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Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

Number of Replies: 275
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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:07:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 01/18/08) Do you have someone in your life who’s so annoying and frustrating that you just want him or her to go away? What do you do when that person is your ex and the parent of your children? Todd says his ex-wife, Nicholle, needs to butt out of his life, even though they share custody of their two daughters. He says he’s tired of her showing up unannounced, so she can be with the girls when it isn’t her time. Nicholle says Todd and his new wife, Michelle, fail to keep her informed about the girls -- like the time their little girl was in the emergency room. Both parents agree that the girls feel upset every time they have to go to their dad’s house. Cameras capture a typical custody exchange. What is the cause of the chaos? Dr. Phil points out the mistakes these divorced parents are making as he tries to get to the bottom of the threats and name-calling. Can these co-parents learn how to get along with each other for the sake of the kids? Then, meet a mother who hates her son-in-law so much, she refuses to have a relationship with her own daughter unless she divorces him. They face off for the first time in three years. Talk about the show here.

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January 14, 2008, 7:15 am CST

Peggy

Help!!  I have been married since July of 2007 - My husband did one heck of a con job on me, and now?  I want him to butt out!!  He claimed to be a Christian, deceived me completely by telling me he "has friends. and things to do, has a life of his own...."  I know this may sound insensitive, but backing up, I believed him that he would "get a life of his own" aside from our partnership based on his promises, and now?? I come to find out he lied about the whole thing that he was trying to portray...He is chronically depressed, into porn, has NO friends of his own, and refuses to try.  We are going to counseling for the first time in a year and a half between dating and marriage, but the "butt out" comes in because he refuses to have a life of his own unless it involves me somehow, and he has turned out to be a major "cling on"  I expressed my need to have a good and balanced marriage and I have a life, he has a life, and we have a life, and of course he is important - but he lies, and pretends that everything was "Ok" - and the whole time he has been hiding a depression that has rocked my world.  I believe in the institution of marriage, and I wanted this to be a good Christian marriage, and it has been nothing but a nightmare.  He does not care about anything, he has no emotions, and I feel duped in the way that he hid all of this until after we were married - then?  The porn, the depression, and everything he worked so hard to lie about have gotten worse!  He PROMISED this would change, and his attitude even changed to make me believe he changed...Then?  He refuesed me on our wedding nite ( He was tired) and we have not consummated the marriage yet because I found out he was doing porn and I feel betrayed.  I have done everything I can to try to encourage him and get him involved in prayer, watching TBN, suggesting counseling for 6 months now, to anything you can imagine.  I am a VERY patient person...But he does NOT want to change....I am married now to him - I had hoped for keeps....I believe in marriage, and I have waited for 7 months, but he is just not trying, is depressed, conned me into believing he "is ok" but now I feel betrayed - He refuses to care about anything.....I have my sins too, and I have been praying for my husband, but he refuses to be interested in anything.  He admitted to having a pornography problem and now says he doesnt - He also says he has another voice telling him what to do, and then says he lied - he never said it.  I am a full time student and I want to move on with him, but be separated - I just cant take this anymore.....What do I do?  I want to try to make this work, but am I wasting my time?  We have been to 2 other mental health professionals, and he has lied to both - He fabricated his pornography analysis with the first one by ditching 1/2 the questions, so it was not complete - the second one we saw?  He said I want my wife to know how sad I am that this has afected her (the porn) but now he says he has no problem!  Yes, I want him to BUTT OUT and let me go so we can separate until he makes up his mind to stop lying.....But I feel like a bad wife because we havent been married that long....What do I do?             
 
January 14, 2008, 1:13 pm CST

01/18 "Butt Out!"

Quote From: tammyb7169

I remember all the wonderful things about my ex that drew me to him.  I remember the wonderful moments from our marriage.  However, our lives are no longer "together" and I can not allow him to continue to run my life.  Putting my children first is my ONLY priority.  I never speak badly about thier father or his girlfriend.  I never roll my eyes or get sarcastic when the girls speak of them.  I simply listen and I remind my girls that their father loves them.  I pray every day that my ex will get his life together and become a man that the girls can respect and look up to again. 

 

 

Some times it is not that easy.  My husband married his first wife because they had dated all throughout highschool.  She was the only girl he had ever 'known' and by the time they graduated she had ruined his self esteem so the next step was to just get married.  He was also wanting to be a gentleman and married her.  She charmed him with a good personality until the first child came along and then BAM.  All hell broke loose.  They have been divorced for years but still to this day she will not allow him to move on peacefully.  Sometimes when people get married they are very naive and young.  The person that he married was not who this woman was at all.  There are no redeeming qualities.  He wishes he had never met or married her but it is too late now!  Even still he has tried to work for the best of the children where as she uses their 13 year old as a best friend and the other child as a pawn.  She will stop at nothing to make him pay for not wanting her.  It would be nice to find some speck of a decent person to work with...but not everyone has that luxury.
 
January 15, 2008, 10:13 am CST

01/18 "Butt Out!"

Quote From: tammyb7169

MollyMouce, I agree, the kids do come first which is why I am limiting contact with my ex to text messaging and email.  Our kids do not need to see their father trying to hit me or hear him screaming at me and calling me names.  They need us both to be calm.  And I am calm away from him.  Peaceful in fact.  I don't speak negatively about my ex or his girlfriend in front of my kids.  I encourage the girls to love their father and to be patient with him when they are upset at his behavior.  but this is "My" life now.  He is not an immediate part of my life he does not have the right to tell me what to do, how to do it and when I should and should not date.  I have butted out of his life because we no longer share our lives as husband and wife.  He needs to butt out of mine.

I agree with YOU...the chidren should come first.  My husband has tried to do that in dealing with his ex but she unfortunately does not feel the same.  We have been married for a year and I still hear that she tells others that they are still together.  She was even getting mail at her house in his name.  We have never spoken a harsh word about her to the kids even when they tried to themselves.  And to thank us for our hospitality she yanks us back into court to try to drain him of any new dime that he may be making..as he is trying to make a better life for himself and OUR family.  She also has a problem with letting go of him and the fact that he is with someone else.  We avoid any contact with her yet she uses their children to get him to come around any time she can.  She needs to butt out of OUR lives.  She was putting his name on doctor's accounts, having mail sent to her that is in HIS name (which has to be illegal), picks up the chidlren when she isn't supposed to, finds reasons to get my husband to come by.  Drags us back to court for more $$ and less time with the kids...yet tells him that he can come spend time with them anytime no matter what the papers say.  I am divorced myself and I stay out of my ex's life.  He is dating a wonderful woman who I think is a wonderful influence on my children.  It is too bad that my husband and I were not given that same courtesy.  All because she can't let go.  She is going to try to make him pay for not wanting her or wanting anything to do with her.   And instead of trying to better herself she came after him for more $$ as soon as we got married and as soon as he graduated college and got his degree.  It is very frustrating.  I wish there were better laws about keeping someone out of your life.
 
January 16, 2008, 10:18 am CST

Frustrated Aunt

Help,

 

     Everyone can see my niece being scammed by a con artist.  He has taken her for several thousnad dollars and just married her for his green card. He is from Jordan. He will not live with her and she keeps hoping he will return and they will live happy ever after, but he keeps taking money from her.  He has done this before.Should I "Butt Out"? buffyerzen

 
January 16, 2008, 6:24 pm CST

To Sterm

Sterm,  I am sorry to hear about your situation.  I am a Dr. Phil fan and when he was in Roseville, CA  I was there.  I call my children up to watch a show  when they call me up with their marital wows but they don't like his show.  I believe he has some wise advice.  I have felt my toes get stepped on a few times myself, but then, the truth hurts sometimes. 

 

You said that Dr. Phil confirmed everything you knew to do already.  It sounds to me the only thing that was missing was the action needed.  You can lead the horse to the water but you can't force the horse to drink.

It sounds as if you took the action needed to  mend your differences. 

 

I  had a sister how spent bokoo bucks to get custody of her kids years ago and they fought and battled,  My mom was in the mess too but years down the road after the kids are grown he still helps her out.  They have even spent holidays together with the kids. 

 

Time heals wounds if you let it.  I have many life experiences that have taken me back to forgiveness..

 
January 17, 2008, 5:36 pm CST

are you kidding.....?

Quote From: pegilee

Help!!  I have been married since July of 2007 - My husband did one heck of a con job on me, and now?  I want him to butt out!!  He claimed to be a Christian, deceived me completely by telling me he "has friends. and things to do, has a life of his own...."  I know this may sound insensitive, but backing up, I believed him that he would "get a life of his own" aside from our partnership based on his promises, and now?? I come to find out he lied about the whole thing that he was trying to portray...He is chronically depressed, into porn, has NO friends of his own, and refuses to try.  We are going to counseling for the first time in a year and a half between dating and marriage, but the "butt out" comes in because he refuses to have a life of his own unless it involves me somehow, and he has turned out to be a major "cling on"  I expressed my need to have a good and balanced marriage and I have a life, he has a life, and we have a life, and of course he is important - but he lies, and pretends that everything was "Ok" - and the whole time he has been hiding a depression that has rocked my world.  I believe in the institution of marriage, and I wanted this to be a good Christian marriage, and it has been nothing but a nightmare.  He does not care about anything, he has no emotions, and I feel duped in the way that he hid all of this until after we were married - then?  The porn, the depression, and everything he worked so hard to lie about have gotten worse!  He PROMISED this would change, and his attitude even changed to make me believe he changed...Then?  He refuesed me on our wedding nite ( He was tired) and we have not consummated the marriage yet because I found out he was doing porn and I feel betrayed.  I have done everything I can to try to encourage him and get him involved in prayer, watching TBN, suggesting counseling for 6 months now, to anything you can imagine.  I am a VERY patient person...But he does NOT want to change....I am married now to him - I had hoped for keeps....I believe in marriage, and I have waited for 7 months, but he is just not trying, is depressed, conned me into believing he "is ok" but now I feel betrayed - He refuses to care about anything.....I have my sins too, and I have been praying for my husband, but he refuses to be interested in anything.  He admitted to having a pornography problem and now says he doesnt - He also says he has another voice telling him what to do, and then says he lied - he never said it.  I am a full time student and I want to move on with him, but be separated - I just cant take this anymore.....What do I do?  I want to try to make this work, but am I wasting my time?  We have been to 2 other mental health professionals, and he has lied to both - He fabricated his pornography analysis with the first one by ditching 1/2 the questions, so it was not complete - the second one we saw?  He said I want my wife to know how sad I am that this has afected her (the porn) but now he says he has no problem!  Yes, I want him to BUTT OUT and let me go so we can separate until he makes up his mind to stop lying.....But I feel like a bad wife because we havent been married that long....What do I do?             
 You write that he conned you, duped you, and doesn't want to change. You write that he has a porn problem (addiction), among others (depression, and seems from what you describe to be also narcissistic, sociopathic and mentally ill.) Your marriage has not been consummated.  He is a liar. And you don't know what to do?

The answer is, simply, GET OUT. NOW. You have grounds for an annulment of your marriage. All the prayer, Christian TV shows,  and counseling will not save this train wreck. You say you want to separate until he "makes up his mind to stop lying?" Tell me, when would that be? Let me tell you one thing- you do not have the power to make this all better. Educate yourself on porn addiction, narcissism, and sociopathy. You can do it all online by googling. Also, go to the "How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship" message board. There is lots to learn there. You cannot make this better, and yes, you are wasting your time. For God's sake, cut your losses now, before you lose yourself completely. Good luck.
 
January 18, 2008, 7:01 am CST

R U Serious

Pls mom stay out of your daughters marriage..Husbands come w/papers and they go w/papers.  You have to have a license to have one and  more papers to get rid of one...your child is your child forever..I know b/c my 23 yr old daughter is in her 3rd marriage and I have sill just 1 daughter and one   day your daughter might need you more than ever.
 
January 18, 2008, 7:03 am CST

Perpetually Punished

I have been watching this Dr. Phil show and I am sitting in my room in amazement. It could have been me, my currant husband and my ex-husband sitting on that stage at the first part of the show. I divorced my ex-husband almost 2 years ago. I remarried rather quickly after the divorce and I became pregnant shortly after that. Everything seemed to happen in a whirlwind, but the marriage for me ended years before the divorce occured.  I was tired of being unhappy and lonely, and when the chance at happiness came along, I jumped in and it was the best thing I ever did. I involved my children in the process all the way, spoke with them on several different occaisions to make sure they were OK with things. They love my new husband and their baby brother! My ex-husband on the other hand, gets remarried and doesn't tell the children anything. He tells them 8 days AFTER he got married that he is married and the new wife and daughter are moving in the following month. But then, they come spend a weekend with me, and when they go back to him, the new wife and daughter are already installed in the home, my son has been kicked out of his room for the new daughter, my girls have had their furniture removed so that new wife's furniture can be placed in the home....I could sit here and list my ex-husband's transgressions all day long, but that would be counter-productive. The bottom line is, he is continually punishing me for even having the nerve to divorce him in the first place. He uses our 3 children against me and fills their heads with lies in an effort to make them hate me as much as he does. It makes me sad that they are in this situation and we are currently going through the court system to resolve things. When I saw on the show that the couple had the ex-wife programmed in their phone as 'stupid' I was like "wow!" and it brought to my mind how my ex-husband has me programmed into his phone as 'worthless'. The children see that and it bothers them tremendously.  I love my children and it breaks my heart that they go through this. I try to discuss things with my ex, and he always turns things into an attack on me and my 'terrible parenting'. Dr. Phil says that sometimes relationships need a hero and I have tried so hard to be the bigger person for my children's sake. They tell me things that my ex says about me and I choose not to respond anymore. I used to get angry, but I no longer respond. It just perptuates things. It is now to the point that I barely get to speak to my children, I am not kept informed of medical visits to the doctor or what is going on in their lives educationally....my ex-husband has told my children's teachers not to communicate with me anymore (there is nothing from the court that says I cannot have contact with their teachers). The only thing that would make my ex speak anything but ill of me is if I was dead and even then, it would only be relief that he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.
 
January 18, 2008, 7:51 am CST

When one Parent Dies

Imagine this situation when a young mother dies and can not protect her children!

 

This situation has happened to a friend of mine. Although somewhat of a different twist in that the horrible messages and abuse has come primarily from the new wife.

 

I have been emailing the Dr. Phil show for over a year with no response trying to get some help with this before my friend passed. Too late we buried her last April 14. Now her 13 year old son is with his father and step-monster and is not allowed contact with his maternal grandmother, his maternal uncle and aunt, and certainly none of the countless friends of his mother. We are a group of mothers that have been a big part of this childs life and we miss him and are very concerned about his well being.

 

There is also an 18 year old daughter that has become the target of their sick lies and abuse. They now profess that they have "washed their hands" of her yet they continue to harrass her. She is not allowed to speak to her brother or see him.

 

WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS.......they are both precious beautiful young people and they should at least be allowed to have each other without anyone interfering. I am not in the habit of standing in judgement and I am sure there is fault on both sides of this horrible situation but.....that is water under the dam now.....the kids need each other and some help from someone.

 
January 18, 2008, 7:52 am CST

Stop Child Support and Support the Child

I firmly believe that if there was not child support (aka pile of gold for mothers) then both parties in divorce would support the child.  I know there is the extremely rare case of the "dead beat dad" but that is a very small percentage of dads who choose not to pay.  The truth is that in divorce the axe comes down and cuts the man's income most of the time and gives 20-40% to the woman.  No wonder most (more than 85% of divorces are filed by women. 

 

Todd, I know you got a raw deal as most men do.  But that does not excuse you for bad behavior.  I know you would want to get a call even after midnight about one of your girls being sick enough to go in the hospital.  That was wrong, so wrong.  I know you want the modification for child support.  I suggest you read up on it and go fight for it.  Hire a legal student from a nearby university to look up case law for you and go to court and represent yourself if that is all you can afford.  Most divorce lawyers are a rip-off anyway, also mediators.  You got screwed having to pay her for child support when you have 50/50 custody.  But I guess they put the fear into you that you would only see your girls every other weekend.  It's not fair, but you have to quit being victim and be strong.  Believe me I know it is not fair, but be proactive in father's rights and also do not lay down for this yourself and get it changed.  I see what your ex is doing as extortion, that's what happened with the mediator, isn't it?

 

Nichole,  you take child support from Todd when you share custody with him and you guys have equal time?  I hope that means you pay for the medical insurance, the doctor bills, sports equipment, extra-activities after school and buy them their clothes?  That is just wrong.  You should not be taking money from your ex just because you are divorced and can live a little better with the supplement.  Am I the only person who sees this doesn't add up.

 

The child support is causing the resentment.  Todd feels powerless to change it.  I am sure Dr. Phil doesn't realize the miscarriage of justice in family courts if he recommends Todd go back and get a modification (like it is so easy).  I hope someone will either take up that cause for Todd or else that Todd can get that for himself.  But I am guessing he is afraid that Nichole will demand more time with the kids and she'll get it. 

 

I'd be angry too if I were Todd. But that does not mean disgrace yourself by not calling the mom when there is an emergency and by calling names.  Please take the word "stupid" off of caller id, and try to calm down about it all.  I can see that Nichole pretends to be all perfect (typical ex-wife), she knows society is on her side, men are evil and the moms are supreme beings.

 

Nichole, I am a mother, I know you are alienating those girls from their dad.  Instead of continuing to probe them on the spankings as if their dad is an abuser which I think  you know is not true you should have asked them if they were following all the rules.  Nope, you wanted more information.  What message does this send your daughters?  I could see your wheels spinning right then, "I'll take him back to mediation or court and seek more time with the girls or full custody, then I'll have all the control and more money".

Nichole, until you put the axe down with your husband and get more realistic and fair about the child support, you only got that money b/c the mediator scared Todd into it. YOu know Todd is a good person and he wants to see his girls as much as possible, so  he is paying you for that privilege, that is extortion.  That kind of stuff is for crime families, not your family. 

 

If there was no child support someone would support the child.  I see two people who love their kids and want to be with them as much as possible, that was the only good thing I could see.

 

 

 
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