Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Hi everyone-  This is my first time here, and am looking forward to some good conversations.  I chose dobbawabba as my user name because a boy in 3rd grade (almost 40 yrs. ago) used to tease me by calling me that name, and, well, I secretly liked it!!  The authentic me is learning to speak up even when it really scares me, or if it might cause some type controversy.  I do this kindly, and find that my resentment level has diminished greatly, and my happiness has risen proportionately.  Anyhow, I've got to go to work now, would love some responses!! Your friend-dobbawabba.

WOW! I too got tired of the system - worse, was discovering that so many people were so unhappy that they were hurting other people.  I didn't take a full retirement - I took an early retirement which meant I lost 6% of my pension and in debt - means I'm going to look for a job.  And that's okay cause after 7 months, I'm really not wanting to stay at home 24/7 anymore. I want people and I want to explore some of my skills that was looked down upon.

 

My turning point came the summer of 2003 when I decided that I was going to take an early out.  I looked into it and slowly allowed the knowledge that I was going to be letting go of a life style that was so painful.  When December 2004 rolled around, I had released work and all the folks (that was the hardest for me - I really made some nice friends).  I remember coming to work 1 day and just put my head down on my desk and said - I can't do this anymore - where is this early-out.  I need to leave -- I can't come to work anymore and just sit here.  Yep, I ran out of work in Jan. 2004 - can can you believe I was told just to come in and get a pay check!  The only good thing was that I was able to read & start using Self Matters - figured that work was my biggest TRUTH so I began to slowly re-think my role in my script.  

 

Then 1 day, they announced the buyout for the end of December.  They were offering $25,000 if some of us left.  I didn't qualify for it; but I went anyway.  I began 2005 tackling my thinking - I can't believe how intense some of those tapes are - took me 4-5 months to finally let them go.  MER was really hard.

 

Then I turned SELF on my family & friends.  I have turned a complete 360 degrees -- but it's different. Still have the same family & friends, added a kitten, and I may have finally found a career that I truly feel is mine.

 

I too left with my head held high.  I couldn't believe I took that step either.  The only thing that kept me from not going was remembering that moment in early December when I felt so lost and was so unhappy cause the early out hadn't been offered yet!

 

Marcia

When I first attempted to read the book in April 03, I read the first 3 chapters & did the workbook (the workbook really helps too!) - my year motto was:  NO MORE GRIEVING.  I spent the next months saying that to myself every morning and every night.  It was my mantra.

 

Then I picked up Dr. Phil's show during a family death watch that summer and jumped on the Weight Loss Challenge.  I found that when I read Keys 1 & 2, I became so upset. I joined a support group and had to re-read those 2 keys and I was LOSING IT!  So I turned to Self Matters in February and when I put the book down a few months later, I chose one of my long term goals:  sewing (39 years dream), to use to help me with my thinking.  I figured that I needed to focus on something that I could develop goals and track my goals.  Cause goals always bought me so much pain. 

 

It was painful and it was hard.  But once I got past the writing down my past - I realized he was right, I'd been living in that pain for so long, it was addictive. I mean, if I had really bought closure to it, the pain would have gone away and it wouldn't be nothing but a memory - not my NOW LIFE.

 

If your memories are painful, BREATHE! it does get better.  Only took me a few months to learn to challenge my thoughts and now I'm an expert. I do it without thinking!  I've been saying positive things to myself for quite a long time now!

In Weight Loss Solutions, Chapter 2 - Dr. Phil went into Goal work.  I couldn't read it cause every time I've done goal work, I just lost it cause I never got it done.  In 2004, my motto was:  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT so I turned to Stephen Covey's THE 7 EFFECTIVE HABITS of EFFIENCIENT PEOPLE and it was an eye opener for me.  Then I spent the next few months teaching myself how to focus and do goals.  The hardest thing for me to learn (and it still is) is asking myself when will I know I have reached it?

 

Confusion and unhappy with what's going on in your life is a sign of depression.  Are you seeing a therapist?  See if you can locate one in your area that is into Cognitive Therapy. 

 

Hi Monica, it sounds like you are in a rut with your thinking - are you judging you life as NOT RIGHT because you are alone?  You are providing people with so much help and assistance and yet, you sound like you are so unhappy because of your "need a man" thinking.  Do you realize you wrote it out twice in your message?

 

It sounds like are living off reservation or not near a Indian community.  Maybe it's time for you to add other things into your life that will help meet people.  For example - get into Native Dancing -- the pow pows are everywhere and brings together native americans from all over.  In Nothern Ohio, there are 2-3 of them every summer.  There's also Native American neighborhood organizations as well. 

 

If being with a non-native is okay with you, then look into joining a running club or swimming club.  Check the web to see if there is one in your area.

 

Your higher self chosed the right path professionally - you had to go out and go to a school, had to join a professional society or 2.  I know that ACES is the native american engineering society - look for a mental health one.

 

Monica, it means spreading yourself out - it means meeting people that have the same interest as you.  Your day is filled with people and can be exhausting at the end of the day.  However, if you don't step out of the rut of your 24/7 life, you will continue to tear apart your day when you get home.   Challenge those thoughts because if you really were hurting people, you would know when did at work!  Stop beating yourself up and make your list of what you want in a mate, what do you want to share (for me, I want to meet someone who is into Orienteering).  Make a list of what you can do to GO OUT & MEET NEW PEOPLE.   

 

Marcia

Grub48,

 

I love how you put this.  We are not defined by what we do or where we are or what we have.  I find when people are asked to tell a bit about themselves, these are the areas they go immediately.  Instead of saying "I am a person who..." they say they are a lawyer, a doctor, a CNA, a Mom....Learning to identify ourselves for WHO we are can be a wonderful challenge.

Teri

Ritehere,

 

Good to see you back too!  We are getting ready to take the "big Paddle"...gonna hit the ocean!  I am really looking forward to it! 

 

In reference to another of your posts, those spinning plates...our acupuncurist told us once that balance is continually strived for...that is the true balance...the effort against the chaos.  So I imagine you spinning your plates and when they fall a hearty laugh and a new plate is started.  Actually, it makes for a pretty cool mental image!  Thanks and I am soooo glad to see you here!

Teri

As a newly retired person as of 1/1/05, the best advice I can give you is:

1. Get a calendar and block off 3 months!  Start counting backwards and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES sign up or commit yourself to anything!!  You have to stop the YEARS OF BUSYiness that you are used to.  Many of the folks that retired with me, signed for classes & stuff and ended up totally living the same life style.  Give yourself a break ...  take a vacation, whatever!  For me, I chose to tacking turning my house into my home (I spent anywhere from 9-12 hours 5 days a week working - so basically, I just lived here)!  I took everything out of every closet, box, whatever and went thru it.  I got rid of so much crap! 
2. Walk thru house and make a list of everything you have ever wanted to do and go thru the list.  Do you still want to do it?  and Why?  
3. Do the same with your yard.
4. Give yourself permission to slow down.

At first experienced fear - I've never known a time without working -- I retired 2 months short of my 31 years (and that doesn't include other jobs I've worked). 

 

Is it a wonderful experience!  As long as you give yourself permission to enjoy the time.  Step back and BREATHE.  I mean, when was the last time you had time off, got paid for months and months and months! 

 

Funny thing, I always thought I was an afternoon person, but I'm up anywhere from 7 to 8 a.m. every day!  No alarm clock!   And I had to use an alarm clock to get up every morning to go to work!

 

 

It sounds like you've hit that time in your life where you're "taking stock." It seems you are dissatisfied with your off time, and are thinking maybe the job is the fault. Please don't think this way. You said yourself that it feels natural and that you have fun with it, despite the fact that it can be stressful. I'm sure that you help many people who forget to say thank-you, but they are indebted nevertheless. It sounds like you may have regrets about not having a family of your own? This is very natural at your stage in life, just remember that it too shall pass. There are many different kinds of family, not just the ones that we think of first. Maybe it's time to do something you've always wanted to do, but never gave yourself permission to do? BTW, turtles are sacred to Hawaiians, you see them everywhere over there.

Monica,

 

When I worked in the hotel industry years ago, I had a good friend who was the head housekeeper for a rather upscale hotel.  She had the place spotless!  She worked hard to keep her staff on task and thorough.  Well, one day I went to her home for a get-together and I was shocked to see a dusty, cluttered home!  I don't know why I was so shocked...as a teenager I used to detail cars, yet my car was always dirty and I never vacuumed it. 

 

My point is, often when we are organized in our profession, we tend to overfunction/underfunction in our personal lives.  You stay trim, fit, and hope to someday attract a mate, yet I wonder where you have time to go where you would meet someone who could potentially fill that role.  Of course, having Spirit as a companion is not a bad thing, and learning to live with yourself is a good thing, being alone can be quite lonely. 

 

I suppose one thing I would do is identify my needs and make a plan to fulfill them, keeping in mind I need to be open and listening for the "whispers", as I call them.  Quite often we pray and ask for guidance, listening for a shout as an answer when really the gentle whispers are the ones that carry the true message, if that makes any sense. 

 

I commend you on your journey my heart goes to you with smiles and good energy.

Teri