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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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September 1, 2005, 4:32 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: lorrieannd

I am not sure about the U.S., but here in Canada we have a "Grandparents" law. It was put into place for exactly your reason. I am sure you can find something for your state/province on the internet. Look for "Grandparents Law" or "Grandparents Rights". Good Luck, We are having the same problem with my EX sister-in-law. My parents live in the same town, and have not seen my nefew in over a year. God Bless. Lorrie

  

  

 Well whatever happened, you upset your daughter greatly.  You did not explain what caused the rift, so I dont know if your were being protective, or abusive, but she's the mom and she's got all the power.  Try to remember that in the future.  Meanwhile-- have you tried calling her and talking to her about what happened?  Remember.. Your children will never know how much you love them, until they have kids of their own.  now that she's a mom.. I would say exactly that on her machine, or say "I'm sorry' can we please talk about this ? and she's going to scream, or call you names or freak out.. but keep trying.  Once she gets past mad.. she's goes to fearful, and hurt and then you can start to see the grand kids.  You have to deal with why she deems you evil.  If you say.. reported her for drug use.. then yes, she would see you as evil, but the healthy part of her will see that you were just trying to help.  Again.. you did not explain WHY she thinks your evil.  My mom IS evil.. and you can see my post as to why... Favortism. 

 
September 1, 2005, 4:37 pm CDT

Find out why your "Evil".

Quote From: bmosten

 My daughter is the one who has decided that we are  "evil" and has forbidden us to see our three beautiful grandaughters, ages 13, and twins 9.  Prior to her "meltdown" we were very close.  It has been over a year and a half.  She has threatened us with restraining orders and lawsuits.  Fortunately, our former son-in law and his new wife have been keeping us posted on how the girls are doing and makes sure we get the latest pictures.  He is hoping to reunite us with the girl's but she has brainwashed them and threstened him with more legal action which he cannot afford.  There has to be a solution!
Well whatever happened, you upset your daughter greatly.  You did not explain what caused the rift, so I dont know if your were being protective, or abusive, but she's the mom and she's got all the power.  Try to remember that in the future.  Meanwhile-- have you tried calling her and talking to her about what happened?  Remember.. Your children will never know how much you love them, until they have kids of their own.  now that she's a mom.. I would say exactly that on her machine, or say "I'm sorry' can we please talk about this ? and she's going to scream, or call you names or freak out.. but keep trying.  Once she gets past mad.. she's goes to fearful, and hurt and then you can start to see the grand kids.  You have to deal with why she deems you evil.  If you say.. reported her for drug use.. then yes, she would see you as evil, but the healthy part of her will see that you were just trying to help.  Again.. you did not explain WHY she thinks your evil.  My mom IS evil.. and you can see my post as to why... Favortism. 
 
September 1, 2005, 4:43 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: sun_star

I am new to this board, I am having problems at home, my mother died may 22 she has been gone for only 2 months and since then things got worse at home to the point where I had to leave home, the only reason I stayed home was to take care of my mom, after she past my dad started hitting on my he first talked about my chest then he asked me to sleep with him that really upset me a lot and scarred me. I Left home after that and he doesn't know where I am and I plan to keep it that way. I took him to cort over it and they would not do anything about it I think because I wasn't under age I am 32, but I feel that the only way they would do anything is if he did something to my like rape me and I won't let him. things are hard wright now her birthday is next month and this will be the first time with out her. the only thing I am happy about is that I found a house and will be able to move into it soon but I won't let him find me I also had to change my cell number so he would stop calling plus since I took him to cort he stepped coming to my work that made me scarred to the point that I had to ask one of my managers to walk me out side after work to feel safe, its  sad that I have to live in fear of my Father finding me that is not how I want to spend my life.     

      

Sara     

  

  

Get as far from your father as possible, and treat him like a stalker.  It's sick after your mother dies he wants to have sex with you?  WEIRDO MAN !!  Good for you with the restraining order !  As for the greif over your mom.. Find some on line support groups about Grief, widow support will help, and parent losses.. You lost your father too.. That guy is NOT your "Dad".  Fathers don't do that, weirdo sicko creeps do.  It's NOT normal.  I dont care what he says in his own defense.  You get gone and you stay gone from his life.  Dont let your future kids around him either.  YUCK ! 

 
September 1, 2005, 4:46 pm CDT

AParent alientaition syndrome

Quote From: pamelajep

What about a show on PAS Dr. Phil? I could write the book, it's happening to me again.  first with my older two sons, now with my younger son and daughter after being divorced 3.5 years.

 PAS ? 

  

  I never heard of it.. sounds like what my mother has toward me.  WHY ?  I suspect it's because I am a carrier of my father's DNA.. a man she hates with a passion.  It's the only link I can find between her alienation of me, and my family.  I'll have to look into this PAS thing.  

 
September 1, 2005, 4:55 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: parisienne

Greetings to all: I have a friend (and no, its not me...I am not saying I have a friend when I really mean myself) who is just going off to college.  

  

  

I have known her for years. She and her mother seem to be best friends. Her mother isn't as old as mine, but isn't a young mom either. They have parties at their house and her mother is sort of a "stage mom" throwing extravagant parties for her birthday and back-to-school. The strange thing is that I never see her mother at these parties but maybe at the beginning and then she is gone some where else. Her mother (and my friend) will write extremely sweet devotional letters to one another and since they are the only ones in their family it seemed to be pretty logical to me.  

  

However, when graduation came around (I graduated in 2002 and this girl is a 2004 graduate) her mother released, for a lack of a better word, a press release detailing her daughter's accomplishments and college acceptance letters. She bought all of the teachers that my friend had asked for recommendations from very expensive gifts and gave them certificates recognizing them as "benefactors of her daughter's education". Its like she is a movie star or something and her mom is her personal PR assistant! 

  

I came to realize that this type of thing had been going on the entirety of my friendship with the girl. I don't know why but I wondered why this woman treated her daughter as her own prized poodle on parade...if "Chanel" did win something (like a part in a play, choir solo) then her mother would berate her, and if Chanel was criticized for an article of clothing then she would stop talking to whoever would make the comment. If someone expressed concern that she was focusing too much on her modeling career and didn't study then she would cut them off from being her friend or aquaintence.  

  

An example of this: My mother worked at the school where Chanel went (my alma mater as well). She was a history teacher there (we have sinced moved) and one day Chanel came down the hall with a pretty pink beret on. The rule of the school was that you could have no head covering. My mom told Chanel, "its a really cute beret Chanel, but you know the rules, you have to take it off." Chanel looked at her, took off the hat, turned around and never spoke to my mother again! 

  

  

I have always wondered what it would be like to have a mother who is also my best friend. My mother and I have a good relationship-- we have fun, but she has always maintained that that she will never be my best friend she will always be my mother. Sometimes drawing the line has caused us to have many rows. In the end though I think I am glad that we have very clear boundaries in our relationship. 

  

My question is this: Is it helpful to have a mother that pushes you to look like a super-model, try out acting, singing and other things without focusing on your school work? Her mother also wanted her to wait to go to college because she "wasn't ready to let her go just yet". She has waited a year-- and while that is recommended these days I suppose-- I think it is a bad idea to wait to go to college. 

  

Chanel has never had a job because her mother told her that she was above working the regular jobs that a college student would have (waiting tables, coffee-house). When I expressed my concern to Chanel that her mother was being a bit controlling and whether or not it bothered her she grew very cold.  

  

She yelled and screamed at me that I was jealous because her mother adored her and paid more attention to her than my mom did! I was floored. She said that her mother believed in her and that she wanted her to be a star and everything she could be. This is all well and good, but is it healthy to be so close to your mother that she tells you how to use your talents or when, where, and with whom you should go to college? 

  

I was wondering if anyone could give me some perspective. Chanel and I are no longer friends because I just couldn't take the drama that her mother was putting into our relationship. (apparently I wasn't the sort of person she wanted her daughter to know and she let me know that at every turn) I am concerned for my former friend and wonder if this is healthy. I have a sneaky suspicion that the answer is no? 

  

  

 Wanna Laugh?  Try to imagine being MARRIED to Chanel?  Can you imagine that poor guy with a mother in law like that ?  Be glad she's gone... OMG !!  

 
September 1, 2005, 5:17 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: openarms

My husband and I have fought from day one to share custody of his daughter with his ex.  My hubby gave the ex sole custody in 2002, thinking if it shuts her up then he'll give her the title, even though we were the ones who did everything for his daughter, I mean everything!  Now the ex has decided that she wants to move an hour away which will eliminate our access from 3 or 4 days a week to every second weekend.  I felt as I could not let our family be torn apart and I have been so angery at my hubby for the decision WE made to just let her have the title of sole custody.  All the lawyers that we have spoken with tell us that it is a waste of money and because she has went for court costs in the past she will do it again.  We have recently filed for bankruptsy due to all the lost money and unpaid bills due to legal fees.  We have a 2 year old son together and I cannot offer him alot of things because of the expenses of court costs.  I wish we could just get along with hubbys ex and agree for "our" daughters sake, it is hurting everyone, especially the kids.  I need advise, do I give up and just let our daughter go with her mom and visit every other weekend, or should I end the fighting, even though it will mean less benifits for my step-daughter and try to peice back together my broken little family.  My hubby depends on me to help him make these choices, i'm scared to make the choice and regret it when it's too late.  I want a peacful life, no fighting and arguing, with hubby or his ex, but having my step-daughter just come over every second weekend will hurt us so badly, especially my 2 year old son who idiolises her.  Any advise for a young broken family?

  

  Kids adjust, and how well they adjust is ruled by how well the ADULTS in their lives treat eachother. I'm a mom on the other side of the fence and I have a primary care split with my ex,  

and we work very hard at keeping a peace between us. I live over a hundred miles away and we split the transportation issues 50/50 as well.  We all have our individual hurdles, but  making it your business to "to help him make these choices" Is not your job, just as is it not my ex's girlfriends to get involved in our parenting issues with our son.  That just adds to more discontent, and more chaos for the adults to fight over and the kids to deal with.  Your frustration is leaking out and the children can sense it when you argue with your husband over his ex wife.  You did not mention how old the girl is, but I'll bet in a few years she will be able to say who she wants to live with full time.  Find out what the age limit is in your state.  My ex has too many incompetent goof ups for me to worry about him doing that to me in our son's case, but you better make sure your ex does not have any skeletons in his closet either before you attempt it again.  

 
September 1, 2005, 5:24 pm CDT

Why can't you let it go ?

Quote From: steph1972

My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go?

  

  

 Because YOU have not chosen to let him go. Understand the little girl inside of you.. the one he abandoned- still wants her ideal dad.  My mother.. my real mom.. the mom who was my defender, and happy to have me. Died.  So in death we are forced to let go.  If I were you.  I would send any letters back unopened. I would delete the e-mails and I would go on as if he were dead.  he is in heave now with his new wife and "kids".  so let him be in heaven. Litterally, and Figuratively. 

 
September 1, 2005, 5:31 pm CDT

Bi-Polar Disorder

Quote From: tammyo1973

My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so.

Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her...

I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up.

Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it,

I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all.

Am I wrong?

  

  

 is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Affecting mood, and if I were you-- I would find whatever I could on the topic, and mail it to them to educate them.  Now, don't send long winded, over explanatory things.  Short topic stuff only.  Remember they come from a class and age that is not in this world anymore and yes they think "You cooked her, your ruined her".  "God fixes everything if you pray enough' because that's what they were taught.  So you educate your parents about the disorder, and when they ask about her.. You say one word "UNBELIEVABLE" and it fits any situation.. try it on.. "UNBELIEVEABLE"... unbelieveablely good.. or unbelievably bad.. it works.  and if you don't want to answer any further questions.. Just practice a short paragraph... "So how is Amy ? Unbelivable"  oh? How so?  "Oh you know kids today.. all the ususal stuff".   Trust me, by the 3rd time they ask.. they will figure out thre is not reall news or change.  Try it.  and get your self a book called "Light her fire" by ellen Kreidman.. it's helps you deal with all kinds of situations-- it's a relationship-self help book.  

 
September 1, 2005, 5:53 pm CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: trinket

  

  

 Well whatever happened, you upset your daughter greatly.  You did not explain what caused the rift, so I dont know if your were being protective, or abusive, but she's the mom and she's got all the power.  Try to remember that in the future.  Meanwhile-- have you tried calling her and talking to her about what happened?  Remember.. Your children will never know how much you love them, until they have kids of their own.  now that she's a mom.. I would say exactly that on her machine, or say "I'm sorry' can we please talk about this ? and she's going to scream, or call you names or freak out.. but keep trying.  Once she gets past mad.. she's goes to fearful, and hurt and then you can start to see the grand kids.  You have to deal with why she deems you evil.  If you say.. reported her for drug use.. then yes, she would see you as evil, but the healthy part of her will see that you were just trying to help.  Again.. you did not explain WHY she thinks your evil.  My mom IS evil.. and you can see my post as to why... Favortism. 

  

  

OOPS...I have done this before too. LOL  It is very good, your perspective, I hope she sees it. 

 
September 1, 2005, 6:28 pm CDT

help...

ok...i have 5 people in my family~my parents fight all the time...when they do i either go upstairs & turn the music on loud or cry..depending how bad it is~my dad swears @ my mom & they yell back & forth for a long time~i feel like im in the middle & i cant do anything 2 help...im just a kid & i want my parents 2 get a divorce!!!!..i hate it soooooo much when they fight..y cant we just have a 'perfect' family...its tering me apart!!!~& i also feel like my dad hates me cuz hes called me hermet..dope..jerk...bi***...fat(which im not)..& many more~who in the right mind would wanna do this 2 a child???...everybody thinks i have a great family...well they havent seen what happens in the house~i just wish this could stop!!!
 
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