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Topic : 05/29 A Dr. Phil Family on Fire: House Intervention, Part 4

Number of Replies: 109
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, May 25, 2007, 01:10:42 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

After all their hard work, the latest Dr. Phil Family receives some surprises from Dr. Phil! He informs Melissa that everything she needs to get her life back on track is headed her way: a complete health evaluation, personal trainer, nutritionist, and food service delivered to her door. In addition, she’ll receive help for her depression and be connected with a developmental disabilities specialist for her autistic son. But it all comes with a condition: Melissa and Randy need to heal their toxic relationship. Then, a talk with Myra and Gene leads to a tearful apology. And, will a one-on-one with Dr. Phil’s wife, Robin, help Myra see that she deserves to be treated with dignity and respect? Will Myra set some standards in her broken marriage? Will there even be a marriage to speak of when they get home? Dr. Phil has some strong words for Gene. Next, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity pits brother against brother as Edwin and Eugene audition for a Hollywood talent agent and a casting director. Don’t miss the surprising twist when they get a call from the judges. Then, it’s time to switch gears – literally! Since Myra and Melissa never learned to drive, Dr. Phil sets them up with a driving lesson so they can become more independent. And you won’t believe the prize in store for the women if they pass their driver’s test! Dr. Phil sits down with the entire family one last time. Will they use the tools he gave them to build healthier relationships? Talk about the show here.


Find out what happened on the show.

 

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May 27, 2007, 7:52 pm CDT

OPPOSITIONALISM - RUTHLESS AGGRESSION - SEVERE RESISTANCE

The normal/neurotic couple incorporates communicative-interactive tips and interventions directed towards effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving and enhanced intimacy. The personality-disordered marriage, even when managed with strategic skill and therapeutic acumen, too often seems impervious to change. Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are: 

 

 

Treating Borderline States in Marriage:  Dealing with Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles McCormack 

 

The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple:  A Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatment by Joan Lachkar

 

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

 

There are relationships, marriages, and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave. Leave so that you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can eventually learn to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfulling life.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
May 28, 2007, 3:51 pm CDT

05/29 A Dr. Phil Family on Fire: House Intervention, Part 4

Melissa needs to shut up. I have been doing nothing for 10 years, watching tv up to 17 hours a day but Im not bitching about it. And Im only 20 lbs overweight.

 

Meliaa,

take care of your son!!!!

 
May 28, 2007, 10:56 pm CDT

stop picking on melissa

Quote From: maceasar

Melissa needs to shut up. I have been doing nothing for 10 years, watching tv up to 17 hours a day but Im not bitching about it. And Im only 20 lbs overweight.

 

Meliaa,

take care of your son!!!!

did you even watch the show? melissa is a very smart well spoken young lady who is obviously depressed for good resason.  She had a child at 17 years old and he has a handicap.  Hopefully you don't know wat that feels like. It is easy to see that she puts everyone before her own wellbeing. She was smart enough to ask for help and that makes her very brave.If all you do is watch TV for 17 hours a day yoy need to call Melissa and ask her how she was smart enough and brave enough to go on the Dr. Phil show so she could have a better life for herself and her loved ones.GOD BLESS YOU MELISSA, AND RYAN TOO.

 
May 28, 2007, 11:50 pm CDT

05/29 A Dr. Phil Family on Fire: House Intervention, Part 4

 I think that Melissa is putting the blame on everyone else, and not doing what SHE needs to do to get help for herself. I am glad that she admited that she needs the help, but she does seem like she has problems, deeper then even her family would think.
 
May 29, 2007, 4:21 am CDT

Empathy for Melissa

I'm sure there are a lot of people out there, that were flabbergasted by Melissa's remark about her autistic son.  I would ask that anyone that's about to jump down Melissa's throat, to stop and consider how you would react if you child were kidnapped.  I know how she feels, I have an autistic 4 year old daughter.  I can tell you that she loves her son, she is just very isolated, overwhelmed and depressed.  It seems to me that she does NOT have a very good support system.  If she is anything like me, she questions herself every single day.  What did I do wrong when I was pregnant?  Maybe it was the hotdog from 7-11, or the medication I was taking before I knew I was pregnant?  What kind of life is my child going to have?  Why didn't this happen to someone else? 

Though I do not have a weight problem, I too feel paralyzed by the fear of what could happen next.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE Melissa, don't give up on your Ryan!  My Cree is such a wonderful little girl that loves everyone.  She is my hero.  I really believe we will find a cure.  If you're having a hard time, and need someone to talk to, I registered my phone number, please call me.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Trust me, no one truly understands until it happens to them.

Good luck and God Bless you!

 
May 29, 2007, 5:22 am CDT

There is hope here.

I truly think that the whole family is doing really well considering their dysfunctional state. Thank you Dr.Phil and Robyn for again helping greatly. It must feel good to get good results from people who are troubled as this family is. It must be hard for Myra to forgive Gene the affair he had with the 19 year old especially. Old enough to be his daughter. I hope that Myra comes through and receives her peace about the infidelities.  Good luck to Melissa, Randy and  their autistic son, as they work through their lives. Good to hear of the boy's success too in their lives.I am praying for you all, and God Bless you.

Sincerely,

Lory(Australia)

 
May 29, 2007, 5:35 am CDT

melissa, I understand.....

Melissa, no one knows unless they've been there. Just like you, I live it every day. My child was also born with a disability, so I know what that does to your life.  Its not about accepting the diagnosis or being in denial.  People around you feel that you need to get over it and move forward. You and I both know that it does not work that way.  Its ongoing, every single day of your life. Its overwhelming and it makes other people uncomfortable. Its very isolating and lonely. You said yourself how helpless you feel. I understand that, because we can't fix our babies. Its a devastating feeling, a kind of grieving that only one of us could understand.

I,too, gained and gained, and lost myself in the process. How could I not be a different person after this?  I shoved my feelings down with food. Sometimes I was afraid I might start screaming and never stop. Even my husband has never understood. I feel as if I had no support system at all. I would like to say that I got a handle on things, but not quite.......My child is doing great at age 14 (still disabled) but I am the aftermath, 100lbs. overweight, my totally gray hair falling out, diabetes and high blood pressure, all at age 41.  I can pass as a senior citizen !

Melissa, you are so young to be dealing with this....I wish I could be there for you. I've got a feeling that your mom just does not know how when it comes to your son. I hope the two of you will become closer.  You are probably an excellent mother to your son, but you are moving around on auto-pilot for yourself. For myself, it was like coming out of a fog after 7 years, asking myself what the hell happened to me. I still don't know how to turn it around. 

You could probably take Randy and your family out of this equation, and find that you are still facing these same problems. I saw your beautiful "before" pics. Melissa, you are still beautiful. But you have turned on yourself, and I think it has more to do with your feelings and emotions regarding your son.  Despite all the love you have for him, I know how much it hurts sometimes.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 
May 29, 2007, 5:49 am CDT

05/29 A Dr. Phil Family on Fire: House Intervention, Part 4

I have seen only the third episode in this series, which I viewed last night, however I have read the summaries of the other episodes and the follow-up.

 

I am glad Dr. PHil has found ways to help at least Melissa and the boys.

 

What a Toxic Family!!!  Parents that call each other umprintable names and fight like animals and pick on the children and use them as weapons against each other!  Sheesh!  It would be almost impossible for a child to grow up normal in a family like that!

 

Last night seemed to be "Pick ON Melissa Night".  Now if is my understanding this woman is the one who contacted the show to begin with, searching for help for her parents primarily, as well as the rest of the family.  How devastating it must have been for her to find herself attacked on all siades by everyone else in what was an obvious attempt by them to avoid dealing with their own problems.  And especially appalling since the parents are pretty much responsible for her problems.

 

What people aren't understanding is how much anger there is in these people.

 

Weight is often repressed anger.  Depression is an expression of repressed anger.  And Melissa is obviously both.

 

Even her messy house, which was commented on, is a symptom of depression.  Melissa is not lazy!  She is seriously depressed.  And no wonder growing up with those parents!

 

I don't know how she functions as well as she does, all things considered.  I remember the days when I had small children.  Housekeeping was almost impossible.  If you spent what time you had cleaning one room, the rest of the house got trashed meanwhile.  If you tried to do some cleaning in each room,  what little you could do was pretty much invisible in the vast wasteland of what you couldn't get done.  And having an autistic child to deal with makes it even more difficult than with normal children.  I had to work in addition to raising my children, so I know exactly what she is facing.  You begin to feel like there is no point to even trying.  At least at work you were done at the end of the day.  At home there is no end.

 

Those parents MADE Melissa dysfunctional.  For example, when Melissa and her Father were supposed to make dinner, and she was trying to coordinate who was to do what, in walked the Mother and took over, insisting on making potato salad, which nobody else really wanted, and which she insisted nobody but her  could make properly.  Come ON!  It's just potato salad, not a gourmet meal!  And every move Melissa made, the Mother denigrated, making her feel, no doubt, as if nothing she did was right.  I'd have walked out of the kitchen myself if treated like that, and yes, I'd have stuffed myself with food to keep the anger from exploding and worsening an already bad situation!

 

Obviously Melissa was treated that way throughout her growing up years, being made to feel dysfunctional even when she wasn't!

 

It's no mystery as to why she hooked up with a man who was a thief and a liar.  Dysfunctional people often hook up with a partner more dysfunctional than themselves in order to feel better about themselves, and to g=feel there is maybe somebody in the world worse off than them, whom they can perhaps help!

 

Then she gets an autistic child to pile guilt on topo of it all and add to her depression.  No, it was not her fault her child was born autistic.  However, almost any Mother who has a less-than-perfect child feels guilty about it, as if it was somehow her fault.  As if had she done, or not dome, some nebulous something, the child would have been spared its disability.

 

Her Mother kept saying that her "expectations" for Melissa were much higher than what she has achieved.  Well how about Melissa's "expectations" and wishes for her own life?  Doesn't she get to have a say?  Besides, would any human being eVER have been able to reach the Mother's expectations?  Had Melissa achieved something, wouldn't her MOther have then raised her expectations even higher, so that Melissa could never have pleased her?

 

I know it is hard living far away from one's family.  But in this case I think the further from that family she can get, the better,.

 

Now, Melissa cannot drive.  That means she is essentially imprisoned and caged in this day and age.  Add the autistic child and it makes it even worse.  everyone kept saying she could go for walks.  How?  You can't go for a walk taking an autistic child with you who could at any moment act up and act out in ways you can't handle.  So she is even more home-bound.

 

I know what not driving is like!  I grew up in a time and place where women didn't have to drive.  It was a guy thing.  And while some women did,  it was no disgrace not to.  It was considered perfectly normal.  Then I ended up in a relatively small town with no public transportation at all, and small children.  I was pretty much imprisoned too!   I could only walk so far with them, even with strollers and wagons and trycicles and such.  *wry grin*  And now they are grown and gone, I have developed a seizure disorder  to the point the State will not permit me to drive.  SoI am dependent on my children to take me places I need to go, and as they have busy lives and families of their own, I hate imposing on them. 

 

So I know what Melissa is going through there.  She is pretty much immobilized.  And I hope she does manage to learn to drive with the help Dr. Phil is giving her.

 

I would, however, like to know more of what help is being given to the parents before they destroy the rest of the family, and each other.  I have to wonder if they are maybe beyond help.

 

The boys in that family seem the closest to being able to be normal, functioning people, but perhaps that is merely because  in the episode I saw they were not very active or prominent in the family dynamics.

 

I wish the whole family the best of  luck, but I really think what the parents need is a smack upside of the head.

 

Those kids have a lot of work and evffort ahead of them to get over what the parents have done to them, and to avoid the pitfalls the parents fell into.

 

 

 
May 29, 2007, 6:20 am CDT

Proud?

Quote From: maceasar

Melissa needs to shut up. I have been doing nothing for 10 years, watching tv up to 17 hours a day but Im not bitching about it. And Im only 20 lbs overweight.

 

Meliaa,

take care of your son!!!!

And you are proud of this???

 

Unless you're physically unable, there's no excuse for someone to do nothing for ten years.  Get out, get a job, do volunteer work, walk, exercise,get an education,  help someone, or even yourself.

 
May 29, 2007, 6:26 am CDT

I know how Melissa feels...

In fact, she inspired me to write to Dr. Phil about my own problem(s) today:

 

I've written quite a few times about one family crisis or another, but now this is my final email.  It's not about and it's all about  those things I've previously written about.  I'm just so depressed about my life and spent the last few days crying when no one is looking. I have a great personality and sense of humor which covers up my real feelings and I'm tired of pretending. I'm now 50 years old and wonder "is this all there is?". I've made wrong choices in men and have 3 children who have paid the consequences of my choices. My weight is also a symptom of those choices. I'm a mess and don't know how to truly change things for the better. I have one daughter from the first husband, age 30 on meth, I have one son, age 18 who was on meds since age 4 and whose father died from drugs and paternal grandparents brainwashing him that I don't care about him. He's moved out with those grandparents just a few weeks ago. I have another son, age 12, who is the love of my life and whose father is my current husband who is another bad choice. He's a good provider, but is absent emotionally from us. I pretend I'm happy, I shop to make myself happy, I eat to make myself happy. I'm NOT happy. I want another life. I want my daughter to know I love her and get off meth, I want my son (even tho he's not a very nice person to me) to know I love him and have always cared about him, I want my youngest to know that I'm a good Mom and I care about ALL my kids.  My Dad cheated on my Mom when I was a kid and they got divorced. I was devastated by my first real boyfriend when he broke up with me, then the 2nd boy in high school who I still love to this very day, broke up with me and then I chose my first husband just for companionship. There hasn't been love involved in my relationships since I was 18. Drugs and alcohol were involved in my first 2 adult relationships, so now I have a husband who doesn't drink or drug but isn't there for me or the kids. He's extremely judgemental and has pushed my 18 year old away since he's been 4 years old. I want a home, a husband who loves me and who really truly cares about me and is my friend. I NEED a friend. I'm tired of choosing men who are beneath me just so that I don't have to worry that they'll leave me. They're not good enough for me, but I feel that I'm not good enough for the one's who could be good enough for me. Oh Dr. Phil, please help me sort this all out. I don't want to grow old and die unhappy and feeling cheated in life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ya know, there's a lot more to someone's problems than what you see on the TV screen on the show.  Melissa has issues that cause her to feel sad and depressed.  In turn, she eats and pretends to hold everything together.  She needs to get honest with herself and not worry about hurting anyone's feelings now that she's able to talk to Dr. Phil.  He's going to be her lifeline to changing her life.  Like Melissa, I feel that I also have many issues that span many years of heartache.  I *do* acknowledge it, but still don't know how to change it.  I'm overwhelmed and not sure what to do first.  So, I just go on with normal day to day activities and stuff my feelings.  Sometimes, like during the show, all my issues come to a head and I cry and cry, but still I don't know what to do.  Sure, I could go to a therapist, but I want help NOW, not months and months from now after going from session to session. I don't mind going, but I need a gameplan. Every therapist I've ever gone to was too wishy-washy. I know Dr. Phil wouldn't be like that. I need him before everything comes crashing down on me. I feel it.

 
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