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Topic : Toxic Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 1900
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:00 am
Author : dataimport
Whether it stems from substance abuse, violence or manipulation, some family relationships are harmful and need to be terminated until the abuse stops. Are you involved in a toxic relationship?

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September 1, 2005, 6:33 pm CDT

Hey You

Quote From: tammyo1973

My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so.

Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her...

I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up.

Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it,

I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all.

Am I wrong?

  

  

   You know why they don't get it? 1) They know it as Manic Depressive (MD), and people were put into institutions or took their own lives when they heard the words MD. The new name, BP DOES NOT take away the STIGMA of MD.. I HAD an aunt by marriage, who was dxt BP(Manic Depressive) in 1980. She took her own life, she was only 25 and had two small girls, She was my favorite, we were close in age...she listened,I miss her. So when I ask my family for answers, They tell me it is too difficult to talk about, I am always put off, or We don't talk about this stuff. I know it is sad to think of my aunt now, but can't they open up just for me? NOT Lets just say..They didn't have Dr. Phil or Oprah LOL. 

                                  2) They are afraid that if they acknowledge Her disease, they fear being blamed for the sickness. Or their fears of "catching" IT, there are people who don't know any better, and those that do.  

 Take it slow and listen to your GUT. I Know you are in tune with yours. Trust yourself to make the right decisions, not for Them...for YOU and YOURS. You take care sweetie, I'll see you on the flip side. Take care and God  Bless Lorrie 

 
September 2, 2005, 9:02 am CDT

How old are you/?

Quote From: kaylee1985

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE COMEING FROM I AM AN ONLY CHILD MY PARENTS CANT STAND EACH OTHER AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY THEY BOTHER STAYING TOGEATHER. I DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM I COOK THREE MEALS A DAY I DO THERE LAUNDRY PUT IT UP IRON ETC.I VACUUM CLEAN I EVEN LAY THERE CLOTHES OUT FOR WORK I NEVER GET  A THANK YOU OF ANY SORTS IN FACT ALL I EVER GET IS COMPLAINTS LIKE THATS NOT WHAT I WANTED FOR BREAKFAST THEYLL EVEN GO AS FAR TO THROW IT OUT AND MAKE ME MAKE THEM WHAT THEY WANT ITS JUST SO FRUSTRATING AND THEY DONT EVEN SEEM TO UNDERSTAND I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY FREEDOM I CANT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ASKING AND EVEN THEN THE ANSWER IS NO I  DONT GET TO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN OR EVEN BE IN CONTROL OF THE LITTLE ONE I DO HAVE THEN MY MOTHER WONDERS WHY I CANT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

  

  

  You don't mention how old you are.. and why your the family slave.  Cooking cleaning and housekeeping?  Did you know that what your mentioning in this post in some states is considered child abuse ? Again. it depends on how old you are.  To quote you "THEYLL EVEN GO AS FAR TO THROW IT OUT AND MAKE ME MAKE THEM WHAT THEY WANT"  That is abuse.  People do that in restraunts, not to their children.  

  

  

   You don't mention if they are in some way incapacitated that they cannot cook, or do laundry, or if they work.   Having a child in the home, does not mean you get to make the child a "Domestic Helper". aka Maid, laundress, cook, ect without pay or appropriate compensation.   "What little life you do have"  Does that mean you attend school? Have a job ? Are you allowed friends over ? 

  

  If I were to take you post at face value, I'd be filing a complaint with the department of child welfare and social services.  In some cultures, the youngest child, or the only child is used to care for the parents in this manner as a domestic and nurse. Some cases the child started this work at as young an age as 6.   It is illegal in the united states.  Again, you did not mention how old you are, or if your parents are able to care for themselves and do the jobs that you do for them.  

  

 Not that it would change anything.  using you in this way is morally and ethically wrong also.   

 
September 2, 2005, 9:05 am CDT

Sites to help

Quote From: lorrieannd

  

  

   You know why they don't get it? 1) They know it as Manic Depressive (MD), and people were put into institutions or took their own lives when they heard the words MD. The new name, BP DOES NOT take away the STIGMA of MD.. I HAD an aunt by marriage, who was dxt BP(Manic Depressive) in 1980. She took her own life, she was only 25 and had two small girls, She was my favorite, we were close in age...she listened,I miss her. So when I ask my family for answers, They tell me it is too difficult to talk about, I am always put off, or We don't talk about this stuff. I know it is sad to think of my aunt now, but can't they open up just for me? NOT Lets just say..They didn't have Dr. Phil or Oprah LOL. 

                                  2) They are afraid that if they acknowledge Her disease, they fear being blamed for the sickness. Or their fears of "catching" IT, there are people who don't know any better, and those that do.  

 Take it slow and listen to your GUT. I Know you are in tune with yours. Trust yourself to make the right decisions, not for Them...for YOU and YOURS. You take care sweetie, I'll see you on the flip side. Take care and God  Bless Lorrie 

Lorrie.. 

  

  

   Check out  Dougy.org  and Kidsaid.com... these are sites that help kids deal with the issues you mention in your post.  Pass them on too.  

 
September 2, 2005, 9:16 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

Quote From: hurtingurl

ok...i have 5 people in my familymy parents fight all the time...when they do i either go upstairs & turn the music on loud or cry..depending how bad it ismy dad swears @ my mom & they yell back & forth for a long timei feel like im in the middle & i cant do anything 2 help...im just a kid & i want my parents 2 get a divorce!!!!..i hate it soooooo much when they fight..y cant we just have a 'perfect' family...its tering me apart!!!& i also feel like my dad hates me cuz hes called me hermet..dope..jerk...bi***...fat(which im not)..& many morewho in the right mind would wanna do this 2 a child???...everybody thinks i have a great family...well they havent seen what happens in the housei just wish this could stop!!!

  

  

  Do this.  Plan an overnight at someone's house.  Then write your parents EACH a letter -- maybe a copy of the post you wrote, and give each parent a copy.  This way, YOU are safely out of the house while they read and absorb your "IMPACT Statement.   

  

  In a murder case, the family of the victim is allowed to write something to the court, to express how the loss of their loved one has affected them.  Your parents are killing eachother with words, and you too.  

  

  Honestly-- they don't want you to hear them arguing, but they get so frustrated, they begin to not care that you can hear them, so maybe if you told them what the "IMPACT" on you is, they may seek help.  

  

  Alot of people are under this idea that if they stay together "for the kids" they are doing the kids a favor, and you and I know better.  However, if you don't tell your parents how you feel, and they expressing their anger at you also-- how will they know the damage they cause?  

  

  Yeah, they'll probably get mad, but can it get any worse ? Can your dad call you any worse than he already has?  They will get over it, and it will help them to open their eyes that the damage they are doing is not just to eachother.  

  

 Try it.. and remember, when you write it or copy you post from here...try to come up with ideas for them to try expressing their opinions better.  Like in a councelors office, or with divorce attorney's.  

outside in the car-- over the phone.   Give them other avenues to avoid hurting you.. and the dogs ears any further.  

 
September 2, 2005, 9:26 am CDT

In 20 years

Quote From: dynasty

Hi Dr.Phil,

  My parents have been married for 22 years. They started dating when they were only 12. My brother was born when they were 17. They had my sister when they were 22 and me when they were 25.  Although my parents have been together for so long, their entire lives is a complete mess.  You see, my father is anything but a loving father and husband. In fact , he's the complete opposite.  I do admit he has been the primary financial supporter of the family, but that is all he has provided.  When I think of my father, I think of a liar, adulterer, and wife beater. For as long as I can remember, my father has been unfaithful to my mother. In fact, he has two kids outside of the marriage. (Their mother is his cousin)  What makes my father infidelity so bad is that he thinks nothing is wrong with it. He has never tried to hide his affairs.  For example, When i was little my mother had several nervous breakdowns, instead of my father allowing my siblings and I to stay with family, we were forced to live with one of his girlfriends.  His affairs are so bad, that we can't go anywhere without running into one of his mistress.  For example, while at my mother's niece wedding, a lady kept staring at me, finally my sister told me she was a fling of my  father's.  What's even worse than his affairs is his abuse.(mentally and physically) My father has always cursed my mother out and called her terrible names.  He was very physically abusive when I was little and then he kind of toned it down.  Just the other day he slapped my mother. When my sister threatened to call the cops, we all got into a verbal confrontation. He's now angry and hasn't talked to my sister or I in days. I am 17 years old and will be entering college in august.  He told me that he will not be of any financial assistance to me. I'm am the only one of his five children to go to college.  He told me to consider him dead.  I don't know what to do.

  

  

 He asked that you consider him dead because you wanted to call the police because he hit your mom? 

  

  Okay- consider him dead.  You have mom, you have other family.  Poof he does not exist. 

Give him exactly what he asked for. Go to college, make a life you are proud of.  

  

One day when your a mom-- and you know how he is, and you want to protect your kids from his abuses, and mistresses.. and you don't call him to see your kids.  He will be mystified as to why. he call you ungrateful, tell you that you must apologize.  

  

  For fun, bring it to his attention.  Say "Okay dad, your dead, but dont expect your ghost to be invited over when I have kids of my own".  Make him think about that.  

  

  

 People like this man, and my mother, and others, who refuse to be responsible for what they do wrong to other people-- Lose out in the end.  He will be ANGRY, and old and alone, and I'm willing to bet that just as soon as you kids are all out on your own, settled into your own little families-- you mom will be taking off as well.  You'll see.  

 
September 3, 2005, 1:20 pm CDT

Controlling, Over Protective Parents!

Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now.  I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.   

  

My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it!  They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005.  My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.   

  

My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship.  He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only.  My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.   

  

Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other.  However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship.  I am tired of it and don't know how to change things! 

  

When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case!  They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.   

  

Any comments would be appreciated!   

 
September 3, 2005, 10:52 pm CDT

Who Wants to Help?

I do not know what else to odo, I am so sick of lies and false promises. I do not even know where to begin...I guess first of all, I am a 13 year old only child with both of my parents still together, they can barely stand eachotehr, I do not know why they bother. My dad has an anger problem, and my mom has an alcohol problem. My parents never really taught me HOW to clean, (that sounds like a lame excuse, but I don't know where anything goes in our house) My Parents constantly complain about me not doing work around here, Dad is never home, he works alot, and mom is just lazy and hippocritical. They yell for me to keep my room clean, but if a cat throws up in her room, she waits for "someone else" to clean it, and out of pride from dad, and my squimishness, it stays there for 2 weeks sometimes. They are always fighting about money, "mom spends money on beer, Dad spends money on unnecessary items" etc... I have ask mother numerous times to get us a counselor, get me appointments with doctors such as a dermatologist, dentist, orthodontist, etc... She was also supposed to sign me up for 3 sports, which I am too late for, and I've even asked to go back to church, and we will, she promises. Well, it is about 12:30 and mom came home, we got in a fight, and she told me "you both can go to hell" i confronted her and shes like "I never said that" but I heard her, and I wouldn't put it past her. I have ran away a few times, I have cut, I throw up, and after all that, I still manage to be one of the most recognized students by the faculty at my middle school. I do not know where else to turn, these are only a few of my problems. But for now- I will stick with this, and to leave you all one more note to comment on about how screwed up I am, and what a drain on society my family is, I, THE KID think my parents do not set enough boundarys, are not strict/tough enough on me, and I hate how I have lost all respect, I curse in front of my parents half the time, do not get yelled at. They don't try to teach me it is wrong. They figure just bcuz I am student council, High Honors, and National Junior Honor Society, I won't get into any trouble, but I have been cutting for a year, and throwing up for 6 months, no one has even gotten wind. I do not even remember the last time either of them sat down to talk about my life, and actually tried to get me to talk about it. I have never had the drug talk, never had the alcohol chat, and never had the sex lecture. Never--- But for some reason- after all the award winning parenting I get, mommy dearrest still has to say how terrible my friends are.  Please remember before you call social services, I am an angry teen, you are getting one side of the story, and I am not in any immediate danger. Please, help me, somebody, anybody... Thank you for listening...  

-me  

(ps. it really sux, ive been throwing up for 6 month, and Im still at least 10 pounds overweight)  

 
September 4, 2005, 12:56 pm CDT

A caring parent

Quote From: tomcsik51

I do not know what else to odo, I am so sick of lies and false promises. I do not even know where to begin...I guess first of all, I am a 13 year old only child with both of my parents still together, they can barely stand eachotehr, I do not know why they bother. My dad has an anger problem, and my mom has an alcohol problem. My parents never really taught me HOW to clean, (that sounds like a lame excuse, but I don't know where anything goes in our house) My Parents constantly complain about me not doing work around here, Dad is never home, he works alot, and mom is just lazy and hippocritical. They yell for me to keep my room clean, but if a cat throws up in her room, she waits for "someone else" to clean it, and out of pride from dad, and my squimishness, it stays there for 2 weeks sometimes. They are always fighting about money, "mom spends money on beer, Dad spends money on unnecessary items" etc... I have ask mother numerous times to get us a counselor, get me appointments with doctors such as a dermatologist, dentist, orthodontist, etc... She was also supposed to sign me up for 3 sports, which I am too late for, and I've even asked to go back to church, and we will, she promises. Well, it is about 12:30 and mom came home, we got in a fight, and she told me "you both can go to hell" i confronted her and shes like "I never said that" but I heard her, and I wouldn't put it past her. I have ran away a few times, I have cut, I throw up, and after all that, I still manage to be one of the most recognized students by the faculty at my middle school. I do not know where else to turn, these are only a few of my problems. But for now- I will stick with this, and to leave you all one more note to comment on about how screwed up I am, and what a drain on society my family is, I, THE KID think my parents do not set enough boundarys, are not strict/tough enough on me, and I hate how I have lost all respect, I curse in front of my parents half the time, do not get yelled at. They don't try to teach me it is wrong. They figure just bcuz I am student council, High Honors, and National Junior Honor Society, I won't get into any trouble, but I have been cutting for a year, and throwing up for 6 months, no one has even gotten wind. I do not even remember the last time either of them sat down to talk about my life, and actually tried to get me to talk about it. I have never had the drug talk, never had the alcohol chat, and never had the sex lecture. Never--- But for some reason- after all the award winning parenting I get, mommy dearrest still has to say how terrible my friends are.  Please remember before you call social services, I am an angry teen, you are getting one side of the story, and I am not in any immediate danger. Please, help me, somebody, anybody... Thank you for listening...  

-me  

(ps. it really sux, ive been throwing up for 6 month, and Im still at least 10 pounds overweight)  

Hi, when I read your posting it broke my heart.  I am a Mom of 3 teenage daughters who chose 3.5 years ago to live with their Dad and step-mother.  The situation there is nasty, but they made such a fuss about never wanting to live with me again that I don't think their pride will let them change that.  But when I talk to them I get the same frustrations and pain as I hear in your letter.  I wish I could be there for you and give you a big hug.  You honestly don't have to go through this alone!!!  I can gaurentee you that there is someone out there who loves you!!  You sound very mature, even if you are rather angry. You talked about wanting counselling but they won't take you.  There are resources in most cities that are available to teenagers be themselves.  Like a teen help line, a local youth group or even an Al-Ateen..( A support group for kids with an alcoholic parent).  I know sometimes this is hard to do, but I think you have turned to the right place with this website!  

  You may not be in any immediate physical danger, but your emotional wellbeing is a stake!.... Find someone to talk to!!!!  I can be a caring substitute parent for you from a distance......but my goal is not to fill their role, rather to help you get healed enough that you stop taking their inadequacies out on yourself.  Under all that garbage there is a pretty good chance they love each other and you, they just honestly don't know how to handle it.  You are wise to say that this is just one side of the story, but it is your side......and even if you are not 100% innocent...because we rarely ever are....your fellings are still valid.   I want to see you strenghtened so that you can not just survive your teen years, but come out the other end a well adjusted healthy adult capable of making wise decisions.....even if your parents never get there themselves!  Please post me a reply.  I care very much and would not like for you to fall between the cracks.   Donner  

 
September 4, 2005, 4:01 pm CDT

over protective parents...

Quote From: lissbaby

Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now.  I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.   

  

My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it!  They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005.  My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.   

  

My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship.  He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only.  My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.   

  

Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other.  However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship.  I am tired of it and don't know how to change things! 

  

When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case!  They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.   

  

Any comments would be appreciated!   

You are 24 years old and your parents are running your life? That sounds totaly TOXIC. I'm sure that when your parents said that the curfew was more for the respect of others in the house, that was partly true- like maybe 5% true- the other 95% of the reason is control over you.  

What would happen if you didn't come home at curfew, if you said to them, listen, I'm 24 years old, I'm going to visit my boyfriend, and I'll be home by tomorrow? Are you afraid that they will kick you out of the house or something? Do they threaten to throw you out if you don't follow the rules? Just curious about that, I hope that isn't the case.  

As a parent myself, I give my children curfews and rules to follow so that they become responsible, mature adults. You already are an adult. You aren't asking to much, you just want a little freedom. You could have called when you got to your boyfriends house to let them know you are okay. There isn't anything that they can do to make you experienced enough to drive an hour away- you just DO IT, and then you are experienced.  

I wish you the best. Speak up for yourself. Living with your parents, its reasonable that they have rules, but they shouldn't be telling you where you can or can't go.  

 
September 5, 2005, 4:43 pm CDT

Tough Love

Quote From: lissbaby

Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now.  I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.   

  

My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it!  They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005.  My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.   

  

My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship.  He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only.  My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.   

  

Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other.  However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship.  I am tired of it and don't know how to change things! 

  

When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case!  They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.   

  

Any comments would be appreciated!   

  

  

  you have two options.  

  

  

 Move out to become the grown up, to live the life of a grown up who makes their own choices u spite of what your parents want, think or feel-- it's the plus side of self sufficiency 

  

  OR.... 

  

  Stay living with your parents and live by their rules and whims. 

  

 From your post you paint your parents as paranoid.. why is that ??  

  

 Tell the truth, they can tell you not to drive, because you did not buy your own car-- they did.   

  

 if your boyfriend cares to keep the relationship-- he will understand.  he's been living it since 2001 as it is.  

  

  

 Sorry, I can't feel much pity for you since I have been out on my own since I was 18.  I am the 41 year old mother of 2 kids now.  if you were my daughter.  You'd be  graduated to a full time job, and out of my house by now ! 

  

  Be a grown up, or live by what your parents want.  Those are your choices.  

 
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