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Topic : Addiction Support

Number of Replies: 1935
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 08:56:39 am
Author : dataimport

Are you or someone else you love addicted to something unhealthy? Whether it's food, alcohol, drugs, painkillers, sex, pornography, or something else, find support here.

 

If you believe you need immediate assistance, please call your local emergency number or crisis hotline listed in your local phone book's government pages. You can also find more help on our General and Mental Health Resources page.


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July 25, 2005, 6:43 am CDT

lost

hi, I am feeling so lost.  My brother was aressted six months ago because of drug use.  I felt like I should try to support him because if he knew someone cared he would want to get better.  Unfortunatly, after six months of being clean and just two weeks before his sentence date he was able to get drugs in the jail and he used them.  I felt so down.  My mother made excuses for him that he had a terrible child hood and didn't get along with our dad.  I lived through the same expereince and I have worked hard to better myself I told her he is 28 and he needs to take resbonsibility for himself that did not go over so well.  My mother didn't go and visit him while he was in jail because she said it was too much for her.  She has a drinking problem herself and is always depressed.  My father went every week despite it being a two hour drive and then he could only visit for an half an hour.  Our famliy dealt with this same problem as I grew up.  My father was arrested for drug use when I was 8 and spent a year in prison.  He continued to have problems after he was out but recently he has taken control of his live and is doing better.  I feel lost because I do not know if I should continue to support my brother I still love him but should I go visit him?  I was suppose to go to his sentencing but I decided not to.  What could I say now, he needs help but drugs are the most imoprtant thing to him.  I am unsure how to handle this I am afraid I may make things worse than I already have.   
 
July 25, 2005, 9:34 am CDT

Feeling Lost Myself

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with your brother.  It is so difficult to know what to do.  Currently I am in the process of separating from my fiance (been together 5 years) because his drinking has almost gotten out of control.  He is divorced and now wants to move his 12 year old son in to live with us.  I am a nervous wreck because of his drinking and can't even think about caring for a child.  That might sound selfish, but it is so terribly stressful living with someone who drinks and drives and you get calls from the police to come and get him (2 DUI's).  Three days before his son came for a visit a police officer called me at my job and asked me to come get my fiance because the police dept. had received calls that he was driving all over the road.  I had to leave work giving my boss another lie and pick him up.  The officer let him go because his breathalizer was just under the legal limit.  I saw my fiance speaking nicely to the cop, but I knew that he wouldn't be that way with me.  He was out of control in the car - kept banging on the door, turning up the radio, etc.  Finally he said I don't care any more and unbuckled his seatbelt and unlocked the door and opened it while I was driving about 60 miles an hour!  He tried to get out and he is a very large man and I was screaming and trying to hold him in the car.  Luckily we were close to home and I got him there safely, but I haven't been able to recover from that experience.  I am now so stressed and anxious.  I've seen my doctor and she told me I've lost 20 pounds since May.  I am now about 95 pounds and still can hardly eat from nerves.  I have to force myself.  I don't sleep at night and am always tired.  My fiance had the nerve to say a week or so back that the only reason we are not staying together is because of his kids.  In other words, I don't like them or want them.  He completely ignores the fact that he is an out of control alcoholic.  How can he care for a 12 year old?  He is going to kill himself with his actions or someone else.  He has told his family what a horrible person I am regarding his son and because they live out of state and don't know what's been happening, they believe him.  This man was so dear to me in the beginning and I loved him very much.  It is breaking my heart now to see him spiral downwards.  He is depressed, very overweight, and drinking constantly.  He won't live long.   I've read so many books on alcoholism and how to help your alcoholic and I've attended Al-Anon meetings and tried to be loving and supportive (as per the books), but to no avail.  Is there anyone else out there living this life?  I want some peace for myself, but I fear for what will happen to him when we are no longer together (he already has missed a car payment and is in debt.  Before our breakup I would have helped him and he would then pay me back)  He is terribly verbally abusive to me and it used to break my heart.  Some men from AA have met with him and told me he is heading downward and I need to get out because they fear for my safety.  I agree with them (he has not touched me yet).  It is so difficult to love someone yet let them go for the sake of your own mental and physical health.  My heart is just aching all the time.
 
July 25, 2005, 3:26 pm CDT

Addicted Husband

My situation involves my husband who has been addicted to crack for 4 years.  He has been on the mend often and now I am facing another set back. I need a buddy to swap stories with.....

 

I feel very lonely as no one understands the pressure involved with seeing someone you love destroy your life by substance abuse.  If you can relate... give me some feed back, I would love to chat.

 
July 25, 2005, 5:23 pm CDT

To Runt1973

My fiance has had a alcohol problem for years now.  You watch and pray that he'll pull himself together because he isn't just destroying his life, he destroys the lives of those around him.  I've finally let my family in on his problem after years of excuses why I couldn't come to see them or attend a get together, or have them all over, etc.  They are disgusted with him and me, I think, because I have put up with him.  But this is a person I've loved and he always wasn't this way.  Our relationship started out in such a loving, wonderful, happy way that I sometimes think my life now is all a bad dream.  I am pretty naive and didn't realize he had a drinking problem.  At that time he could go for months without drinking and he was careful not to do that around me while we were dating.  I was completely in love with him when I realized how bad his problem was and I then became determined to help him.  Because of the stress I'm under, the lack of sleep, and a tremendous loss of weight, I now see a therapist and take anti-depressants.  I am learning that I am a MAJOR caretaker.  I should have had a target on my forehead.  A normal woman who had a decent amount of self esteem would not have taken all the crud I have for the past few years and that includes paying his bills, learning he goes on porn sites, finding out he goes to bars and buys drinks for other women, and also goes to strip clubs.  Along with these behaviors he verbally abuses me terribly when he's drunk because his rage comes out.  I pay all the bills when they're due, cook, clean, do the laundry and read everything I can on how to help the alcoholic.  I've done what they've said over these past years and it hasn't helped.  I can attend all the meetings I want to, but he is the person with the drinking problem and he is the one who has to attend the meetings and seek out help.  I know I've been a martyr and I feel foolish.  I've wasted the past five years of my life with someone who didn't get better with my intervention.  I read recently in one of my books on alcoholism that a person can be drowning and someone on shore sees them and jumps in to save them, but because that person doesn't know how to swim they both end up drowning.  I feel that's what I've done.  I know my heart was in the right place.  I tried every way to get him help.  And now I have to separate from him because my own mental and physical health are in jeopardy.  It's breaking my heart because I know the truly wonderful person he is (used to be).  It's terrible to give up on someone and let them "hit bottom."  My fiance's "bottom" will probably be death or jail and I can't bear the thought of that.   I still wish there was something I could do for him (my therapist would kick me for saying that!)
 
July 25, 2005, 5:46 pm CDT

Hey everyone!!!

I just about died when I logged on a week or so ago and found the board down. Guess I need a 12 step group for DR. Phil. Hope everyone has been well and hanging in there. My new job is great and I am finding that life in sobriety is wonderful. Anyone want to talk please don't hesitate to contact me.

 

Mischif

 
July 26, 2005, 11:12 am CDT

support

It is nice to see others who are dealing with the same issue although I would wish this on no one.  It is difficult because outside of my family no one knows what is going on.  I have to go to work each day and smile while I want to scream and  cry.  My husband is great he supports me.  It  is hard to know what is the right thing to do when you love the person but I do not want my life destroyed by the process.  How much and how long should support be giving.
 
July 26, 2005, 1:08 pm CDT

Anyone can do it.

I really grieve to see so many bound by alcoholism and drug addiction.

I have been there and done that as my wife of 17 years.My drinking was a typical

drunkards life with hangovers-the shakes-trouble with the law-the breaking of family

and friends and the financial disaster it causes.I started drinking at age 15.

My grand father was an alcoholic as my father.My grand father broke his back in an

automobile wreck in 1977 and never walked again due to drinking and driving.

My father died in 1978 at age 32 and he was an alcoholic.

#1.One has first to realize they have a problem.

#2.Then comes admittance to themselves and others that there is a problem and want

help for themselves.

#3.Then one is to get help by detoxification of the alcohol or drugs usally in a hospital

equipped for this service.

#4.Then on their release they should attend Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics and

realize they are never to take into their system alcohol or drugs because this sets the

cravings off again and in a short period they are worse off than they were before.

Alcoholism and drug addiction kills and if me and my wife can get clean and sober and

stay clean and sober anyone can.

Me and my wife found our deliverance in Jesus Christ.

God bless you in finding help.

Steven.

 
July 26, 2005, 1:32 pm CDT

Online support.

Quote From: stevenwm

I really grieve to see so many bound by alcoholism and drug addiction.

I have been there and done that as my wife of 17 years.My drinking was a typical

drunkards life with hangovers-the shakes-trouble with the law-the breaking of family

and friends and the financial disaster it causes.I started drinking at age 15.

My grand father was an alcoholic as my father.My grand father broke his back in an

automobile wreck in 1977 and never walked again due to drinking and driving.

My father died in 1978 at age 32 and he was an alcoholic.

#1.One has first to realize they have a problem.

#2.Then comes admittance to themselves and others that there is a problem and want

help for themselves.

#3.Then one is to get help by detoxification of the alcohol or drugs usally in a hospital

equipped for this service.

#4.Then on their release they should attend Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics and

realize they are never to take into their system alcohol or drugs because this sets the

cravings off again and in a short period they are worse off than they were before.

Alcoholism and drug addiction kills and if me and my wife can get clean and sober and

stay clean and sober anyone can.

Me and my wife found our deliverance in Jesus Christ.

God bless you in finding help.

Steven.

http://groups-beta.google.com/group/AlcoholicsVictoriousinChrist?lnk=li
 
July 28, 2005, 7:24 am CDT

In addition....

.....to being and alcoholic and an addict for 30 years I am also severely codependant. I have been sober now for ten months today, but the codependancy issues are really kicking my behind. I do my best to set boundaries with my husband who is still in his disease but it's hard and not good for my sobriety to wake up and find beer cans all over the house. Don't get me wrong I am no better than he is and 10 months ago I was a lot worse but it seems that the longer I am sober the more he drinks. We haven't had sex in 4 years and I am truely considering divorce. I am only here right now because AA teaches not to make in any major changes in the first year and they haven't steered me wrong yet. You know the stronger I get the more threatened he becomes. He is truely a functional alcoholic in that he gets up every morning goes to work and pulls down 6 figures. He only drinks at night after work and he's not violent or abusive in the physical sense of the word. He can be verbal at times but general he keeps to himself in true alcoholic fashion. I am working with my therapist on the codependancy issues and it's helping but it's going so slow. I guess I' m just a little down today. I'm usually very up and ready to help whenever I'm needed but right now I just need a little encouragement.

 

Mischif

 
July 28, 2005, 8:18 am CDT

Enabling!!!

Quote From: skyblue555

My fiance has had a alcohol problem for years now.  You watch and pray that he'll pull himself together because he isn't just destroying his life, he destroys the lives of those around him.  I've finally let my family in on his problem after years of excuses why I couldn't come to see them or attend a get together, or have them all over, etc.  They are disgusted with him and me, I think, because I have put up with him.  But this is a person I've loved and he always wasn't this way.  Our relationship started out in such a loving, wonderful, happy way that I sometimes think my life now is all a bad dream.  I am pretty naive and didn't realize he had a drinking problem.  At that time he could go for months without drinking and he was careful not to do that around me while we were dating.  I was completely in love with him when I realized how bad his problem was and I then became determined to help him.  Because of the stress I'm under, the lack of sleep, and a tremendous loss of weight, I now see a therapist and take anti-depressants.  I am learning that I am a MAJOR caretaker.  I should have had a target on my forehead.  A normal woman who had a decent amount of self esteem would not have taken all the crud I have for the past few years and that includes paying his bills, learning he goes on porn sites, finding out he goes to bars and buys drinks for other women, and also goes to strip clubs.  Along with these behaviors he verbally abuses me terribly when he's drunk because his rage comes out.  I pay all the bills when they're due, cook, clean, do the laundry and read everything I can on how to help the alcoholic.  I've done what they've said over these past years and it hasn't helped.  I can attend all the meetings I want to, but he is the person with the drinking problem and he is the one who has to attend the meetings and seek out help.  I know I've been a martyr and I feel foolish.  I've wasted the past five years of my life with someone who didn't get better with my intervention.  I read recently in one of my books on alcoholism that a person can be drowning and someone on shore sees them and jumps in to save them, but because that person doesn't know how to swim they both end up drowning.  I feel that's what I've done.  I know my heart was in the right place.  I tried every way to get him help.  And now I have to separate from him because my own mental and physical health are in jeopardy.  It's breaking my heart because I know the truly wonderful person he is (used to be).  It's terrible to give up on someone and let them "hit bottom."  My fiance's "bottom" will probably be death or jail and I can't bear the thought of that.   I still wish there was something I could do for him (my therapist would kick me for saying that!)

Hi!  Just so you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic and also grew up with 2 raging alcoholic parents, so I've more or less seen this issue from all sides.

 

A lot of what you said reminded me of myself.  So I'll mention a couple of things.

 

First, don't be so hard on yourself.  As you clearly realize, you've been enabling your fiance all over the place, to the point where it puts yourself and your employment at risk.   It's unfortunate, but enabling comes naturally to most of us who think of ourselves as "good" people.  Why wouldn't we want to "help"?? 

 

The problem is that enabling is very destructive to the alcoholic.  Us alcoholics tend to look at the results of our drinking in terms of "well, I still have.....".  And as long as someone is sticking around helping us hang on and avoid consequences, (as in leaving work to pick him up from a DUI), that person is not only hurting him/herself, but is hurting the alcoholic even more.   An alcoholic NEEDS the consequences to hit his/her bottom.

 

The other thing that reminded me of myself is this: In spite of all the therapy and meetings and research, I can tell that  you're still struggling with the notion that there has to be something left for you to do.  There has to be some combination of right words or actions that will make him sit up and see the light.  Simply put, there isn't.  You cannot control his disease.

 

Finally, like me, you're on information overload.  While education is certainly useful as part of a healing process, it can actually become a negative and you end up with "paralysis by analysis."   And when that happens, people can stall out. 

 

So I guess my only real advice is that you simplify things.  Stop reading and researching.  If your therapist isn't holding you accountable for acting on your knowledge, stop with the therapist.  I do think Al Anon can be helpful in cases like yours.  But set simple goals (ie, by this weekend I will have kicked him out), do not negotiate your boundaries with your fiance, and above all, be good to yourself. 

 
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