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Topic : Arguing Over Money

Number of Replies: 566
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:22:45 am
Author : dataimport
Is money the central argument in your home? How do you keep money from becoming a huge problem in your marriage? Tell your story.

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July 25, 2005, 10:15 am CDT

Mother daughter relationship issues

so here is the issue.... My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I love her to death and we have 2 beautiful children in San Diego. Sounds good but here is the issue. The schools here suck and it is sooooooo expensive here to live.

 

 

 

 

 

She is a stay at home day care provider (55 hours a week) and makes just enough for us to be 700 in the hold every month. She is getting another job at night 15-20 hours a week just so we can live hand to mouth. We have a couple 100 grand in equity and I want to move to a place that is better for education and for family life. She could stay home with the kids and never have to work again but there is a catch holding this whole modern day utopia from happening. Her mom and her need to say in San Diegono matter how good the benefits of moving are.

 

 

 

 

Her standard response to moving is that she will NEVER leave her “FAMILY”, her mom basically (I thought her husband and children were her family) and I will never leave San Diego no matter how bad is.

 

 

 

 

Her parents are functional alcoholics (love them to death but they are what they are) her and her mom are total co-dependants and I just wish for once she would pick her true family(the one’s she gave birth to and the one she said I do to) first consideration. I just needed to vent

 

 

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

Any suggestions on dealing with it….. God would I love Dr. Phil to give her a call and ask her

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So you priority is family and location but now your working 75 hours a week so you see neither your family or the location,,,,,,   HOW”S THAT WORKING FOR YA?”

 
July 27, 2005, 8:30 am CDT

How's that workin' for ya?

Quote From: connolly2

so here is the issue.... My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I love her to death and we have 2 beautiful children in San Diego. Sounds good but here is the issue. The schools here suck and it is sooooooo expensive here to live.

She is a stay at home day care provider (55 hours a week) and makes just enough for us to be 700 in the hold every month. She is getting another job at night 15-20 hours a week just so we can live hand to mouth. We have a couple 100 grand in equity and I want to move to a place that is better for education and for family life. She could stay home with the kids and never have to work again but there is a catch holding this whole modern day utopia from happening. Her mom and her need to say in San Diegono matter how good the benefits of moving are.

Her standard response to moving is that she will NEVER leave her “FAMILY”, her mom basically (I thought her husband and children were her family) and I will never leave San Diego no matter how bad is.

Her parents are functional alcoholics (love them to death but they are what they are) her and her mom are total co-dependants and I just wish for once she would pick her true family(the one’s she gave birth to and the one she said I do to) first consideration. I just needed to vent

Thanks

Any suggestions on dealing with it….. God would I love Dr. Phil to give her a call and ask her

“So you priority is family and location but now your working 75 hours a week so you see neither your family or the location,,,,,, HOW”S THAT WORKING FOR YA?”

The way you put your concerns in the post makes your wife look like a self-punishing work-a-holic. May be she is. Or maybe there's more to the story. Does she feel an obligation to look after her parents? At heart, is she afraid that if she leaves they will fall completely into the pit of alcoholism? Are your motives pure, or are you driven by a need to separate your wife and her mother? And you have to be brutally honest with yourself on that one, because moving for the reasons you list is a good decision. But you see, if your wife is sensing an ulterior motive from you, she would feel like you are forcing her to choose between people that she loves, in DIFFERENT ways. My suggestion is to find a solution that includes her parents. That way you are not forcing her to make a decision that she feels unable to make, she will have more time for everybody, and will see you as the hero.
 
July 28, 2005, 7:10 am CDT

the whole story

Quote From: ritehere

The way you put your concerns in the post makes your wife look like a self-punishing work-a-holic. May be she is. Or maybe there's more to the story. Does she feel an obligation to look after her parents? At heart, is she afraid that if she leaves they will fall completely into the pit of alcoholism? Are your motives pure, or are you driven by a need to separate your wife and her mother? And you have to be brutally honest with yourself on that one, because moving for the reasons you list is a good decision. But you see, if your wife is sensing an ulterior motive from you, she would feel like you are forcing her to choose between people that she loves, in DIFFERENT ways. My suggestion is to find a solution that includes her parents. That way you are not forcing her to make a decision that she feels unable to make, she will have more time for everybody, and will see you as the hero.

Part of it is true that I would like to see her here less dependant on her mom for emotional support and more dependant on her family(ie.. Her kids and myself). I understand and mother daughter relationship but her mom and her are very depentant on each other to the point of my wife feeling a sence of obligation to her due tothe fact ther her toher daughter is not fairing well on her personal war of drugs(her older daughter is in a bd way). My thought is that my wife feels she must keep her mom happy at all costs.

 

I offered to move with my family and invited her mom and her Step father for live with us in a state were all is easier but her mom is anchored here and so as mom goes so goes the daughter(my wife).

 

I just get so tired of working so hard out here in san diego and not getting ahead. I love my wife and family and I would never do anything that would hurt my kids emotionally. i come from a broken home and vowed my kids will always have 2 parents inthe house, barring alcoholism or abuse or drugs.

 

I really don't belive their is a resolution other thatn to just live with it and secrectly moarn the loss of a nicer life.

 
July 28, 2005, 7:47 am CDT

Co-dependency

Quote From: connolly2

Part of it is true that I would like to see her here less dependant on her mom for emotional support and more dependant on her family(ie.. Her kids and myself). I understand and mother daughter relationship but her mom and her are very depentant on each other to the point of my wife feeling a sence of obligation to her due tothe fact ther her toher daughter is not fairing well on her personal war of drugs(her older daughter is in a bd way). My thought is that my wife feels she must keep her mom happy at all costs.

 

I offered to move with my family and invited her mom and her Step father for live with us in a state were all is easier but her mom is anchored here and so as mom goes so goes the daughter(my wife).

 

I just get so tired of working so hard out here in san diego and not getting ahead. I love my wife and family and I would never do anything that would hurt my kids emotionally. i come from a broken home and vowed my kids will always have 2 parents inthe house, barring alcoholism or abuse or drugs.

 

I really don't belive their is a resolution other thatn to just live with it and secrectly moarn the loss of a nicer life.

I see what you're saying. Have you considered counseling for her and her mother? They both need to understand that letting the older sister ruin their lives along with her own does nobody any good. If they are operating out of some kind of guilt on their part for her drug use, they need to wake up. They are not only missing out on their own lives, they are depriving others of their better selves. Your wife's working herself to death, and stressing about her sister's inability to handle their life, and trying to placate her mother will not solve any problems. And could lead to health problems of her own in time. She may not know what to do, so just keeps on putting one foot in front of the other hoping for the best. She may listen to the advice of a counselor, if you can get her to see one. If she won't, maybe you could talk to someone who could give you some idea of how to convince her what she's doing isn't working. It can be difficult to get someone to see the dead-end they are walking down, especially if they feel they deserve it somehow. My best wishes to you.
 
July 28, 2005, 8:05 am CDT

future wife of the collector

Quote From: kar4242

I'm not sure if I have a problem or not.  My fiancee (we're getting married Aug 7th) is a "Collector" - he collects sports memorabilia, autographs, star wars stuff, kiss figurines, stamps, coins, department 56, and many, many other items.  We've been togehter for almost 3 years and I'm a little nervous about his collecting.  The items can be very expensive - we share a house together - he has 3 kids and we split the bills.  I'm afraid if he continues to buy items I will resent the fact that I'm paying for the kids to basically live here part time and he can afford to buy "stuff" and I'm just getting by.   He is loving to me, caring, supportive and he has paid his portion of the bills so far but he uses his income tax money to pay off his debt every year.  I'm just throwing this out there as I'm not really sure if there is any problem here.  His collecting has not damaged our relationship, except that I get a little resentful at times that I'm splitting the bills and he can afford to buy "stuff." I know that this caused a problem in his last marriage and they had plenty of money.  Now he takes home just a little bit more that I do after he pays the child support.  Thanks for listening.
I would question his need for collecting, and why such a wide range of collections? What need do they satisfy? If you think this might be a problem now, it probably will become a huge one after you marry the guy. Think about this before you actually walk down the aisle with him: he put his collecting above his previous marriage, wife and kids. If it caused problems in his last marriage, and he didn't see a need to change his behavior, how does this bode for you're marriage, and possible children, in the future? He already "solved" problems in his first marriage by getting a divorce, and hasn't changed his behavior or grown up because of it. Do you feel that he has any motivation to do so for you? I would put the wedding plans on hold, and insist that he look at his behavior in a more adult way. (Of course, use you're own words.) If he won't change for you before the wedding, he surely won't afterwards. Decide if this is what you want, because marriage is the rest of your life. And don't cop out with the "it's too late to stop the wedding" nonsense. Marriage is THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! If you don't see it that way, that's another reason not to get married.
 
July 28, 2005, 8:24 am CDT

funny thing

Quote From: ritehere

I see what you're saying. Have you considered counseling for her and her mother? They both need to understand that letting the older sister ruin their lives along with her own does nobody any good. If they are operating out of some kind of guilt on their part for her drug use, they need to wake up. They are not only missing out on their own lives, they are depriving others of their better selves. Your wife's working herself to death, and stressing about her sister's inability to handle their life, and trying to placate her mother will not solve any problems. And could lead to health problems of her own in time. She may not know what to do, so just keeps on putting one foot in front of the other hoping for the best. She may listen to the advice of a counselor, if you can get her to see one. If she won't, maybe you could talk to someone who could give you some idea of how to convince her what she's doing isn't working. It can be difficult to get someone to see the dead-end they are walking down, especially if they feel they deserve it somehow. My best wishes to you.

I just looked at you vitals and it says you are from Colorado HAHAHAH thats where I want to move my family to.... Actually 20-30 miles outside Denver to the north....  small world....

 

Funny joke that i feel my wife is the punch line to

 

Women is flood and a boat comes by and they say come withus and she reploes "No the Lord will provide"

 

River getting higher and a boats comes again and the women responds " No the lorad will provide"

 

the river comes to the top of the house and a hilcopter comes by drops a ladder and tells her we will pull to safety and the womens says" No the Lord will provide"

 

The women dies and meet so GOD in heaven and she asks him why didn't you provide and God say" What do you mean I sent 2 boats and a hilocopter what more do you need?"

 

 

My wife is alwasy praying for God to help and its almost funny because I can jsut imagine the conversation in heaven. " What do you mean I sent you 250,000 in equity a good job to go to and a family(my sister and her family and my mom) in Colorado what more did you need?"

 
July 28, 2005, 1:17 pm CDT

kar4242,

Quote From: kar4242

Thanks for the input.  Maybe you misunderstood me - his marriage did not end due to his collecting only.  That was only part of problem.  I can tell  you that he doesn't know why he collects so many different items - it's his hobby and it's fun for him.  It did not interfere with his paying his bills in any way, and it has not taken away from our relationship in any way to date.  He is not hurting anyone - I purchased a book on the psychological aspect of "Collecting" and it claims that collectors  he was definitely lacking something in his childhood and people collect to feel like they are worth something.  So long as it's not hurting anyone, then it's not the worst thing in the world.  I have many, many issues that he's been accepting of.  I will not accept it if it interferes in paying our bills - I've made that quite clear awhile back before we got engated that I would not accept that in my life.

 

 Sorry, I guess I didn't read that right. But, still, if it's irritating you now, it could develope into a bigger problem for you after your married. Collections are great hobbies, but the number he has is questionable. See if you can get him to limit to just 2 or 3.
 
August 15, 2005, 2:59 pm CDT

Mixing Money After Marriage

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half.  Up to this point, we both made around the same amount of money.  Splitting the finances 50/50 was fair and was working.  He just took a job earning over 2x the amount as me. 

  

The problem is that he thinks we should still split the bills 50/50, whereas I htink we should do it by percentage earned.  If we continue to split the bills 50/50, I will not be an equal partner in this relationship.  I will always be worried abou money while he is rolling in it.  His protest is that he shouldn't be punished for making more money (??).  I don't get that at all.  I know if I was making the amount he is, I would feel as it I were contributing more to OUR household.  Not my own pocket.  For instance, when I buy items for our new apartment, it's not as if I feel he should pay half of the receipt.  It benefits both of us. 

  

I know he didn't grow up wealthy as a child, and that money is a big deal to him.  In my opinion, too big. 

  

Please help, this is starting to cause me a real problem. 

  

Saphy 

 
August 18, 2005, 5:35 am CDT

MArriage and Money......

I guess I lucked out- I am a stay at home Mom and own a small home party company. My income depends on the number of ladies I have selling product, the time of year it is, and the size of purchases. My husband is in the military, so his income is stable. He is stationed out of state, and has an apartment there, plus he has a condo from a previous marrigae that we are still paying for (anyone need a condo outside of Baltimore MD??:) SO, money is tight. My husband is on an allowance. I earn money sporadically(either a lot or none) so it can't be relied upon- we just pool our money. I take care of finances because he knows I am better at it than he is. I take care of all of the family matters and home maintenance, cooking, cleaning, child care, auto maintenance. I make sure all the bills get paid on time, that money is stashed away for fun and emergencies. He trusts me, so basically, he goes to work and doesn't worry. Am I taking advantage of him? No, he works hard and doesn't have to worry about going to an ATM and it being empty. Does he take advantage of me? No, I am an insomniac and love taking care of the kids.  Do we get frustrated? Sometimes long distance relationships (emotional and financial) can be tough. Just trust and it will be fine....Don't beat each other up and don't buy shoes for grown ups that cost over $50. (In other words, be nice to each other and don't buy outrageously priced things that other people think you need......)    
 
August 29, 2005, 3:56 pm CDT

Always arguing

I am alway arguing with my other have about money. I get so depressed about it all the time. I am stuggling to keep the bill paid. I work seven days a week. I work 40 at one job and almost the same at the other.  An with my first job make more the he does. And with the bill getting higher and higher and unexpected thing happen that cause you to have to put more money out then you have, And the try to caught up is very very hard,. I keep telling him he need to help more and get a second job. but that is like pulling teeth. And goes in one ear and out the other. I don't know how much more I can take. I am tired all the time. I and depressed all the time. I about to loose it all. I don't know witch way to turn anymore or where to turn.
 
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