Topic : General Advice

At what point does a child have it in them to stop touching a younger siblings privates? If it is an addiction for him, which I think it is, how do you help a child stop? What has to happen psychologically for them to stop doing that? Is it when they finally feel bad enough or understand how wrong it is? How do you help them learn that? What triggers that internal monitoring of their own behavior? Or do they stop when they realize the external consequences (punishment) is too bad? Ideally, I would like to use the external consequences for now, (to try to put a stop to the behavior in the present) and also focus on helping him learn the internal consequences (to put a stop to the behavior in the future). I would like to understand that learning process to best be able to help my son.

I have zero advice for you, b/c I just haven't been in your situation and I'm no professional. I do want to tell you that I've read your posts, and my heart goes out to you. This has to be the hardest thing to deal with. I do agree with the other poster who said you can't leave your children alone together. It's ultimately about protecting the other child as well as dealing with your son. Until your son gets to a point where he CAN be trusted, he has to be closely monitored. You don't want the younger child getting older and having to deal with this issue from that child as well. It's understandable that your son liked the feelings of arousal. I don't know how long it will take before he "gets it" that sex (any form of it) belongs to someone much older. He's now experienced this, and it's going to take awhile to get him to understand. I'm so glad you've got the experts working with you on this.

But what about you? What are you doing for yourself to be good to yourself during all of this? I can only imagine the pain you've felt...and must still be feeling. Please be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. If you don't take care of you, it's going to be harder to take care of anyone else.

I so wish I had something for you here. I just don't..thankfully having to never have lived it myself. I do know that it's a complicated issue, and there are no "pat" answers here. My heart does go out to you. If you need to talk, my email addy is in my profile. Feel free to use it. I've got children myself, and have dealt with some pretty tough issues. Just so you'll know...my own now 17yo son is in an adult county jail, awaiting trial to determine what's going to happen to him. I know how it feels to have problems with your kids.

I wish you all the best, and I'd give you a huge hug (and we'd cry a few tears as well) if I could. Hang in there.....Becky

 
I have a 6 year little girl and she is the only child. Her father has nothing to do with her so I raise her myself. She is very stronged well child. If she doesnot get what she wants then it is war. I have punished her several ways by no tv, no pc, no play time with friends, grounded, time out, in the corner, charts, etc. i could go on and on. Seems nothing can get thru to her. She has started going number 2 in her pants now and i cant get thru to her that is a big no! She is in school now and i need to get this stoped/ I am to the point i am majorly stressed out. Every night when it is time to pick her up from camp or day care i dred it. All my family is in another state so i have no where to take her when i need a break. I love my child with all my herat but i just dont know what else to do for her. right now we live with her great grandmother and it is alot of stress on her also. My concern is Grandmother is not getting any younger. Any advice you have for me would be nice. I NEED MAJOR HELP NOW!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE SOME ONE HELP ME....

i don't know how consistent you are, but you should be very consistent even more so if she doesn't listen. make some rules explain them to her, and ALWAYS keep to them. furthermore you have to find her currency. if it is playing outside then that's the punishment. putting them in the corner usually also works, if you do it for 6 minutes or longer, eventually she will get bored and want to get out, it can also be after 10 minutes, you have to figure it out. i don't know what you should do with pooping in her pants. she is doing it on purpose i assume, so maybe makeb it a rule, that she can't, and if she does it, there will be punishment. i'm not a fan of letting kids clean up their own poop, but in this case, if you have tried everything, if she poops in her pants, make her clean it. she will not like it, and hopefuly after a couple of times stop it. another main punishment way, is taking away candies. kids love them, and i don't know your eating patterns, but if she doesn't listen, she will not get a candy, or dessert for that day. so she''ll only get the three main meals. you could also talk to day care, about how they handle her.

if you punish her, explain her what she is punished for, although you probably already do that

Dr. Phil is always asking "just what business is it of your's?" I need someone else's opinion on this. I am so tired of worrying about my grandson. He will be five years old the end of this month.I have a step-daughter who is 28 years old and does not work. She will tell you in a heartbeat that she doesn't cook. I think her problem is that she doesn't know how to cook. She is not the issue though, it is my grandson that I am worried about. According to his height and weight he is overweight. He is over the 95th percentile with a BMI of 18.6.

 

The relationship between my step-daughter and myself has always been strained to say the least.  I am very opinionated and I usually speak what's on my mind. I do so with my 22 year old daughter, but step-children are different. Two years ago, my step-daughter and I had terrible words when I told her then that he was over the 95th percentile and was considered overweight. You just can't imagine the junk food she feeds him. I could write a page on the awful eating habits in their household. She was giving him Fruit Loops before he was even old enough to ask for them. I told her then that she needed to be giving him Cheerios. I told her that she needed to change his eating habits and hopefully he would thin out some. Well, he hasn't. She fed him a Little Debbie Oatmeal Pie before I picked him up to play for the morning. The first ingredient listed on the lable is corn syrup (I looked at a box in the grocery store the other day). He still asked for a bowl of oatmeal when I got him home, so I made a bowl for him. Just regular Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal. He always want this when he comes over. My step-daughter can't or won't even fix this for him for breakfast.

 

I am a type 1 diabetic. We eat mostly good healthy foods at our house. We rarely ever give the grandson junk food. I dreamed one night several months ago that Ethan (the grandson) was a diabetic. The dream was a nightmare. I don't want him to become one of the statistics in America concerning type 2 diabetes and overweight children. He spends entirely too much time in front of the computer/tv/video games.

 

Her dad doesn't want to get involved. He says that "she's grown". But like I told him, it will be Ethan (our grandson) who pays the price if nothing changes. Please just tell me if this is any of my business or not..........just yes or no.......for Ethan's sake.

i think this is your bussines. if a child is at risk of getting diabetes, i think everybody who can, should do something. also, people who are overweight as kids, will have more trouble staying at a normal weight, than people who were at a normal weight as kids. and your step-daughter, teaches your grandson a lifestyle. so this will most likely become his lifestyle too. because that was normal at home. so i think you should get involved. do you have him regularly, do you babysit him? if so, you could teach him a healthy lifesztyle, which you already do, and take him to a couple of sports, and let him try them out, so he will want to go on sports.

so i think you should get involved, and you should get her father involved. this is a kids life she is ruining, an innocent kid

Eeek. This is a toughie. When it comes to grandchildren, the grandparent is expected to take a back seat to the parents style. I think it would be useless to talk to HER. I'd sit my son down, if I were you. I'd find every bit of information I could on childhood diabetes, and other information about the detriments of being overweight. Your son has to realize that HE is just as responsible as she is. When your grandson visits, you can teach him about a healthier lifestyle. You can teach him how much fun it is to be outside....physical activities. You can provide things in your own home that will get him moving.

I know what I'm about to say doesn't mirror your own situation. I had a baby at 42...my  youngest. He isn't really overweight...but he's a BIG boy. His paternal great grandfather was 6'5", and weighed about 300. BIG MAN. Played football for OU way back when. All American. Those genes are apparent in my own little boy. He's 6, btw. I have a trampoline in my back yard...I have a swimming pool. I have purchased "toys" for him that get him moving. Even if it's this little thing called a "Zoingo Boingo"...it's something that he does more jumping around with. Skates. We have a dog that is walked regularly, and he accompanies me on those walks. I have ZERO junk food in my house. There are fresh fruits and veggies, and he loves the little baby carrots in the bag. And yet...he's still a big boy. To some, he might look a little overweight. He is just a product of his DNA. I understand this is not your grandson's case...his mother is plying him with things that are eventually going to choke his arteries. At the least. All you can do at this point (in my opinion) is to hammer away at your son, and provide an example for your grandson when he visits. And I'd get him as often as they'd let me have him......

Good luck...

It's a paternal grandson. My step-daughter is my husband's child. My son-in-law and I don't get along well either. I keep journals and I've been looking back at some notes. Just to give you an idea as to how long the bad habits have been going on I'll list a few I came across. When Ethan (the grandson) was 14 months old my husband and I walked in and my step-daughter had a crumbled up powdered sugar donut she was letting him eat. One day we'd picked him up to come play and when we took him home, she immediately sat him down in the high chair and gave him a sucker--he was still in a high chair!!!. One morning she was talking to me and told me Ethan had fallen asleep before supper and she just let him sleep. She told me she woke him up long enough to feed him and he went right back to sleep. She fed him a HONEY BUN AND CHOCOLATE MILK!!!! She didn't save him a plate of supper......I have no idea as to what they had that night. It most likely didn't have any veggies. On one occassion we went over and they were having corn-dogs for supper. She'd mentioned earlier that they'd had pizza the night before, the night before that they'd had Manwiches (sloppy-joes), and the night before that they'd gone out to eat. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Also, he's built just like his dad. He's not going to have the height that my step-daughter has. He'll wind up being of medium height for a man and stocky.

 

We only get him once or twice a week for maybe half the day. He wanted a basket ball so I picked one up for him just last week. Even though I try and encourage outside play, quite often he still wants to watch tv. He's been on a sock puppet kick lately. I even made some puppets for us to play with. Last week I had to tell him I was just tired of sock puppets. But no more time than we spend with him, we can't be much of an influence as to his diet.

 

Both my husband and I have mentioned the bad feeding habits to my step-daughter in the past and she gets very icy in a hurry. She is not receptive to any suggestions--or criticisms I guess I should say. I just thought I may try one more time to talk to her and tell her I would gladly eat my words if he does get a growth spurt and thins out, but she still needs to feed him healthy foods. Do you have any suggestions with this added information about my situation???

Ok, she's your stepdaughter. Ikes. It sounds as though your relationship was already rocky before the baby came in the picture, right? I don't know how easy it will be to go back and make amends, try to undo some of the past between the two of you. I don't know how long you've been in her life, what kind of influence you were, etc. etc. etc. It could very well be that you are going to just have to try to do the best you can with the situation. The other poster who suggested your apologizing and attempting to put your relationship with her back on solid footing is a good one....but when it comes to stepdaughters...

Mother/daughter relationships can be difficult enough. They grow. They challenge. It's all part of their maturing and finding their own way in this world. The mom is the strongest influence in her daughter's life. (I'm not saying dads aren't a strong influence...but kids identify mostly with their same-sex parent) If you all have a long history of angst, it's going to be a bit difficult. There's certainly no harm in trying, however.

Barring that....you have extremely limited exposure to your grandson. I'd still provide him with every avenue I could. He's going to grow...get bigger...and who knows? Maybe the habits he learns at your home could spill over into his own. If he learns to love certain foods at your house, he might just someday beg for them at home. If able, I'd go buy bicycles..skates...whatever I could to get him moving. I'd strictly limit the game playing, no matter HOW much he loves it. I've had to do that with my own son. He didn't like it at first, but he got used to it. He now prefers to be outside. If you get him interested in the preparation and cooking of healthy foods (within his ability, of course) you're teaching him habits he can keep the rest of his life. And I don't know about you, but playing with my son is exhausting...but I get out there and do it anyway. The walks are especially great...we live in a rural area, so we get to see all kinds of unique and beautiful things on our walks. I get to see things through a child's eyes, kwim? Good time for great conversation as well. You could let him know that it's ok to ask mom for something healthier. That's not to say to start in on him...but just let him know it's ok to ask for them.

When someone's parenting style is attacked (either real, or perceived) you've lost quite a bit of footing here. And suggesting that she's not feeding him right is enough for her to likely feel as though you're attacking her parenting style. We're hypersensitive sometimes to criticism when it comes to how we're raising our children. I AGREE with you..just so you know. She DOES need to be feeding him healthier. But I still think your best option is to try to teach him a love for a healthy lifestyle. You know....the old "teach a man to fish" analogy? Good luck!

Sometimes we get so stressed we can tune out.  You need family support.  If your family is supportive of you, I would consider relocating someplace closer to them.  I have 4 little boys, under 10.  You should take your daughter to a pediatrician or family physician.  She may be constipated.  Some children get so backed up they lose bowel control.  She may need stool softeners and bowel retraining.  It isn't too serious, one of my boys had this problem.  Don't assume she's doing it on purpose.  She's 6, if it isn't constipation, then she desperately wants your attention.  Spend more time with her doing things she likes, see if it helps.  Try to get yourself some support, being a parent is the hardest, but most important job you will ever have.  Best wishes.