Topic : 01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

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Created on : Saturday, September 29, 2007, 09:23:47 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
How well do you think you know your neighbors, your friends and even your child's teacher? It is estimated that four to eight million people in North America are swinging in the suburbs -- mostly middle-class folks from all walks of life. Dr. Phil gives you a closer look at who these couples are who engage in sex with other twosomes. First up, Nita and Walter have been swinging for the last 12 years. They say they are happy in the lifestyle, so why does it cause tension in their relationship? Then, Brent says he has a strong yearning for he and his wife, Renee, to participate in a threesome. Renee says the idea disgusts her, but worries that if she refuses to join in, Brent will leave her. They fight constantly, often dragging their 17-year-old son into the middle of their chaos. Brent says he thinks about having threesomes every other day, but says that his desire is normal. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Dr. Phil viewers weigh in and share their thoughts about the swinging lifestyle. Join the discussion.

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January 26, 2008, 7:52 am PST

True

Quote From: julie1418

How does what other people do in private destroy YOUR family or YOUR marriage?
What people do in private reflects in many ways on society as a whole.
People in positions where they can influence others can't keep thier beliefs 100% out of the things they say and do..It comes through..So I would have to say that, that is a legitimate statement.
Just take Movies , music and books as the biggest example, They are all a reflection of people's feelings and beliefs..And it is easy to see the influence in just the past 30 years..
What people think and feel and do in private, can change society for everyone.
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:05 am PST

Well spoken

Quote From: rubicon05

This is very refreshing after being called a pig and a whore earlier. :) I wish more people felt this way.

Thank you for taking the time to post. 

 For those who are really interested in understanding and not judging, this was a thoughtful message. They are not asking you to accept it.
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:09 am PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: aphilwatcher

I'm no prude, been in the Marine Corps from the tail end of WWII to the tail end of Vietnam and that's a lot of tail (joke, just thought that would make good reading), been married for 57 years, come February, but Heaven to Betsy, my suggestion to those "Swingers" ..... rip off all your clothes and go on outdoors on your fours with the rest of your animal friends. $5,000 for a pad? Yikes, you can smell out a lot of hydrants for a lot less than that!
You are so right....
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:10 am PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

 

 

      Why would people think about such a thing...If you Love each other why would you bring other people into your world...My heart goes to Rene and I wish her the best and I wish she learns that what she needs and wants its what shes suppose to get...

 
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January 26, 2008, 8:17 am PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: momisme2

Wow.  You must get offended very easy! 

You should probably be careful about all that anger and easily offended feelings.  Its a good way to give yourself an ulcer.


I don't think I offend easily.....I just don't like the idea of swinging couples thinking that they can have a marriage on the same level as my husband and me.  They aren't even anywhere close to saying their marriages have anywhere near the love and respect that we have.  Bringing others into your bedrooms to fulfill your sexual desires and needs for whatever reason does not constitute a healthy and happy marriage.  You cannot convince me otherwise.  I cannot respect them in any way.  I don't care who they are or how much money they make......marriage is about love, honor, patience, and, giving yourself only to your spouse.
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:28 am PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Okay, do I care if my neighbors are swingers (at their age I'd say more power to them ), no.  Would I care if my neighbor was a pedophile, yes.  Why the difference, its quite simple really,

The swingers are not hurting me or mine, chances are I wouldn't even be aware of it, the pedophile on the other hand can hurt my children or other neighborhood children, they pose a threat.

As for saying, "If I found out my children's caregiver did this, I wouldn't allow my children back " tell me this, unless they do it in FRONT of the children in their care or they are promoting it to the children in your care, why should what they do when your children aren't there be of any consequence, if it dosen't affect the quality of care they received, then its none of  your business.

To the Moral Majority, I would ask with all the protestations why do you feel threatened by this ? If you are secure in your own marriages or relationships, why is this a problem for you ? Isn't it exhausting for you to try dictating your sense of Morals and values to those who have made it clear they don't share them ?  Every one of the "Swingers" that have posted here acknowledged the fact this lifestyle is not for everyone, and NOT EVERYONE should try, and I've said MYSELF NO ONE should ever be FORCED or COERCED into ANYTHING they are not comfortable with, or DISGUSTS THEM.  If you feel that no one else belongs in YOUR marriage  or relationship ( I feel the same way ) then they shouldn't be there, and if your partner insists, then maybe its time to rethink the relationship (by not listening to you or your concerns or needs shows a lack of respect and love for the other person).

To the Swingers, as long as BOTH partners agree to the lifestyle and are comfortable with it, so be it. If you are being threatened with the other leaving because you won't participate, then let them leave, but if you are a willing partner, and you are comfortable with it, whatever.  The ones I've known (and there are exceptions in ANY group of individuals) are VERY careful  and aware of potential diseases and how to prevent the spread.  Swingers tend to seek out like minded couples, they aren't going to put flyers in the mailbox, or go door to door trying to recruit.  Matter of fact I wouldn't have known if I wasn't told, hasn't stopped me from going out for coffee with them, any more than a single friend sleeping with her date would stop me.  Its not for me to impose my sense of ethics or morality onto someone else, whether I agree with their choices or not.

I've always found that a self-righteous High Moral attitude has kept people apart, there will always be people in this life that don't share your views, it dosen't mean they are "sick", "evil" or "immoral" just different.

 
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January 26, 2008, 8:32 am PST

So Wrong

Quote From: bellaroz

regarding the swinging lifestyle;  just more evidence that the world has gone bonkers.  I agree that people who swing are immature, & have low self-esteem.  More than that I believe it is part of an ADDICTION that begins with porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
No one can sit  and say it doesn't  ever  run through their mind what it would be like to enjoy the company of someone else other than your mate?  Actually to swing you have to be extremely confident and sure of yourself.  As much as people don't like to admit... we are sexual beings ....meaning we can feel, touch and smell with our bodies and actually enjoy it.  Sometimes we like variety and different experiences and yes that includes sexually.  So to be confident with your sexuality means not to be afraid of your feelings and thoughts..and yes desires.....
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:36 am PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, I'll get blasted. I "Don't play well with others " and there are things I just "Will not share " my husband being one of those things, that being said... If my neighbors, my doctor or child's teacher are "Swingers" why is that my business or the Police's business or really anyone's business ? Quite frankly its NOT. It is a lifestyle that has to be AGREED on by both parties BEFORE that paper is signed, if one or the other partner is against it, then you shouldn't sign that paper with them, move on and find a person that shares YOUR views on marriage (although I don't get why you would get married if you don't "DO" Monogomy). Okay, he wants a threesome, you don't, but you're scared he'll leave ? Huh, so he leaves, big deal do you really want to be with someone who bullies you into doing things you are disgusted by ? And what kind of "Man " involves his child in these type of discussions ? If he said he wanted you to help him rape someone or he would leave you, would you do it ? Or would you find the "gonads" to get out and make a life for yourself ? Please, I've heard the arguments before, she has no job skills, go to night school, millions have or are doing it, and courses can be taken online now as well, she has no money, what about spousal support, or a JOB, take something that can help you in your quest to upgrade your skills. Easy, no, nothing worthwhile ever is, but what is more important, your sense of peace and self worth, or his pathetic little ego, call his bluff, and stand on your own. Why does this piss me off so badly ? I see women in Afghanistan and Africa that are FORCED to live in these situations because of lack of opportunities and education, here in the West we are GIVEN the opportunity to stand on our own as independant women, not just an extension of our husbands, and yet when it comes down to it, we still think we NEED the husband to validate us, even if it is to the detriment of our own mental health or that of our children.
Lack of compassion seems to be the way this woman has lived her life with her husband and lack of compassion isn't going to motivate her .
Your strong? Well, 'good for you'!~ I would guess your strong because you have had other people helping you develop that strength.
Sneering at someone because they are emotionally crippled never helped anyone.
She needs a back bone and you, my dear, need a heart.
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:56 am PST

Reply to

Excellent response. My husband and I have been married for 14 yrs together for 18 and swinging for 8. What goes on behind someones bedroom door is THIER OWN BUSINESS! Why do people feel the need to bash swingers when we aren't hurting anyone ... of course you will have adults who do it for all the wrong reasons but in the swinging community word travels fast and couples such as that do not stay because noone wants to become friends and play with couples who have "issues". My husband and I have made some wonderful friends and that is all they are friends ... nothing at all happens unless everyone is agreeable.. Like funfriends, we too have been a full swap couple since the start. We have " normal friends" as well who have no idea what we do for fun behind our bedroom door, all they can say is how they envy our relationship as we communicate openly and honestly and unlike most of our " normal friends" we have never been seperated, divorced, or been to a marriage counsellor. I will also add that we are not the uneducated, self destructing individuals with little or no self esteem that people believe. Sexy is all in your mind. There is something very empowering about being in control of your sexuality. My only advice to people is " MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, SWINGERS ARE NOT HURTING ANYONE"
 
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January 26, 2008, 8:59 am PST

01/25 Secrets in the Suburbs

To each their own.....However, my husband satisfies all my desires....Our home or when we are out somewhere it's him I'm thinking about and what I'm going to do to him when we go home or go to bed. I wouldn't have married him if I wanted to have someone else fulfill my fantasy.  You can make your fantasies come true with the one your with.  We have been together for 10 years. He may go out and I'll show up  a few minutes later and act like we just met.  He doesn't know what i'm wearing or what I'm going to look like.  There are different ways to stay in your marriage for everything you want and desire. Unless of course you want to be with the same sex than that could be a problem.  But no matter what its my husband who I love and respect and if I wanted anybody else I wouldn't be with him....
 
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