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Topic : Stress at Work

Number of Replies: 237
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:24:47 am
Author : dataimport
How do you manage stress in the workplace? How do you leave the office at the office and manage a stress-free home life? Join us to share strategies.

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September 25, 2005, 2:48 pm CDT

You have

Quote From: nasturtium

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this message, but thought I'd give it a try.  I began working at my new job approximately two months ago and I really like it.  But first, let me give some background which may or may not be relevant.  I am 35 years old and I just returned to the states from living abroad for about one year with my husband (who is from that foreign country).  Long story short, I left to come home because I found out that he was still in love with his ex and basically wanted to marry me in the hopes that he would forget her.  To add insult to injury, he even began seeing a completely different woman while struggling with these feelings.  I gave up everything to move there with him and now I have absolutely nothing.  I gave up my home, all my possessions, sold my car, etc. etc. Anyway...so, I'm back "home" and found a really great job after only 6 weeks.  I am living with my parents while I get back on my feet and am working diligently to rebuild my life.  It's not easy--but I am strong and am doing rather well all things considering.   

  

So, this brings me to my current dilema...I've been on the job for about two months and have made several friends in the office.  Everyone is really nice and one person in particular seemed to befriend me and has taken it upon himself to show me the ropes and make me feel comfortable so that I can do my job effectively.  No one in the office knows all the details my personal life (I'm very private and don't air my dirty laundry).  All they know is that I lived abroad and am back because my husband made "some mistakes."  Anyway, this person is not my direct supervisor but has been given the responsibility to train me and make sure I have all the resources to do my job.  This person is much older than I am, married, three grown children, involved in the community and his church and I trust him.  We have worked closely together on several projects and seem to be a good team.   

  

The other day after successfully completing a high-profile project, we went out after to relax and enjoy a beer.  No big deal I thought and completely innocent.  Well, he completely unloaded all this personal information about himself and his relationship with his wife.  Before that, he started this out by saying that he really didn't want me to leave my job but he trusted me and needed to confide in me.  Being the nice person that I am (to a fault) I allowed him to unload.  He said how much he liked me and trusted me and hoped that he could share his life and feelings with me because his wife no longer responded to him and threatened to turn their children against him if he left her.  Needless to say I felt very uncomfortable but at the same time sorry for him because of the pain he obviously was experiencing.  It was all a very strange conversation and he kept saying that he didn't want me to leave my job and that he doesn't normally do this and seek out other women.  He was also telling me stories (he likes to share stories which is fine with me--I'm a good listener) about his past jobs where his former bosses and colleagues would engage in somewhat questionable behavior with other women.  Like I said it was all very strange. 

  

Neeless to say I was a little confused but did manage to say at the time that his ramblings were confidential and that I would not talk about that with anyone else in the office and that he could trust me with his confessions.  But now, after having some time to digest all of that and his behavior with me the past two months, I am seriously wondering what his intentions are.  That's not true, I'm not wondering--I truly believe that he wants me to engage in some sort of relationship with him that goes way beyond friendship.  Once I realized that, I got totally furious!  I have two hard and fast rules regarding men--never get involved with a married man and never with one from work.  It's just not a good idea and nothing good at all can come from it. 

  

So, what do I do?  My first reaction is to quit my job as I'm not sure yet if I will ever feel comfortable there now knowing what I do about him and what he wants from me.  That idea completely infuriates me because here I am trying to get my life back together and I actually found I job I really like.  Do I tell him that I absolutely refuse to engage in that sort of behavior with him and that we are never to speak of it again?  Then move forward cautiously without having to quit my job?  How awkward will that be?? 

  

I am really upset about this and just want some feedback from the great folks here at Dr. Phil.com before I make any decisions.   

  

I appreciate your feedback and if you have any questions, I will respond.  Thank you for your counsel! 

  

  

already answered your own question.  Personnally speaking - go back and read your post a couple of times. 

  

I have the feeling he's twenty years older than you.  If you were able to get this job that quickly then that's validation that you are definitely employable.  You do not need to be around him anymore.  Collect your strength and intelligence and start looking - don't think you'll have too much trouble. 

  

Out of curisoty what is your field and how much experience. 

 
September 26, 2005, 9:57 am CDT

unwelcomed advance

Quote From: renagade

already answered your own question.  Personnally speaking - go back and read your post a couple of times. 

  

I have the feeling he's twenty years older than you.  If you were able to get this job that quickly then that's validation that you are definitely employable.  You do not need to be around him anymore.  Collect your strength and intelligence and start looking - don't think you'll have too much trouble. 

  

Out of curisoty what is your field and how much experience. 

I work in higher education at a local, prestigious university.  I have a masters degree and over 10 years experience, so I know I'll find a job.  I just really wanted to work at THIS university.  It is so small that I really would not want to transfer to a different department.  I'm still weighing my options and appreciate the feedback.  Thanks!! 

  

 
September 26, 2005, 5:30 pm CDT

Then You have

Quote From: nasturtium

I work in higher education at a local, prestigious university.  I have a masters degree and over 10 years experience, so I know I'll find a job.  I just really wanted to work at THIS university.  It is so small that I really would not want to transfer to a different department.  I'm still weighing my options and appreciate the feedback.  Thanks!! 

  

two questions to answer. 

  

1.  Which is better for ME - to work at a 'prestigious' university - where this guy is   or 

  

2.  Go to another university for piece of Mind, and the freedom to think, grow, and learn. 

  

Come on now - not only use your intelligence, but Also Common Sense! 

 
September 26, 2005, 6:18 pm CDT

Why should you have to go???

Quote From: nasturtium

I work in higher education at a local, prestigious university.  I have a masters degree and over 10 years experience, so I know I'll find a job.  I just really wanted to work at THIS university.  It is so small that I really would not want to transfer to a different department.  I'm still weighing my options and appreciate the feedback.  Thanks!! 

  

You  have a job that you wanted- why should you have to run? You did nothing wrong!  Probably everyone one else at this small university knows his entire tale of woe, so you aren't the first. Simply tell him you are unable to meet with him again, and feel uncomfortable discussing anything except work related issues. You are a professional, so is he. He should realize that he was WAY outside his boundaries. He was looking for a quickie, and when you behaved professionally, he hopefully got the message that you aren't into his extra-curricular activities.
 
September 27, 2005, 8:42 am CDT

My husband is driving me crazy!

Hi, my husband started a new job 3 1/2 weeks ago at a "well-known" coffee company.  He had two friends working their prior to getting the job.  He now complains that his former friends are treating him badly at work, knit-picking every little thing he does.  He did not receive the proper training he was supposed to get and I do admit, he has been "thrown to the wolves" in a sink or swim atmosphere---(which a lot of companies are doing nowadays).  He did work 12 days straight without a day off and they have called him into work on most of his other days off.  He's telling me he hates it and wants to find something else.  I'm telling him he or "we" have bills to pay and he needs to work!  I don't know what to do!  Everytime he gets a job he starts out real excited about it, then he fizzles really quickly.  He wants all these things in life, but he doesn't want to do the necessary steps or work to achieve them.  I'm so mad at him right now and worried that once again he is fixing to quit or get fired and I'll be stuck having to pay the bills by myself and supply his cigarette habit (which I've told him I am not going to do again!). I don't know what to do.  I do admit he has been done kindof shitty, but he needs to work!  He is a new employee and I'm hoping that if he would just hang in there for ANY amount of time, things would get better.  To make matters worse, I applied at the same coffee company yesterday at a local Job Fair and they snubbed me like yesterday's leftover meatloaf!  That has pissed him off, too.  The company does allow family members to work together, just not on the same shift and there are lots of couples and father/son employees already there.  I don't know why they snubbed me like they did, but that has made the situation even worse, because that mad him mad or...it's just another excuse to quit or get fired!  HELP!!  I love my husband very much, but how can I not let this effect our relationship and how can I make him start caring more about our bills and financial responsibilities!!
 
September 28, 2005, 7:28 pm CDT

Nurses

Nurses in my area are all "at-will" employees & can be fired for anything or nothing. I'm in my early 50's and got a new manager in her early 40's less than a year ago. I have been in my unit since it was opened 3-4 yrs ago.  When she wanted to appoint a shift coordinator she chose a 26 yr old with 3 years experience that was working only per diem at the time. Although she denies it, she gets furious when she or her protege are questioned.  She has picked one other 24 year old nurse to be a part of her clique. Although she hardly speaks to three other nurses in our unit she is making my life unbearable. She makes a point of trying to belittle me or make me feel stupid in front of my coworkers.  Behind closed doors she admitted she wouldn't give me the coordinator position because she couldn't work with me. Instead of going by seniority, she decreases our hours according to our work load based on the needs/wants of her two protege. When I returned to work today I find she didn't give me two days of my vacation because the three of them are going to a company paid seminar.  I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. 

 
September 29, 2005, 6:00 am CDT

I know what to do!

Quote From: ladieejay

Nurses in my area are all "at-will" employees & can be fired for anything or nothing. I'm in my early 50's and got a new manager in her early 40's less than a year ago. I have been in my unit since it was opened 3-4 yrs ago.  When she wanted to appoint a shift coordinator she chose a 26 yr old with 3 years experience that was working only per diem at the time. Although she denies it, she gets furious when she or her protege are questioned.  She has picked one other 24 year old nurse to be a part of her clique. Although she hardly speaks to three other nurses in our unit she is making my life unbearable. She makes a point of trying to belittle me or make me feel stupid in front of my coworkers.  Behind closed doors she admitted she wouldn't give me the coordinator position because she couldn't work with me. Instead of going by seniority, she decreases our hours according to our work load based on the needs/wants of her two protege. When I returned to work today I find she didn't give me two days of my vacation because the three of them are going to a company paid seminar.  I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. 

I just went through this same sh*t! I was hired as a coordinator for a health care company making $45,000.00  Within 10 weeks, I was forced to resign.  It's a long story, but I was treated really bad by three of these women at the center.  I was made fun of and a lot of sh*t was stirred-up about me by another coworker and I got blamed for it.  To make matters worse, they sent me all over this region to get trained ( I had to be certified in 5 areas) and I would show-up at my destination and people at that center were rude to me and telling me "they didn't have time to train me".   I have never in my life been treated so mean and rudely. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but what I did was figured that I had absolutely nothing to lose.  If you are prepared to find another place to work (which being a nurse I don't think that would be difficult).  I would contact the head of Human Resources and cause as much trouble for this woman as possible. I would call her boss and tell him/her exactly what she's been doing and then call his/her boss and go all the way up to the Board of Directors if you have to and  I would call their Business Practices Line and complain, too.  You may even want to contact a lawyer for age discrimination (anyone over 40 is at risk, although that's a bit drastic).  My point is, if you're out the door (which you probably are), I'd bring as many people down with me.  Don't leave quietly! This may not get them fired (but then again it might), but it would at least put some misery in their life as they have done to you.  I hope this helps.
 
September 29, 2005, 7:43 pm CDT

To Ladieejay

Quote From: ladieejay

Nurses in my area are all "at-will" employees & can be fired for anything or nothing. I'm in my early 50's and got a new manager in her early 40's less than a year ago. I have been in my unit since it was opened 3-4 yrs ago.  When she wanted to appoint a shift coordinator she chose a 26 yr old with 3 years experience that was working only per diem at the time. Although she denies it, she gets furious when she or her protege are questioned.  She has picked one other 24 year old nurse to be a part of her clique. Although she hardly speaks to three other nurses in our unit she is making my life unbearable. She makes a point of trying to belittle me or make me feel stupid in front of my coworkers.  Behind closed doors she admitted she wouldn't give me the coordinator position because she couldn't work with me. Instead of going by seniority, she decreases our hours according to our work load based on the needs/wants of her two protege. When I returned to work today I find she didn't give me two days of my vacation because the three of them are going to a company paid seminar.  I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. 

I'm a guy and late 50's.  I know exactly what you're going thru. I have gone thru almost the same thing. 

  

Here's the part you may not like.  You are over 50, and that is not a crime, however in my years I have found that the divide is about very early 40's, ie., the early 40's relate better to the young crowd than to the older crowd.  You probably have a ton of experience, however the younger ones are up on all the technology and it doesn't scare them at all.  I think the reason she tried to belittle you is that maybe you know more than her, and that scares her. 

  

I really don't think you have a discrimination case, because you will have to show specific examples of how you were discriminated against. 

  

Have you considered taking your experience and become a Private Duty Nurse. 

 
October 2, 2005, 4:21 am CDT

Why did I ever choose this career?

Hi guys - UK fan of Dr Phil here with a career crisis. Having read this thread, I'm so glad I'm not the only one! 

  

On the face of it, I'm doing okay.  What follows is middle-class whining, please be warned. 

  

I'm a divorce lawyer : I've been a partner since April in a good firm.  I deal with interesting and complicated divorce cases (usually where the folks concerned have  more money than an objective sense of fairness) - I make good money (for the area of England I live in, at least).  

  

I was in academic training to be a lawyer for the 7 years before strarting in practice (not having done a law degree, the path to qualification was longer than usual. I actually did a degree in English Literature). 

  

Compared to many people, I know I've apparently got it good. But but but....... 

  

Now that I've so-called "made it", I find myself hating my job and hating what it does to me. My life is ruled by the chargeable unit and making my time financially profitable ; I manage a team of 20 people and spend a lot of my daily life chasing them to work more efficiently and profitably whilst being pressured by upper management to kick their backsides. I also live by meeting daily targets in terms of time and fees. 

  

I've become at the age of 35 an irritable, curt, intolerant person who can't even wait in a supermarket queue without feeling that I'm going to kill the slow person in front of me who insists on paying for £10 of  stuff with a card.  And who has a loyalty card. And vouchers. And who wants a chat with the check-out lady about the weather. 

  

Or who drives to work and rants and raves at the perfectly ordinary driver in front of her because they aren't driving at 90 mph. 

  

Or who makes snotty comments to friends and family without meaning to hurt them, but because she's feeling stressed-out. 

  

Quite suddenly, it's dawned on me that I really hate my job and the person I've become. Nothing in particular has sparked this off. Maybe I'm just more knackered than usual (knackered = exhausted in English-speak). Maybe my 35th birthday has made me revalue my life. Maybe I'm just bored. 

  

But now I find myself dreading doing through the doors at work. I'm casting about me to think about what else I can do and how I can continue paying my mortgage etc. I'm longing for a complete career change - to something that matters, and to something that doesn't feel like it's crushing my spirit - and at the same time, I'm scared witless. 

  

Phew, good to get that off my chest? Is there anyone here who has been through something like this ?  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 
October 2, 2005, 10:05 pm CDT

How Do You Get Your Groove Back?

Quote From: lucky35

I just went through this same sh*t! I was hired as a coordinator for a health care company making $45,000.00  Within 10 weeks, I was forced to resign.  It's a long story, but I was treated really bad by three of these women at the center.  I was made fun of and a lot of sh*t was stirred-up about me by another coworker and I got blamed for it.  To make matters worse, they sent me all over this region to get trained ( I had to be certified in 5 areas) and I would show-up at my destination and people at that center were rude to me and telling me "they didn't have time to train me".   I have never in my life been treated so mean and rudely. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but what I did was figured that I had absolutely nothing to lose.  If you are prepared to find another place to work (which being a nurse I don't think that would be difficult).  I would contact the head of Human Resources and cause as much trouble for this woman as possible. I would call her boss and tell him/her exactly what she's been doing and then call his/her boss and go all the way up to the Board of Directors if you have to and  I would call their Business Practices Line and complain, too.  You may even want to contact a lawyer for age discrimination (anyone over 40 is at risk, although that's a bit drastic).  My point is, if you're out the door (which you probably are), I'd bring as many people down with me.  Don't leave quietly! This may not get them fired (but then again it might), but it would at least put some misery in their life as they have done to you.  I hope this helps.

Hi - I recently resigned for a governmental job after 16 + years do to being bullied in the workplace. It was a nightmare. My union rep kept telling me that I would be squeezed out and to seek employment elsewhere that he had experienced a similar situation. I loved my job and tried to stand up for myself and what I felt was the right thing to do (gut instict). In the end, I was off work with severe depression for 8 months, I did file harrasement & retaliation complaint through ca fair employment & housing because my employer would not accept my complaint, stating that I did not have a legimate complaint. Well... my complaint was accepted and also forwarded to the EEOC for action as well. It is a long process but I will follow through. I also filed a workers comp claim for stress, it was also validated after 8 months, but to late to keep my job, I resigned before I was to be terminated. The bully had bullied others before me and they had attempted to file a complaint with our employer to no avail, they were smart and moved on before it ended up with what I have gone through. They have a job, and for the first time since I was 14 yrs old, I don't. 

  

Question: How do you start over again, once your reputation has been ruined? I had A+++ up until a downsizing and mandated job move 2 yrs ago. Since some of you have returned to employment, I'm looking for any advise that will help me return to the workforce once again. 

  

PS I have read about bullying in the workplace and bullies always bully others that they are intimidated by. 

 
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