Topic : 09/21 Does Age Matter?

I met a very nice,open and honest guy last September in Vegas who is a professional musician. His name is Mike. I met him backstage after the set he did and he made his way over to me and it seemed we hit it off right off the bat. He was very kind and considerate. We started talking like we were longtime freinds even though we just met! We found we had alot in common and he didn't mind the fact I was there with my freind Tim, they met and got along great! Age never came up during that night. We exchanged business cards (I'm a cartoonist/videographer). He sent an e-mail while my freind and I were still on our vacation. Since then we have sent LOTS of e-mails regarding things we believe in, our jobs, our values and outlook on life. Age came up during our third phone call. I could care less he is 15 years older than me. But once in a while I think there would be some pluses if he was 7-8 years younger but you can't reverse time! We have SO much in common it's like he's a clone of me! But enough differences it makes it interesting. I love the era he grew up in and myself have always dated older guys. I have been told many times I should have been born in the 50's. I drive a 56' Mercury wagon! We have the exact same viewpoints alot of people my age don't have. Who my age likes Howdy Doody?!  Neither of us has been married or have kids, and we don't want kids either. He lives in Ohio and I'm in California. We talk for hours on the phone every other day and NEVER run out of conversation. He is so caring (He's a social worker also) and puts up woth my worries, nagging and REALLY understands me! ) Most guys would have left me by now! He wants to get out of Ohio and is thinking of moving out to Oregon where I want to move to. My aunt was married to my dad's brother and there was a 20 year difference between them and they had the BEST marriage you cound think of! I guess it depends who you are. I guess a certain amount of an age difference should not matter if you two are happy and love each other!

      I dont think there was a problem with your age difference. A 5 or 5.5 year difference is really not a big deal. The areas where it may create problems is with a 10, 15 ,or 20 or more age difference. Keep in mind with certain people that may be a problem. Some people may think your scum with a 5.5 age difference or more. Its a very controversial topic............

    I'm not trying to pick on women at all but I think its being put in a bad position when married with a big age difference. Suddenly a husband die and  then a whole load of debt and children come tumbling down. with no husband and no plan for a future........

       I also know this can be reversed that the woman be much older and an man be younger can create same problems..........

Yes, I think age matters alot when you're young(under 25), but as you get older it becomes less of a factor.  What is more important is if both parties are on the same page in other areas.  I'd like to tell a story, it will probably be too long...but...

I have a pretty 21 y/o daughter(dd) who recently got out of a relationship with a 34 y/o man who has 4 children by 3 different women.  They met at work, she is a personal trainer and he was in upper mgmt, and started calling and texting constantly, etc from the moment he met her, even though he had a live-in g/f.  In the beginning they worked at different locations, and my dd worked with his g/f.  Within 2 mos, he transferred to her location, and had his g/f transferred away.  He began telling guys who were interested in her to stay away, etc.

3 mos after he transferred, his g/f dumped him, and that's when the REAL problems started.  Before we even realized, he practically moved in with dd and her g/f.  His calling was obsessive and stalking in nature, ie: she would visit us and it was not unusal for him to call 4-5 times, and text 10-12 in a 2 hr period.  As we figured things out, hubby and I talked with her about how it's never a good idea to be involved with upper mgmt at work, and especially a bad idea to be the rebound girl.  We might as well have been talking to the tree in the front yard.....within 2 mos of dating, he was declaring his love for her, and he had isolated her to him.  He would go to her work and wait for her to get off, he would whine if she wanted to go to Walmart without him, he would even go to the computer room at college and sit while she finished assignments.  Once, she was sick and came to our house, and he called every hr on the hr, and texted in between.  After about 4 mos of dating, he was short of cash one morning, and asked to use her credit card.  She gave it to him, and forgot all about it, since she never used it.  When the bill came in, he'd charged almost $1800 in ONE MONTH.  She freaked out, and he cried, and promised he'd pay it off....well another billing cycle  and $1700 worth of charges later, he still hadn't paid anything, and she cancelled the card, but wasn't able to file fraud charges, b/c 2 billing cycles had gone by.  He had been taking the card from her wallet periodically, and since she never used it, she had no idea(chalk that up to pure stupidity).  Did I mention that he makes around 100K - why would he NEED her card?  She broke up with him in August, (it took her 3 times to finally leave), after she found out about that 4th child mentioned earlier, seems he forgot to tell her about that one..he'd gotten a girl pregnant while his WIFE was 8 mos pregnant with his 2nd child...His 1st child is by a college sweetheart, or so he says.  He gave up his rights to the 1st child and the 4th child.  While she was trying to break it off, he was pretending to talk with his pastor(he doesn't even go to church, but she does..), and was giving her all these letters that had things his pastor had supposedly said, you could tell he'd printed it off the internet.  I won't even go into some of the stories about this...I think ya'll get the picture...

DD ended up quitting her job, as he managed to get her tranferred to a facility much farther from where she lives.  She left the area and took a temp position in another state just to get away.  She is now back, has a new job in a different field, but eventually I think she will end up back in personal training, that is her passion.  She had to drop one college class b/c of missed labs.  She did get him to agree the charges on her card were made by him, and he signed a 'contract' saying he would pay it back, but has yet to give her any money.  She sent a demand letter, and plans to take him to small claims court if necessary.  I'm sure she will never collect, but I think it's just a statement she needs to make to prove to herself that she can stand up to him.  She is happier than I've seen her in months, b/c even though she was only with him as a g/f for about 7 mos, he was in her life controlling her from the moment she went to work there. 

DD is casually dating again, and has met a guy that's 31.  I still feel he is a bit old for her, but he's not been married, has no children, doesn't have a live in g/f, hasn't asked to use her CC, isn't trying to keep her from her friends and family, etc.  To us, he looks like a diamond, compared to what we had - a lump of coal...

thanks for listening.....

Hi, I met a wonderful gu who has virtually everything in common with me especially music and the love of the 50's and 60's stuff since that was the era he grew up in. I LOVE all of that and hold the same values amy parents do. We get alnong so well, and really care for each other. He is very energitic, plays in a professional rock and roll band, is very active and we hit it off five months ago when we met. He will be 57 this Jan and I will be 41 this Dec. We spend almost every other night talikng on the phone for at least two hours. He lives in Ohio, I'm In California. He is in transition at this point and depending on how things go he may move his way out here. He really likes CA anyway! Does anyone think there is a problem with me having a relationship with this person when we care so much for each other? My uncle and his wife were 20 years apart and had a GREAT marriage.

This show was just aired on Swedish Tv and I got so disgusted by Dr Phil´s judgmental attitude.

If it´s ok for a man to date and even marry a 25 year younger woman, how can it  be catastrophic when a woman does the same? Do you still live in the dark ages over there, where men can do as they please while women stick to the pattern and behave? Those are constructed ethics and has nothing to do with objectivity or science and it´s disgusting how DrP so passionately defends status quo and inequality  and static way of thinking between the sexes. What goes for men goes not for women.

Shame on you Dr Phil!

 

 

First of all I’m a huge fan of Dr.Phil, but on this particular show I totally disagree with his opinion. Why is it okay for men to date anybody they want no matter the age, it would be okay for a 38 year old guy to date an 18 year old girl but it is not okay for the vice versa and I think that the boy approached her first and I think he does luv her so what is the point on opposing their relationship. I don’t think that Dr.Phil should have said what he said I think they should stop when they wanna stop as long as there is luv in one’s relationship I don’t see the problem.  

Mieraf,

Ethiopia

I agree with you, at 18 you are an adult really.  I was 18 when i met my partner and eight years on we are still going strong, he is 25 years older than me.  Of course we had problems because of the difference in age, and occasionally we still do, but what relationship doesn't have creases to iron out at the start?  If they do love one another then they will stay together, she should not feel guilty and should not be made to feel guilty about falling in love with a consenting adult.  Although what is the legal age of consent in the US?  In the UK it's 16.

 

VickyLee

I don't know if you check in on this board ever but...

I was watching Maybe Baby today and it occurred to me why age matters.  Not that you two can't have a great marriage because I think you can.  YOU are young and drama spices up your life.  The lesbian photo album, the fights over having a baby, Chris's non existing "temper problem" that you constantly refer to, etc... are all ways to keep things interesting to you.

As a 46 year old I can tell you that these things translate to stress not excitement.  Drama becomes less "fun" as you age.  My dagger in law makes drama where none exists too.  Otherwise I suppose she would find life too "ho- hum."  My son is 5 years older and would love to just have a drama free marriage. 

PS:  I think that you will be a great mom.  But PLEASE clean out the potty mouth!!!!

Love ya!

 I always hit spell check before I post a message.  This time it bit me.  Perhaps it was a fruedian slip that I refer to my daughter in law as my "dagger in law."  Honestly I hit change on spell check.  Sorry DIL!!!  Her antics at times are truly daggers to my heart.  But that is another story. 

  I feel that most of the negative comments are coming from mothers who have young sons around that age (18-25) and will always see and/or treat their son's like “mama’s little boy”.  Instead of letting them grow into adulthood and become a man, they want to stifle their son’s manhood and keep them children.  This happens a lot in our society now, where MEN ARE NOT MEN ANYMORE.  They remain children and then their poor wives have to deal with the problem (you have mother-in-laws to thank for it).   Mothers are too overbearing and overprotective with their son’s.  Cut the umbilical cord, because you are probably stunting his mental development more so, than him having a sexual relationship with an older woman.