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Topic : 08/28 "Who Am I?"

Number of Replies: 403
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, May 18, 2007, 12:42:57 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/24/07) What if everything you thought you knew about yourself was a lie? Today’s guests are real-life unsolved mysteries. First, Savannah, 27, has never known her biological mother and has always felt incomplete. She says her mother, Peggy, vanished when she and her sister were very young, and she’s always wondered why her mom never tried to find them. Dr. Phil reunites Savannah with her mystery mother for the first time in over 20 years. Dr. Phil attempts to get to the bottom of why Peggy left her children and moved on to form another family, but Peggy says it wasn’t all her fault. Can this mother and daughter forgive, forget and start over? Next, George, 38, recently found out his family’s secret: the man he knew as his father is not his biological father. His mother was the only one with the answer to who his father was, but she died two years ago and took the truth to her grave. Now George is left wondering if there is a man out there who doesn’t even know he has a son and grandchildren. Then, when her mother passed away eight years ago, Rena, 18, learned that her birth certificate was fake, her social security number belonged to someone else, and she didn’t exist anywhere on paper. Without an identity, Rena says her life is on hold. She can’t get financial aid for college, she can’t get a driver’s license, and she can’t travel out of the country. Share your thoughts about the show here.

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May 22, 2007, 12:25 am CDT

I know the feeling

Quote From: cur2cute

It's strange how people don't understand your feelings if you were adopted.  I never found out that I was adopted until I was 45 years old.  The family kept it a secret all those years.  Unfortantly both of my adoptive parents passed away, so I never was able to ask them about the adoption.  Their birth daughter (my sister) told me forget it.  You are who you are.   I petioned the court and was granted only some information.  My birth mother is alive and doing well, however, she doesn't want to have any contact with me.  But, she thinks about me everyday....OH PLEASE!!!!!!!!  I think it is wonderful if birth mothers who gave their child up for adoption would like the child toknow what happened.  That would put our minds at ease.  People do not understand what it is like to look in the mirror and wonder, Who am I.......who is my mother......what is she like........what are my brother and sisters like.......Who are they???  There are always so many unanswered questions.  I wish that the state (PA)that I live in would pass a law that if you were adopted that the records would be open.  It is so unfair to us adopties not to know about our biologial mother and father.

 

Mary

I know the feeling about being adopted... I met my real family and found the real truth about them..  I was born out of incest.. My mother was molested by her father and thats how i was conceived... Its so hard to have any type of relationship with my real mother due to her hating
me, she sees me and thinks only about the abuse.. I cant have any contact with her (which is her
decision) I feel different about myself and have lost my partner due to this... Incest is a real kept secret... My adoptive parents are very suportive but we dont talk about the incest... I am grateful i was adoptive, as my life would of been very different... But my feelings are mixed..............................
 
May 22, 2007, 12:25 am CDT

"Who Am I?"

Quote From: anon_slc

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. 

 

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly females.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

 

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Understanding the Borderline (Parent) Mother:  Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson  

 

Surviving a Borderline Parent:  How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

 

Some of the story is typical:  early family conflicts, abusive relationships, feelings of insecurity contributing to destructive behaviors such as selfishness, manipulations, promiscuity, addictions, self abuse and eating disorders.  The extreme behaviors of BPD constitute the high drama in the stories of those who endure its ravages.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

What does BPD have to do with not knowing who your natural parents are? Or family knowing that the person who you thought was your Dad really isn't your natural parent? I read all your posts back to when you started posting and although you gave out good information, I noticed that you post the same information over and over to subjects that don't have anything to do with what the subject at hand is/was. Case in point: you post about BPD when the subject is "Who Am I?"

 

I'm not trying to be rude so please respond so that I understand. I noticed that when others complained about your posts you never responded to them. I really am curious.

 
May 22, 2007, 5:43 am CDT

some questions just need answers

I know there's so many laws and rules that protect the privacy rights of people that have given their children up...heaven forbid we should interrupt their ordered lives by asking questions about where we come from!  Why don't we have the right to know our parents?  Why is the cut-off line for finding crucial information about adoptions 1980?  Maybe we don't all want the starry-eyed reunion, with tears of joy and exuberant regrets about missed life-events.  Maybe we just want information...information is power, especially when it comes to health history, and for heaven's sake, maybe we want to know which part of the world our people came from.  Sometimes even when you belong to a loving, supportive adoptive family, there are parts of you that literally ache to feel like you belong to your past. 
 
May 22, 2007, 5:47 am CDT

Adoption is not a disease

This is just a little aside to those of you that look at us adoptees like we have three heads--our lives may have started out differently than yours--maybe we didn't have the cuddles and gushing and lullabyes, but there's no need to act like we've done something wrong.  I'll bet there's  a lot more people out there that either don't know, or just don't want to tell anyone that they're adopted.  There's actually a lot of information online and in libraries and such about many different aspects of adopting--ignorance is definitely NOT bliss in this situation--at least not for those of us who have been adopted.
 
May 22, 2007, 5:56 am CDT

PLEASE HELP US!!

Dr. Phil,

 

Please read all of the postings on this board, and consider doing a show about the closed adoption records issue.  There are SO MANY people that can't find out anything about themselves.  That is so extremely unsettling and heartbreaking.  I happen to be a blessed one--my adoptive family was the best that I could ever hope for...but that doesn't mean I don't want to know where my roots are.  I recently recieved non-identifying information about my first two years before I was adopted.  I cried.  I was reading a sad story about this beautiful baby girl with dark curls and dark eyes who had bad allergies, so she was passed to 5 foster homes in a year.  This was after her mother abandoned her at 1 year-old.  I look at my own daughter.  I'm her whole world.  She trusts me and smiles and laughs and sometimes just stares...I don't know why things happened for me like they did...maybe God knew down the road I'd get a fire in my gut and push for public awareness of this unfair law.  I've had a great life.  My adoptive mom is my best friend, and the most couragous, amazing woman I know (pls. see my other postings for further history on that), but I still have this longing to know my history, and the history of my people.  Please, PLEASE read the postings on here and consider doing a show to help us get this issue in the spotlight.

 
May 22, 2007, 8:35 am CDT

05/24 "Who Am I?"

Quote From: cur2cute

It's strange how people don't understand your feelings if you were adopted.  I never found out that I was adopted until I was 45 years old.  The family kept it a secret all those years.  Unfortantly both of my adoptive parents passed away, so I never was able to ask them about the adoption.  Their birth daughter (my sister) told me forget it.  You are who you are.   I petioned the court and was granted only some information.  My birth mother is alive and doing well, however, she doesn't want to have any contact with me.  But, she thinks about me everyday....OH PLEASE!!!!!!!!  I think it is wonderful if birth mothers who gave their child up for adoption would like the child toknow what happened.  That would put our minds at ease.  People do not understand what it is like to look in the mirror and wonder, Who am I.......who is my mother......what is she like........what are my brother and sisters like.......Who are they???  There are always so many unanswered questions.  I wish that the state (PA)that I live in would pass a law that if you were adopted that the records would be open.  It is so unfair to us adopties not to know about our biologial mother and father.

 

Mary

I think there is more sides to this kind of delema, that open records could make a mess of some lives also.  I do notnow what all the reasons are for closed information to what should be an absolute right to know but those who do not consider it a gift to at least leave information giving medical and some family history even if they msut leave out alot of information leading to them are probably not people you want to know?  there is also the children adopted from rape,

one night stands, abusive relationships and a movie I saw so many young girls in college or cheated on bf/fiance's/husbands? I forget the name of the movie based on a real life story and her making some kind of group for adopties? 

I do think the government could make some kind of form that included soem information without jephorizing the adoption process much?  Like parents medical, some physical traits and basic information on habits, hobbies and careers maybe?  It must be hard to not know, I have a little bit of that not knowing my real father because he died when I was very young, his face, looking into his eyes, hearing his voice, knowing his touch?  A little bit so I can understand it must be frustrating and disheartening to find the real parents did not leave you more but they did leave you your life at least as many do not do that much.  I knew a woman who had 6 kids, latter in life 4 more showed up that she put up for adoption to the surprise to all of her family.  Her and her husband agreed to do it because the pregnacy came so close to another baby born.  They was poor and I do not recall hearing any decent excuse over it, just we didn't want more kids at the time.  her husband long gone (died) seh showed no affection or respect for them children and lost the respect from her own children over this.  I imagine there is a multitude of situations out there and just hope no information given or obtained scares people away from adoptions as a avenue and take abortion instead ot eh going to other countires and leaving the baby there?  I read once Mexico and Canada gets some babies for that reason? 

the worst I have seen or read though is the adoptions being so hard for so many to even get close to and so many growign up in that system?

You are right in that the whole system for adoptions needs looked at and changed.

there is ways for them to give alot of information and still protect the biological parents rights.

like I seen in one message, emails alone can help or an internet sight that holds a number to contact or get information maybe?

 
May 22, 2007, 12:40 pm CDT

Not too late

Quote From: familymatters

I am 45 yrs old and I still ask the question of : WHO AM I....

I met my bilogical mother some years ago, but I have yet to get information on WHO IS MY FATHER.

Thsi is a very touchy topic for many as such my self fore being complete as a being a human being.  Nature has its ways of playing with the emotions of oneself and I am still allowing the game to go on in my heart and mind wich by the way is effecting my mind.

My emotions towards my "mother" is an if I talk to you I do and if I don't its no great loss.

 

I deeply know she knows what I should know and she won't say.

Oh!, by the way "mother"  is doing the same thing to my brother who she as well gave away for adoption many years ago as well.  What a lovely pattern this woman has and what a way for us her children to have too live. There is more to this story but the more I write the bitter I get about this woman who is "mother."  Now if only  I knew who Dad was than just maybe I'll see and feel who I AM... The true fact of WHO AM I starts with what I AM.

I have green eyes and Im light skin who can pass for a spanish woman or as "mother" says I am half black.  Ok does that explain why I have curly that needs a perm here and there? NO IT DOESN'T!!!!!! What it tell me is that there is an answear to my question and "mother" is in control of it. Shame on you "mother."

I hate you are so bitter about this.  I'm not sure if I understand - but it sounds like you're saying your mother gave you up for adoption and later gave birth to your brother but gave him up for adoption also.

 

I can't relate to your feelings about being adopted but I can relate to adopted children.  I have adopted two children which are full brother & sister (same biological mom & dad).  Several people have made comments to me about the birth mother being horrible because she gave two children up for adoption but I have to say - I admire her.  She knew she could not care for these children and she cared enough to give them up.  My children are still young (4 y/o & 1 y/o) but I have already found the birth parents.  I am saving all the contact information for them because I'm sure the day is coming that they will want to meet their birth parents.  I have told my oldest child about being adopted although she doesn't fully understand now, she will in time.  I think honesty is the best thing in this situation.  I don't think there should be family secrets because it never stays a secret.  It always comes out in the end & the consequences are always worse than if everyone would have been honest from the beginning.

 

I hope you can get past your feelings about your mother & things will get better for you.  Good luck!

 
May 22, 2007, 12:51 pm CDT

05/24 "Who Am I?"

Quote From: closetpoet624

This is just a little aside to those of you that look at us adoptees like we have three heads--our lives may have started out differently than yours--maybe we didn't have the cuddles and gushing and lullabyes, but there's no need to act like we've done something wrong.  I'll bet there's  a lot more people out there that either don't know, or just don't want to tell anyone that they're adopted.  There's actually a lot of information online and in libraries and such about many different aspects of adopting--ignorance is definitely NOT bliss in this situation--at least not for those of us who have been adopted.

Adoption is a wonderful thing.  I have two adopted children & I love them more than anything.  I would give my life for them.  Adoption is a great alternative for the biological parents & a way for childless couples to become parents.  My husband and I tried for 12 years to have a baby but were not successful.  If it weren't for my children's biological parents I would have never became a mama - and I wanted that title more than anything.  So, I'm very greatful and appreciative to the birth parents & they will never know how much my husband and I have been blessed by their unselfish acts.

 
May 22, 2007, 3:49 pm CDT

05/24 "Who Am I?"

i am %100 in favor of adoption. our planet is hugely overpopulated and it is criminal the way some people reproduce these days. we could save this beautiful planet if we would just have/not have children in a responsible manner. my husband and i are not going to have any biological children, we decided that before we got married because we are both aware of the grave damage overpopulation has done. if we ever decide we would like/can afford children we will adopt. we should not keep adding so many polluting, consuming humans to our planet, she can't take much more of this. smaller human populations mean fewer cruelties to the planet and all her animals.
 
May 22, 2007, 5:31 pm CDT

re: WHO AM I

Quote From: rrslj1

I hate you are so bitter about this.  I'm not sure if I understand - but it sounds like you're saying your mother gave you up for adoption and later gave birth to your brother but gave him up for adoption also.

 

I can't relate to your feelings about being adopted but I can relate to adopted children.  I have adopted two children which are full brother & sister (same biological mom & dad).  Several people have made comments to me about the birth mother being horrible because she gave two children up for adoption but I have to say - I admire her.  She knew she could not care for these children and she cared enough to give them up.  My children are still young (4 y/o & 1 y/o) but I have already found the birth parents.  I am saving all the contact information for them because I'm sure the day is coming that they will want to meet their birth parents.  I have told my oldest child about being adopted although she doesn't fully understand now, she will in time.  I think honesty is the best thing in this situation.  I don't think there should be family secrets because it never stays a secret.  It always comes out in the end & the consequences are always worse than if everyone would have been honest from the beginning.

 

I hope you can get past your feelings about your mother & things will get better for you.  Good luck!

Thanks for your reply.

I am bitter because of yes she had me and years down the line she had my brother and then after him she had another child who by the way she gave up as well.  So yes she gave up three children and later on she gave birth to two other children who she did keep.  This woman gave birth to five children and she keeps two..... That is why I am bitter to her, but not to the world. :)

I was never adopted, but I was pretty close. I in a way am glad I was never adopted. I guess I learned so much from the different foster homes and group homes that I can say that I have travled around the world... In so many words.  Thanks for your reply..

 
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