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Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 395
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?

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July 23, 2005, 6:59 am CDT

Marty & Erin

what's happening with that family as of late? Do the inlaws get to see the baby? Just curious.
 
July 23, 2005, 7:00 pm CDT

Keep photos of past relationships in albums?

What to do with photos of prior relationship

My daughter was married at 22 and had a baby.  The wedding party included many of her younger and distant cousins who loved being in the wedding and getting dressed up in their cute little dresses.  Within a couple years, she had an affair with a man who was also married.  They both split from their spouses and began cohabitating, and produced a child as well.  She is now divorced, but he is not.

 

We have a family website on a commercial server  that is private.  All the members of the website are just those on our (and her) side of the family.  We use it's message board, upload photos, recipes, etc.  It's a great place for the grandparents, too, to keep in touch with all of their children and grandchildren.

 

When she was first married, I uploaded photos of the wedding to the website, especially since every single person on the website was at the wedding, and someone from each of the families was actually IN the wedding.  There's one or two photos of her ex-husband and her with their child.

 

With her new relationship, we have also uploaded 'family' photos of her with her new boyfriend and their baby.

 

My problem is, she doesn't want her current boyfriend to see the wedding photos or any picture on the site that includes her ex-husband.  She asked me to delete them all.  I mulled it over for quite awhile, and had she had no children by her husband, I probably would've obliged.  However, her ex-husband is always going to be a part of her life, and ours, because they have a child together.  I don't think it's fair to their child -- our grandchild -- to delete or remove any photo just because her ex-husband is in it.  I told her I would never display photos of her ex-husband on our walls (and I certainly wouldn't expect her to!), or carry them in our wallets, but to delete them out of our online website (and they are 'buried' way down because there's been 100 or so posted since then)  or remove them from our personal photo albums at home seems wrong.  Their relationship... from when they met, then married, then her affair... lasted about 4 years.

 

I explained to her that unless we married our childhood sweetheart, whatever further romantic relationship we have is always going to come with a bit of our past relationships, and sometimes a bit of baggage as well.  "It was a part of your life.  You loved him at one time and have a beautiful child together".  She openly admits she's a very jealous individual, and says she hates seeing photos of her boyfriends wife, and says her boyfriend (in his mid-30s) would feel jealous, too, if he saw that we kept those photos on our family website, and that he would think we don't want him as part of the family.  (I disagree ... in fact, he even gets along with her ex-husband and sees him frequently when they switch custody of her child)  I also explained to her that I had several boyfriends before I met and married her dad, and they're still in my old photo albums.  My husband's seen them many times and sees nothing wrong with it. 

 

What does anyone out there think?

 
July 23, 2005, 8:33 pm CDT

Photos of prior relationship

What to do with photos of prior relationship

My daughter was married at 22 and had a baby. The wedding party included many of her younger and distant cousins who loved being in the wedding and getting dressed up in their cute little dresses. Within a couple years, she had an affair with a man who was also married. They both split from their spouses and began cohabitating, and produced a child as well. She is now divorced, but he is not.

We have a family website on a commercial server that is private. All the members of the website are just those on our (and her) side of the family. We use it's message board, upload photos, recipes, etc. It's a great place for the grandparents, too, to keep in touch with all of their children and grandchildren.

When she was first married, I uploaded photos of the wedding to the website, especially since every single personon the website was at the wedding, and someone from each of the families was actually IN the wedding. There's one or two photos of her ex-husband and her with their child.

With her new relationship, we have also uploaded 'family' photos of her with her new boyfriend and their baby.

My problem is, she doesn't want her current boyfriend to see the wedding photos or any picture on the site that includes her ex-husband. She asked me to delete them all. I mulled it over for quite awhile, and had she had no children by her husband, I probably would've obliged. However, her ex-husband is always going to be a part of her life, and ours, because they have a child together. I don't think it's fair to their child -- our grandchild -- to delete or remove any photo just because her ex-husband is in it. I told her I would never display photos of her ex-husband on our walls (and I certainly wouldn't expect her to!), or carry them in our wallets, but to delete them out of our online website (and they are 'buried' way downbecause there's been 100 or so posted since then) or remove them from our personal photo albums at home seemswrong. Their relationship... from when they met, then married, then her affair... lasted about 4 years.

I explained to her that unlesswe marriedour childhood sweetheart, whateverfurther romantic relationship we have is always going to come with a bit of our past relationships, and sometimes a bit of baggage as well. "It was a part of your life. You loved him at one time and have a beautiful child together". She openly admits she's a very jealous individual, and says she hates seeing photos of her boyfriends wife, and says her boyfriend (in his mid-30s) would feel jealous, too, if he saw that we kept those photos on our family website, and that he would think we don't want him as part of the family. (I disagree ... in fact, he even gets along with her ex-husband and sees him frequently when they switch custody of her child) I also explained to her that I had several boyfriends before I met and married her dad, and they're still in my old photo albums. My husband's seen them many times and sees nothing wrong with it.

What does anyone out there think?

Yes I do agree with you. You need to tell your daughter that everyday her new partner sees & is reminded of her past when he looks at her child from that other relationship. So does that mean she is going to delete her child to spare this new guy any bad feelings, of course not so why should you or even her for that matter have to take out pictures that really belong in their just because of this child, that is the child's FATHER making his picture that child's family ALWAYS & FOREVER.

Leave those pictures alone they are part of the child's family.

 
July 24, 2005, 5:21 am CDT

I would keep the photos

What to do with photos of prior relationship

My daughter was married at 22 and had a baby. The wedding party included many of her younger and distant cousins who loved being in the wedding and getting dressed up in their cute little dresses. Within a couple years, she had an affair with a man who was also married. They both split from their spouses and began cohabitating, and produced a child as well. She is now divorced, but he is not.

We have a family website on a commercial server that is private. All the members of the website are just those on our (and her) side of the family. We use it's message board, upload photos, recipes, etc. It's a great place for the grandparents, too, to keep in touch with all of their children and grandchildren.

When she was first married, I uploaded photos of the wedding to the website, especially since every single personon the website was at the wedding, and someone from each of the families was actually IN the wedding. There's one or two photos of her ex-husband and her with their child.

With her new relationship, we have also uploaded 'family' photos of her with her new boyfriend and their baby.

My problem is, she doesn't want her current boyfriend to see the wedding photos or any picture on the site that includes her ex-husband. She asked me to delete them all. I mulled it over for quite awhile, and had she had no children by her husband, I probably would've obliged. However, her ex-husband is always going to be a part of her life, and ours, because they have a child together. I don't think it's fair to their child -- our grandchild -- to delete or remove any photo just because her ex-husband is in it. I told her I would never display photos of her ex-husband on our walls (and I certainly wouldn't expect her to!), or carry them in our wallets, but to delete them out of our online website (and they are 'buried' way downbecause there's been 100 or so posted since then) or remove them from our personal photo albums at home seemswrong. Their relationship... from when they met, then married, then her affair... lasted about 4 years.

I explained to her that unlesswe marriedour childhood sweetheart, whateverfurther romantic relationship we have is always going to come with a bit of our past relationships, and sometimes a bit of baggage as well. "It was a part of your life. You loved him at one time and have a beautiful child together". She openly admits she's a very jealous individual, and says she hates seeing photos of her boyfriends wife, and says her boyfriend (in his mid-30s) would feel jealous, too, if he saw that we kept those photos on our family website, and that he would think we don't want him as part of the family. (I disagree ... in fact, he even gets along with her ex-husband and sees him frequently when they switch custody of her child) I also explained to her that I had several boyfriends before I met and married her dad, and they're still in my old photo albums. My husband's seen them many times and sees nothing wrong with it.

What does anyone out there think?

I would keep the photos where they are on the website. It is a memory for their child that they share together. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I am remarried again. I still have my wedding photos from my first marriage in a photo book and that book goes to my daughter when she gets old enough so that she can see that her mom and dad were happy together at one time and plus it is the only photos that she will ever see of her mom and dad together. I really wouldnt worry about what the new boyfriend thinks since after all he is still married. He should be more concerned about divorcing his wife instead of worrying about your daughters ex husbands pictures. Just my thought.
 
July 25, 2005, 10:46 pm CDT

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: jb7ctx

I would keep the photos where they are on the website. It is a memory for their child that they share together. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I am remarried again. I still have my wedding photos from my first marriage in a photo book and that book goes to my daughter when she gets old enough so that she can see that her mom and dad were happy together at one time and plus it is the only photos that she will ever see of her mom and dad together. I really wouldnt worry about what the new boyfriend thinks since after all he is still married. He should be more concerned about divorcing his wife instead of worrying about your daughters ex husbands pictures. Just my thought.
Thanks for your thoughts.  I'm still in a quandry about this.
 
August 11, 2005, 4:18 am CDT

older sister

My sister is 4 1/2 years older than myself. She has always suceeded on higher levels than me- higher grades in school, prettier, taller, married a doctor and lives in a huge home with 3 children, travels extensively etc. I did well in school but never achieved the status she did, married a middle income man who left me for another woman almost 2 years ago, have 2 children who live with me and I adore, live in a modest home that I am paying off gradually. The concern is that I work with my sister and her husband (the doctor) and it has become increasingly difficult to maintain a healthy distance between "family" and "work". My sister wants me and my children to go out to her house every other night. She wants to be aware of all the personal issues that I deal with. Initially I appreciated the support but now I feel that to offer too much can backfire. She and her husband have discussed isssues around me and the children and a few negative comments arose from the doctor to me some time ago. I was very hurt so I slowly retreated from sharing much regarding my personal scenario. Then she got quite upset with me that I had "shut" her out! 

If anyone has similar concerns and have moved beyond this please share some ideas or strategies! I am desparate. 

 
August 11, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

sharing too much.......

Quote From: shermissen

My sister is 4 1/2 years older than myself. She has always suceeded on higher levels than me- higher grades in school, prettier, taller, married a doctor and lives in a huge home with 3 children, travels extensively etc. I did well in school but never achieved the status she did, married a middle income man who left me for another woman almost 2 years ago, have 2 children who live with me and I adore, live in a modest home that I am paying off gradually. The concern is that I work with my sister and her husband (the doctor) and it has become increasingly difficult to maintain a healthy distance between "family" and "work". My sister wants me and my children to go out to her house every other night. She wants to be aware of all the personal issues that I deal with. Initially I appreciated the support but now I feel that to offer too much can backfire. She and her husband have discussed isssues around me and the children and a few negative comments arose from the doctor to me some time ago. I was very hurt so I slowly retreated from sharing much regarding my personal scenario. Then she got quite upset with me that I had "shut" her out! 

If anyone has similar concerns and have moved beyond this please share some ideas or strategies! I am desparate. 

The situation you describe has many issues. I also have a sister who is almost 5 years older, and she has always been a higher achiever then me, not that I didn't try!! Now that we are older, I can see that the reasons she is such a high achiever has alot to do with her being the oldest child, she never wanted to "fail" my parents, she was always trying to make others happy, yet she never got the reaction she wanted, she found that no matter how well she did something, it always seemed like it was never enough to our family. We have talked about this so much that it is regular dinner conversation now. Now, she wishes that she was able to just relax and live her life for herself, she wishes that she didn't try to please others so much. This is valuable insight for me, and I hope it can be for you, also. It seems like your sister has everything a person would ever want, right? Regarding the comments that her husband made that hurt your feelings, I think that you are right to say that you shared too much. Pulling back and not sharing so much is a good idea. Your sister can still be supportive, she doesn't have to know every detail of your life to be a supportive sister. Something else to think about is this: your sister was only trying to help....She probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings, and her husband didn't mean to either its just that men don't know how to say things without it comming out the wrong way. From now on, remember two things, you are not in competition with your sister, and, people only need to know what you tell them. Good luck! 

 
August 12, 2005, 3:41 am CDT

thanking you for the reply

Quote From: jenoc99

The situation you describe has many issues. I also have a sister who is almost 5 years older, and she has always been a higher achiever then me, not that I didn't try!! Now that we are older, I can see that the reasons she is such a high achiever has alot to do with her being the oldest child, she never wanted to "fail" my parents, she was always trying to make others happy, yet she never got the reaction she wanted, she found that no matter how well she did something, it always seemed like it was never enough to our family. We have talked about this so much that it is regular dinner conversation now. Now, she wishes that she was able to just relax and live her life for herself, she wishes that she didn't try to please others so much. This is valuable insight for me, and I hope it can be for you, also. It seems like your sister has everything a person would ever want, right? Regarding the comments that her husband made that hurt your feelings, I think that you are right to say that you shared too much. Pulling back and not sharing so much is a good idea. Your sister can still be supportive, she doesn't have to know every detail of your life to be a supportive sister. Something else to think about is this: your sister was only trying to help....She probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings, and her husband didn't mean to either its just that men don't know how to say things without it comming out the wrong way. From now on, remember two things, you are not in competition with your sister, and, people only need to know what you tell them. Good luck! 

I thank you for your insight. I will try to take the advice.
 
September 8, 2005, 11:00 am CDT

Keep The Photos

Quote From: buckeyegal

Thanks for your thoughts.  I'm still in a quandry about this.

As much as we all have past relationships and perhaps events we might regret, each and every one of those are "what happened" and cannot be erased from our lives or memories. Accepting these events as we make new lives helps me realize that I am a result of all these events, good and bad.  I went through a bitter, ugly divorce that unfortunately, still influences all our lives after seven years. I am now with a wonderful man who lost his wife to cancer. Her picture remains on the family picture wall, and always will. I maintain her gardens and include her daily in my prayers. A picture of my wedding with my beloved father who has passed on, also includes my ex-husband, and is on the family picture wall.  Visitors are often shocked by both pictures currently diplayed in our household. My response, as always, is that both people were a large part of our lives, why should I hide their existence?  I am also blessed to have a mate with the same attitude.  

  

Keep the photos, tell them both to grow up and take a real good look at jealousy. 

 
September 9, 2005, 10:50 pm CDT

Respect Your Daughters Wishes

Quote From: buckeyegal

What to do with photos of prior relationship

My daughter was married at 22 and had a baby.  The wedding party included many of her younger and distant cousins who loved being in the wedding and getting dressed up in their cute little dresses.  Within a couple years, she had an affair with a man who was also married.  They both split from their spouses and began cohabitating, and produced a child as well.  She is now divorced, but he is not.

 

We have a family website on a commercial server  that is private.  All the members of the website are just those on our (and her) side of the family.  We use it's message board, upload photos, recipes, etc.  It's a great place for the grandparents, too, to keep in touch with all of their children and grandchildren.

 

When she was first married, I uploaded photos of the wedding to the website, especially since every single person on the website was at the wedding, and someone from each of the families was actually IN the wedding.  There's one or two photos of her ex-husband and her with their child.

 

With her new relationship, we have also uploaded 'family' photos of her with her new boyfriend and their baby.

 

My problem is, she doesn't want her current boyfriend to see the wedding photos or any picture on the site that includes her ex-husband.  She asked me to delete them all.  I mulled it over for quite awhile, and had she had no children by her husband, I probably would've obliged.  However, her ex-husband is always going to be a part of her life, and ours, because they have a child together.  I don't think it's fair to their child -- our grandchild -- to delete or remove any photo just because her ex-husband is in it.  I told her I would never display photos of her ex-husband on our walls (and I certainly wouldn't expect her to!), or carry them in our wallets, but to delete them out of our online website (and they are 'buried' way down because there's been 100 or so posted since then)  or remove them from our personal photo albums at home seems wrong.  Their relationship... from when they met, then married, then her affair... lasted about 4 years.

 

I explained to her that unless we married our childhood sweetheart, whatever further romantic relationship we have is always going to come with a bit of our past relationships, and sometimes a bit of baggage as well.  "It was a part of your life.  You loved him at one time and have a beautiful child together".  She openly admits she's a very jealous individual, and says she hates seeing photos of her boyfriends wife, and says her boyfriend (in his mid-30s) would feel jealous, too, if he saw that we kept those photos on our family website, and that he would think we don't want him as part of the family.  (I disagree ... in fact, he even gets along with her ex-husband and sees him frequently when they switch custody of her child)  I also explained to her that I had several boyfriends before I met and married her dad, and they're still in my old photo albums.  My husband's seen them many times and sees nothing wrong with it. 

 

What does anyone out there think?

Hi Read Your Email 

  

I would try to find a healthy compromise to the situation....She may need sometime to move on from her mis-take...maybe when she feels ready you can put them back on the website... 

  

I'd say this is more about her than her boyfriend...perhaps feelings of guilt are the main reason... 

  

I'm a person who doesn't keep any photo's of ex's...that's a personal choice...mainly because when it's over it's over... 

  

She's let you know how she feels, perhaps going with her for now will allow her to move on...and in time she may reconsider...If it was me I'd respect my daughters wishes...it was her relationship...and her being happy and her feelings considered is the most important thing  

 
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