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Topic : 12/20 Cranky Kids

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Created on : Friday, September 21, 2007, 12:19:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/26/07) Do you wish kids came with a manual? Dr. Phil shines the light on the biggest mistakes parents make, and along with Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of Mending the Broken Bond, he tells parents how to calm the atmosphere in their homes. First up, Renee says her 3-year-old son won't behave, unless her husband, Brian, is around. What do they need to do to get his behavior under control? Next, Angie, mother to three kids, says her youngest child's tantrums can last up to 30 minutes. Could Angie's guilt be contributing to her son's behavior? Then, Shannon joins Dr. Phil via Web cam to get help with her 4-year-old son, Branson, who screams, kicks, hits, bites and calls her names. What is the big mistake she makes? And, Michael, is a stay-at-home dad to 3-year-old McKenna, who throws tantrums daily. Could he be to blame for her outbursts? Plus, Suzette and Tony's 5-year-old son, Malachai, has already been kicked out of three preschools, because he hits teachers, throws toys and won't follow the rules. Find out what in-home video cameras caught on tape, and why Malachai's parents say it's "disturbing." And, see what happens when Dr. Lawlis makes a house call to Eve, whose 10-year-old daughter, Julia, tells her, "I wish you were dead." Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 17, 2007, 7:33 pm CST

well

I have an 11 year old daughter we don't spank her unless it's an absolute last result. Grounding mostly works for her. We only ground if her acts are bad enough for it then she gets grounded and spanking.
 
December 17, 2007, 8:55 pm CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

   Renee,

       Children respect one parent more than another for a reason.  Do you know what you want?  Do you tell your toddler, "It's time for an afternoon nap."  The standard reply from all children who are too young to have no impulse control, is the ritual, loud "No!"  The only real reply is to physically pick them up and take them to their crib.  "No!" is about the only way a child can cope with so much frustration in life. 

       I didn't take it all, personally.  I'd sing a rousing chorus of "My Girl"  until my daughter forgot all about how unhappy she was about taking her nap.  Then, I'd check her diaper.  Set her gently in her crib.  Get her her teddy.  Most of all, I didn't get cranky myself. 

       This made it much easier for her to relax. 

       Her younger brother had ADD.  He was a challenge. I took care of him basically the same way.  He had occasional fits.   He threw himself on the ground yelled, screamed, and hollered.  I waited, patiently.  I let him make the appropriate choices, "do you want water or fruit juice?"  When I told him it was bedtime or bathtime, he knew I meant what I said, and a fit failed him.  I also discovered that he had a more difficult time when his routiene was upset. 

       I could go on and on.  

 
December 18, 2007, 5:08 am CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: CanadianDucky

I have two children a 12 and a half...and a 5 month old.(Yeah I know the age difference is big.) My problem is that when we talk to our 12 year old we tell him what needs to be done....then it's after this show or in a minute...we have come down to turning off the TV to get him to do it. We want to show him how to get things done, dishes, cleaning, cooking. So that he knows how to do it when he gets older. When we tell him to do ANYTHING we get the *SIGH* and slump of the sholders and dragging of the feet...you know like he don't want to do it. I have tried money, worked for two weeks, tried taking stuff away, he didn't care. So now what??? How do I get my son to help out around the house?...he did it when he was younger but now that he's in his tween years....he's making me pull out my hair!

Ahh the TWEENS, gotta love them ( sometimes I think we'd strangle them if we didn't KIDDING< KIDDING, before I get jumped on ).

My daughter was the QUEEN of the eye rolling, I've told her many times, one trick wind and you're going to look pretty funny with your eyes stuck there, my son did the whole sigh, world on his poor shoulders slump, foot dragging thing, my husband never got why it didn't bother me a whole lot (drove him NUTS), my theory was, they could do all that while they were performing the task, didn't bother me any (hard to do dishes with your eyes rolled into your head ), you know what, you're right he DOSEN'T want to do it, but like most kids his age, he's TESTING.

I've turned off TVs, video games, hell at one point I took the mouse and keyboard to work with me .  Let's face it, small children LOVE to imitate and "HELP", but the novelty does wear off eventually, don't sweat it too badly, once the new hormones get straightened out, and he figures things out, this will probably get better.

But may I say something about the Baby ?  Nothing mean,

However I think we FORGET that 12 yer olds are NOT little adults, if he's been an only child for 12 years (that's a LOONG time in a kid's mind ) then he might be feeling threatened by the Baby, and he still may not know how to put his feelings about it into words.  I'm NOT saying that a child should get to choose whether or not you have a baby (MOST I think would say "NO" ), he won't think in adult terms until his twenties.

Ahh, most of us get through it unscathed, or at least the trauma isn't lasting its a hard fact to accept that one morning you wake up, and your helpful, sweet child has become someone that you hardly recognize, but keep up the consistency, he'll get the message.

Sometimes I think suspended animation until age twenty one would be a good idea hehe. But then think of the fun we would miss during the TEEN years (groan ).

 
December 18, 2007, 6:09 am CST

Is it just crankyness?

 We have a 6 year old boy and he will throw a fit just because it's a school day when he wakes up.  What am I supposed to do with that?  This morning he got up all happy and smiling, walked in to our room and we all greeted each other and he says "Dad, is it a stay home day?"  Dad replies "no, it's a school day" and my son immediately bangs his fist on the counter, throws his blanket to the floor and runs in and jumps on my bed and covers himself with the blankets.  Leaving my husband and myself just dumbfounded with how to respond to that behavior.  It's only kindergarten for God's sake, who hates kindergarten?  I knew we may have a crank on our hands when he was around one or so, he would glare at someone for no reason.  He may have learned that from watching other peoples faces at that age but he can seriously go from happy to pissed off in a matter of seconds.  We have used spanking, time outs, grounding (where appropriate) and talking too's but nothing really works to stop the behavior.
He doesn't act this way at school with his teacher or anyone else, he does have trouble following directions but that is the only complaint his teacher has of him.

We have a 16 year old son as well and the two are total opposites.  The older one never acted that way so we never had to deal with these bad moods and attitudes.
Sometimes I do wish that our kids came with a instruction book.  I never new I'd have to be a child psychologist just to figure out my bundle of joy. :)
 
December 18, 2007, 11:06 am CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: princessgina

I have an 11 year old daughter we don't spank her unless it's an absolute last result. Grounding mostly works for her. We only ground if her acts are bad enough for it then she gets grounded and spanking.

I must ask, but why do you feel the ned to SPANK an eleven year old ?

Keep something in mind while you hit, she someday will be big enough and rebellious enough to HIT BACK, and then what do you do ?  See the funny thing is, we tend to SHRINK as our kids get older.

If grounding mostly works, then USE IT.

Look I wasn't perfect, none of us are, I've managed three 22, 18 and 16 and I did spank, until my daughter started acting out (even then a just a swat on a covered rear end, open palm, not BEATING) , and it occured to me, how do you TEACH a child that Bullying and hitting are WRONG ? Seems to me its only WRONG if the person is the same age and size as you, but if they are much bigger and older than its fine, something wrong with that attitude.

Many of us were brought up with being hit, and NOT just with open hands (the BELT was a great deterrent) and we wonder why we have gone so far the other way, I belive there is a middle ground, it just sometimes takes some time and effort to find it.

At 11 she is OLD ENOUGH to understand consequencesand how her behavior is related to those consequences, consider if your husband hit you EVERY TIME you made him angry (there are THOUSANDS OF WOMEN WHO LIVE WITH THIS) , now put that onto how your daughter must feel every time you hit her.  Violence BREEDS violence, find something ELSE that works, we have enough angry teens out there.  Besides, seems to me hitting then grounding is just adding insult to injury.

 
December 18, 2007, 11:14 am CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: kalitesar

 We have a 6 year old boy and he will throw a fit just because it's a school day when he wakes up.  What am I supposed to do with that?  This morning he got up all happy and smiling, walked in to our room and we all greeted each other and he says "Dad, is it a stay home day?"  Dad replies "no, it's a school day" and my son immediately bangs his fist on the counter, throws his blanket to the floor and runs in and jumps on my bed and covers himself with the blankets.  Leaving my husband and myself just dumbfounded with how to respond to that behavior.  It's only kindergarten for God's sake, who hates kindergarten?  I knew we may have a crank on our hands when he was around one or so, he would glare at someone for no reason.  He may have learned that from watching other peoples faces at that age but he can seriously go from happy to pissed off in a matter of seconds.  We have used spanking, time outs, grounding (where appropriate) and talking too's but nothing really works to stop the behavior.
He doesn't act this way at school with his teacher or anyone else, he does have trouble following directions but that is the only complaint his teacher has of him.

We have a 16 year old son as well and the two are total opposites.  The older one never acted that way so we never had to deal with these bad moods and attitudes.
Sometimes I do wish that our kids came with a instruction book.  I never new I'd have to be a child psychologist just to figure out my bundle of joy. :)

Is there something going on with another child in his class ? Just a thought, a teacher can't be everywhere at once, that might be a start.

Trouble following directions, is it consistent ? Many adults have problems following directions, and many times parents find themselves turning into Parrots we repeat ourselves so much.

Something to try, I kept a log of my kids behaviors, and records and reports from school (kept the log for the school year ) and took them and the child to a Pediatrician for a physical assesment, cover your bases, make sure there is nothing Physically wrong, then we had them assesed by a child Neurologist and Psychologist (see why I did this in the Summer), the big thing is DON'T GIVE UP !

 
December 18, 2007, 12:50 pm CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

Quote From: shadycat1

Is there something going on with another child in his class ? Just a thought, a teacher can't be everywhere at once, that might be a start.

Trouble following directions, is it consistent ? Many adults have problems following directions, and many times parents find themselves turning into Parrots we repeat ourselves so much.

Something to try, I kept a log of my kids behaviors, and records and reports from school (kept the log for the school year ) and took them and the child to a Pediatrician for a physical assesment, cover your bases, make sure there is nothing Physically wrong, then we had them assesed by a child Neurologist and Psychologist (see why I did this in the Summer), the big thing is DON'T GIVE UP !

 I don't think he is having any trouble with another child, he gets along pretty well with everyone unless they piss him off lol.  He doesn't have any bully's in class or anything.  He just seems to get mad real easy.  Every week his teacher usually lets us know that he had trouble following directions except last week she said he did better.  Like one day he was mad when he got off the bus because earlier in the day at the library he wasn't allowed to check out the book he wanted because someone else wanted it and he had the hardest time with the decision the librarian had made to let the other child check it out.  When I try and turn the issue around and make a big deal out of the book he did get he will do things like kick his backpack and say how stupid the other kid is and the librarian and the dog and everyone else in his life and on and on.  Sometimes he will turn the verbal abuse on himself, he will say things like, " I don't have any friends" or "I'm just stupid" or "I'm just a crybaby"  and he say's these things mostly when he get's into disagreements with the neighbor kids or his older brother.  These kinds of verbal rant's that he has I don't understand because we never talk like that to our kids, I don't even use the word stupid around the boys because I know how vulnerable kids feelings are when it comes to things their parents say about and to them. 
I wouldn't mind having him assesed by a child psychologist after the school year, good idea.  Thanks for your info. K
 
December 20, 2007, 7:36 am CST

Reply

Quote From: dradsmith

 

Thank you for stating the obvious (or common sense which is what I like to call it).

 

I am a late Baby Boomer that has no children.  Since I dont have kids, everyone tells me that I dont understand because I have never raised a child. 

 

Guess What???  I do understand because I am surrounded with friends that have raised a bunch of spoiled rotten brats.

Examples:  (please let me name a few)

 

We ALL stand in line for 10 minutes while this 3-yr old decides what he wants to eat.  When my mother took me down the cafeteria line it was, She will have a chicken leg, green beans and corn

 

While I am trying to go over something important on the phone, the child (who is on the other shoulder) is screaming in the phone receiver because they want something NOW!!

 

We are in a store and because said parent will not buy the $200 pair of sandals that would last one day on the playground, we have a 10 minute screaming tantrum the entire store hears.  Lets by all means stand there for 15 minutes and try to reason with this 7 yr old, that $200 is a lot of money to pay for a pair of shoes, which is more than Mommy spends on hers.  AUGHHH.    And we do that because if she doesnt like them then she wont wear them. (I bet she would if she was told to wear them.)

 

My point to my examples is that have parents lost their minds?? My mother helped me select my clothes until I could afford to buy them myself, told me that she was on the phone on an important phone call and would be with me when she could, and did not make a cafeteria line back up out the door while I decided if I wanted corn or mashed potatoes.  When I misbehaved, I was taken to the car or bathroom until I decided that it was more fun to be a part of the group then look at the four walls of a drab bathroom.  If I that was not a part of my reasoning skills, then a firm hand was applied to my bare bottom until I came to my senses.  It worked wonders!!

 

 I think I grew up pretty good.  I learned to respect my parents and elders; I am considerate of others and have pretty good manners. I realize that I am not the only person on the planet, nor was I put on this earth so that everything I wanted would be mine.  I had to earn my allowance for extras (getting 10 cents per paper bag full of weeds), was allowed in one sport or activity at a time, and was told to get off the phone and get in bed by 10pm on a school night. If I didnt, then the phone was taken out of my hand and hung up for me.  There was NO DOUBT in my mind who the parent was or that I was a child until I could support myself.

 

We are raising a group of very self-absorbed children and that goes along with the parents that are raising them.  They want to be their best friend, not the parent.  A child has the right to be anywhere you are, and if they scream for two hours straight, then tough. You better like it and get over it.  It doesnt matter if it is on an airplane, bus, car or restaurant.  If they want to kick your seat or hang over it and slobber on your head, then you better think that it is cute or get "the look".  There are no rules or boundaries or even reasoning skills. Everything is supposed to be "cute".  Well, guess what?? It is not - nor will it ever be.

 

That could be why I have followed a few of their parents to a grave yard to bury them.

Since the advice was coming from their "best friend" rather than as a parent with consequences, the opinion that it wasn't safe to drive that car around a curve at 100 miles/per hour or after consuming a few gallons of beer was not taken seriously. Or that staying out till 2am on a date wasn't too smart and produced a child at age 17 because "my mother was so strict on me, and I just don't want to be like that to my daughter."

 

It is sad. It is not only unfair to the child, but to the rest of the population that has to try and teach them, hire them, and reason with them.  Nothing in this life is free - we all pay the price for our actions, one way or the other. Because we are all so worried about making the child's life better than ours - we ourselves have lost our sense of reasoning and common sense.

 

I have five kids of my own, and in response to your statements I would like to say AMEN!!!

 
December 20, 2007, 10:38 am CST

12/20 Cranky Kids

I love my kid's with all my heart..... but I don't think their is anything wrong with a little bit of fear. I am the married single. I don't have time to have a 3 hour discusion on little thing's. What I hear in alot of these messages is that parent's are simply not putting in the "right kind" of time with the children & feel guilty. You can't buy love. Tune in.... it is you that they are looking for. You get out what you put in.
 
December 20, 2007, 12:38 pm CST

Non-cranky kids

I'm watching the show now and Dr Phil is so right. What I don't get is how these parents have survived this long. Training begins literally from infancy, as in newborn, if not while the child is still in the womb. My son has never heard his parents use ANY curse words. My husband and I just don't use them ever. So I have no fear of what my son will repeat. Nor is there anything he says that I don't like. He's 20 months old. He is consistently told the first time he does something whether it is good or bad. He gets a LOT of cues from us.

 

One thing I've noticed is that once children begin moving, they learn a lot of what is acceptable or not. My son does get disciplined, sometimes with a spanking, many times with diversion / distraction, other times with losing what he was playing with. Time outs work only with really eratic behavior: it allows him to calm down.

 

Talking calmly ALWAYS does the trick. It brings the whole mood down.

If I want him to truly understand and get what I'm saying, I get down on his level and look him dead in his eye. I stop talking every time he breaks eye contact. I want to make sure that he understands.

 

I'm only 28 years old, but these were things that were acceptable and unacceptable when I was a child. I have adapted my learnings to my son.

 
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