Topic : Ending Toxic Friendships

THe first step i guess, is to acknowledge it when you're in a toxic friendship. Like Dr. Phil says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. But I can tell that even when you do, it is hard to end that friendship, from first hand experience. I have a friendship with someone that is not toxic, but pretty useless because we hardly see or talk each other. I don't dislike the person, but have no feelings for her anymore. Even though, I find it very difficult to tell her that because I know she values the little so calles friendship that we have. How would you deal with this?

Jo

there is no harm in letting her believe that...just let her pretend that the relationship is important...so long as you dong completely cut her off...

Thank you SHelley, deep down my heart i knew this of course. I don't have the idea that I hold her back to get involved with other people.

Another reason for ending this friendship, would be that her boyfriend is extremely jealous. He thinks I want to take her away from him, which has never been my intention. I don't have those feelings for her at all.

Thanks for your great advice,

Jo

Jo,

Just so there's no misunderstanding - I don't think you are holding her back from other friendships. I think she's doing that to herself by keeping the friendship with you when there is very little relationship really there. I find that often people won't develop new friendships that would be more nourishing to them because they are hanging on to old ones that really have run their course. That's why I said it would be a service to her for you to cut what ties you do have so she can give her energy to other people who do want to spend time with her.

Her boyfriend sounds like he's got some real issues, but that's a post for another time.

I have known J for 20 years. She's funny, artistically very talented, and has been a good friend to me and to my husband, as we have been to them. About a year ago, I took up a particular artistic pursuit, and although J and her husband didn't have the funds for her to participate, she really wanted to take the class, and we arranged that J's husband would do some renovations for us, and we would pay for her to take the class.  We didn't have much money at that time (or now, for that matter), but it seemed a reasonable way to say thanks for J's husband's help, which I know he would have happily given for free.  Both J and I really enjoyed the class, and both decided to continue on. 

Long story short, although J has brought a high level of creativity to her work in this medium, she hasn't attained the same level of skill that I have. I'm not tremendously creative, but I've mastered the mechanics of the work quite well, to the point that our instructor has invited me to be (the most junior) part of his "build team" for creating his own work.

Six weeks ago, J and I were both given the opportunity to attend a workshop in another city. I booked a hotel room, and offered to share it with her; she refused very ungraciously, staying in college residence for about what the shared room would have cost. While we were there, she was quite cool to me, and refused my offers to work with her, though I solicited her help and both sought and accepted her advice on some of my pieces, J was scathing about my apparent desire to "go home with a lot of product".  I actually don't think there's anything wrong with product; I have sales for some of my pieces, and that in part has offset my costs in this medium. 

I'm hurt by her behaviour, and although I'm trying to realize it's not necessarily about me, it's hard not to take it personally. I value the friendship -- am I a chump?

 me and my friend have been friends for 8 yrs. we met my freshman year in high school, her sophmore year. about 2 years ago, she changed a lot. she became very boy crazy, jelouse, and she started to steal. she would hit on my boyfriends, and even changed her clothes infront of them and me. She slept around a lot. and my new live-in boyfriend, cant stand her. we get in to arguements about her all the time, b/c he doesnt like her in our house. i actually cant find anybody that truly likes her. she doesnt take care of her self, and has bad hygiene, and is overwieght and wears clothes that are way to small.  she got arrested for stealing, i bailed her out, and now she stole again and is back in jail. everytime i talk to her she makes me feel so guilty. and i feel i should help her. but i know that if she  gets out, shes going to want to stay with me, and i dont want her around my b/f. not really worried about him. she has no where to go b/c nobody wants her living with them.... not even her parents. should i just leave her in there? maybe this is a lesson. i dont know. i want to help my friend, but i dont think its s good idea for me to assossiate my self with her anymore.. that sounds awful, i dont know.

Maybe the way to help your friend is to put her in contact with some counselling.  If you keep bailing her out, she won't need to change her behaviour, and that's what you're after, I think.  Why do you feel guilty?  And, for the record, I think your instincts about not wanting her to live with you are good ones.

This is very hard.  I know you want to help, but by picking up the pieces for her, you're making it possible for her to continue to mess up without having to face the consequences, and that's no help at all, really.  Though she probably won't see it that way.

you should explain to your friend that you are not comfortable going with her family, considering you dont know them well, and the only reason you agreed was because she was going. maybe talk to her about the way shes been acting, and demand your money back. that was very irresponsible of her and should have stayed with her commitments. its unreasonable for her to change plans and then get upset at you. if it was me i would demand my money back. because a few hundred dollers doesnt come by easily.