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Topic : 08/21 Anatomy of Abuse

Number of Replies: 618
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Created on : Friday, May 11, 2007, 02:29:26 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/16/07) What would you do if your spouse belittled you and threatened your life? For women who have ever endured verbal, physical or emotional abuse in a relationship, Dr. Phil helps break the silence. Amy says her husband, Lee, is volatile and dangerous. She says he has choked and kicked her, and even held a knife to her throat! Lee’s mother, Sandy, says Amy and Lee argue constantly, but they’ve never been physical. How does she react when Dr. Phil plays a tape of Lee confessing his abusive ways? Then, Amy’s parents, Cynthia and Stan, fear for their daughter’s life and don’t think she’s providing a safe environment for her kids. Amy says she loves her husband and wants her folks to butt out. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Lee joins the show via satellite because he’s on probation for a domestic violence charge, and cannot leave the state. He admits to having anger issues but says he’s working to control them. Can Lee change his violent ways? Is it possible to rebound from being with an abuser? Tell us what you think.

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May 13, 2007, 11:55 pm CDT

Abuse Affects Friends

Just recently I experienced a taste of what an emotional abuser can be like. 

 

My husband and I were friends with a couple and we have went out together socially for the past 3 years, ever since our boys (age 8) became friends. Our families seem to get along well together.  My husband and I both thought the other dad was a bit "high strung" whenever he'd talk about life, or work or anything happening in the world, but we just figured that's the way he was.  Last week, our boys had a conflict that should have been very simple to handle with them talking it out.  The other mom and I had talked and agreed to get the boys together to work it out.  But before we could do that, the problem came up at school.

 

It eventually led to the school having to bring them both into the vice-principal's for a talk.  Well the boys worked out the difference and  came out of it the "best of friends" again.  End of story right??  Nope....I got a call from the dad during this time, threatening me that I was never to talk to their son again....(I work part-time at the school the boys attend) as well we were to keep our son away from theirs.  I just hung up on him as it wasn't so much the words, but rather the threatening tone of his voice.  Even after the school had reassured us and them that the boys had resolved their issues, he told the school the same thing....that he didn't want me anywhere near their son and the school was to keep our son away from theirs. 

 

Want to know what my son did that started all this in the first place???  He has this trick he does by rolling his eyes in the back of his head and acts "freaky"....well this boy got "literally freaked out."  but never bothered to say anything to my son, his friend.  So it started the snowball process in this boy's life.   He's always been somewhat of a nervous kid but I never realized how nervous he was. 

 

I have been struggling with what I can do, but all I can come with is nothing.  My friend has never really confided in me about what goes on other than her husband finds it difficult to deal with their son  so she tries to keep their time together limited.  That her husband gets upset easily about things.  But that's about it.  I did send my friend a note saying I would respect their wish of no contact but that I will miss her friendship as well as to tell her that as a mother I would never say or do anything to hurt her son.   I am hoping this will let her know that I'm still here if she needs me. 

 

It makes their son's reaction easier to understand, but it makes me sad.  Plus I've lost the a female friend as I know she will never reach out to me again.  She's always been very reserved and had this "wall up" which I always respected.  But nevertheless we still enjoyed our times together. 

 

It makes me sick to think of what might be going on in that home.  I don't think the man is physcial abusive but who knows.  All I know is that they have a son that has EXTREME anxiety issues and I never knew how bad until this. I am just a friend in this situation and it's difficult.  I can't imagine having a family member living under abuse and not knowing what to do to help.  I'm so gald their are shows and discussion boards where people can come to for  advice as well as read from other people in the same situation thanks to the interent.  It gives me hope that maybe it will save lives  or at least cause people to get help early on during the first signs of abuse.  It is especially important for the next generation to try and stop this cycle of abuse.

 
May 14, 2007, 1:45 am CDT

People always say if it's that bad, why didn't you leave sooner?

I've lived the experience of being abused as well. I never told anybody except my best friend what was happening in my life, so when I did leave, people would question why, if it was so bad, did I stay so long? People who have never been in a controlling & abusive relationship don't realize how much power your abuser has over you. They put you down until you have no self confidence and no self worth and they cut you off from as many other people as they possibly can. Plus, because he had such a bad temper, I was terrified to leave for fear of him hurting or killing me or my sons. When his abuse start ed escalating to not only mental and emotional abuse toward myself and my boys, but also became very physically abusive with my sons, I left. He went to work early one morning, and I had a moving truck arranged, we packed whatever we could, and left. Then, he found me and begged me to come back. I refused. I'd done that once before and wasn't falling for it again. He kept harassing me, so I got a restraining order against him. Even his best friend was worried that he'd harm me or my sons as he was a very experienced hunter. He finally left us alone when he found another girlfriend ( I feel sorry for her). The damage he did to us has been lasting though, especially to my sons. It's been 3 years since we left that life of hell. I can't even think of starting another relationship. My sons are still in counselling, but have alot of anger toward me for not getting us out of there sooner.

If you are being abused, let people know, don't keep it a secret like I did. Get help and get out as soon as you possibly can!

I don't believe all men are abusive, however, but as long as my sons are living with me, I will not get into another relationship. I concentrate my efforts on helping my sons heal, and not dwelling on negativity, because that wouldn't be productive. If you hold onto all that negativity, you can't heal, you can't get on with your life. Do what you have to let it go and start living again.

Sincerely,
Nena S
Canada
 
May 14, 2007, 3:57 am CDT

Have been living the abuse

I can say from my own experience that he will not stop and he will not be changed.....  I have livid into such conditions my father used to abuse us verbal and physical ... the abuse was range form calling us bad names to be beaten by the plastic and rubber water pipes and throwing knifes and sharp objects chock us crashing the head with the wall ......... he did all that and more to my mother my brothers me and my sister....

 

I think as I lived into such environment that he never ever can be changed.... may be he can be forced by law to go into therapy sessions and he will be forced to admit his violence but I know that  inside his deep heart he will not regret it ....

 

My advice to this woman and this mother and to very one regardless of the gender and age never keep going into abusive relationship....

 

my mother kept  her marriage because she thought she is protecting us from divorce and because she was scared to lose her kids as laws in my country is different than the laws in USA but she didn't realize that living into such environment hurt us much more than divorce I'm 29 years old  now and I still have my fears about men and marriage and being with a husband ... I found my man and I love him ... my wedding is so soon but inside me I am scared to death from going into this relation and marriage because my wounds still bleeding inside ...

 

I don't know how to fix the situation but recently I started to talk about it to tell others my experience may be they can have a clue or idea about how they can prevent that happening to other women and kids and in some cases men

 

 
May 14, 2007, 4:03 am CDT

Have been living the abuse

I can say from my own experience that he will not stop and he will not be changed.....  I have livid into such conditions my father used to abuse us verbal and physical ... the abuse was range form calling us bad names to be beaten by the plastic and rubber water pipes and throwing knifes and sharp objects chock us crashing the head with the wall ......... he did all that and more to my mother my brothers me and my sister....

 

I think as I lived into such environment that he never ever can be changed.... may be he can be forced by law to go into therapy sessions and he will be forced to admit his violence but I know that  inside his deep heart he will not regret it ....

 

My advice to this woman and this mother and to very one regardless of the gender and age never keep going into abusive relationship....

 

my mother kept  her marriage because she thought she is protecting us from divorce and because she was scared to lose her kids as laws in my country is different than the laws in USA but she didn't realize that living into such environment hurt us much more than divorce I'm 29 years old  now and I still have my fears about men and marriage and being with a husband ... I found my man and I love him ... my wedding is so soon but inside me I am scared to death from going into this relation and marriage because my wounds still bleeding inside ...

 

I don't know how to fix the situation but recently I started to talk about it to tell others my experience may be they can have a clue or idea about how they can prevent that happening to other women and kids and in some cases men

 

 

 
May 14, 2007, 5:21 am CDT

Abuse

Quote From: sorrows

Sometimes you can't- laws , no money etc,

Sometimes it is Betrayal/Trauma/Stockholm Bond (syndrome

Sometimes it's all you know- so you do what you know -

Sometimes you lose custody if you leave -

 

Only a few are prepared to lose everything -just in the hopes of staying alive-and thus showing by actions that horrendous abuse is - unacceptable.

 

  I am one who has survived physical and mental abuse.  I was married to this man for 13 years.  It started off as puppy love and swiftly moved to abusive after the wedding..  I went through 13 years of living hell.  Not sometimes but everyday of my life with him.  I was either beaten, slapped, cursed, or starved on a daily basis.   Our children saw way to much.    One night I made up my mind to get out.  It was not the best way to get out, but it worked.   I got out.  I had no contact with anyone including my children for around 6 months. It was scarry.  I was lonely,  I was broke.  But by god, I got a job.  I now had money.    You can get out.  You have to take a chance.  And let me tell you.  MCDonalds and taco bell are always hiring. 

 

You have to make the decision and you have to believe in your heart.  That you can walk out with nothing and win.  I am 17 years removed from that marriage.  Yes, it haunts me still.  But I will not let anything bring me down.  I have been to the depths of hell and have risen out of it.

 
May 14, 2007, 5:47 am CDT

what's the real issue

I recently made a quick trip to another state to intervene between my son and daughter-in-law.  My son had become physical to the point of pushing his wife around.  I stayed for a week and the 2nd night there I was "privileged" to witness an argument between them.  It was at 12.30 at night and neither of them had eaten dinner that night.  No alcohol was involved.  It appeared to me that they both need to eat a little something and then go to bed.  They actually tried my suggestion while I  was there and since of making sure they ate dinner, not just a snack, each evening and have been getting to bed earlier.  They still disagree with each other but it seems more manageable now. 

 

It seems silly that the solution could have been that simple but it is a start.  The other suggestion I made was that they not interrupt each other so that each can be heard out.  Also if they get really angry, take a walk and the person who stays needs to let them take a walk.  I'm not a marriage counselor.  As a matter of fact, I have been a single parent since my children were small babies but I can see what's at the end of their nose.

 
May 14, 2007, 5:59 am CDT

Abuse

Quote From: sorrows

Thank goodness the "issue" of abuse is being addressed. It is pandemic and largely hidden. Maybe some future shows will address the statistically high "lien" between wife batterers and child sexual abusers. (They grow their own victims- feel even MORE entitled to do what they want with their possessions.) Or- maybe- it is enough to stay with the abused wife for now. Unreal, the reactions to someone trying to save children - - -

I never actually looked at it as such. However you have hit the nail on thead (They grow their own victims.)  This would be a real eye opening series.  However, I don't feel a 1 hour show could even begin to scratch the surface. It would take months to even touch the surface.

I can see where an abuser with a family attached would feel the power to own his/her family.

And yes, in my case,  It did turn from abuse to child molestation of his own children and grandchildren.  I am happy to say he is spending 50 years in prison.  He won't hurt anyone again. 

Thank you for the wake up.

 
May 14, 2007, 6:32 am CDT

Abuse Semantics

I was married for almost five years, relationship for 8 1/2.  Sometimes we argued, rather nastily on occaison, and I have grabbed and thrown her when I didn't know how to respond to her charges.  It is one of the several reasons our marriage is ending, and for too long I excused it as her backing me into a corner, not listening to me say "stop it", or whatever except that it is my fault.

 

I see now that it is abuse.  I used to say "I touched her but didn't hit her" or "she didn't recognize my triggers" but I am the one responsible 100%.  I did not address it at the time and now it has contributed to costing me my marriage to a woman I deeply and soulfully love, and I am incredibly saddened.

 

When there is aggression or anger, there can be the risk for physical response; it is on your shoulders to prevent this, not your partner's. If this is you then get help and make sure it never happens.  Promises will not cut it and you can not change and grow unless you bring something new into your life.

 
May 14, 2007, 6:37 am CDT

Will it get physical?

You can count on it!  It might be today or next year, but it will happen.  People who abuse....physically, emotionally, mentally.....are doing so to feel better within their on sack of skin.  Get out while you can and be thankful you have peace in your life!
 
May 14, 2007, 6:53 am CDT

can someone tell me........................

Can someone tell me what makes a person "abuse" someone they love?? If they did not grow up in an abusive home and it was not what they learned why do they abuse?? My son's father grew up with 2 parents and I know his parents were not abusive. The only thing i have noticed is that his mother put his older sister first. Even to this day his sister and her girls come first and my son and his dad get the push off. Like at Christmas, the one grandaughter had to spend Christmas eve with her dad so grandma changed the "normal" Christmas eve supper to Christmas eve lunch, just for her. {never mind her son and grandson had plans already for lunch} My son's grandpa don't step up to grandma, {why i don't know} yes she *itches a lot and claims she will divorce and take the family farm but that is as far as it goes . Does he get abusive because he is frustrated or because he feels he has control then?? I don't understand because I grew up with a VERY abusive father/drunk father and I refuse to drink because I am afraid i would act like him and i can't see hitting someone i love. {i'm not saying i have not thought of cracking my kids butts b-4} Please tell me...........................................

 
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