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Topic : 12/20 Cranky Kids

Number of Replies: 135
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Created on : Friday, September 21, 2007, 12:19:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/26/07) Do you wish kids came with a manual? Dr. Phil shines the light on the biggest mistakes parents make, and along with Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of Mending the Broken Bond, he tells parents how to calm the atmosphere in their homes. First up, Renee says her 3-year-old son won't behave, unless her husband, Brian, is around. What do they need to do to get his behavior under control? Next, Angie, mother to three kids, says her youngest child's tantrums can last up to 30 minutes. Could Angie's guilt be contributing to her son's behavior? Then, Shannon joins Dr. Phil via Web cam to get help with her 4-year-old son, Branson, who screams, kicks, hits, bites and calls her names. What is the big mistake she makes? And, Michael, is a stay-at-home dad to 3-year-old McKenna, who throws tantrums daily. Could he be to blame for her outbursts? Plus, Suzette and Tony's 5-year-old son, Malachai, has already been kicked out of three preschools, because he hits teachers, throws toys and won't follow the rules. Find out what in-home video cameras caught on tape, and why Malachai's parents say it's "disturbing." And, see what happens when Dr. Lawlis makes a house call to Eve, whose 10-year-old daughter, Julia, tells her, "I wish you were dead." Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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December 20, 2007, 9:28 pm CST

Making a point

I have seen a lot of people here talking about spanking. I think alot of people have gone to the far sides, either no spanking at all, or spanking for BB (Bad behavior). I personally and I personally think this should be common sense, is you don't spank unless the result of the action would of let the child is serve pain, or caused serve pain to another person. I personally only only spank, for a child running out in the middle of the street (after being shown not to do that, and I mean a few times told not to do that and they should know better), why spank for that cause its better to connect running in the street, with pain on the butt, instead of pain of being run over by a car. Also I would spank for sticking items in electric sockets, or cutting eletric cords, why cause its very harmful and can lead to death.

 

I think it stupid to spank for bad manners, for mouthing off, not cleaning there rooms, not doing homework, staying up passed there bed time. These things you can take time and realy teach them a better way, without pain. Sure its annoying but come on, as adults we do annoying things should we get spanked?

 
December 21, 2007, 6:05 am CST

Perhaps her time is on your interests

Quote From: evora_anne

OK...

Lets see.

Julia gets up at 6:00

Leaves on the bus at 7:10

HMMM together for about an hour or so...we talk, we laugh, we eat, we get ready for the day.

 

Julia gets to the rec center where I work at 3:30

She particiaptes in whatever recreation activity she wants to until 5:30

 

5:30-7:00  Swim Team

(at this time I finish work and wait for her to get done)

 

7:00-9:00 Julia time

Dinner, homework, games

 

I guess I am putting in time....Don't asume that I don't think that raising a child is a lot of work.  Every minute awake is Julia time.  After she goes to bed is my time.

 

I spent 10 hours with Dr. Lawlis and he helped me to understand what I was doing "wrong" - and how Julia and I could negotiate to make both of our lives easier.

Julia is not 3. I was talking about very YOUNG children. I believe your daughter was, what -- 10? And one of her issues was that you didn't spend time doing things SHE likes to do (as opposed to things YOU like to do) such as playing board games. Children need parents to be interested in THEIR interests, whatever those may be. Glad Dr. Lawlis helped you. He'd have bored me stiff.
 
December 21, 2007, 10:27 am CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: shadycat1

I must ask, but why do you feel the ned to SPANK an eleven year old ?

Keep something in mind while you hit, she someday will be big enough and rebellious enough to HIT BACK, and then what do you do ?  See the funny thing is, we tend to SHRINK as our kids get older.

If grounding mostly works, then USE IT.

Look I wasn't perfect, none of us are, I've managed three 22, 18 and 16 and I did spank, until my daughter started acting out (even then a just a swat on a covered rear end, open palm, not BEATING) , and it occured to me, how do you TEACH a child that Bullying and hitting are WRONG ? Seems to me its only WRONG if the person is the same age and size as you, but if they are much bigger and older than its fine, something wrong with that attitude.

Many of us were brought up with being hit, and NOT just with open hands (the BELT was a great deterrent) and we wonder why we have gone so far the other way, I belive there is a middle ground, it just sometimes takes some time and effort to find it.

At 11 she is OLD ENOUGH to understand consequencesand how her behavior is related to those consequences, consider if your husband hit you EVERY TIME you made him angry (there are THOUSANDS OF WOMEN WHO LIVE WITH THIS) , now put that onto how your daughter must feel every time you hit her.  Violence BREEDS violence, find something ELSE that works, we have enough angry teens out there.  Besides, seems to me hitting then grounding is just adding insult to injury.

I am not being violent towards my child for starters. I don't even spank her that hard when I do. All I am trying to do is make sure she grows up right and not a crazy teen who's parent's didn't disapline them right. I have people in my own family who didn't spank and their kids turned out to be bad. They didn't even ground them either!
 
December 21, 2007, 6:01 pm CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: steffiev

I have three children ages 12,13, and 15.  I don't negotiate with my children.  I have rules and expectations from my children based on standards and principles.  There's not room for negotiation.

I also have rules and expectations based on standards and principles.  How do you expect them to learn to navigate through life witout learning the negotiation tool?  We negotiate on negotiable items such as meals, what time we go shopping, what day we go shopping, what is on the shopping list, what we do after swim team practice in the evening......

There are things that are not negotiable such as safety items, but as a parent I have to let her make mistakes and choices. I have to learn to not shelter her and allow her to grow up.

You negotiate every day whether you admit it or not....we all do.

 
December 21, 2007, 10:10 pm CST

McKenna,

I saw mckenna  and i could't help but think she is really trying to tell someone any one something  her actions kind of gave me a chill i hope some one will listen to her cries.and talk to her
 
December 21, 2007, 11:48 pm CST

Negotiate

Quote From: steffiev

I have three children ages 12,13, and 15.  I don't negotiate with my children.  I have rules and expectations from my children based on standards and principles.  There's not room for negotiation.

I can understand some items not being negotiated, but by the time they are teenagers how do you not face the "negotiations". There is almost everything you can debate now, and I don't mean fight but talk about the pros and cons of everything and rules of getting a new item. Like now of days its normal to have cell phones, so I would image children and parents go through alot of negotistions on this issues. Bed times on weekends, school sports, how they dress, make up, going to party's. But you may negotiate with these items and not even realize it.

 

Even when they are children you should be teaching them how to make there own choices. Like picking there clothes, you pick 2 outfits and then let them make the final choice (toddler years). You set the limits and let the child make the choice within those limits, so everyone is happy and the child feels better about everything.

 

By setting rules without talking (maybe you do talk) you cause fear in a child that when a problem happens you maybe the last to hear about it. Kids are going to mess up, its all a learning thing, even has adults we mess up.

 
December 22, 2007, 2:24 pm CST

To Suzette and Tony

The little child that Suzette and Tony have just NEED attention! Maybe Tony don't spend enough time with Malachai. And then when Malachai act out and tony yells at him. Then Suzette wants to tell Tony that he's too loud with their son. Well, sometime it takes getting loud with your child/children. And I think it's wrong for a woman to try and tella man when NOT to yell at their child. As long as theres no physical contact made between a parent and a child should be o.k. A bruise NEVER got on a child over being yelled at. I know sometime yelling can spark physical contact. But just yelling alone dosen't  cause the bruising. Women NEED to let a man be a man! Allow them(men) to take charge when necessary! When a man can't MAN-UP in his relationship, there's a problem. Because when a man takes charge against his child or children and then the mother down plays him in front of the kids. Then how does that make him look in front of that child. WEAK! Then that chld(boy) will grow up thinking that it's the woman that has the last say and upper hand. And that CAN'T BE GOOD!!!!

 
December 22, 2007, 5:30 pm CST

We're all individuals and so are our children..

Let me just say first that my kids are not perfect, I don't expect them to be, and if somethings wrong with how they behave, it's either my fault or there's a bigger picture, like an illness etc. I'm their mother and it's my responsibility to raise them. I lost the luxury of doing what I wanted to do when I had kids, point blank. It's not about me! I love my kids enough to change when I need to and I'm not too proud to admit when I'm wrong and at the same time I need to be brave and not feel quilty for being the parent and doing the right thing even if my kids don't agree, most of the time they aren't old enough to understand until they have kids of their own. I try to explain when it's appropriate but sometimes kids just want what they want, and reasoning is beyond their ability at the time, but I'm confident in them that they will learn. Perspective....We all grow and mature at different levels according to our own experiences, upbringing, stresses, environments, education and nurturing or lack of nurturing support systems. (But as true adults,we make our own choices and don't use the past or others for excuses.) The better support we have, the better we are able to deal with stress and be able to hear ourselves think in order to make better choices. So if you can be a support to someone, lend a hand, sometimes it's that last little try that brings the world around. Nobody can learn or improve under crushing loads of stress and burden. Mom's sometimes need a break and so do Dad's. Good friends and a supporting family can make a huge difference. Counseling is helpful also. There are enormous pressures on parents and children today. Things have changed from when I was a child, or when my mother was child, while other things have stayed the same. Sometimes shows like this help a busy parent to stop and smell the roses for a minute and realize a few things that could be changed. We are all products of our environment and none of us are perfect, thats why we need to draw closer and not isolate each other any further. I don't blame my parents. They weren't perfect and they admit that, and I know I'm not perfect also. My parents did the best they could at the time and I understand that, although others may not agree or feel things could have been better. I'm not bitter, because I'm my own person with my own mind. I just try to make better choices when I realize I've made a mistake. If people obviously need help, I try to do what I can for those around me. It's easy to blame others...the world is full of unaccountability. It's hard to fix whats wrong. There is no quick fix to anything, or any magic words, it takes time, a lot of effort and loving thought. I make mistakes all the time and I know when the shoe fits, I'm woman enough to wear it. I brought my children into this world, the least I can do is my best. I won't be perfect, but I will try to be the best role model  I can be and let them know I am trying, correct myself when I'm wrong, let them know that I love them by spending quality time with them by making time for them despite the choas because my kids are most important, and try to be the calm in storm, no matter what happens, because in the end, that's what they'll remember and when their faced with a similar situation in life it may really impact how they respond to it. For an example, in an emergency, you can't freak out. Being calm and knowing what to do and doing it quickly makes all the difference. Kids only know what they've seen, just like anyone else. There are lots of reasons why many people say and do things they don't mean while their intentions are good or not, but learning to cope, earnestly putting forth an effort to make things better and being calm helps everything. Most people have a lot of stress, issues, painful memories, and things that they battle every day, but don't give up, try to cope the best you can. Arguing , yelling, hitting, and screaming (show of force) isn't the answer to everything and doesn't help, but increases fear, sorrow, helplessness and isolation. Eventually if that's all you hear and deal with, you learn to tune it out somehow! If all the time people wasted complaining and blaming was used to be a part of the solution and putting forth an positive effort to help the situation, things would improve. Kids will get your attention one way or another, you determine what kind they get.  We have but a short time to live, and we can choose what we do with the time we are given. Most parents really love their kids and put their childs needs ahead of their own, and if they discover and learn they need to modify some parenting skills, they will. I'm hopeful. Parenting is a selfless job. It's not for the selfish and self righteous who are in denial. Take some time to look deep into the whole situation and if you need to change some things, step up and do the right thing, not the easy thing and remember we're all individuals, and so are our children.

 
December 27, 2007, 2:29 pm CST

Tony and Suzette

You have to teach your son to follow rules. He needs to know that he can't have his way and he has to learn to cooperate. He is 5 years old now. You can't let him get away with things you are letting him play with video games. Tony you have to be there for Malachai. He has to follow rules in school.He has to cooperate like the rest of the kids. He won't have his way everywhere because he can't. Tony and Suzette you have to teach him now. that he can't have his way and can't have everything. You need to teach him manners like please and thank  you and let him know that tantruming doesn't work anymore because he is a big boy. He ha s got to learn to fend for himself and conduct himsel. He needs to hear no. He is here to have an education learn how to read and write.. The two of you you need to communicate with Malachai
 
December 27, 2007, 2:45 pm CST

Teach him how to make choices

Teach him that he can't have all the choices. It takes earning. It will be better for both of you. He will get over the tantruming let him throw a fit because the answer is no. You are telling him you can't have what you want. Because he needs to learn to say please and ask nicely but still he can't have what he wants if you mean not today, you mean not today
 
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