of finding fault, i had to ask myself these questions. Is he a good man, father, husband, provider, faithful? YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE! Can i live with his imperfections? YES! Its only after i answered these questions did i start to celebrate who he is and all the good qualities he possesses, and you know what? I am alot less frustrated. I love him to death, and could not imagine being without him.

I think it may be safe to say that there are two kinds of abusers. The one who really knows exactly what he's doing and plots and schemes. God knows there are people on this earth who are evil through and through. They are heartless to the core. But there are also a lot of people who just don't think. They let there anger get the best of them and fly off the handle without thinking through the consequences. I myself used to do that. Trust me I didn't sit and plot and scheme about how to make my husband miserable or whoever else it was that I was mad at. I was just hurt or irritated and being selfish. I was blind to the thoughts and feelings of others. You just go around reacting to everything. It isn't always easy to tell the difference between the two. But in either case throwing your own anger on top certainly doesn't help. But I still say treating them with unconditional respect is your best defense.

When I say respect them no matter what. I'm not saying to just lay down and take their abuse. I'm not even saying to stay with them no matter what. What I'm saying is resist the urge to fight fire with fire. We also need to resist the urge to look down on them. Anger is typically a secondary emotion. There is usually hurt, insecurity or fear underneath.

You say most abusers have anger management skills that they choose not to use at home. That may be, but my ex husband and my current husband had bad tempers at home and at work. My ex was worse at home, at least I thought, but maybe that was because I had to put up  with it then. My current husband was about the same either place. Now he's pretty good at home most of the time. But he still struggles at work because it's a high pressure job. If he starts to lose his cool at home he catches himself quick. He knows he has a temper and so do I. But since we respect each other I don't throw gas on the fire and he has enough sense to go somewhere and cool off.

But I have a theory on why people are worse at home than anywhere else. Our expectations are higher at home and we are more vulnerable to our spouses than anyone else. If my neighbor holds me in contempt, that would hurt my feelings and cause me some stress but it's not the end of the world. But when your spouse, your parent, or your child holds you in contempt that cuts a little deeper so tempers are more likely to fly.

I just see many women make a bad situation worse by handling things ineffectively. I have been such a woman. If your husband gets mad and storms off, let him go. Don't throw gas on the fire by insulting him, telling him he's being selfish, or chasing him. Just let him go cool off. You can always talk about things later when you've had a chance to think things over. When you're mad is not the time to talk.

Whenever my ex or my current husband would get mad at me, I'd throw it right back at them. All it did was escalate out of control. But AFTER I left my ex I STILL had to deal with him for six long years. That's why I'm not quick to tell a woman to leave or judge them for staying. Most people don't seem to realize that you can't just get them out of your life when you have kids with them. It isn't that simple. As I said, by the grace of God I was able to make peace with my ex. We have had 3 years of peace.

But I'd like to give an example of what I'm talking about. As far as respect in the midst of abuse. One time when I went to court when my ex and I were doing the court thing, he comes up screaming and cussing me out, calling me names. He shoved his finger in my face. He was actually touching my face with his finger and spit was flying out of his mouth as he screamed at me. I used to get mad and just yell back or at least try and defend myself or tell him how immature he was. But I was just praying that God would help me to handle it the right way. I just sat there and never flinched. I calmly and politely lifted my hand and pushed his out of my face and said, "Please don't stick your finger in my face." He started yelling again and cussing at me again and stuck his finger back in my face again. I did the same thing again. Then he just got flustered and turned around and walked away. But then he went and started some crap with the sercurity guard. After about 5 minutes of trying to get him calmed down the security guard had enough and arrested him.  But it was a victory for me that day. Not because he got arrested but because he didn't get a rise out of me. I didn't flinch and I didn't treat him with the same disrespect he treated me. You should've seen the look on his face. You could tell he didn't know what to make of it.

The Bible says a gentle answer turns away wrath and harsh words stir up anger. It also says the mouth of a fool invites a beating. We need to use wisdom.

You know Ghandi and Martin Luther King weren't doormats either. They chose to take a proactive role against their abusers. They overcame by respecting their enemies but standing for the truth. These men were movers and shakers in the world. They both lost their lives for it. But some things are worth dying for.

Why in the world would you put up with that.  Are you afraid of what he might do if you stood up to him?  I would hope he would lay just one finger on me and I would have his ass thrown in jail!!!  WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!!!