Quote From: profderiendear lashawnna --
how hard it must be. you are being very faithful to keep a good image of " mommy" in the children's minds. it may be easiest to do it now -- but later, depending in large measure on what "mommy" does, the situation may be very painful and divisive.
in our case, we were handed over to our father's custody -- who then managed to do the best thing in his life by marrying my stepmother, a lovely woman. sadly, they both tried to keep any message, letter, or phone call from my biological mom, a secret -- even occasionally taking turns to say "see? she does not even try to contact you, she has abandoned you." i remember playing along, somehow knowing that it pleased them for me to echo the words and to say things like "i don't ever want to hear from her..."
i remember saying that when they did give me a letter from her -- she had enclosed a beautiful picture of herself (absolutely gorgeous, i wish i still had it) and her two children with her new husband, a turkish doctor. (as it turns out, if i could have my way -- i would've liked to have been raised by him and my stepmom -- and trash all that biology!)
as soon as i said i wanted no more contact, and i think i was about 8 years old, wham-bam, it was as if the oracle had spoken. please don't ever hold a child hostage to such a statement, such a decision!
*every* child wants to know that there is someone out there who loves them beyond words... like no one else can. when i "met" my mother, it was a twisted, scary scenario and, after some time, i knew that it was a relationship with no future. she was happily remarried, with two more kids.
she had no idea of what had happened to any of us and was completely unprepared for much of what i had to tell her, when we were re-introduced. i was 16 and it was left to me to tell her that her firstborn son had run away years ago, that no one knew where he went, that i had always thought (and been encouraged to think) that he had made his way back to her (she lived in turkey, then.). she collapsed. finally, it was left to me to tell her that her middle son had made me promise to tell her nothing about him. he was that angry about her abandonment -- and remains so.
still, i think kids need to know that there is someone out there who loves them like no one else can -- even if adults know them to be people of poor character, who are even possibly detrimental -- in that case, visits can be supervised, etc.
if completely cut off -- the pendulum will swing against all logic and young ones *will* resent it if they've not had contact. with today's medical help, your daughter will probably live a long time -- and i pray she avails herself of that help -- and the children will seek to understand how all of this started. tell them the truth -- in an age-appropriate way -- and give them as many choices as you can -- to talk to her, see her, write her, visit with her, even draw her, make collages of/for her.
you are their sentinel, the gate-keeper. and, lashy, i know you are so tired. you are so good. is there **no one** to share the daily burdens with? i am not speaking of your husband but of a friend, a relative, even someone from the father's side?
pitiful -- but it is 2:30 pm and i cannot wake up. we are leaving for the gym -- ugh -- in half an hour. ugh. ugh.
i hope the stress on you lightens because stressors in whatever form -- physical and emotional -- wreak havoc on the auto-immune system. you are probably laughing at me! "she wants me to avoid stress... wha...ha...ha!"
you *are* doing the right thing by these children -- and no one could do more.
love,
prof
Prof, oh how I wish that I had some help but unfortunately, I don't. The children's fathers are absent parents, and they could care less what happens to the kids. Yes it's ashamed tfor lack of a better word but I am dealing with it. I am trying to get a routine together with them, but some days, my pain levels are much too high to do certian things with them.
I had plans to take them down to a local museum on yesterday but I felt too bad to even drive.
Eventually, we'll head that way though. I am really trying to keep them as occupied with activities as I can because everyday, they asked for my daughter more and more
I have always appreciated your willingness to share your experiences with us here, and I know that some of your experiences have been rather painful to speak about such as the above mentioned. You are a good person Prof, you have such a wonderful spirit. And how I do wish that I could make your pain better for you. You have managed to support, and give valuable information to those us seeking it, and still somehow keep going.
I will do my best in raising the children, and all out of the love I have for them both. I love my daughter but I question many times just how she could just leave her children behind. After reading your post, I am left to ponder the thought that just maybe, just maybe she never really wanted to be a parent from the start, that this situation she finds herself dealing with was just the opportunity to say good-bye. But until she returns home, if she does, I guess that I'll be left to wonder why she's done this.
I wish you a good day Prof, a day that allows you to rejoice, and be glad.
Love,
Lashy
