Quote From: davewriterHi, Marlene , this is David.
I caught your quote that, "if one has children from a former marriage, they should not get re married." To that I say, "Surely, you jest!"
I think it's quite obvious that Shannon married Kevin because her kids' bio father walked out on them when he tired of that family, and she was eager to provide a fatherly-type man for her sons. However, I think she went over the eagerness boundary, became as desperate as those Wisteria Lane housewives, and, like Jessica Simpson, married the FIRST MAN who was willing to put out (Kevin.) I'm just wondering how long they dated before they married.
As for your earlier quote: I have to ask, was that you son's stepfather that you walked out on? Is the biological faher in your son's life somehow? If the answer to the latter question is "no," then I think you'd make a mistake by not re-marrying. Who did your son have as a "fatherly-type figure?" I always believe that it's very important for a child to develop a strong bond with a same-sex parent. You say that, "the men always have a jealous row in that situation as those children are not his kids and some men act like children and do not want to share his love." Maybe the latter can be true, but certainly not the former. Oftentimes, if a woman tells a man that she has children from a former union, and down the line, he sees the woman suffering and sobbing due to painful memories suddenly flooding back, and she tells him stories of how her son's biological father used to beat him and intimidate him (like Kevin does,) then that man will strive and do whatever he has to to be a better father to that boy. This is especially true if said new man has children (presumably a son or two) of his own and, in rare times, the man bonded with the girlfriend's son BEFORE meeting the mother he would eventually fall in love with. I know I'm talking like a fantasy romance novel pitch, but believe me, there ARE men like that out there. You just have to know where (and how) to find them.
I might not know how you feel about this, but I'm certain that if you had a daughter and not a son, you'd have an overwhelming desire to avoid re-marriage entirely, so you can concentrate on bonding with your same-sex child. I know that if I were a single father to girls only, I'd have to at least think about re-marriage. I could do a good job on my own, but I know I wouldn't hold a candle to a motherly-type female figure who would give them the love, wisdom and guidance the need to become women themselves.
I'm aware that this may not be what you want to hear, Marlene, but this is a very humble opinion that I have here for you, as lopsided as it may sound. It's like I advised to Shannon earlier - you can do much better than a lout who doesn't care - always!
I agree with both of you to an extent, I think if you choose to remarry, then the onus is on the BIOLOGICAL PARENT to set down the groundrules BEFOREmarriage, premaritial counselling and parenting classes are a way the couple can bond with each other and develope strategies for dealing with the inevitable problems that arise, girls also benefit from having a male role model as well.
BUT, if you choose to avoid marriage, then I think its wise (especially for boys ) to get them involved with Boy Scouts, sports teams, Big Brothers etc. to provide them with the positive Male role model they need. Try as we Might, we Moms just DON'T understand what it is to be a teen boy, or a pre teen boy or any boy, girls too can benefit from positive male role models as well such as coaches, grandfathers and uncles, just as long as any role model you allow is POSITIVE.
Sometimes I think people rush into marriage without thinking about WHO its going to affect either short term or long term, and when you have kids, the stakes are way too high to rush into things without THOUGHT and long term planning,you mentioned daughters, and that you could be a nuturing caring father is a WONDERFUL thing, Grandmothers, aunts, Big Sisters could help in the girl department so that a man also dosen't feel the need to rush into marriage with someon who could harm or traumitize their children.
(Original Air Date: 05/02/07) They threaten, scream, intimidate and even bite. They’re not tantrum-throwing kids … they’re bullying dads! Shannon has only been married for three months but says she’s ready for a divorce. She says her husband, Kevin, calls her kids “fat,” “lazy” and “losers,” and has physically assaulted her son. She even called the police on him three weeks before their recent wedding. Kevin says he feels like he’s being pushed to his breaking point and intimidates his stepchildren because he is not allowed to punish them. To find out what was going on, Dr. Phil set up cameras in the couple’s home. You won’t believe what they reveal! Can Shannon and Kevin save this marriage, or was it doomed from the start? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
