Quote From: christydk I am so excited to have found a forum where people understand!!! I have been reading through posts and am amazed at all of the people that feel the same way I do!!!
I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (search www.arthritis.org to understand) and severe degenerative disc disease. I have had only one surgery and several steroidal injections. I have been to chiropractors, accupuncture specialists, and physical therapy. My entire L-spine needs to be fused, but the surgeons don't want to fuse it at this point because of the A.S.
My husband does not understand at all. He says he understands, but then when another medical bill comes in he freaks out!! My Laminectomy was not covered by our insurance. Long story, too long to go into. Anyway, if I am down and can not get out of bed to cook or do laundry he gets very resentful.
I still work full time teaching computers to 3rd and 4th graders, so I am on my feet all day. I push my body all week long. By the time the weekend gets here, my back is shot! I am tired of all the narcotics, muscle relaxants, biomedics, and anti-depressants just to keep me somewhat functioning. So is my husband. How do you get your spouses to understand that you can not even move without pain? In my frustration, I told him I prayed that God strike him with this for 3 weeks. I knew he couldn't handle it for one day, so I figured 3 weeks would push him over the edge. I know it isn't nice, but then he would understand. I think the he would be glad to do laundry and cook!!!!
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Bless you all!!
Christy
Christy,
Welcome! I'm glad you found us, the folk here are wonderful, but I am sorry that being here means every new person is in pain too - the downside of medical support groups.
I second pretty much everything Dianah said about finding any and all shortcuts you can. They will at least ease what is on your plate a bit. (and I've learned that even Tuna Helper can go in the microwave! lol)
I got kind of "lucky" I guess in that I fell very ill and nearly died (a couple of times actually) so my husband *had* to adjust and he did it willingly but here's what I've used when things have reared up between us over my health.
If we're really disagreeing or upset I explain to him that, whatever the issue is, this *isn't* how I want it to be either and that if I could fix it, or how I feel about it, I would. For us it works, as long as the conversation is calm. It also, over 2 years, helped him see how I depend on him for most everything so a small slight isn't big to him but can be huge to me.
I also just default things too him. Like tonight, he could either stop on his way home from work and pick up anything he wanted for dinner OR he would have leftovers and I'd have a sandwich or such. Same with cleaning. He can have brunch with me OR I can do the laundry. Usually he picks correctly but I've learned to be equally grateful regardless (took me a while though, I freely admit that!)
Oddly a huge help was becoming too ill to work. Not because it gave me time to do things, I do less now as I am sicker than when I worked, but because it was such absolute factual proof that there is no way for me to keep up. Do your Drs support you working full time? Teaching is especially exhausting and hard on the back -bending to those desks! Could you consider working part-time or tutoring kids privately? Easier said than done I know, we're still waiting on my disability approval but life is better, even if the money isn't : )
Finally, we see a marriage counselor together. It started for me when I was having terrible PTSD (related to oxygen deprivation and the whole near death thing). I realized, through our therapist that when V does things his way - skips my drs appt, changes what drs say to sound more positive, wants to do more than I can - that he's really just covering this huge enormous anxiety he carries around every day. Really, when I put myself in his shoes I realize that I have the easier role here. Yes, being ill and in pain 24/7 is hard and depressing and frustrating but if the roles were reversed... I don't know how I'd ever function watching V feel like this. Maybe your husband is coping by pretending you're healthier than you are? Willing you to be "better" ?
Good luck, I hope that you can work something out that works better for you. I am blessed, that is the bottom line, and I know it and, literally, thank God for my husband and his constant help but I do hope that maybe something was a little helpful : ) Either way, welcome and I hope you are having a low-pain day today.
Take care,
Karin
