Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

My Mil thinks that it's ok to serve alcohol at my son's 1st birthday party and I don't. When she asked me why I didn't think it was ok, I told her that it was because it was my son's party. She rolled her eyes and scoffed! I was so mad!  My husband and I also planned on serving only hamburgers & hotdogs at the party, and MIL thinks that we need to have pork chops as well! She thinks that the "adults" will want "something else." and that "hjamburgers & hotdogs are fine for the kids" Who does she think she is?? When did it become her party anyways? What I'm wondering is if I should put my foot down on this and tell her that there is not to be any alcohol served and that all we are cooking is hamburgers & hotdogs and thats it or should I just let it go?

Oh I would be just as mad, irritated, etc., as you are about all this tax stuff!! This is totally stupid that his father thinks he can get away with this...BUT...you and I know why his father thinks he can get away with this-- its because your husband allows him to. Its unbelievable that this man would actually take money away from his son, practicaly taking food out of his own grandchildren's lives, and think nothing of it. It is unbelievable that your husband is just going to keep allowing this to happen. Your husband isn't working for his father at all at this point, yet his father has said that he is still going to keep this charade going for tax fraud? My only advice is for him (your hubby) to let his father know that he can't do that because he has to file his own taxes and his employee's taxes, and it will get his father in trouble if he does still file that your husband is his partner. I can't imagine what your husband is so "scared" of regarding his parents...it sounds like they are totaly uninvolved in your lives, what does he have to lose? He will be gaining self respect, and that is something you can't put a price tag on, you know?

You always have such good advice for others regarding problems with thier in-laws here on this message board. Can you pretend, just for a few moments, that your posting was someone else's and ask yourself what advice you would give that woman?  I wish you the best, keep your chin up.

Jen

The whole situation happened about a year ago. My husband and I went through a really bad time and almost split up. He has a really bad temper and things got a little bad for a really short time before I stood up and took action. We worked on getting things together and we are now doing great. We just had another baby together and we thought that the past was behind us. My mother-in-law stayed with us for a couple of weeks after our daughter was born. A situation happened that made my mother-in-law think that I was encouraging fear in my son against his dad. This situation was something that she didn't know the whole story. She also accused me of isolating my husband. I got really upset, not only from these accusations, but since I was still pumped up with a bunch of hormones after having my daughter. My mother-in-law got upset with me and is now blaming me for everything. My husband is on my side and is going to be by my side. He thinks she is blowing things up and she needs to settle down and let us live our lives. What happened before was between us and we both got through it.  My husband, in the mean time, is also standing up to her and telling her how he feels (which she blames on me as well)

Other family that has known her for years, has told me that this whole situation has nothing to do with me. I am just the closest thing that she could blame. That she is just upset with loosing control over her son.

But my problem is....how do I get over this anger and hurt that she has caused me? I get so upset when I just hear her name!! I have so many emotions running through me...anger, frustrated, hurt, sadness. How do I deal with this so that I could be around her again. So I could look at her and just smile without ripping her into pieces? How can I just put this behind me and say "let her think whatever about me. My husband is standing next to me. Why do I need you love and kindness?"

Help!!!

Mammagoddess

My Mil thinks that it's ok to serve alcohol at my son's 1st birthday party and I don't. When she asked me why I didn't think it was ok, I told her that it was because it was my son's party. She rolled her eyes and scoffed! I was so mad!  My husband and I also planned on serving only hamburgers & hotdogs at the party, and MIL thinks that we need to have pork chops as well! She thinks that the "adults" will want "something else." and that "hjamburgers & hotdogs are fine for the kids" Who does she think she is?? When did it become her party anyways? What I'm wondering is if I should put my foot down on this and tell her that there is not to be any alcohol served and that all we are cooking is hamburgers & hotdogs and thats it or should I just let it go?

My Mil thinks that it's ok to serve alcohol at my son's 1st birthday party and I don't. When she asked me why I didn't think it was ok, I told her that it was because it was my son's party. She rolled her eyes and scoffed! I was so mad!  My husband and I also planned on serving only hamburgers & hotdogs at the party, and MIL thinks that we need to have pork chops as well! She thinks that the "adults" will want "something else." and that "hjamburgers & hotdogs are fine for the kids" Who does she think she is?? When did it become her party anyways? What I'm wondering is if I should put my foot down on this and tell her that there is not to be any alcohol served and that all we are cooking is hamburgers & hotdogs and thats it or should I just let it go?

This isn't your M-i-L's party.  It's YOUR party for YOUR son.

Ban the alcohol if you want to!  Don't serve ANYTHING you don't want to!

If you want to explain why, that's fine or if you choose not to, that's fine too.

She can scoff and roll her judgmental eyes all she wants, but it doesn't change the fact that it's YOUR house, YOUR son, and YOUR party.

If it bothers you, don't let it go. 

If it's worth it, try and meet her in the middle somewhere. 

Q

My husband has worked with his father in his fathers bussiness ever since he was a teen. He is now in his 30's. We have children. We have been married for almost 7 years now and for the last 6 years, we have never received a tax refund. My husbands gross pay is 600.00/week. His father holds out 100.00/week for child support that my husband owes and 100.00/week for taxes. His bring home pay is 400.00/week. His father claims him as a partner in his bussiness (even though he really isnt). He does this for tax purposes only. His father holds these taxes out of my husbands check but we never get a refund. The tax accountant said that my husbands refund is being rolled over to pay his social security that he owes. (now keep in mind his father holds this money out of my husbands check). So therefore we are not entitled to a refund, we have to pay! my husband told his father last year that he had better send in his taxes so we can get a refund for this year. But guess what? We have to pay again! (actually, we just dont get a refund). Shouldnt his father have to pay us our refund himself since he held the money out of his check? My husband is not a partner with his dad in his dads bussiness. My husband has never received any profits of the money made. His dad does this for his own tax purposes! I feel we are being cheated out of our refund by his father. This year my husband is doing his own bussiness and he has his own employees that he has to pay. He is no longer working for his dad. BUT...his dad is planning on claiming my husband again NEXT year as his partner. He cant do this! My husband is scared to say anything to his dad for some reason. But I am tired of it. We are entitled to unearned income due to the kids, but dont get it because of his father claiming my husband as his partner when he really isnt! How can I get my husband to "open" his eyes as to what is going on, before I decide to leave him because of it? His parents dont have anything to do with us.  They are such control freaks over my husband. They use my husband to their own gain. How can I stop this?

Harobe, glad to see you back! The inlaws came down about 3 weeks ago but did not get out of the truck. They had to get something from my husband. Our kids were walking right in front of the truck and my mil said hey to my son but my son just looked at her and kept on walking. Our daughter was right next to my son and she didnt even say anything to her. I was outside too and the kids were walking to me but mil acted as though she didnt see me, she just kept her head down. It has been 10 months since they spoke to me or even seen the kids. I am tired of them. I am tired and angry especially about the income tax refund! These people dont care about us.

I agree with other posters who tell you that it's your party not MIL's.  However, it might be best if you handle it carefully, otherwise your child's Grandma may not even come to the party.  I am not kidding, some of these control freaks will go to any lengths to get their own way.

You don't want to start some major family rift over some food and drinks at a party.  What I would do is just sort of smile and say "That's a good idea," and then do exactly what you want anyway.  If MIL questions you about it the day of, just say "Oh, yea, we were supposed to get some pork chops, weren't we?"  Or you could say that one of your son's friends at the party is Jewish and can't eat pork, so who can really argue with that one??  If she asks about alcohol, just tell her there was a small budget problem or something.  Surely even she can understand that one coming from a young couple like yourselves with a new family?

After you handle things this way on one or two more occasions, MIL may just take the hint and figure out that her so-called "suggestions" are not wanted.

If you wanted to be really cheeky, you could always make the burgers and dogs for everyone else at the party, but to your MIL serve one perfectly grilled pork chop and a glass of wine.  Just do this when she is in the kitchen and no one else notices.  She will get the idea pretty damn quick!  A wicked idea that would have Miss Manners scolding, perhaps, but honestly these folks can be just like so many overgrown kids!  It is infuriating!

Whatever you decide to do, just don't let this difficult woman spoil your memory of your boy's very first birthday.  It is so special.  I know what this is like, because my daughter's baptism day turned into a nightmare from hell because of my Monster In Law and to this day, I can't think about it without being upset.  Nothing is worth that.

Good luck,

SB