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Topic : Betrayal

Number of Replies: 232
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:05 am
Author : dataimport
What do you do when a trusted friend stabs you in the back? Give them a chance to explain? Or end the friendship?

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July 25, 2005, 1:17 pm CDT

true friends

you will always know who your true friends are when something happens in your life. I have many friends but the truest friends are those who have stood by my side through thick and thin, regardless of whether or not they have agreed with a decission that I have made. My best friend from high school disagreed with a decission that I had made and did everything in her power to get me to change my mind, of course I didn't as I knew it was a good decission for my life and as it turned out, I did make the right decission. I have had other cicumstances as well, A true friend will not betray a friendship but will be there to respect and to support the other as well as to encourage and to uplift. My high school friend adndI are once again best buddies though we live seveal hours from each other cause finally she came to realize (after a few years)that I was right and she did apologize and she now understands that if you want to be a friend then you gotta be a friend. For those who do not want to be my friend for whatever reason, well, I have come to the conclusion that it is their problem, not mine and though it makes me sad when something like this happens, I know that I cannot control what others do or think, I can only control my own self. " A friend sticks closer then a brother". Though I have my best friend from school back, I have another best friend who is now walking the streets of heaven and I wish she was here talking with me as we had done for several years. I miss our times and don't think I will ever meet another like her. We need to take our friendships serious and love and respect one another and those who betray, I say, "so sad", for there could come a time when we don't have our friend around......................
 
August 16, 2005, 11:40 am CDT

I Understand Completely!

Please see my post in the Bullying (today's show rerun) for more information and back ground on my situation, but I know the feeling of having someone cut you out of their lives for no apparent reason. I am still trying to get over the saga that surrounds a relatively good friendship that turned bizarre these past two years. It is very difficult especially without an explanation. You just end up wondering what you ever did to the person that no longer wants contact. My advice to anyone that wants to end a friendship-- please sit down and talk to the person about why you are doing what you are doing. Just cutting them out of your life with no explanation is a horrible way to deal with former friends. If you believe them to be a detractor in your life, that is alright. It is fine to make decisions about the people that you need in your life in order to be happy and healthy. However, it is always a good idea to give this person you are angry with and/or believe has wronged you a chance to explain themselves, and the possibility to save a friendship. I believe that almost any rational person would appreciate an explanation and opporunity to realize what they did wrong, and understand that they need to chance. Silence is never the best medicine for friendship and it only ends up hurting your former friend more. There are some relationships that must end, however, everyone deserves a second chance. Don't you think so? 

 
August 16, 2005, 11:53 pm CDT

Relationship/Friendship gone wrong

I recently realized that my best friend of 7 years wasn't a true friend after all. 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because of her. 

My boyfriend and were having problems and he went to her to talk to but instead of talking to me about the problems that we were having decided that she would be better.  She was always involved in our problems and believes every fight we have is always about her.
I never had the guts to tell her to step back and stay out of our problems because i thought she was being a good friend however her and my boyfriend started to get close and he realized that he had feelings for her. 

So due to the lack of communication and lack of love in our relationship we broke up. 

Instead of being there for me she was there for him and when i needed a shoulder to cry on she wasn't there. 

Finally when confronted by myself she said "i didn't come to see you and wasn't there for you because..."  my ex-boyfriend had told her not to come near me. 

This caused me great pain and for this reason i realized she wasn't a good and true friend. 

Now my ex and i have gotten back together but we are having the same problems as before due to her interference. 

  

Any advice on how to save my relationship with my friend and boyfriend would greatly be appreciated. 

  

 
August 17, 2005, 10:34 am CDT

Some Advice

Quote From: bellacoo

I recently realized that my best friend of 7 years wasn't a true friend after all. 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because of her. 

My boyfriend and were having problems and he went to her to talk to but instead of talking to me about the problems that we were having decided that she would be better.  She was always involved in our problems and believes every fight we have is always about her.
I never had the guts to tell her to step back and stay out of our problems because i thought she was being a good friend however her and my boyfriend started to get close and he realized that he had feelings for her. 

So due to the lack of communication and lack of love in our relationship we broke up. 

Instead of being there for me she was there for him and when i needed a shoulder to cry on she wasn't there. 

Finally when confronted by myself she said "i didn't come to see you and wasn't there for you because..."  my ex-boyfriend had told her not to come near me. 

This caused me great pain and for this reason i realized she wasn't a good and true friend. 

Now my ex and i have gotten back together but we are having the same problems as before due to her interference. 

  

Any advice on how to save my relationship with my friend and boyfriend would greatly be appreciated. 

  

I think that you should work on both relationships separately if you wish to maintain both of them. Do not mix friendship with relationship in this instance because it has caused problems. Your friend is no longer just a friend, she is an X of your current boyfriend. So that adds a whole new dynamic to your relationship with her, his relationship with her, and the relationship between the three of you. 

  

  

You need to tell your boyfriend to not talk, take advice or discuss the problems that ya'll are having with this woman. The problems that are there are strictly between you TWO. You two should be the only ones concerned with fixing them. You have to put your friend back in her place as a FRIEND not a counselor, supporter or meddler. If you have to-- cut her off. She is not being a good friend with you by continuing her behavior that causes you pain. I would advise her that she should stay out of your affairs if she wants to remain your friend. Tell your boyfriend as well that he should work out issues between you with YOU and only with you. Yes, it is always nice to have a sounding board/neutral friend that you can bounce ideas off of and get advice about the situation they are not involved in-- however you friend IS involved and HAS been involved.  

  

  

  

Therefore she loses her status as neutral, loving and supporting. She obviously has her own agenda and that is to cause you and your relationship as much difficulty as possible. It is up to you and your boyfriend to take the reins of the relationship and decide if it is worth it to not put up a united front as a couple against this woman who only seems to bring pain and divison to you two.  

  

  

Ya'll got back together-- so it looks as if you two are willing to commit to each other and realize that you want each other in your lives. If that is the truth and you want to keep this relationship from crumbling and succumbing to the pressures and strains like the last time this woman tried to put herself in the middle-- you need to tell her to stay away for a while. You don' t have to cut her off completely if you don't feel like you can. Simply tell her something to the effect of, "look ____, you are my friend and I would like to continue being friends with you...however you are inserting yourself into parts of my life that you don't belong, and it isn't helping. If you would like to be my friend could you give me 6 months to a year with no contact so that I can save my relationship? I value you, but I don't like the way our friendship has evolved and I think it would be a good idea for us both to take a break."  

  

  

See if this works, and if she wants to stop being friends with you all together then that isn't an entirely bad idea in light of the continuing problems. These are only suggestions, but if I were in your position I would weigh which meant more to me. The friend or the relationship? While we should never have to choose-- you have to now that relationships have overlapped. Since you have known this girl for years perhaps you would like to choose her? But a true friend doesn't treat their good friend of 7 years by worming her way into their relationships...this is the best advice I can give. If you want to save your relationship you and your boyfriend have to be united against outsiders trying to meddle.  

  

  

 
August 17, 2005, 4:22 pm CDT

Betrayal

Quote From: parisienne

I think that you should work on both relationships separately if you wish to maintain both of them. Do not mix friendship with relationship in this instance because it has caused problems. Your friend is no longer just a friend, she is an X of your current boyfriend. So that adds a whole new dynamic to your relationship with her, his relationship with her, and the relationship between the three of you. 

  

  

You need to tell your boyfriend to not talk, take advice or discuss the problems that ya'll are having with this woman. The problems that are there are strictly between you TWO. You two should be the only ones concerned with fixing them. You have to put your friend back in her place as a FRIEND not a counselor, supporter or meddler. If you have to-- cut her off. She is not being a good friend with you by continuing her behavior that causes you pain. I would advise her that she should stay out of your affairs if she wants to remain your friend. Tell your boyfriend as well that he should work out issues between you with YOU and only with you. Yes, it is always nice to have a sounding board/neutral friend that you can bounce ideas off of and get advice about the situation they are not involved in-- however you friend IS involved and HAS been involved.  

  

  

  

Therefore she loses her status as neutral, loving and supporting. She obviously has her own agenda and that is to cause you and your relationship as much difficulty as possible. It is up to you and your boyfriend to take the reins of the relationship and decide if it is worth it to not put up a united front as a couple against this woman who only seems to bring pain and divison to you two.  

  

  

Ya'll got back together-- so it looks as if you two are willing to commit to each other and realize that you want each other in your lives. If that is the truth and you want to keep this relationship from crumbling and succumbing to the pressures and strains like the last time this woman tried to put herself in the middle-- you need to tell her to stay away for a while. You don' t have to cut her off completely if you don't feel like you can. Simply tell her something to the effect of, "look ____, you are my friend and I would like to continue being friends with you...however you are inserting yourself into parts of my life that you don't belong, and it isn't helping. If you would like to be my friend could you give me 6 months to a year with no contact so that I can save my relationship? I value you, but I don't like the way our friendship has evolved and I think it would be a good idea for us both to take a break."  

  

  

See if this works, and if she wants to stop being friends with you all together then that isn't an entirely bad idea in light of the continuing problems. These are only suggestions, but if I were in your position I would weigh which meant more to me. The friend or the relationship? While we should never have to choose-- you have to now that relationships have overlapped. Since you have known this girl for years perhaps you would like to choose her? But a true friend doesn't treat their good friend of 7 years by worming her way into their relationships...this is the best advice I can give. If you want to save your relationship you and your boyfriend have to be united against outsiders trying to meddle.  

  

  

Dear Parisiene  

   

Thank you for your advice.. i really appreciate it.  

   

I will speak to my "friend" and tell her how i feel about her interfering in my relationship with my boyfriend. However the problem is that he will not open up to me at all anymore.  

   

When asked why he is angry at me his response is "Nothing". I've told him if he doesn't talk to me i am not going to put up with him going to speak to someone else when the relationship concerns me and him only not our friend.  

   

I asked him if he thinks our relationship is worth saving and he simply said "its up to you".  

He believes that i am just jealous of their friendship and the truth is i am because he talks to her n not to me and during our break he had feelings for her.  

   

I told him that if he asked her if she had feelings for him and she said no not to come back to me because i WOULD NOT be second best.  

   

After we got back together i found out that is exactly what he had done and asked him why he didn't tell me before we got back together so i could make the decision myself and he didn't respond at all to that.  

   

I love him and ask him if he loves me. he tells me yes.  

   

i ask him as i need to feel loved because i don't feel that from my family and i just like the reassurance do u think that this is what is causing the problems between us??  

   

i love him and want to be with him but fear that our relationship is already over due to our friends interference.  

   

i am willing to give our friendship a break so i can work out my problems with my boyfriend but the problem is that we have same group of friends and will see each other at parties. i know that my boyfriend isn't willing to give up his friendship for our relationship.  

   

Is this a sign that he doesn't want to be with me and put our relationship first??   

 
August 23, 2005, 7:25 pm CDT

we have a very similar story

Quote From: bellacoo

Dear Parisiene  

   

Thank you for your advice.. i really appreciate it.  

   

I will speak to my "friend" and tell her how i feel about her interfering in my relationship with my boyfriend. However the problem is that he will not open up to me at all anymore.  

   

When asked why he is angry at me his response is "Nothing". I've told him if he doesn't talk to me i am not going to put up with him going to speak to someone else when the relationship concerns me and him only not our friend.  

   

I asked him if he thinks our relationship is worth saving and he simply said "its up to you".  

He believes that i am just jealous of their friendship and the truth is i am because he talks to her n not to me and during our break he had feelings for her.  

   

I told him that if he asked her if she had feelings for him and she said no not to come back to me because i WOULD NOT be second best.  

   

After we got back together i found out that is exactly what he had done and asked him why he didn't tell me before we got back together so i could make the decision myself and he didn't respond at all to that.  

   

I love him and ask him if he loves me. he tells me yes.  

   

i ask him as i need to feel loved because i don't feel that from my family and i just like the reassurance do u think that this is what is causing the problems between us??  

   

i love him and want to be with him but fear that our relationship is already over due to our friends interference.  

   

i am willing to give our friendship a break so i can work out my problems with my boyfriend but the problem is that we have same group of friends and will see each other at parties. i know that my boyfriend isn't willing to give up his friendship for our relationship.  

   

Is this a sign that he doesn't want to be with me and put our relationship first??   

I must say that I a have to agree with Parissiene 100 %.  The EXACT same thing happen to me 3 years ago.  He wants his cake and icecream, and you are left in the lurch thinking it is all your fault.  And it is not, he is not being honest with you at all.  You do deserve way better.  I still hurt from this ordeal because I loved this guy so much, I made the mistake of turning myself into a pretzel for him.  I don't know if I will ever completely trust another man, but as they say, time heals all, the hurt isn't as intenese, it's the trust that is slow to come.  I litterally agrued with this guy for 2 years, because I knew there was something that just wasn't right about his friendship with his female friend, but he would always just blame me for being jealous.  It had nothing to do with jealousy at all, it's called women's instinct.  Don't wait to long to move on. Hope this helps. 

  

Goldielox 

 
August 25, 2005, 8:27 pm CDT

In Need of Advice

    

Hello,   

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.   

thanks in advance ;0)   

 
September 12, 2005, 3:18 pm CDT

Amen!

Quote From: goldielox

I must say that I a have to agree with Parissiene 100 %.  The EXACT same thing happen to me 3 years ago.  He wants his cake and icecream, and you are left in the lurch thinking it is all your fault.  And it is not, he is not being honest with you at all.  You do deserve way better.  I still hurt from this ordeal because I loved this guy so much, I made the mistake of turning myself into a pretzel for him.  I don't know if I will ever completely trust another man, but as they say, time heals all, the hurt isn't as intenese, it's the trust that is slow to come.  I litterally agrued with this guy for 2 years, because I knew there was something that just wasn't right about his friendship with his female friend, but he would always just blame me for being jealous.  It had nothing to do with jealousy at all, it's called women's instinct.  Don't wait to long to move on. Hope this helps. 

  

Goldielox 

Thank you for your support-- I think that this girl should ditch the lot of them. It isn't worth it at all.  

She deserves better and she can get it if she just lets this catastrophe go.  

  

Good Riddance to that boyfriend of hers and that icky friend! 

 
October 5, 2005, 12:39 pm CDT

In Your Shoes

Quote From: newhope76

    

Hello,   

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.   

thanks in advance ;0)   

I've been in your shoes on many occassions. Whenever a friend tells you that they don't have a problem with some one because they didn't do anything to them that's code language for "I would like to have a friend where I can talk trash about you and you'll never know because they don't like you." It's unrealistic to serve enemies. You need to choose. If she can't choose I would recommend limiting what you tell her and start to distance yourself from the situation. Trust me, this scenario almost always plays out the same way. RUN!
 
October 7, 2005, 11:48 pm CDT

Betrayal

 I have had many bad friend situations. Now, i am 25 years old, and i grew up in LA. A lot of my bad friend situations were with friends that i knew in high school. They've stolen boyfrends, said bad things, etc... but the one that hurt the most, but also helped the most was the most recent one. This year, a friend of mine of 10 years( and not all of it was good) found a boyfriend. I didn't like him at all, but it was not my place to say it to her, because he was important to her. (he wasn't bad or dangerous, i just didn't like him.) She and i have had a temultuos relationship, but were very close. Her boyfriend thought i was too outspoken, and the things i experienced were false ( i'm a chef, so lots of drama and excitment happens during service, and to the average person, some of it may seem a bit out there). Now, she had only known this guy for 2-3 months, but took every word to heart. She didn't call for like 1.5 months, and then i got an e-mail out of the blue.  

   She started off by calling me a liar- now there's my biggest pet peeve- liars- so i was immediatly defensive. and then proceeded to tell me EVERYTHING she didn't like about me- i'm a smoker(she is too) i won't go out with her (i don't do frat bars- and i have a career that requires a lot of my energy. The last thing i want to do is hang out with a bunch of spoiled rich kids who's worst problem is that their daddy didn't buy the right color of beemer.) anyway, she went on for 3 pages about how much i suck.  

   3 years ago, i would have cried and apologised and asked her what i couls do to change. Now, not so much. I have found my authentic self, and along with that, my career, my new husband, and a very happy life i didn't even know was possible!My theory on certain bad friend situations, is if they can't like YOU, they probably never will, so why wast your time. I haven't spoken with her in almost a yaer, and i feel a bit lighter, and safer knowing the people around me are trustworthy of my heart. 

 
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