Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

hey,

 so here goes im 16 and my two sisters and i moved in with my mother almost 8 years ago. i haven't spoken to my father because he has some kind of problem with my two sisters and i and i think its because i thinks we chose my mother over him witch isn't the case. i really want to have my father back into my life but its really hard to get him to listen to me and i don't even no where he is living or if he even has a phone anymore.

we moved in with my mom becasue he use to beat my sisters and it got really bad to, he pushed my older sister down the basement stairs before, and also lit her hair on fire, and i remember when me an my other sister got up for school one day and she went passed his girlfriend at the time and she pushed her on the way but she didn't mean it and she told her sorry and his girlfriend in said it was fine. and i came down the steps and saw my father punching my sister in the arms, chest, head, back anywhere he possbily could i quess and then he grabed her up and throw her on to the floor, into the wall, and also she told me and my mother that while this was happening she had 2 black outs while he was throwing her around and hitting her. it was so sad and scary to A) see my sister that upset and bit up and B)to see a father do that to his own child for someone who wasn't even family. hes also called my sister a slut, count, the b word, and hes also called my mother a count as well. 

i never really got called anything or beatin because i was to young and my sister got me out before he could do anything like that.

i know that people say i shouldn't forgive him and stuff but everyone devrse another chance, and i'm not saying i'm going to forget but i'm welling to forgive him if hes welling to work with me to gt back the father and child relationship we once had.

what should i do to find, talk to him dr. phil? 

First off, I am s sorry that you have suffered abuse at the hands of your father.  How tragic and what a waste for him.  What a pathetic, disgusting waste.

It seems to me that you're holding out for some type of resolution or closure.  That is the only reason I can see that you would be thinking about contacting him.  You say he has not changed a bit.  As deeply painful as this is to really internalize, you must accept that.  Sadly, I guess that means letting go of all hope.  Letting go of any expectations from him.  You probably are not going to find any answers.  Some people are just so screwed up and they spread their poison and destroy everything in their path.  I can't imagine the burden and loss of accepting that the person who helped give you life is one of those people. 

This is so huge, I can't even begin to discuss it to give it justice (nor am I qualified).  The only redeeming advice I can give you is to think one good thing about your father:  in creating you as his offspring, he made someone who has the chance to break that cycle of destruction.  Not that you should/could save him, but that you can break the cycle down the blood line and make sure that poison doesn't keep getting passed on down the family genes. 

A good therapist or even Al-Anon type support group might be an asset to you.  If you ever do decide it's necessary to confront him for one final time; I strongly recommend working with a therapist first so you can organize your thoughts and expectations and go about the contact in most constructive manner possible so it doesn't just leave you feeling worse.  Also, they could work w/ you after to discuss his reactions, etc. 

Peace be with you.

My 26 year old son began to act unlike himself.

He was dating a girl and came home repeating everything she said..mimicking her. It seemed as though he was losing his personality in favor of her personality.

My son was normally on the quiet side and easy going. He was a good son, a good student and well respected by his family, friends and people of our community.

One day I began to notice that every time I sat in the same room with him he would get up and leave the room and often he would not look at his father and I during dinner.

He was going to a gym to work out. He developed bad acne, complained about sore knees which he claimed was my fault because he said he felt forced to play hockey when he was younger. His feet were swollen for a while.

He began to walk around the house like a robot. He wasn't himself. I know he lost his feelings for us because he told me so. He lost all his previous interests. He was only focused on his girl. I used to wonder if she was drugging him as he seemed fine when he was not in her company.

Things escalated after he became engaged. His girlfriend stopped talking to us. My son lived at home for another year until he got married. It was a year of hell. My son had many angry outbursts and became violent. He could not be reasoned with. I would have kicked him out but I was not sure if he was on drugs or ill. He spent the year at home accusing us of anything and everything. I felt that he was trying to get kicked out of the house but we didn't give in. I spent the whole year trying to keep the family together and trying to get his girlfriend to come back over to our house. All of our efforts failed. he and his girlfriend were both manipulative. She seemed like she had some kind of control over him that was unnatural. He seemed more like a slave and she was his master and he obeyed her at all costs. My son could not think for himself.

My son walked right out of our lives after he got married. His wedding was a nighmare. After everything we did for him he did not even acknowledge us during the reception and his wife and her family went on and on about how happy they were to finally have a son after 4 girls in their family. His wife is oriental. My son seemed very pleased to be in their family. My son took us out of the wedding pictures and had the video man delete every member of his family from the wedding video. My son's wedding seemed more like a kidnapping than a wedding.

After he was married he began to hang up when we telephoned and stopped replying to emails. He completely shut the door on his entire family and past friends. We tried to go over and make amends but he telephoned the police on us each time we went over and tells the police we are bothering him. He put a restraining order on us at one point because we had gone over 3 times in the same month begging him to attend his sisters wedding. He did not attend.

My son did not attend his grandfathers funeral. It is so sad as he was close to him.

My son and his wife now have 2 boys which we have never seen. He named them after his wife's surname which is unlike him as he used to say that if a girl didn't want his name then she didn't want him either.

I went to his house and asked him if we could see the children and my son told me that I could not see them because I might molest them. I was shocked and asked him if he had ever been abused or molested. I could see the wheels spinning in his head as he had to think about it and then replied. NO; but he didn't connect the the dots.

My son acts like his wife. He talks like her and does anything she wants him too without any concern to how his actions affect anyone else.

It his been 8 years now and I stopped trying, but I do send flowers or a fruit basket on Christmas, Easter and his birthday, other than that I notify him of family deaths and births by email to which he never responds.

I ran into my son a couple months ago while shopping. When he saw me the expression on his face was of utter disgust.

My son used to tell everyone what a great family he had. My life is full of anguish. If anyone has any advice I would be very happy to try another approach.