Message Boards
Topic : General Advice
As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.
|
May 4, 2007, 1:19 pm PDT
 I've got something of a problem, but before I tell you, you're all going to need to know a few things ... My little sister, who is 10, is something of a menace, though I guess that's not entirely her fault. When she was very little she was diagnosed with Celiac's Disease. Add to that the fact that she is a little more than two years behind where she should be mentally (no, this ain't big brother calling li'l sister an idiot), yet about two years ahead where she should be physically, it's created a lot of strain for us as a family. One year she missed fifty days of schooling because she was so sick. All of that's more or less under control now, but more issues have been coming up recently. The big one has to do with my mother. She started working at a job that was only supposed to be part-time, but she ended up working a lot of full-time hours...without the benefits. So, after doing some looking, she comes across a job that she seems to think would be ideal. Only problem? It's going to be through the summer, four days a week, and she wants either me or my older sister to take care of the "Little" one. She's even promised to pay whoever looks after the li'l sis. The big problem: my little sister is impossible to deal with. The word of Big Brother and Big Sister should be Law when Mom and Dad are away, but she doesn't understand that she needs to listen to us so she a) avoids doing something stupid, like getting hurt, b) does all the things she needs to do, like schoolwork. She delights in getting me into trouble, and making situations seem really worse than they are. Most of the time, she just sits on the computer playing games, which keeps her out of trouble, but also seems to prevent us from getting her to do anything else. Forcibly removing her is like trying to haul a sack of freaking bricks. So, when Mom came to us with an offer of babysitting our little sister, Big Sis and I flat out refused. I love my little sister dearly, but not enough to throw my summer away looking after her four days of the week. I don't get outside enough as it is. I would like to use the summer as an opportunity to get outside more and do things, but the thing is, so does my mother, and my little sister is just too much of a liability to let her stay home on her own for any length of time. When we refused, mom left the house all in a huff to get back to her current job. She made us (my older sister and I) feel like somehow it was our fault, that the fact she had to give up her new job opportunity (she guilt trips like that a lot) is going to cost her the rest of her future or something. She ignored us when we pointed out that there were plenty of other, better job opportunities ot there. To clarify the issue a bit here, My older sister and I would be perfectly willing to take care of my little sister if she were a little more well-behaved and actually listened to someone other than Mom, but...she just doesn't. She just doesn't have the maturity--even for a ten-year-old--to realize that she needs to learn to act with some self-restraint. I would like to be able to take care of my little sister. I would like to for my Mom to be able to take the job offers that she can. The trouble is, with the hours she'd be working, and the little one's unwillingness to do what us older two tell her...it's just not going to work. Personally speaking, I think my mom's making this into a bigger issue than it really should be. She's gone a lot of the day and doesn't realize what a terror the "little" one can be. So, now, my big sister and I are in a Catch-22: either we accept the babysitting offer and stay tied down at home with an impossible child for most of the summer, or we refuse and we get to all next week to hear of "You ungrateful kids! Eighteen years I've spent raising you, I've got no freedom, blah, blah blah..." News flash, mom: we haven't got all that much freedom either, despite what you may think. She may have wanted that job, but it's not like we're cash-poor anything. And since my dad's going to be out of town all next week, it's going to be even more entertaining. Woo. So, the only thing I can ask for is: Help? |
|
|
May 8, 2007, 3:52 pm PDT
Quote From: cccmomof3 My son Hunter is going to be 4 in June and he is still not potty trained. We started trying to potty training him when he was about 2 1/2 but is was very clear that he was not ready so we back off. Since then we have tried a very relaxed approach. About a nine ago we had him peeing in the toilet but he refused to poo in the toilet. He would say that he just can't . I would ask him over and over during the day if he had to go and he would says no. But instead of making forward progress about 3 month ago he stopped peeing in the toilet and wets in in under ware. He gets very embarrassed if people know he has pooed himself. He will hide from my husband and myself when he goes. We have NEVER punished him for going poo or pee in his pants and that in no an option. He knows that he has to go because a couple of days he had been wearing under wear and came out of his room wearing a pull up ( we keep pull ups for him to sleep in) and we had pooed. If the kid can change himself to go why can't he sit on the toilet and go? I have tried everything. We had a chart with stickers, we had a jar of candy on the back of the toilet, my mother-in-law bought him a train and said when you go you can have it, my mother said she would take him to the store and by any toy he wants. I have set him on the toilet about a half an hour after he eats, we would sing or read books, we let him pick out big boy underwear.He really wants to go to preschool and we told him he couldn't go until he is potty trained. He has pooed in the potty two times. and we had a party. we called grandmas and let him tell them and he was very excited to do so. Up to this point I have not put a lot of pressure on him. However I have been consistent. If I ask him over and over again if hr has to go to the bathroom he will hold it in. Then he gets a tummy ache. I have two teen age girls that we potty train with no trouble at all. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I could really use some help. I'm right there with you on this one! Although my son is only 3, he sounds just like your Hunter. Dylan can pull his underwear down, sit on the toilet, do his business, get himself off, pull his pants up and even wash his hands by himself afterwards ... but he just WON"T! He'll scream and whig out on me. I'd tried everything until I called my mom. She said that even though I'm giving him praise when he does decide to go potty that I'm still putting too much pressure on him. My new plan is (as painful as it is to me) to pretend it's no big deal whether he goes or not. I'm trying to be very nonchalant about the whole thing. He peed and pooped in the potty yesterday. He asked me to blow bubbles while he went but he went voluntarily.
My mom's point was that although I was giving positive reinforcement it was still pressure to perform. Can you pee or poo when someone is watching you and asking every couple of minutes if you've gone yet? I also think my Dylan is more like my husband ... you have to trick him into volunteering to do anything :o). If you ask, he'll say no ... no matter what it is.
Good luck! Oh yeah, here's a quote from my sister: "Don't worry ... he won't be wearing diapers in college!! Sooner or later, everyone gets potty trained!" |
|
|
May 8, 2007, 4:08 pm PDT
Quote From: tiredmomof2 I don't know what to do with my son anymore! He has waaaay too much attitude he never listens to me he picks fights with everyone in the house hold. I am sooo tired of having to tell him something fifty times (no exaggeration). I swear my kid hates me! Please tell me i am not alone in this! I just wish i knew what to do about i have tried everything i can think of and nothing is working. My now 9 year old was the same way. Finally I made a new family rule and it applied to everyone including me. It goes like this: You have 3 chances. First time you're asked to do something and you don't respond you get a warning (I gave them this because sometimes they just didn't hear me calling them). After the second time and you don't respond then this is you're last chance to run and get the chore done. If the third time comes then I take a priviledge away for 2 days (i.e. bicycle, computer, gameboy, game system, etc.) and he still has to do the chore. I've even taken away my son's pillows for 2 nights ... that got his attention.
You're kid doesn't hate you, he just knows every button to push with you. You're job is to find HIS buttons and make sure he feels it. You also need to stop reacting in front of him. Hold your cool until you can get to the bedroom and scream into your pillow. The more you react the more he'll push.
As for the fighting, good luck with that one. I finally started putting my boys in their rooms and closing the door in an older kid version of a "time-out" and the time limit was a 1/2 hour. Usually by then they don't remember why they were fighting to begin with. |
|
|
May 14, 2007, 11:07 am PDT
Quote From: ezekielcrow I've got something of a problem, but before I tell you, you're all going to need to know a few things ... My little sister, who is 10, is something of a menace, though I guess that's not entirely her fault. When she was very little she was diagnosed with Celiac's Disease. Add to that the fact that she is a little more than two years behind where she should be mentally (no, this ain't big brother calling li'l sister an idiot), yet about two years ahead where she should be physically, it's created a lot of strain for us as a family. One year she missed fifty days of schooling because she was so sick. All of that's more or less under control now, but more issues have been coming up recently. The big one has to do with my mother. She started working at a job that was only supposed to be part-time, but she ended up working a lot of full-time hours...without the benefits. So, after doing some looking, she comes across a job that she seems to think would be ideal. Only problem? It's going to be through the summer, four days a week, and she wants either me or my older sister to take care of the "Little" one. She's even promised to pay whoever looks after the li'l sis. The big problem: my little sister is impossible to deal with. The word of Big Brother and Big Sister should be Law when Mom and Dad are away, but she doesn't understand that she needs to listen to us so she a) avoids doing something stupid, like getting hurt, b) does all the things she needs to do, like schoolwork. She delights in getting me into trouble, and making situations seem really worse than they are. Most of the time, she just sits on the computer playing games, which keeps her out of trouble, but also seems to prevent us from getting her to do anything else. Forcibly removing her is like trying to haul a sack of freaking bricks. So, when Mom came to us with an offer of babysitting our little sister, Big Sis and I flat out refused. I love my little sister dearly, but not enough to throw my summer away looking after her four days of the week. I don't get outside enough as it is. I would like to use the summer as an opportunity to get outside more and do things, but the thing is, so does my mother, and my little sister is just too much of a liability to let her stay home on her own for any length of time. When we refused, mom left the house all in a huff to get back to her current job. She made us (my older sister and I) feel like somehow it was our fault, that the fact she had to give up her new job opportunity (she guilt trips like that a lot) is going to cost her the rest of her future or something. She ignored us when we pointed out that there were plenty of other, better job opportunities ot there. To clarify the issue a bit here, My older sister and I would be perfectly willing to take care of my little sister if she were a little more well-behaved and actually listened to someone other than Mom, but...she just doesn't. She just doesn't have the maturity--even for a ten-year-old--to realize that she needs to learn to act with some self-restraint. I would like to be able to take care of my little sister. I would like to for my Mom to be able to take the job offers that she can. The trouble is, with the hours she'd be working, and the little one's unwillingness to do what us older two tell her...it's just not going to work. Personally speaking, I think my mom's making this into a bigger issue than it really should be. She's gone a lot of the day and doesn't realize what a terror the "little" one can be. So, now, my big sister and I are in a Catch-22: either we accept the babysitting offer and stay tied down at home with an impossible child for most of the summer, or we refuse and we get to all next week to hear of "You ungrateful kids! Eighteen years I've spent raising you, I've got no freedom, blah, blah blah..." News flash, mom: we haven't got all that much freedom either, despite what you may think. She may have wanted that job, but it's not like we're cash-poor anything. And since my dad's going to be out of town all next week, it's going to be even more entertaining. Woo. So, the only thing I can ask for is: Help? you could try together with your mom to make your sister listen to you, but i'm not sure if it will work when she's away, but can't you just get a babysitter, that she will listen to, or something like that? |
|
|
May 22, 2007, 10:48 am PDT
Quote From: tajelilant The fact that your boyfriend is planning to show up to court to exercise his parental rights should mean something to the judge right there. To my knowledge, in most states and in most courts, a mother would have to have a very darned good reason to keep her child away from his father - something tangible, something that proves, beyond a shadow of doubt, that the child seeing his father would in some way cause "actual or substantial" harm to the child. The mother's feelings alone w/out any valid legitimacy won't mean much to most judges out there if they are following the laws that are set in place regarding child custody and visitation issues. I have done a lot of research on child custody and visitation for various personal reasons. As for the step-parent adoption, I live in NYS and I'm not sure how much the laws very from state to state, but I know that here we need the biological father's written consent for the step-father to adopt. Doing so takes away a natural father's rights and that is HUGE. Even if the father is truly absentee for several years, he still has to sign a consent to adopt and the only way around that is to prove valid reason his rights should be taken away - and that would mean proving that a step-parent adoption would not only be in the child's best interest, but also that the natural father having rights could cause harm to the child. Without the father's consent to adoption, it would take a LOT for an adoption to go through. Does he pay child support? If so, that right there excludes him from fitting the definition of an "absentee parent". Unfortunately, it appears that the law regards court-ordered and wage-deducted support as a more valid proof of taking responsibility for parenting than just being there in person, taking care of the child. The non-custodial parent is considered "deadbeat" if support is not paid, in most cases. There are a lot of variables, but if your boyfriend has been an active part of his son's life, and more than that - if he shows that he WANTS to be/continue to be, that will stand for a lot... if he has paid child support, that will stand for even more. There is no reason, then, that regular visitation wouldn't be granted, perhaps even joint custody, if your boyfriend pursued that. Let me just point out one additional thing, on the flip side, if you don't mind. Please take no offense to this, but in some people's cases, it might be something to consider. My sons' father has been more like a fun "Uncle" or "godfather" in our 2 boys lives. He was there very rarely when they were babies - even when I was sick (or they were sick, for that matter), he was always "so busy". Neither of them recognized him when they were babies, he was like any other house visitor when he came by to see them. By the time each turned 3, they came to view him as this fun guy they get to see once in a blue moon - again, like a father or Uncle, of sorts. I know that he "loves" them in his own way, but I do not believe he loves them the way full-time responsible and caring fathers bond with and love their children. I never asked him for a dime of support until only 2 years ago (they are 7 and 9 now), and he pays a mere $100 a month, weeks late every month - only after I call him a couple times to - ahem - "remind" him. I am married to a wonderful man now, they call my husband "Daddy", and they can tell you themselves that he is the one raising and taking care of them. Their biological father calls once or twice a month for a 5-minute conversation or less, and he comes and gets them for a couple hours on a Sunday afternoon once a month or less. More recently, he started picking them up on a Saturday night (still only once a month or less) around 9 p.m. or so, takes them to his and his girlfriend's house to spend the night, sleeps until 1 or 2 the next afternoon (he and his girlfriend, not the kids), and brings them back by dinnertime Sunday. I stress - still once a month or less. Before my now-husband was a big part of our lives, I used to ask their biological father to please get them more often, as they have so much fun spending time w/him and really need that role model. What was I thinking?!??! Once my husband (at the time, boyfriend/fiance) told me that he planned to raise my boys with the same love and devotion he provides his flesh and blood children, I stopped asking their father to get them. And he actually went several months w/out bothering. On the rare occassion he does call, he never asks how school is going, he does not even know what school they go to because he has never asked. Though I told him when our younger son was having surgery, he never called and asked about it and I'm sure that the date just "slipped his mind". I can go on and on and on w/the stories of how involved in his own life he is, etc... but my point comes down to this. Little things are said and done and relayed that give me the impression that his girlfriend/fiance thinks that I keep the boys from their father. I believe he makes her think that he pays support and yet I deny him access to the boys, and that I just want my husband to be their Dad and so I am trying to exclude their father from their lives. I wonder - does she realize how many years I begged him to be more responsible about his fatherhood? Does she know that he only pays $100/month and it's late every time, and I only get it because I don't leave him alone until I get it? Does she realize that there are periods he has gone months w/out calling or asking for them? Remember that there are always two sides to a story. Keep in mind the possibility that your boyfriend's ex may feel that she has very valid reasons to want her current husband to be her son's father. Maybe my story and yours are nothing alike, but I felt compelled to remind anyone in your shoes to make sure that you know the WHOLE story, and that your boyfriend is telling you everything. If he is, then she shouldn't have a leg to stand on in court. Good Luck and keep us updated! My mom went through the same thing with my "bio" dad. She never said anything bad about my dad. But believe me, she bit her tounge so hard and so many times, i'm sure she had to pick it up off of the floor! As a grown woman and a mother of 3, i'm going through the same thing. Kids are smart and figure out alot on their own. Plus they don't forget. I gave my dad alot of chances, till this day he still never comes when promised. I go on with my life knowing that someday he'll come over and i won't be waiting for him. As for my "x" husband, i protect my children as much as i can. I have 2 jobs, one to pay for the bills and the other pays for the lawyer. I have a file of legal and when my kids are old enough to understand, i'll give it to them. This way it shows i've always let my x see the kids, even though he doesn't pay a dime. etc. Court orders don't lie. I'd rather not get any money from the x and him not to but the kids that often. It's worth it to me and the well being of the little minds of my girls. I always protect my girls, the court system doesn't put up with alot of garbage now of days. ALWAYS......WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN FOR COURT, dates, times, etc. Good Luck. |
|
|
May 25, 2007, 10:54 am PDT
I have a 6 year old daughter who is exhibiting curious behavior. It makes me really nervous and scared to know that she is only six and already I am having to deal with it. She used to go to a daycare previously where she had her pants pulled down twice by a boy at daycare, she no longer goes there. Here lately she was playing with my boyfriends children and they were in the room and she was pulling her pants down in front of them and when I asked her why she said they were playing house or something. The other day she was playing on the trampoline with the kids again and she was acting like the little boy was a baby and kissing him on the mouth. I tend to overreact when these situations happen which I know is wrong but it just makes me so concerned and worried and I don't know why she is exhibiting these behaviors? I told her that if she is curious she needs to come to talk to me about things and not anyone else because I will always talk to her and be honest with her. I am so worried and not sure what to do besides talk to her which I have done already. |
|
|
May 29, 2007, 11:36 am PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 When your daughter was playing house and kissed the baby on the mouth, you did the right thing by simply talking to her. You need to explain to her that you dont want her to be kissing anyone on the mouth, whether they are playing or not playing. Explain to her that it is inappropriate behavior; that you know she isnt trying to be naughty, but that from now on, not to do that. When your daughter said they were playing house as her reason as to why she pulled her pants down, that was her grasping at straws- trying to think up a reason, any reason, why she would have her pants down. Youve got to get firm with her, let her know that from now on you expect her to have her pants up at all times while playing, and if you find out she has pulled them down, she will have a punishment, because there is no reason at all to have her pants down. She is six, that is old enough to understand that her body is private. Continue to talk to her about her body or any questions she might have- I have three daughters and since they were little Ive always encouraged them to ask questions about anything. Bedtime is a good, quiet and private time for this talk. Sometimes the kids need a little prompting, one time I said something like, Im so proud of you, you are growing up so fast, look at these long legs! and that prompted a question like, when will I be a lady like you? It was an opportunity for me to roughly go over the stages shell go through before shes a lady like me. Most of all, relax - you dont want your daughter to begin to hide her curiosity from you, knowing that it will send you into a frenzy. When something happens, talk to her about it later when you are in private. Best wishes to youJ Thank you for your response. I have talked to her and explained to her that this is inappropriate behavior to explore with other children and that if she has questions she should always come to me and not explore those with other children. She is a really great kid and very smart and I want her to grow up knowing that she can always come to me to discuss things. She has been through alot with not having her dad around and now with me dating someone that has three kids of his own. She has issues with that as well now and I am nervous about it all because I definitely don't want to put her in a situation to be traumatized or hurt. This guy is really great though and loves both of us very much so I think it's a positive thing. Again thank you for your reponse and any other advice you have is great.
Lisa |
|
|
May 30, 2007, 4:33 am PDT
What do you do after the abuse? People always seem to be concerned with finding out about it but hardly anyone ever talks about raising your kids post-sexual abuse or about sexual abuse by a sibling.
There is a ton of informtion around about educating your kids with age appropriate information and looking for warning signs. Well, I for one can say that IS good advice. It did work for my husband and I. My four year old was brave enough to come tell me that his uncle touched his penis and made him touch him back. My son told me three days later what had happened because I saw an opportunity to have a "mini talk" about yucky touch. So, our first step was to keep that from ever happening again. For this and other long-term reasons we decided to estrange ourselves from my whole family. So then we got him some counseling and always tried to keep communication going. He had nightmares for a while and would hold his pants a lot (looking like he had to potty). He said he held them because he had that tickle feeling from his uncle.
My husband and I finally got to a stage where we thought we were smooth sailing, and then we found out he had started touching my younger sons privates. My younger son was 2 and older son was then 6. So we researched and read everything we could about what to do and also followed our guts. It happened a couple more times and each time we tried to deal with it firmly and always told him we love him still and we very closely monitored them. It is impossible (and possibly emotionally harmful) to monitor your children every minute and every second. So now my son is a couple years older and we have found out that he has been doing it again. My youngest son has now told me (and the older one finally came out with the truth as well) that his older brother had tried to put things in his poo poo hole and it hurt. And that his older brother has touched his penis as well. I was alerted to something possibly going on when I started seeing unusually manipulative behavior from my older son. This last year we had gotten help from Social Services and went through counseling - my son had his own counselor. We diligently continue to do everything they tell us. Here is why I think my older son is doing this - he gets an arousal feeling and it is soo strong that he doesn't resist it and wants to feel it and then he turns sweetly deviant and manipulative towards his younger brother.
So my question is, how do we help my son to get rid of that feeling? I think that is the main reason this keeps happening. We have asked him to come to us and talk about it when he gets that feeling and we have even done role play. Everything we have tried to do has failed. We have tried to have lots of interesting activities available to him. He IS a GOOD kid. Our sons are both loving, caring, funny, helpful, inquisitive, and creative. It seems the only thing that we can't get past is this issue. Please, is there any way to stop this? We desperately need help. |
|
|
May 31, 2007, 11:39 pm PDT
I really love this article. You can get a lot of tips on how to teach your kids to always tell the truth, a very helpful tips.
http://www.mommyclub.ca/option,com_joomlaboard/Itemid,291/func,view/id,8220/catid,135/ |
|
|
June 1, 2007, 12:51 pm PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 Your son is seeing a counselor- what is the counselors advice regarding what is going on? My advice to you is to find out if there is a professional therapist specializing in sexual abuse in your area, and make an appt. for your son with that person. It is possible that the counselor he sees at this time doesnt have the right amount or type of training to be more helpful to him. You are doing great to focus on your sons positive traits and having a lot of interesting activities available to them. It sounds like you and your husband are doing all of the right things, but you need more guidance because he is still sexually abusing his brother. Along with your sons separate therapy, I urge you to seek family therapy, also. This isnt just your sons issue; it is your whole familys issue. You suggest that it is impossible and maybe emotionally harmful to monitor your kids at all times, but the alternative is taking the risk that your younger son will be sexually abused. You cant take that risk anymore. You dont have to be looking over his shoulder at all times, but you should be within eyesight when the kids are together. I imagine this is emotionally draining for you and your husband, but until this issue is resolved, you don't have any choice but to keep searching for a solution. I wish you the best! The counselor he is seeing specializes in sexual abuse. He was referred to us through Social Services. Actually there is a team of speciaists working with all of us. They all say we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing. Will this ever be in the past? How will I know when I can trust him??? |
|
