Quote From: cutesecretaryMay I asked what finally brought you to the point of forgiveness with your husband? Are you still together and how do you keep from falling back on that incident at times? That is where I seem to be stuck. Originally when it all happened we lived right across the street from my sister, but we have since moved out of the town, but not real far. We all work in the same town and sadly his last stunt was going on during the work day hours. He would go so far as to go to a pay phone and call her so I wouldn't find out. This went on for months behind my back (before we moved), and at that same time I had also found out that for those same months he was also supporting her financially. He said he felt guilty because her kids were doing without. What about ours? Please help if you have any suggestions. Even if we don't stay together I want to move past this. I don't talk much with my sister these days, but for the sake of all the kids we are civil.
Finally, the last thing I want to do is carry this with me to the point that I would make another man suffer for my husbands ( & my ) mistakes. Thanks.
I guess there isn't any one thing that brought me to a place of forgiveness. In our situation my sister lived about 4 hours away and she started to come to visit quite often, and since I have been away from home since I was almost 14, I thought it was wonderful to reconnect., little did I know that she was coming to see my husband. Don't get me wrong, I am not just blaming her, my husband was every bit as much at fault and encouraged her to come around. I just found it so offensive that a sister could cross that line of trust with her own flesh and blood. I suspected at the time they were carrying on that something was up, but I didn't realize how far it had gone, that they had met in a hotel for a weekend and had sex. I confronted my husband at that time and he said that he was involved with her but it hadn't progressed to sex yet. (liar) But he wanted our marriage and me and he would stop all contact with her. I thought that was great and I looked at my own part in the marriage break down and we both decided at that point to recommit and work on our relationship. I put my all into him and just fell in love all over again. (not knowing at this point he had actually slept with her) It was 2 years later, after I thought we were doing very well that I found out about the full fledged affair, from my sister's then husband. I was so devastated I can't begin to put into words the pain and rage I felt. I felt so used and tricked etc. It was awful. At that point I was ready to leave him and he decided to go for counselling. I went too but not at the same time. We slowly worked on our marriage and all the lies etc. and after about 3 years, (I know, a long time) I finally started, for my own sake to move past all the crap and let some of it go. I decided right from the day I found out that I was not going to turn into one of those nasty bitter old hags who was only out for revenge. Believe me, it was not easy and it didn't happen overnight but I can say that 6 years later I am at peace with the whole thing. I think the keys for me were one, that he accepted responsibility and didn't blame anyone else for his actions, and two I was willing to see that I had a part in where our marriage had gotten to. I will never excuse his behaviors, they were unacceptable, period, but I have been able to see a bit, where he was coming from, because of his upbringing, insecurites etc.
THe hurt for me now is that I have lost 3 of my sisters, I have 4, as a direct result of the affair. I have tried and tried to reach out to them and heal all of this mess but they are angry at my husband and won't forgive him for messing up our family so much. I am slowly realizing that I want my first priority to be my marriage so I have to just let my family go. But it's not easy because I have been on my own (due to problems with my stepfather etc.) for a very long time. I think because of my low self esteem I was a target for a man like my husband used to be, I no longer allow that kind of abuse in my life.
My kids are all grown up and they had a very hard time accepting my husband back into their lives after this. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and he has 3, we also have one between us. She was still at home during this whole thing. But as I have said, thankfully, he has worked very hard to change and there has been a lot of healing.
Hang in there, it does get better. And I am not saying you should stay with him, you have to decide for yourself and do what is best for you. And just remember you are NOT to blame here. THe counsellor said something to me which I have never forgotten. He said, you are both 100% responsible for where your marriage has gotten to, but he is 100% responsible for his behaviors in choosing to deal with the marriage problems by blaming me and going outside of our marriage and having an affair.
It's rough, but keep talking. I am happy to share any of the insights I have learned with you. If any little bit can help ease the pain I am thankful. No one understands it unless they have been through the double betrayal of 2 people they love.
Hope this helps a bit.
(Original Air Date: 02/13/07) In a marriage, an affair is the ultimate betrayal. But imagine finding out that your husband was cheating on you with your sister! Bettie says her husband, John, destroyed her trust when he had a six-month relationship with her sister, Molly -- an affair that occurred in Bettie’s own house. John says his act of infidelity happened nearly two years ago, and he’s over it, but he doesn’t understand why Bettie just can’t let it go. Then Molly, who has been watching backstage, joins her sister and brother-in-law. Find out why Molly says John is not the man Bettie thinks he is. Plus, Bettie’s mom, Virginia, overheard a secret phone call between Molly and John and says she doesn’t know why Bettie married John in the first place. Will Bettie’s lingering feelings of betrayal and mistrust destroy her relationship with her sister? Will she be able to forgive her husband and move past his affair? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
