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Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 395
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?

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November 26, 2005, 7:05 am CST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: megan8

I can't find any help! The relationship I have with my younger brother is toxic and it's getting more abusive. He is 5 years younger than I (we are both in our twenties) and we fight constantly. Now that I've moved out and he is at University things have calmed, but as soon as we see each other or talk we begin fighting again. He seems to despise me because I have followed in my parents footsteps re: career and have always played by the rules and been the "good girl". He is very smart but has failed school for the past 3 years and can't seem to get out of his rut. There's nothing I can say that makes him feel accepted by me & he's so cruel when he yells that I've started to not even like him as a person. Fights have been getting worse and he's begun to punch the walls & things are escalating (he has hit me). He's constantly threatening me physically and he verbally abuses me almost every time I see him. My parents sought counselling years ago- which he didn't go to & my parents are worried about his mental state and they want it to just go away by me ignoring him. I can do that, but it hurts me to not have a brother to talk to and i'm devasted that my parents won't stick up for me when he abuses me (which they've been witness to). What do I do? I've already moved out & into another city - but these things are still happening when i'm home over the holidays or if I run into him on weekends!

I highly recommend reading "Delivered From Distraction" by Dr. Ed. Hallowell 

 
December 1, 2005, 10:50 am CST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: tenletters

Well, another crappy Thanksgiving at the in-laws. WHY? Because my sister in law (husband's brother's wife) is very competitve and my mother in law favors her and the brother over me and my husband. For example: She gave them a wedding gift (supposedly a VERY generous gift) and we got a card with NOTHING in it. We're married close to 10 years now and I feel sick every time I'm in their presence and have to listen to, "We got this, and we have that." She's a spoiled you-know-what who is taken care of. She doesn't have to worry about bills like I do, or budgeting or saving for retirement because every body (in laws and her husband) kisses her butt. She plays innocent but is very slick. It's frustrating, especially when my husband is oblivious to it all. He is TOO nice and thinks positively all the time. He never says a bad thing about anybody and that is good but it also isolates me and my feelings from being validated. My mother in law has also removed my and my husband's photo of us together and replaced it (in a fridge frame) with my sister in law. My stomach dropped, and again, another event RUINED. Tears well up in my eyes and I have to smile for the rest of the night and pretend everything's fine! It sickens me and I don't know if I can stay married for the rest of my life TO THIS FAMILY. They are pleasant, etc. to me, it's not outright in my face, it's "behind the scenes." I KNOW they talk about me w/ my sister in law, I just know it and I know they get handouts when they don't even need the money and I know they favor them over us. How can they do this to their SON? They won't ever say anything to my face and we've never done anything TO them, my sister in law is VERY SLICK and knows how to "play" my mother in law. I don't know how to handle them when they throw things in our faces (when we are getting by modestly) all of their purchases, etc. She calls her every day and kisses my mother in law's butt and even convinced my mother in law to talk her now husband into marrying her. They don't yet have kids, that will be hell. What can we do or say to make them stop trying to show off to us? How can I show my in-laws that WE (her son and me) should be appreciated the same (REALLY MORE) than them??? We DESERVE it. We are such nice people and I guess the squeaky wheels get the oil. We never ask for anything. I want them to feel bad about screwing us and treat us equally. HELP! Divorce? Stay married? We don't have any kids, 1. because we are just getting by $ 2. no one to babysit all day, i have to work 3. i don't want to give that family anything of MINE Not sure what to do. But if anyone can tell me how important the in laws play in a marriage, I'd appreciate it. My husband ignores these details and when they tell him he should visit someone (family member) he HAS run and obeyed what they wished. That bothers me. Divorce is a huge undertaking and I don't want to regret anything. What else can I do? Ignore her comments? Just smile and say, "How wonderful for yoU!" ????? HELP!

I can totally relat to what you are saying.  My husband has 3 older brothers and one younger brother.  They are all married.  Our marriage is my husband's second marriage.  The second oldest son is the most educated of the five sons.  His wife does not do a single thing.  They have six kids and she did not raise a single one of those six children.  I think they only had those children for tax purposes...I'm dead serious.  They live in their own home.  My father-in-law & mother-in-law lives with my husband and I.  The older brother & sister-in-law brings their kids over to our place all the time for my in-laws to baby-sit.  The in-laws NEVER want to go to any of the other brother's house so whenever the brothers need childcare, they'll bring their kids over to our place which is EVERYDAY.  

  

The annoying s-in-law kisses up to my in-laws.  She gets away w/everything.  I always get looked down and I am the least liked d-in-law.  She does not have to lift a finger to cook for her family or her husband.  Yet, her husband had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't be complaining about their children coming over all the time because I don't have to babysit them, his parents are the ones babysitting their kids.  Oh and that I am not a good wife to my husband because I don't cook and clean for him, which I do ALL the time.  I have two children, I am working and going to school full time.  I have to cook & clean for my husband & the in-laws.  His wife does not even go to school or work.  She just runs around town with him because she feels insecure.  They have more money than my husband & I because they are older and started out in life much sooner than us.  Keeping in mind, my husband has a first marriage and owes a lot of debt that I didn't know about until after our first child.  Now, I have to help my husband pay off his debt from his first marriage, which him & his ex loaned. 

  

My in-laws refused to live with anyone else but now due to unexpected circumstances, they have no choice but to move in with the annoying s-in-law & older brother.  We are selling the house to pay off my husband's debt.  I am just very bless to have this opportunity for my husband & I to move out and live on our own for the very first time.  Now I don't have to deal w/her coming over everyday leaving her kids over for days, I don't even have to see her unless I chose to.  There will be occasions like T-day.  My eyes have welled up with tears at many gatherings because of her.  This past T-day, I just ignored her like she never existed.  I just look the other way and talked to everyone else but her.  She has turned my husband's whole family against me, even my own husband. He feels he owes it to her & his brother to respect them. 

  

I can go on and on but I wanted to share my experience with you and tell you that there has got to be one thing that annoys your s-in-law.  That is your target.  For example, my s-in-law hates being ignored and needs to be center of attention & superior than all of us.  If she does not have my attention, her needs are not met.  So if I ignore her, she'll have to work very hard to get me to pay attention to her or respect her. 

 
December 1, 2005, 1:06 pm CST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: xiongmy

I can totally relat to what you are saying.  My husband has 3 older brothers and one younger brother.  They are all married.  Our marriage is my husband's second marriage.  The second oldest son is the most educated of the five sons.  His wife does not do a single thing.  They have six kids and she did not raise a single one of those six children.  I think they only had those children for tax purposes...I'm dead serious.  They live in their own home.  My father-in-law & mother-in-law lives with my husband and I.  The older brother & sister-in-law brings their kids over to our place all the time for my in-laws to baby-sit.  The in-laws NEVER want to go to any of the other brother's house so whenever the brothers need childcare, they'll bring their kids over to our place which is EVERYDAY.  

  

The annoying s-in-law kisses up to my in-laws.  She gets away w/everything.  I always get looked down and I am the least liked d-in-law.  She does not have to lift a finger to cook for her family or her husband.  Yet, her husband had the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't be complaining about their children coming over all the time because I don't have to babysit them, his parents are the ones babysitting their kids.  Oh and that I am not a good wife to my husband because I don't cook and clean for him, which I do ALL the time.  I have two children, I am working and going to school full time.  I have to cook & clean for my husband & the in-laws.  His wife does not even go to school or work.  She just runs around town with him because she feels insecure.  They have more money than my husband & I because they are older and started out in life much sooner than us.  Keeping in mind, my husband has a first marriage and owes a lot of debt that I didn't know about until after our first child.  Now, I have to help my husband pay off his debt from his first marriage, which him & his ex loaned. 

  

My in-laws refused to live with anyone else but now due to unexpected circumstances, they have no choice but to move in with the annoying s-in-law & older brother.  We are selling the house to pay off my husband's debt.  I am just very bless to have this opportunity for my husband & I to move out and live on our own for the very first time.  Now I don't have to deal w/her coming over everyday leaving her kids over for days, I don't even have to see her unless I chose to.  There will be occasions like T-day.  My eyes have welled up with tears at many gatherings because of her.  This past T-day, I just ignored her like she never existed.  I just look the other way and talked to everyone else but her.  She has turned my husband's whole family against me, even my own husband. He feels he owes it to her & his brother to respect them. 

  

I can go on and on but I wanted to share my experience with you and tell you that there has got to be one thing that annoys your s-in-law.  That is your target.  For example, my s-in-law hates being ignored and needs to be center of attention & superior than all of us.  If she does not have my attention, her needs are not met.  So if I ignore her, she'll have to work very hard to get me to pay attention to her or respect her. 

say something to those awful women and stick up for yourselves. I wouldnt be able to keep it inside. tell these ignorant people how you feel then treat them exactly how they treat you. Who cares what they think. Dont show them any respect because they dont.
 
December 1, 2005, 6:58 pm CST

I lived with an alcoholic 25 years

I am not sure what I would do if I had my life to do over again but I will tell you that after living with an alcoholic for 25 years, I have divorced and married the most wonderful man WHO DOES NOT DRINK. He loves me 24/7 and not just when he is sober (like my ex). 

  

Also, my kids are now 27 and 23 and they view their childhood as horrible. I thought it was better to stay together for the children but they don't have happy memories. Even though we had wonderful family vacations, their father never missed an activity or a game or a track meet etc. AND was in church EVERY Sunday, the times he was drunk is what they remember. 

  

They blame me for keeping them in such a horrible environment. I thought it was far better to be a stay at home mom for my children and be involved in their lives. They don't agree.  

  

Of course, you can always second guess - it's hard to know what is best for everyone but I would say it would be better to take the kids out of their school and make a family life near your work. 

  

  

  

  

 
December 1, 2005, 10:24 pm CST

Yes all of my family

 No matter what i do for them i feel it is never good enough they always have to be better than me, I dont argue with them only because i am afraid I always back down. I know I should stand up for myself but if I do they have a way to make every thing look like its my fault. (easy way out I guess)My sister runs me down to make herself look good while she is doing that I have her friends speaking over me its like i dont have a voice. I guess I bring this on myself. 
 
December 2, 2005, 11:13 am CST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: wkkhf777

 No matter what i do for them i feel it is never good enough they always have to be better than me, I dont argue with them only because i am afraid I always back down. I know I should stand up for myself but if I do they have a way to make every thing look like its my fault. (easy way out I guess)My sister runs me down to make herself look good while she is doing that I have her friends speaking over me its like i dont have a voice. I guess I bring this on myself. 
you dont bring it on yourself. Dont back down and treat them like they treat you. you teach people how to treat you so stand up for yourself. Who cares what they think becasue they dont care about how you feel or what you think.  Any time anyone talks over you, talk louder and yell if you have to . Start being a massive bitch and i tell you they will be shocked and not mess with you anymore. Its true....
 
December 2, 2005, 3:38 pm CST

I have no choice

Quote From: discokitty

you dont bring it on yourself. Dont back down and treat them like they treat you. you teach people how to treat you so stand up for yourself. Who cares what they think becasue they dont care about how you feel or what you think.  Any time anyone talks over you, talk louder and yell if you have to . Start being a massive bitch and i tell you they will be shocked and not mess with you anymore. Its true....
Last year i had a cartica arrest my family throw everything i own away, My sister has my youngest I want him back so badly but because of my health I know it will be wrong and selfish of me to take him back. I have blck outs all the time cause my youngest is full on they are testing him for adhd if anything happen to him in my care i will never forgive myself my oldest lives with his dad I dont mind that much He has a great dad who loves him to pieces abd he seens happy. My sister waves my baby infront of me like bait, my children have suffer enough if i argue back at my sister she tells me how bad i am as a person even if she wants something I have to find away to get it. Its a catch 20 situration
 
December 9, 2005, 12:40 pm CST

whoa now!

Quote From: wkkhf777

 No matter what i do for them i feel it is never good enough they always have to be better than me, I dont argue with them only because i am afraid I always back down. I know I should stand up for myself but if I do they have a way to make every thing look like its my fault. (easy way out I guess)My sister runs me down to make herself look good while she is doing that I have her friends speaking over me its like i dont have a voice. I guess I bring this on myself. 
 Don't start beating up on yourself along with everybody else! That won't get you anywhere! As far as them having to be better than you, is this a true statement? Have you actually confronted them on this attitude ( as in, "why do you always try to make me feel inferior?") or are you basing it on the way you FEEL? (As in thinking: I really stepped in it this time, it just proves I'm inferior, just like everybody thinks I am.) I'm not condemning your feelings here, your emotions are always based on something. But are your feelings based on a notion that is true? Or did you at some point in your life take this attitude erroneously?
Is your sister older than you? If she is, she and her friends might be excluding you because you're the "pest" little sister. Do YOUR friends talk over you also? If they don't, where is the truth that you bring this all on yourself?
You don't mention your age, but I'm guessing you're a teenager? Try reading Jay McGraw's book Life Strategies For Teens. He speaks your language better than I do, and he's very "real." Your school counselor may have a copy to lend if you can't buy it yourself.
 
December 9, 2005, 12:43 pm CST

Well that's one way to handle it,

Quote From: discokitty

you dont bring it on yourself. Dont back down and treat them like they treat you. you teach people how to treat you so stand up for yourself. Who cares what they think becasue they dont care about how you feel or what you think.  Any time anyone talks over you, talk louder and yell if you have to . Start being a massive bitch and i tell you they will be shocked and not mess with you anymore. Its true....
 But you're not apt to win any popularity contests!
 
December 9, 2005, 12:55 pm CST

I guess I didn't read far enough.

Quote From: wkkhf777

Last year i had a cartica arrest my family throw everything i own away, My sister has my youngest I want him back so badly but because of my health I know it will be wrong and selfish of me to take him back. I have blck outs all the time cause my youngest is full on they are testing him for adhd if anything happen to him in my care i will never forgive myself my oldest lives with his dad I dont mind that much He has a great dad who loves him to pieces abd he seens happy. My sister waves my baby infront of me like bait, my children have suffer enough if i argue back at my sister she tells me how bad i am as a person even if she wants something I have to find away to get it. Its a catch 20 situration
 My apologies, I should have read further before replying. Did your family throw everything away while you were in the hospital? Are you dependant on them for health and medical benefits or money for your support? Are the black-outs temperary, will they go away?
For now, I would concentrate on your health and getting better. You can't be the mother you need to be until you are healthy and able to take care of your kids. Make a list of the things you need to do to get your kids back, starting with the steps you need to take to get your health back. Get assistance, if you are eligible, for any training programs so you can prove to your sister, and yourself that you are not a bad person or worthless.
 
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