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Topic : 08/27 Bully Dads

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, April 27, 2007, 02:00:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/02/07) They threaten, scream, intimidate and even bite. They’re not tantrum-throwing kids … they’re bullying dads! Shannon has only been married for three months but says she’s ready for a divorce. She says her husband, Kevin, calls her kids “fat,” “lazy” and “losers,” and has physically assaulted her son. She even called the police on him three weeks before their recent wedding. Kevin says he feels like he’s being pushed to his breaking point and intimidates his stepchildren because he is not allowed to punish them. To find out what was going on, Dr. Phil set up cameras in the couple’s home. You won’t believe what they reveal! Can Shannon and Kevin save this marriage, or was it doomed from the start? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 30, 2007, 7:37 am CDT

DOOMED

I am scared for the kids. I believe this marriage was doomed from the start.   I hope this man can get help, but for the time being she needs to go, take her kids somewhere safe. These kids are going to grow up and may think all this is ok and if she continues to stay with him with this behavior then some of the children may end up just like him.
 
April 30, 2007, 8:03 am CDT

Been there

Been in those shoes - I say if one has children from a former marriage, they should not get re married as the men always have a jealous row in that situation as those children are not his kids and some men act like children and do not want to share his love.  That goes for women too who walk into a package deal.

Not good, I had walked out over 20 years ago and it still haunts me to this day and my Son is still feeling the pain of those measly four years I tried to mend the marriage.

Not good and nothing will change,  many sorry's said, but next day, next month it will be the same as before.  If the Children are hurting it is time for The Mother or Father to stand up for their own flesh and blood, so there are no life times of guilt on anyone's shoulder.  I lived it

been there and still suffering. 

 
April 30, 2007, 8:37 am CDT

bully dads

Quote From: angel_1963

I know about this topic very well, because I lived it for 2 years with my son and his step-father,  2 weeks after I was married to a man I really truely love, he started hitting my son cussing him, twisting his arms, screaming him throwing things at him and calling him a loser, fat and ba*****d kid.  I had to refree for 2 years.  But if you do not put a stop to it early in you marriage it will never stop it will only get worse to the point that he might even start hitting you like my husband did.  I had escape when my husband took my child to Utah and he was going to break my child neck.  I finally escape by calling the police and having him arrested and then I left back for Texas.  So I would stop it fast and soon.   I finally woke up and I hope she wakes up before it is to late.  You can alway get another man, but you can not replace your children. But this are you flesh and blood and I have learn that I would not let a man hurt my child no more.  Because  it also emotionally hurts them too.  I wish I had left sooner, but I was scared of this man because he was volient toward me as well but I had to fight for my child as well.   It end in 2006 after he cracked my rib, and I am so glad to be away from this mess.  My son is so much happier......Teresa
Teresa, I am proud of you for removing your son out of this situation.  I have always felt that our kids are our best investment.  If we invest a little time and encouragement, we will get paid back 100x over with a loving adult that God would be proud of!!!  Thanks for saving your son and yourself!!!!
 
April 30, 2007, 8:51 am CDT

Intimidating my Child is an Invitation to Leave

If anyone intimidates, let alone hits your child, this is an invitation for them to leave. Period. Some people may go get lengthy treatment for their problem, but unless and until they do so and consistently make no excuses for an extended period of time, then they are to be kept out and kept away. Tell Abusers Bye-Bye
 
April 30, 2007, 9:57 am CDT

Step-parenting

Out of all the stepparents i know there is one who stands out amongst them all...her name is Diane...she got married to a man who already had a daughter...many times when he wanted her to intervene and help in the disciplining of his daughter...Diane's reply was always the same, " I'm not here to be her mother or to take the place of her mother, I'm here to be her friend, if you should have a problem with her, you take that up with her, not me".

She and her stepdaughter have maintained a wonderful relationship and her stepdaughter adores her stepmother.

 
April 30, 2007, 10:04 am CDT

05/02 Bully Dads

DR PHIL, I HAVE LEARNED THAT MOST OF THESE SOOOO CALLED BULLY DADS JUST HAVEN'T MET THEIR MATCH, AND WHEN THEY DO ITS USUALLY THE ONE THEY LEAST EXPECTED!!!
 
April 30, 2007, 10:06 am CDT

Momarkable, I couldn't agree with you more

Quote From: momakababe

I know I shouldn't judge others but boy when I hear someone make a statement like yours & the others here I really have such a hard time.  you say you had to "referee for 2 years"?  No you didn't you could have the very first time this man hit, cussed or did *anything* to your kid.  It would have been very simple "I'll not tolerate abusive behavior in my home.  If you can't keep from speaking that way or from physically harming my kid then get out."  You say if they don't stop it early in their marriage it will only get worse to the point that he might even start hitting you?  I'm sorry but as horrible as it would be to have a guy kick the crap out of me it would be way worse to watch him do that to my kid.  He would have been beating me the first time it happened because there's no way I could have watched without interviening.  It would have been the last breath of my body before I'd have stood by & watched someone hurting my kid & Ijust don't understand how any mother could.  
Everything you said, i totally agree with...i actually couldn't believe what i was reading from some of these people and of course we don't want to judge...but since when have our children taken second place?...I would always hear women who were abused by their husbands say that when he started with the children...that was the last straw and they were out of there or he was out...There was somebody here who mentioned parenting classes, i couldn't agree with this more. I can't wait to see this show of Dr. Phil's about this bullying dad on Wednesday, i'm marking it now on my calendar so i don't forget. Let's see what he has to say about this whole situation and maybe some of these people will learn something.
 
April 30, 2007, 10:22 am CDT

People who have children from a former marriage shouldn't remarry? Really!

Quote From: marlene67

Been in those shoes - I say if one has children from a former marriage, they should not get re married as the men always have a jealous row in that situation as those children are not his kids and some men act like children and do not want to share his love.  That goes for women too who walk into a package deal.

Not good, I had walked out over 20 years ago and it still haunts me to this day and my Son is still feeling the pain of those measly four years I tried to mend the marriage.

Not good and nothing will change,  many sorry's said, but next day, next month it will be the same as before.  If the Children are hurting it is time for The Mother or Father to stand up for their own flesh and blood, so there are no life times of guilt on anyone's shoulder.  I lived it

been there and still suffering. 

Hi, Marlene , this is David.

 

I caught your quote that, "if one has children from a former marriage, they should not get re married."  To that I say, "Surely, you jest!"

 

I think it's quite obvious that Shannon married Kevin because her kids' bio father walked out on them when he tired of that family, and she was eager to provide a fatherly-type man for her sons.  However, I think she went over the eagerness boundary, became as desperate as those Wisteria Lane housewives, and, like Jessica Simpson, married the FIRST MAN who was willing to put out (Kevin.)  I'm just wondering how long they dated before they married.

 

As for your earlier quote: I have to ask, was that you son's stepfather that you walked out on?  Is the biological faher in your son's life somehow?  If the answer to the latter question is "no," then I think you'd make a mistake by not re-marrying.  Who did your son have as a "fatherly-type figure?"  I always believe that it's very important for a child to develop a strong bond with a same-sex parent.  You say that, "the men always have a jealous row in that situation as those children are not his kids and some men act like children and do not want to share his love."  Maybe the latter can be true, but certainly not the former.  Oftentimes, if a woman tells a man that she has children from a former union, and down the line, he sees the woman suffering and sobbing due to painful memories suddenly flooding back, and she tells him stories of how her son's biological father used to beat him and intimidate him (like Kevin does,) then that man will strive and do whatever he has to to be a better father to that boy.  This is especially true if said new man has children (presumably a son or two) of his own and, in rare times, the man bonded with the girlfriend's son BEFORE meeting the mother he would eventually fall in love with.  I know I'm talking like a fantasy romance novel pitch, but believe me, there ARE men like that out there.  You just have to know where (and how) to find them.

 

I might not know how you feel about this, but I'm certain that if you had a daughter and not a son, you'd have an overwhelming desire to avoid re-marriage entirely, so you can concentrate on bonding with your same-sex child.  I know that if I were a single father to girls only, I'd have to at least think about re-marriage.  I could do a good job on my own, but I know I wouldn't hold a candle to a motherly-type female figure who would give them the love, wisdom and guidance the need to become women themselves.

 

I'm aware that this may not be what you want to hear, Marlene, but this is a very humble opinion that I have here for you, as lopsided as it may sound.  It's like I advised to Shannon earlier - you can do much better than a lout who doesn't care - always!

 
April 30, 2007, 2:07 pm CDT

Red Flags = Danger Ahead

As Oprah would say, there are always red flags to warn us danger is ahead.  It sounds to me like the police calls before the wedding were definitely red flags.  Too many of us don't have red flags until after we are married, but for a mother to ignore the red flags before she marries the bully is painfully said to me.

 

Take it from a mom who wishes she had taken her precious child and walked away sooner (to verbal and emotional abuse of her daughter by a step-father), your children are the most precious gift God has given to you.  If you don't want them to grow up just like him, then don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya!!

 

I'd rather sleep in the car and eat from garbage leftovers than to know now what more verbal and emotional abuse she went through than even what I knew about.  Don't risk it.  No man is worth risking your children or your own safety and peace of mind.

 
April 30, 2007, 3:39 pm CDT

its my brother

This subject hits very close to home for me. This is my brother! My brother has 4 children that live with him and one that lives with her biological mother. My brother yells at his kids constantly and wonders why they have no respect for him. He degrades them, calls them names and tells his teenage boys that if they are man enough to step outside. My brother has never that I am a ware of and my sister-n-law and I are very close, has he ever complimented his kids for their achievments or done any thing to make them feel like they are loved, he thinks that providing shelter and food for his children is all he has to do to earn their respect, which to a point is true, however your children will not repect you if you dont respect them. I love my brother, and we as a family have tried to tell him what he is doing is wrong but he doesnt see it. He thinks he has total control over his household like our father did but instead he is creating out of control kids who dont want to listen to him because to them what is the point when he doesnt listen to them. I am going to tape this episode this week and try to do my own intervention and make my brother watch it and hopefully he will see that this is him.  I know deep down that he loves his kids but I think he is unhappy and takes it out on them and it is not their fault.  I have a daughter who is Bi-polar and my brother shows all the same tendancies that she did before medication, but he will not believe me on that one either.  Just the clip I seen of this episode made me think instantly of my brother, I had no idea their were other men out their like him. Hopefully I/we can make him see the errors of his ways before its too late.
 
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