|
September 16, 2007, 8:13 am PDT
Does age matter...
I was married and yes I was the December...he was 12 years younger than me. It was the most horrific experience of my life. 13 years of pure insanity. i met a wonderful person, would not tell me his age because I was not going to get involved with another younger man. My husband 2 years prior was 7 years younger and broke my heart because he left after 6 months, because marriage just was not what he thought it would be. That is another story...so we had a blind date at the very start of the 13 years of hell on Earth. Long story short I tried to get free so many times from his controlling ways, violent behavior, and physical abuse, verbal abuse after a black eye caused the world to see what was going on behind those doors....We have two wonderful boys, that I wanted to get away from the chaos, and finally did...but I am living far away to give us all peace from the constant suicide threats, and it is all my fault and look what you did to me. Never a warmer giver of gifts, he was that. But it was the way he showed love, not anything could be out of his control because it was the only way that things worked out right....in our world. Now our boys are a bit scarred, I heart the tones, and words that they grew up with...but everything had to be lost in my life to get free. Lost the house, the car. credit is absolutely ruined because everything was in my name. But it was worth getting the boys free. I could be free sure, but they still had to be in his clutches on his weekends. Many times the oldest one that lookes exactly like him came home with a swelled lip, because he tried to have an opinion. They would say, Mom we have to check our brain at the door to go to Dads. He had the money to provide for them, and they tried when our life was at a very low spot due to my unemployment, I gave up a 40K job because I was near loosing my mind and I could not do the new job they gave me due to all the stress at home....but they went to live with Dad, and begged to come back because of his tyrant ways. Yes, I am soft, loving and nurturing, that was my job according to him, his job was to be the tough guy getting them ready for life....Arguing with him was impossible, he could talk his way around me and if I answered the fight would go on for another 4 hours. It was a May December relationship, that did not look weird, as I look younger than my age...many thought it had to be for the testerone of a younger man...many times I said this is like living with my mean younger brother because sex did not happen....because I did not act right...so I know that was not it. Love could have been there, but fear and a constant state of hysteria was. So now I have been free for 4 years and have not dated past maybe a dinner, I said no one prepared me for being single more than my marriage. I imagine there are nice men out there but my sons will not have a negative influience in their lives, and really they want a man in mine that they can look up to....but I just can't bear to try. I let myself stay as ugly as I could so he would not want to be near me, did not work. I tried to be pretty, did not treat me any different. We were always brought down to an unhappy level because who is allowed to be happy with an uphappy person at the helm....so I say to you...Age was not the issue....it was the Jeckyl and Heyde person that was there....Noone that "knows" him would ever believe that he was such a person, because noone else ever saw it. And he is now...as he says...dying of congestive heart failure and it is my fault...for trying to stop the cycle of mania that they lived all of their young lives. Today they are 15 and 12 and we struggle daily to keep the good feelings growing. Believing in God has been what has helped me, and I don't do enough to give the boys a good Christian life, but they both read the Bible and are good boys. It was just not a good experience, but I love my boys and we are together, and will continue to just keep trying. It is really hard to decide what is best when children are involved but in my heart for them I know that getting far away was their only saving grace.
|