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Topic : 08/02 Explosive Anger and Its Aftermath

Number of Replies: 269
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Created on : Thursday, March 29, 2007, 12:45:35 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/06/07) Do you know a happy person who, if crossed, will explode in an instant with uncontrollable rage? Intermittent Explosive Disorder may explain why Dr. Phil's guests suddenly lose their temper, break things and even hurt other people. Carrie lives with constant uncertainty. She says her husband, Bob, can be totally calm one minute and be fist-fighting the next. He yells and curses at her, flips off other drivers and hit another man so hard it knocked his eye out; an act of violence that landed him in prison. Where does Bob's anger come from? After Dr. Phil shows Carrie and Bob a video of a previous guest, will Carrie decide to leave the anger prison she's been living in? Then, Traci says her 17-year-old daughter, Melinda, is tearing their family apart. In a matter of seconds, she can go from being a loving daughter and sibling, to throwing blenders and threatening her sister's life, for no apparent reason. Melinda says she's so full of anger that when she gets upset, she feels like she's going to explode. Do her mother and sister deserve the treatment they're getting, or is there something much deeper underlying Melinda's rage? Tell us what you think!

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April 5, 2007, 8:29 pm CDT

The Invisible Illness

Quote From: carla_d

This sounds just like my husband. My daughter (his step-daughter) was 11 when she was diagnosed with ODD. She was then diagnosed when she was 14 with bipolar disorder. We have both gone through the same things with her(throwing things, getting mad for no reason at the drop of a hat, etc). She is now 19 and living with her boyfriend and has a good job. So now that she is no longer at home, I am dealing with him. He blames me for all the things that have happened over the years. He tells me if I had been a better parent that things would have not gotten so out of hand. I am at my breaking point. I am so tired of trying to justify myself to him. A couple of years ago I got very depressed to the point that I wanted to just drive off a bridge. Instead of doing that, I decided to go to a mental health facility here in Dallas for some help. I called my husband at work to tell him what I was doing and asked him to call my parents. Well after he called them, they called my sister, whom I had been confiding in. She in turn called my husband on his cell phone and pretty much told him off and gave him a cusssing out and blamed him for my depression. I know she should have not done this, but I know she was upset  and vented to him. This was almost 3 years ago. Now he thinks she should appologize to him for what happened that day. I have told her how upset he is over this and she tells me she was upset too. He is constantly on me to "fix things" between them. I think he needs to get over it and move on, but won't. It has gotten to the point that he no longer shows any kind of affection towards me whatsoever. I feel so beaten down emotionaly.

Carla D, The problem with mental illnesses is that you cannot see them, they point no fingers, and even deny their existance.  That leaves all the guesswork to us, and when people we love are being hurt we tend to lose our rationality and logic and point fingers and abuse the wrong people.

  As you understand yourself there is no joy in being blamed for things you have not done, and this hurts some people more than others, so help your sister and your husband reconcile and take that pressure off yourself.

  Sometimes when the problem is just too big you have to tackle it piece by piece, and I'm sure when you help your family to reconcile that it will lift a weight from your shoulders as well.

  For yourself, join a sporting club, it can be anything from pro football to table tennis, and make a new group of friends there, don't volunteer your past problems, but if asked, don't lie, and start fresh, a brand new start.

 

  Steel

 

 
April 5, 2007, 9:07 pm CDT

Don't Blame Yourself !

Quote From: carla_d

This sounds just like my husband. My daughter (his step-daughter) was 11 when she was diagnosed with ODD. She was then diagnosed when she was 14 with bipolar disorder. We have both gone through the same things with her(throwing things, getting mad for no reason at the drop of a hat, etc). She is now 19 and living with her boyfriend and has a good job. So now that she is no longer at home, I am dealing with him. He blames me for all the things that have happened over the years. He tells me if I had been a better parent that things would have not gotten so out of hand. I am at my breaking point. I am so tired of trying to justify myself to him. A couple of years ago I got very depressed to the point that I wanted to just drive off a bridge. Instead of doing that, I decided to go to a mental health facility here in Dallas for some help. I called my husband at work to tell him what I was doing and asked him to call my parents. Well after he called them, they called my sister, whom I had been confiding in. She in turn called my husband on his cell phone and pretty much told him off and gave him a cusssing out and blamed him for my depression. I know she should have not done this, but I know she was upset  and vented to him. This was almost 3 years ago. Now he thinks she should appologize to him for what happened that day. I have told her how upset he is over this and she tells me she was upset too. He is constantly on me to "fix things" between them. I think he needs to get over it and move on, but won't. It has gotten to the point that he no longer shows any kind of affection towards me whatsoever. I feel so beaten down emotionaly.

Dear Carla d,

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. Your husband's attitude really frustrates me to tell you the truth. Now please don't believe what he's telling you, it wasn't your fault what happened over the years with your daughter. Your daughter was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when she was 14, thank God it was picked up. You did the right thing by taking her to see a doctor and i assume she is now on medication for her illness. I would say that's why she is holding on to a good job and has a boyfriend and lives with him away from home. Her early behaviour in your home would have caused chaos, but that's not the reason why your husband should be blaming you, it wasn't your fault. These things happen. I have lots of friends who have Bipolar disorder, and I by the way suffer from depression. Sometimes it has been severe depression and have spent last year in a Psych hospital for 3 weeks, and had 7 sessions of shock therapy which helped me tremendously, so I understand how you feel about being severely depressed. With me, i am lucky that i have a very caring and loving husband. Your husband should not be blaming you at all for what had happened in the past .  He sounds childish and immature, have you approached him in regards to having counseling, because he seems to need it, and it would be a good idea for both of you to go together if he was willing.  Did your daughter's doctor explain to him and you about the illness? I am sure he would have. Your daughter would have had periods of manic states and then severe depression, this is a mental illness which is now under control. So it had nothing to do with you doing anything wrong. How did your daughter and your husband get on, as she was his step-daughter and not his biological daughter. Maybe there are issues there, I don't know.  I also believe this thing with your sister has to be resolved, you all need to get together and have it all out, with a mediator present. Your relationship won't get better until you both seek psychological counseling together, please do it for your marriage sake, and you will never heal from your depression until this is resolved. I sense too that your sister doesn't like your husband i guess because of the blame he keeps heaping on you. There are many issues to get resolved before you find the peace your yearning for. I have a brother-in-law who is like your husband and blames my sister for every wrong thing that happens, and it's very frustrating for me as her sister, but i don't say anything because when we are gone she gets it from him, now that he's older only a tongue lashing, when they were younger, he used to hit her bad, but she never told me, i always found out from my other sister.  Please do not take in to your mind the blame he's trying to punish you with, he has a big problem himself. Please get counseling or psychological therapy, which ever you can.  God Bless you.  Love Lory     

 
April 5, 2007, 11:01 pm CDT

CRUELTY - MANIPULATIONS - RAGE - REVENGE

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. 

 

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly women.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

 

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR The Angry Heart:  Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

 

Understanding the Borderline (Parent) Mother:  Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson  

 

Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Know Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical and sexual abuse have signposts to mark their presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Just as physical and sexual abuse come in degrees of severity, emotional abuse runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
April 5, 2007, 11:15 pm CDT

I hope my Daughter in law watchs Fridays show

I am So frustrated with her and her out bursts, it is unreal. The person she hurts Physically in these rages is our son. Emotionally the children, ages 7,6, and 29 months.

Background her mother was and is an alcoholic, she beat just about every man she lived with, including daughter in laws dad. She would go out to bars at night leaving the kids (4) at home, with an older sister. The older sister is a crack user, just got out of jail few months ago. She has 4 children too. She got her kids back got a job was clean and one month later is on the streets using again.  They have only seen her a few times on the streets. There are warrants out for her. Her brother just got out of prison for assault, was arrest three days ago for assault on his uncle, also with kidnapping his child's mother to get her out of a bad situation. Every member of that family has either been in jail, going to jail, alcoholic's or drug users. The younger sister is like my daughter in law, angry at everyone for unknown reasons.  Our Granddaughter is afraid of her. When she was little this woman would call her a little pussy for crying.  Our grandchildren are the only ones who are not bi-racial and have 2 parents.

 

Our son and his wife have used drugs, and we sent them for counseling, through church and one on one professional counseling. It went well until it was time to go as a couple then she decided they didn't need it and quit. Over and over she did this.  She has been to inpatient treatment.   He has been in jail for domestic violence, that she started and he didn't want the kids to see their mom in jail so he always took the blame. Bleeding and hurt he went 2 or 3 times in her place. How do i know she did this. She would call me at all hours to tell me I did it again, I called the Police I hope your happy.  I asked what he had done, was usually the same, HE WON'T Leave me the F* alone.  I asked what did you do? I hit him or scratched him, threw something at him.  He retaliated 2 times in 8 yrs. Gave her a black eye when she pick up a small end table he built and threw it at his head, busting his head open behind his ear, my husband saw this.  She took a belt to his back once hitting him with the buckle, he grabbed it and swung back, hit her calf.  Three days later some of her family showed up threatening to kill him for hitting her with a belt. He called the police after the threat, and he went to jail cause she had a bruise on her leg.  He didn't show them his back.

 

She has busted 2 huge fish tanks,one was hit with a pipe of some kind the other a mug was thrown through it, flooding the living room and ruining furniture and clothing. (nasty house keeper) Kicked holes in wall's, busted dishes, or anything my son has had or liked. Bust a fireman's prayer plaque, wooden fire truck, because she could.  He was a volunteer firefighter in the other state.  

I have told her so many times she needs help. She goes to the Doctor ( com care ) and she tells them she is depressed.  I have mentioned Bi-Polar and her family says only crazy people are bi-polar.   She has never once told a Dr about her rage and violence. When they moved OUT the first time at our insistence, I told her living in an apartment if the neighbors hear you screaming and throwing things you will be evicted or have the police called. Yup it happened about a month later. She scratched the side of his face then ran off. Neighbors called and they took pictures of his face and put a warrant out for her. She turned her self in, I was in TX visiting at the time. None of her family had money to bail her out, so yea Dang it we did.  Went to court but son never came so it was drop and she was sent to anger management. He has been there too. When he went to jail for her.

 

Our son is not an angel by any means, he has had his bad times to. Drugs, dumb kid stuff growing up.  Was on probation as a young teen for vandalism.  But he never saw anger in our home, nor fighting, we didn't drink and run around.  They were what people called Pew babies, raised in church and cut their teeth on the pews.   

 

He was molested when we moved to another state for job transfer, by his best friends future brother in law. Got him  drunk at 15 and took advantage of him. He never told us until years later. But he shared this with  his wife. Guess what she calls him when she gets in a rage? F* Fagot.

 

I have told her I would help and talk to them both anytime they needed help. I have gone over at 2 in the morning to talk to her, calm her down. I have bent over backwards to get her to see the things she is doing.

It has gotten to the point at times I am a F* bitch if I answer the phone, or come running or take her side.  Most of the time she calls she is screaming and crying blubbering so loud I can't understand what she is saying so i say OK let me talk to him. He is usually very calm and tells me what happened.  They had a really big argument one day I was not at home. When I did get home I have 5 messages from her first one said she needed to talk to me. Second said OK I guess you think you can ignore me. Third one, I really need to talk pick up the F*n phone. OK Bitch go ahead be mean to me.  Fourth one was something along the lines of I'm calling the cops,

Fifth one I kicked the fag out of the house enjoy your time with your son and by the way you won't be seeing the gr kids .. your F*n bitch.  I had our Pastor listen to them.

 

This is a monthly occurrence! Like other posters have said it can be a look, word or gesture and she is off on a tangent. Our son has scars on his face, hands, arms, back from her violence towards him.  

 

He has left before  for 6 to 8 months was getting a divorce. He stayed several different places, he had to cause she would find out where he was call and threaten to do this or that, call the people names etc..  She taunts him, then begs him to come back. He adores his children and sees what her out bursts are doing to them daily.  Our grand daughter was doing so well in school, she is second grader. Our oldest gr son is quiet and will not look you in the eye, he will not read out loud in school or look at the teacher. Our son has talked to both of their teachers and found out the days she blows up at home are the days the kids bring home bad work sheets or get in trouble at school.   Littlest guy is just a sweetheart and doesn't understand.  Son had his arm busted in two places on the job couple of years ago. He does siding and Carpentry. Was at the elbow, he was hit with a 6 ft. metal level, by the boss's son when our son told him he was doing crack on the job.   Two weeks ago daughter in law threw a plate and hit him on the same elbow and busted it open. Has more tingling in the arm again.  He told her IF you TOUCH me one more time I am going to lay you out. We gave him a digital cam for Christmas, it is locked in a safe, with pictures of his arm and leg she decided to punch last week, because they had just moved into another house and was doing some painting and fix ups. A friend called wanted her to take her to see her husband in prison. He told the friend he was sorry but they just had to much to do that day. Which she agreed was right. but got mad few minutes later, slapped him then Punched him on the soft side of his knee. 

 

Why doesn't he leave? the kids and no where to go. We told him they can never come back here again. They lived here with us 3 yrs. NO MORE.   

I can't have the turmoil in our home anymore.  AND that Worst part is All of us just Tiptoe around her. Cause she acts like nothing is wrong and everything is just peachy after a couple of days.   Our eldest son would like to put her away.  I have never hit anyone in anger ever. Paddled our kids when they needed it. Never in anger. But with her I want to slap the crap out of her every time I see a new scar or scratch on him or hear her calling me a F*N bitch for not helping like I promised. When she gets mad at him she takes alot of her verbal anger out on me.  Or see my gr children run and hide when she goes ape.  This woman is 28 yrs old, our son is 30.  My biggest fear is one of two things will happen.

She will hurt him so bad he could die or He will hurt her and go to prison for ever.   It's a different tale almost daily.   I am 56 yrs old my hubby wants to retire in a few years, or we would take our gr kids away and never have them see the rage they live with daily.

 

Miracles happen and I believe in the power of Prayer. Right now my prayer is for strength to endure until change comes.  Another holiday is coming and I knoww it will be ruined in one form or another.

 

Please forgive my rambling on and on. It has helped very much to put this in here. I have journals of just about everything.

 

God be with each one, and Bless you for your patience with my novel.  

Nanakib

 
April 6, 2007, 4:01 am CDT

Disorder for a tiny few, I bet.

I hope this is a REAL problem and not just another excuse for problem behavior. When ADD first came to light, everyone and their mother was being diagnosed with it, even though the proper tests weren't being conducted (ie brain scan). Many of my poor-raised students were listed as ADD when in fact but a small few had had adequate testing.

 

I have to wonder if this "Intermittent" condition will also be used as an excuse for many people who are simply out of control...filled with anger and rage and unwilling to control it due to the payoff they get. Yes, it probably is a REAL condition, but I bet there will be too many people claiming they (or a loved one) have it without actually having a proper diagnosis.

 

I hope Dr. Phil has an expert on who gives the percentage for people who have this disorder...I would venture to guess it is quite rare. We're a society that loves to blame others for our own problems and weaknesses. It's much easier to say we can't help ourselves than it is for us to stand up and take responsiblity for our bad actions.

 

I am anxious to watch this show; hopefully it will be very informative.

 
April 6, 2007, 5:46 am CDT

Questions for the doctor

well i'm glad to see that i'm not the only one that goes through this everyday..my husband does this out of NOWHERE he is mad..and sometimes breaks things...and we have kids..i just don't understand he is will to go to the doctors i'm just not sure what are the right questions to ask.. can anyone help me out some questions to ask the doc.
 
April 6, 2007, 7:22 am CDT

My Case

Quote From: flthomcat

I hope this is a REAL problem and not just another excuse for problem behavior. When ADD first came to light, everyone and their mother was being diagnosed with it, even though the proper tests weren't being conducted (ie brain scan). Many of my poor-raised students were listed as ADD when in fact but a small few had had adequate testing.

 

I have to wonder if this "Intermittent" condition will also be used as an excuse for many people who are simply out of control...filled with anger and rage and unwilling to control it due to the payoff they get. Yes, it probably is a REAL condition, but I bet there will be too many people claiming they (or a loved one) have it without actually having a proper diagnosis.

 

I hope Dr. Phil has an expert on who gives the percentage for people who have this disorder...I would venture to guess it is quite rare. We're a society that loves to blame others for our own problems and weaknesses. It's much easier to say we can't help ourselves than it is for us to stand up and take responsiblity for our bad actions.

 

I am anxious to watch this show; hopefully it will be very informative.

I too, have not yet seen the show, but I did read the summary.  You express a very real concern about our trend to not taking responsibility.  I believe I have a variation of this myself.  I think I inherited it from my father.  He was a very quiet man who tended to bottle up his emotions.  I tend to be like that at times also.  In both of our cases, we almost never loose our tempers, but when we do it's time to look out.  I am not proud of that, but I have to admit it.  With me it happens about once every ten years.  When I lose my temper, I don't "black out" as one guest said.  I get a weird form of tunnel vision.  The person I am angry with becomes the only thing in the room I can see.  I mean that literally.  I have never gotten violent.  I will tell the person every thing they have even thought of doing wrong since the day I met them.  I use no profanity, nor do I raise my voice.  The person will get about 30 minutes of my non-stop verbal assault though.  Once I start, I can't stop until I reach the end of everything I can think of.  I remember once when my father did this at his job on the naval base in Jacksonville Florida.  Like me, he never raised his hand or his voice and used no profanity.  None the less, the base police were called because his intensity was so strong those around him thought he would get violent. 

 

Fortunately for me, my wife has given me ways to let my feelings out.  Thanks to her, this hasn't happened in a long time.  Unfortunately, not everyone finds their "safety valve".  I can't say if my story compares or not.  It is just similar enough that I felt I should talk about it.  Thanks.

 
April 6, 2007, 7:26 am CDT

I Believe In Hope for these People !

To Bob i want to say good for you that your reaching out to Dr.Phil and Dr.Lawlis and i pray that with their help you will unravel your inner self for your sake and for your wife Carrie and for those around you.

 

To Melinda i wish you the very best as you allow Dr.Phil and Dr. Lawlis to help you with your emotional and mental development for your sake and for your family's well-being. My prayers and hope are with you both.

 

Good luck and with your  committment  I know you both will make it as you both also have the support of your families, whom you love. 

 

Sincerely,

Lory(Australia) 

 
April 6, 2007, 8:18 am CDT

My sons explosive temper

My son is 19 years old. He has been in serious trouble in the past year with the law. He went to jail for a night because of getting in an accident with no insurance. His then girlfriend was playing serious, dangerous games with him. This all led up to an explosive temper, which has happened in the past. I am sick and tired of having our doors with fist holes in them, and walls with kicks in them. The last time there was an explosion, I called the police on him. I was scared that would do bodily harm to me. He has told me he does things and he doesn't remember doing them. When he was younger he was diagnosised as having ADHD. He was then on medication for this. He is no longer on it.

He does have a job right now, but he came home 2 days ago and told me he almost punched his boss. He has in the past thrown chairs and glasses at his employers. I have told him and his dad he has a problem. His dad just blows it off like what do you want me to do. That is the impression I get from him. I have been with my husband and step son for 14 years. I consider him my son. The whole upset has affected my son which is 18 right now. That is a whole new story. Our family is totally disfunctional. I want to help my son (step-son) and do not know what I can do. I feel I have gone up and beyond the responsibility as a mother can go. Will you help him?

 

 
April 6, 2007, 9:12 am CDT

04/06 Explosive Anger and Its Aftermath

Quote From: rachel3790

My husband is the same way. He will just be setting there doing whatever and just flipped is lid. I never feel physically in danger he has never hit me, never threatened to hit me but it's annoying. I mean just a few days ago we were headed out to lunch just me, him and my daughter. We were all talking nice about things i had seen we should do in the future as an outing. He was really happy. When he went into the bedroom and couldn't find a shirt he wanted to wear. he had either worn them to work and dirtyed them beyond repair or they were wrinkly. He yanked the drawer out and threw it on the floor, got the iron and started ironing and than yanked the cord out the wall and broke the iron. Walked around the house yelling and crusing. Than After a few min. yanked up a shirt and just said 'Ok lets go' and it was over as quick as it started....

But at that point he had scared our daughter and had me kind of shaken up. But all he has to say about it was he was mad about not having a shirt. But what these kind of people don't realize is Normal people don't just get over it like that... We can't just go on our day with out thinking about that epasode. Why couldn't he just say 'Oh i can't find a shirt i want to wear why don't i iron one..' No he's go to show his A** all over the house.

I have been married for almost 13 years to a man like this. For the last 18 months he has lived in another state for part of the time and has semi-supported the children and I. Until the time he left, I was a stay at home mom and when he left, I didn't have any job skills since I was the secretary for his business. When he left, it wasn't supposed to be long term and in the end, it somehow ended up being partly my fault he left (?). Anyway, we have two children, now ages still under 10. When I attempt to confront him on his anger or other issues, he turns it around on me and says it is my fault and I am the one with the problems. My daughter admits she is afraid of him when he is angry, but doesn't want me to leave because she loves him. I understand the feeling because I grew up like this. My hands are shaking as I write this because if he were to walk in right now, (he is home visiting), it would cause an arugument. If I leave off in the middle of the sentence, that is why. He left this morning because he was angry about his truck and he left in a huff. My daughter and I saw this on Dr. Phil while surfing the net and she pointed it out. I think I better stop. If I don't cover my tracks, it could be bad.
 
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