Topic : Arguing Over Money

I think my situation may be somewhat unusual.. I am a woman in my 40's, married for two years to a man in his 60's. His money is all inherited. His net worth about 1.7 million. My net worth is about $5,000 and I am still working.

I read about the couples where one makes more money than the other and why a 50/50 expense split is unfair., presumably because both partners are contributing equal time and energy to the joint financial needs. This makes sense to me.

 I  contribute far more time and energy to housekeeping, yard work and financial managment, including extensive management of his money. He contributes far more money than I do. 

After we married, he bought a house, at my urging which has appreciated in value. I put in most of the work to find the house and close the deal.. He admits that if not for me, he  would not have the house. For the most part, he doesn't like dealing with money and has asked me to help him.

I have not asked for any joint accounts, nor for my name on the house title. I understand that he is older and so doesn't want to work as hard as I do, and does not have as much energy. He covers the utilties (there is no mortgage), I cover all of my other expenses. 

I am not sure what is fair. It seems that the principle behind proportional sharing of expense when one person makes more money than the other is because the are both expending equal effort. In this case, he is expending very little effort, while I am expending a great deal.

On the one hand, I really appreciate that because of him I can live in a nicer house. On the other hand, I start to resent it when I don't own even a small part of the house even though he wouldn't have it without my efforts and knowledge,  when i am working hard while he does nothing, while he buys himself anything he wants and I can't. i guess it was okay with me up to a point but now it just seems so unfair. When my efforts put more money in my already wealthy husband's pockets than in mine, that doesn't seem right. He offered to "pay" me for my work, but that suggestion leaves me cold. That doesn't  feel right to me. 

I would appreciate any perspective and suggestions anyone may have.

PS- this is more a political comment but something is wrong with out national policies when my husband pays less than $100 a month for his medicare, while I pay $300 a month for my medical insurance and millions of americans have no health insurance. I'm all in favor of taking care of the needy elderly, but some elderly are very well off.

Well; I have to ask you if  you have a pre-nuptial agreement? What were the terms of money before you married this guy? Like Dr.Phil says these matters should have been discussed and worked out way before the marraige.

If terms of money werent discussed then the fair thing would be according to Suzie Orman whomever makes the most pays more. Each person contributes financially a certain percentage of their income for the year is. Its not 50/50 in your case because your hubby has more income.

Maybe he pays 70% of expenses and you pay 30%. Do it in a legal way as not to cause any friction. Right now your hubby is getting away with alot. Would he agree to that?

Why would you marry someone who wont share his money? Marriages are true partnerships, financial, emotional, physical and the rest.

If he has money hire a maid and a gardener as to have less of a burden on yourself.

His name is the only name on the deed of the house? What would happen if you left?

You would have no money and nowhere to go?

Wow; This guy sounds somewhat stubborn and controlling.

Good Luck

i currently am engaged and I live with my fiance and we've been having tremendous financial problems that make me have reservations about the relationship. Here's the outline: I just graduated from college in May and started working 3 weeks later while my fiance hasn't worked since March. He has had a pretty hard life and hasn't been to college yet and was planning on starting this fall semester.

We agreed to move from where we were currently living to start our new life together and my career.  He was planning on going to school this semester so he dragged his feet this summer so he didn't have to get a job that he "would just have to quit later because he couldn't do school and work at the same time," but since there was no money available he decided to work this year and postpone school. So, we've been living off of one income for a while now. I've been paying my bills and debt along with his too. He also has to spend his money on computer games and habitual smoking while there is no money left over to save. Due to lots of car problems we had to borrow a car from my mother thinking I would be able to save up to buy my own car in a few months. Those few months past and because there was no second income the car had to go back to my mother leaving us without a car at all. 

We share a bank account even though the only money that goes in is mine. I feel so frustrated because he doesn't think of how the things he buys hurts me. And I don't understand why we have a joint bank account now. I'm so desperate for advice from someone because I can't talk to my mother about it reasonably because she thinks I can do better. And i don't want to spoil my friend's opinion of my fiance. I can't seem to get past this because without him I wouldn't be in this finacial struggle.  I make a pretty good salary for one person but not enough for 2 and one who doesn't see the problem with buying fast food all the time or picking up random things here and there. Please help me.

Have you ever tried getting food from a food pantry? Are you eligible for that?

Do you make too much money for food stamps? Can you do any kind of work?

Babysitting, dogsitting; anything? You have a computer so maybe you can do some work from home.

I just heard that Walmart has a new program filling prescriptions for 4.00 0r something like that.

Dont know much about it but a friend told me about it.

Once upon a time I got some nice new clothes at thrift stores and consignment shops and garage sales or when someone is moving and they have a a moving sale.

Can you go and live somewhere where the rents are less or live with another family and share

expenses? Maybe taking in a renter or a school boarder or something like that.

I also got some food at the school where my son attended for the holidays.

YOu know sometimes I think if someone is given a cow for milk or some chickens for eggs

and planting a garden in a yard for vegetables it takes care of the food problem and if given a sewing machine one can make their own clothes.

Can your husband put in some overtime or work an extra day on the weekends?

you can read some of the other messages where people post on how to get free things and free coupons for stuff. Have you ever heard of Craigslist.org. They offer free stuff on there if you click on the free stuff message board.

Good Luck

HI - I've just spent the last hour reading through the board & I don't know whether to be relieved or incredibly depressed.  It's clear I'm not alone in what I'm dealing with!!

My husband and I have been married for 2 years.  Together almost 4.  About 3 years ago he quit a job he'd had for about 4 years.  Then there was about 6 months of various jobs - got pushed out of one due to internal politics, had an injury at another, etc.  So he decided to start his own company. 

The first year looked really promising and it looked like he was going to be able to make it a success.  The last couple of years have been bad.  He says customers haven't paid him, various issues with employees quiting, equipment failures, etc. 

Between that and his constant legal battles with the ex (they have 2 kids and she enjoys taking him back to court on a regular basis) he hasn't been able to contribute much of anything.

To make matters worse, I've tried to help = credit cards, giving him enough to get through each new crises, etc.  The end result is that I'm basically paying all the bills and have a huge credit card debt that I'm behind on.  In 4 years I've gone from an excellent credit rating to daily collection calls.

It's incredibly stressful.  It's stressful for him too - he gets angry because he can't contribute & feels like a failure, etc.  He gets incredibly angry because someone won't pay him, etc & he'll yell.  Or calls himself a loser, etc.  It's very stressful!  I'm not afraid of him or anything like that, and he's not yelling at me personally, but when he's yelling at the world & expressing it toward me, it's hard to not feel yelled at.

On the one hand, I feel sorry for him because he seems so upset about the situation.  So I've always tried to be very supportive & positive/optimistic.  But on the other hand I sometimes wonder if he's being more dramatic about things to shut me down, so he doesn't have to listen to my frustrations.  I don't feel like I can talk to him about my stress because he takes everything as an accusation against him - If I'm upset about being in debt, takes it that I'm upset at him for putting me there.

I'm very laid back and generally don't get dramatic about stuff, but he's full of drama.  When he's angry he'll threaten to shut the company down, but then the next day when I ask about that he gets upset and says he can't do that because he has no skills & no way to get a decent job (he was pretty wild in his younger days = burned a lot of bridges & eliminated some of his options).  So I think he feels trapped in the situation.

Every time I see a light at the end of the tunnel, that this month I'll be able to pay down some of the credit card debt, something happens - he has a new bill, some new crisis that I have to step in and fix.

He wants me to handle the personal finances, but then he won't follow any plan or budget that I put together.  He yells at me because I nag him about our finances, but he never does what needs to be done.  Sometimes I do feel like his mother = like hes a spoiled little kid who won't do what he's told.  I gave us each a monthly budget for lunch, fun, personal stuff - he blows through it every month. 

He's consistently over budget - it's never anything really cool or spectacular, but he buys himself stuff more than I do.  Then I have to listen to him complain about how h never gets to do anything he wants.  Like he's been forced to start his own company.  I've sacrificed all the things I used to enjoy when I was spending my money the way I wanted (nice haircuts, nights out with my friends, mani/pedi, etc) but I never complain to him about it.  It feels like he has no understanding that I'm making sacrifices too.  Frankly I feel like I've made bigger sacrifices than him, but I don't feel like I can bring that up because once again he'll think that I'm accusing him of ruining my life.

on & on & on - there are so many things about our situation that drive me crazy I don't even want to list all of them....

The worst part is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so I feel very alone & Isolated.  I don't even want to let any of my friends know how bad it is.

Sometimes when he's really upset he says that I never should have married him & that I'd be better off without him.  If he were gone I would be able to get my finances in order, etc.  I love him, and I never say this to his face, but sometimes I daydream about it.  If he walked out on me, what my new plan would be, etc.  Financially, it would be a relief.

Sorry it's such a long ramble....I tried to keep it short...but there's a lot I've been holding in....