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Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

Number of Replies: 275
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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:07:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 01/18/08) Do you have someone in your life who’s so annoying and frustrating that you just want him or her to go away? What do you do when that person is your ex and the parent of your children? Todd says his ex-wife, Nicholle, needs to butt out of his life, even though they share custody of their two daughters. He says he’s tired of her showing up unannounced, so she can be with the girls when it isn’t her time. Nicholle says Todd and his new wife, Michelle, fail to keep her informed about the girls -- like the time their little girl was in the emergency room. Both parents agree that the girls feel upset every time they have to go to their dad’s house. Cameras capture a typical custody exchange. What is the cause of the chaos? Dr. Phil points out the mistakes these divorced parents are making as he tries to get to the bottom of the threats and name-calling. Can these co-parents learn how to get along with each other for the sake of the kids? Then, meet a mother who hates her son-in-law so much, she refuses to have a relationship with her own daughter unless she divorces him. They face off for the first time in three years. Talk about the show here.

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January 18, 2008, 8:00 am CST

Same situation

     I could not believe todays show.  This could have been my husband and I and his ex wife sitting there today.  But i what i'd really like to do is leave a message for Todd.  I felt so sorry for him by the end of the show.  I feel his and his current wife's pain.  My husband and I have been going through this same thing for the last 10 years (my husband actually 13 years).  The things Nicholle is doing to the girls, my husband's ex did to his son.  When we would go to pick him up from his mother's when he was younger he would cry and throw temper tantrums because he didn't want to go to our house.  She would call and tell him about vacations she was going on while he was at our home and how if he wasn't at his dad's he could go with her, call and tell him what she bought him while he's gone and tell him if he wants to come home he could have it, etc.  But that was roughly 6 or 7 years ago.  Now she is trying to completely alienate his father from him.  He recently (5 months ago) went to live with his mother full time and spend every other weekend with us after years of alternating weeks.  This, i believe has caused huge problems.  Now that he's 13 his mother thinks he should be able to make his own decisions.  If that means he doesn't want to spend holiday or weekend time that he's supposed to with his father, she believes he doesn't have to.  This came into play almost from the start of the new schedule.  She is supposed to have him to our home by 6pm on Friday evenings.  Well, first it was she had to work late and couldn't have him here on time, then it was she was scheduling doctors appoints either on Friday's at 6pm or around 8am on Saturday morning and she'd just keep him until after the appointments.  The latest was the fact he was supposed to spend 5 days preceding Christmas at our home.  Well you would not believe the uproar this caused.  It became so bad (the fact that my husband wanted to spend time with his son) that my step son told him that he didn't want to see him ever again and his ex wife says she was calling children services because my step son doesn't have a bed to sleep in when he visits.  We have 2 daughters together and they currently are occupying the beds.

Now, my point is, do not tell Todd that things will get better.  Mine is not a 1 bad situation out of many.  Nicholle is my husband's ex wife made over, if she's telling her kids now what bad people Todd and his new wife are, it is just going to continue and get worse until Todd is completelly fed up with the whole situation as my husband has become. 


 
January 18, 2008, 8:03 am CST

Similar situation

My husband has custody of his 9 year old son.  We try to follow the court papers.  My husband's ex girlfriend is suppose to pay child support, we haven't seen a payment since January of last year.  My husband has called to report this many times and they do nothing about it.  Amber is in and out of Jons life.  When times get hard for her here she runs.  When she does get Jon she constantly bad mouths me and my 2 kids.  She tells Jon that she loves my husband and will do anything to get him back and that I do not deserve to be with him.  We have asked her to help out with School uniforms she doesn't do that. She tells Jon that he needs to be  bad here because I am not his mother.We tell her about school events and she say' s she will come but never shows up.  She tells Jon he is fat all the time.  When my husband does confront her she denys all of it.  She can't keep  a job.  Most of the time she gets jobs that pay under the table so she doesn't have to pay child support.  When Jon was a baby, my husband would give Amber money to take him to the doctor and she would go and spend the money on Beer.  She keeps Jon out to 4 in the morning at times.  She goes sometimes weeks without calling him.  She has threatened many times to take us back to court because she thinks she is the stable parent.   I feel for the couple that has to deal with the ex.  The state of Ohio is terrible when it comes to enforcing child support.  They do nothing to the dead beat Mothers!!

 
January 18, 2008, 8:06 am CST

DEAD BEAT MOTHERS

I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GOOD MAN. HE HAS ONE 5 YEAR OLD SON. HE IS A CARING, CONCERNED AND LOVING FATHER. I HAVE A SON ALSO, AND HE WAS IN THE USAF AND DIED FOUR YEARS AGO. MY FIANCE IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME WITH HIS EX. SHE USES THEIR SON AS A PAWN. SHE CAUSES A RUCKUS EVERYTIME HE IS TO GET HIS SON. I HAVE DATED HIM FOR 3 YEARS AND HAVE NEVER FORMALLY MET HER. SHE HAS CALLED ME NAMES AND BAD MOUTHED ME NUMEROUS TIMES. SHE TELLS HER SON HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME AND MY SON. SHE USES HER SON AS A PAWN. SHE WANTS HER CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. SHE WANTS HIM TO HAVE HIS SON EVERY OTHER WEEK AND PAY FULL CHILD SUPPORT WHILE SHE SITS AT HOME AND THINKS OF NEW WAYS TO CAUSE PROBLEMS. I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND WHY MEN HAVE TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND KEEP THE CHILD HALF OF THE YEAR, AND THE WOMEN CAN JUST SIT AT HOME AND NOT WORK. IF HE HAS HIS CHILD HALF OF THE YEAR, WHY IS HE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OTHER HALF OF THE YEAR. PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU, I HAVE MY OWN MONEY, AND I TAKE CARE OF MY SON AND MY HOUSEHOLD. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY NO ONE EVERY ADDRESSES THESE LAZY, LONELY WOMEN. THEY SIT AROUND ALL DAY THINKING OF NEW WAYS TO CREATE PROBLEMS FOR THEIR EXES. THESE CHILDREN ARE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE. DR. PHIL PLEASE HAVE A SHOW DEFENDING SOME OF THE GOOD GUYS, AND PLEASE LET THESE WOMEN KNOW THAT THEY ARE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE FOR THESE YOUNG MEN. THEY WILL GROW UP RESENTING WOMEN, THINKING THEY ARE ALL LAZY, MONEY HUNGRY ANGRY WITCHES. I TRY TO SHOW MY SON THAT I AM A HARD WORKING PERSON. I WANT HIM TO BE WITH A STRONG HARD WORKING WOMEN.
 
January 18, 2008, 8:09 am CST

My son was kicked out of his room for our child?

Quote From: aimee33

I have been watching this Dr. Phil show and I am sitting in my room in amazement. It could have been me, my currant husband and my ex-husband sitting on that stage at the first part of the show. I divorced my ex-husband almost 2 years ago. I remarried rather quickly after the divorce and I became pregnant shortly after that. Everything seemed to happen in a whirlwind, but the marriage for me ended years before the divorce occured.  I was tired of being unhappy and lonely, and when the chance at happiness came along, I jumped in and it was the best thing I ever did. I involved my children in the process all the way, spoke with them on several different occaisions to make sure they were OK with things. They love my new husband and their baby brother! My ex-husband on the other hand, gets remarried and doesn't tell the children anything. He tells them 8 days AFTER he got married that he is married and the new wife and daughter are moving in the following month. But then, they come spend a weekend with me, and when they go back to him, the new wife and daughter are already installed in the home, my son has been kicked out of his room for the new daughter, my girls have had their furniture removed so that new wife's furniture can be placed in the home....I could sit here and list my ex-husband's transgressions all day long, but that would be counter-productive. The bottom line is, he is continually punishing me for even having the nerve to divorce him in the first place. He uses our 3 children against me and fills their heads with lies in an effort to make them hate me as much as he does. It makes me sad that they are in this situation and we are currently going through the court system to resolve things. When I saw on the show that the couple had the ex-wife programmed in their phone as 'stupid' I was like "wow!" and it brought to my mind how my ex-husband has me programmed into his phone as 'worthless'. The children see that and it bothers them tremendously.  I love my children and it breaks my heart that they go through this. I try to discuss things with my ex, and he always turns things into an attack on me and my 'terrible parenting'. Dr. Phil says that sometimes relationships need a hero and I have tried so hard to be the bigger person for my children's sake. They tell me things that my ex says about me and I choose not to respond anymore. I used to get angry, but I no longer respond. It just perptuates things. It is now to the point that I barely get to speak to my children, I am not kept informed of medical visits to the doctor or what is going on in their lives educationally....my ex-husband has told my children's teachers not to communicate with me anymore (there is nothing from the court that says I cannot have contact with their teachers). The only thing that would make my ex speak anything but ill of me is if I was dead and even then, it would only be relief that he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

I just hear a lot of whining.  You moved on to be happy (common reason given by women seeking divorce).  You broke up your family so you could pursue happiness.  You say you are happy, but the next 2,000 words are whining about your divorce.  Perhaps you should have pursued happiness with your ex before going outside the marriage. 

 

I am just going to guess that  you will soon find yourself unhappy in the current marriage too and when another man comes along who makes you laugh and compliments you then you will feel justified and splitting up that family too.

 

I did I misunderstand something?  Do you a woman not have custody?  Wow! I would think it better though if you guys shared your children 50/50 instead of you only seeing them on weekends.

 

I guess your ex had no say in you moving on and how quickly you did so after the marriage.  Even though you rationalize the marriage was over for you well before, it wasn't for your shared children or your husband who maybe didn't know what to do about your unhappiness.  Lord knows he cannot compete with an outsider to make you happy a new man gives you an adrenaline rush that your ex could not have given.

 

I am glad you love your new husband and I hope it stays together.  I appreciate your honesty about your cheating and leaving your ex.  I just hope that your thinking has changed and if you feel unhappy again you will seek professional help.

 

I have watched my bi-polar sister-in-law do just as you, except she aborted the baby she was carrying b/c the boyfriend didn't want to marry her.  Then she went back with my brother and a few years later she was "unhappy" again.  All he did to make her happy didn't help.  They went broke over all of it b/c she wanted this or that.  She partied with her friends and finally decided her marriage was over.  She was unhappy, however my brother had done nothing.  And he gets to see his kids a few weekends a month now and pay her 25% of his salary in child support so she can go be happy. 

 

That is not right.  That's why I had to let you know I didn't like the logic of your argument for your divorce.

 

As far as when he got married and when he told you.  Who cares, you aren't married to him anymore, you are "happy" now.

 

My son had to be moved to another bedroom when we had our third child.  He had the most toys, etc.  So, we gave him the biggest room which meant we had to destroy his unique jungle room I had made for him.  He was fine about it all, we were the ones who felt sad doing it.  We made the new room into space theme for him as he was very into space at the time and he was delighted.

 

If you are not allowed to talk to the teachers then I would do something about that if I were you.  That isn't right.  It sounds a little like your ex wants to punish you for leaving him.  He was probably hurt in all of it, don't you think?  Also, he should be letting you know about doctor visits.  Isn't all of this in your paper work already?

 

Good luck with the ex.  I hope your perspective on what is acceptable reason for divorce a has changed though since you see how much drama it can cause. 

 
January 18, 2008, 8:18 am CST

Naturally! The System only penalizes men.

Quote From: dramaqueen0416

My husband has custody of his 9 year old son.  We try to follow the court papers.  My husband's ex girlfriend is suppose to pay child support, we haven't seen a payment since January of last year.  My husband has called to report this many times and they do nothing about it.  Amber is in and out of Jons life.  When times get hard for her here she runs.  When she does get Jon she constantly bad mouths me and my 2 kids.  She tells Jon that she loves my husband and will do anything to get him back and that I do not deserve to be with him.  We have asked her to help out with School uniforms she doesn't do that. She tells Jon that he needs to be  bad here because I am not his mother.We tell her about school events and she say' s she will come but never shows up.  She tells Jon he is fat all the time.  When my husband does confront her she denys all of it.  She can't keep  a job.  Most of the time she gets jobs that pay under the table so she doesn't have to pay child support.  When Jon was a baby, my husband would give Amber money to take him to the doctor and she would go and spend the money on Beer.  She keeps Jon out to 4 in the morning at times.  She goes sometimes weeks without calling him.  She has threatened many times to take us back to court because she thinks she is the stable parent.   I feel for the couple that has to deal with the ex.  The state of Ohio is terrible when it comes to enforcing child support.  They do nothing to the dead beat Mothers!!

I am not surprised that the system is not concerned with your husband's ex not paying support. They only want to prosecute "dead beat dads" of which there aren't many.  A lot of those men just can't afford the amount they are ordered to pay.  Most men pay their support. 

 

The tactics you described above are very common practice when a mother feels she is losing control in a divorce situation. 

 

I am very sorry for your situation.  I urge you to write to all of your legal representative in Ohio and throughout the US to encourage equal treatment in child support collection.  Above that, I really don't believe in child support b/c it makes families fight over money.  I think John will be  provided for even without the money from his lousy mother.  Children do not need to have everything that they would have had to come out okay in life.  Let go of the anger.  But as long as there is ordered child support for a mom who is not paying.  I advocate moms getting equal rights as dads in family courts, right now the tables are a quite tilted.  I think your husband very lucky he has his kids at all.

 

I am confused why she was ordered to pay if she barely sees them?  I think she should help out.  Perhaps she needs to go to rehab and get healthy so she can keep a job.  Once she is out of the fog maybe she will step up and  help out in form of the child support or otherwise.

 

best of luck to you. 

 
January 18, 2008, 8:24 am CST

Maybe they feel attacked by you guys

Quote From: tinkermom

Imagine this situation when a young mother dies and can not protect her children!

 

This situation has happened to a friend of mine. Although somewhat of a different twist in that the horrible messages and abuse has come primarily from the new wife.

 

I have been emailing the Dr. Phil show for over a year with no response trying to get some help with this before my friend passed. Too late we buried her last April 14. Now her 13 year old son is with his father and step-monster and is not allowed contact with his maternal grandmother, his maternal uncle and aunt, and certainly none of the countless friends of his mother. We are a group of mothers that have been a big part of this childs life and we miss him and are very concerned about his well being.

 

There is also an 18 year old daughter that has become the target of their sick lies and abuse. They now profess that they have "washed their hands" of her yet they continue to harrass her. She is not allowed to speak to her brother or see him.

 

WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS.......they are both precious beautiful young people and they should at least be allowed to have each other without anyone interfering. I am not in the habit of standing in judgement and I am sure there is fault on both sides of this horrible situation but.....that is water under the dam now.....the kids need each other and some help from someone.

I don't know the whole thing, they don't sound really easy to get along with, but the bottom line in a situation like this is that someone has to do fence mending.  I don't know what the situation was with your friend, but would she want you and a group of ladies at odds with her ex?

 

I'd extend an olive branch.  Try to be understanding b/c divorce is hard on both sides.  You were seeing your friend's side of things.  They should be with their dad.

 

His ex MIL should be trying to mend fences with him.  This case just underscores why it is important to act like an adult in divorce and not let things meltdown. 

 

If the dad and stepmom are truly evil then maybe the MIL can get grandparent visitation.

 
January 18, 2008, 8:37 am CST

Amen to That Sister!!!

Quote From: verdie38

I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GOOD MAN. HE HAS ONE 5 YEAR OLD SON. HE IS A CARING, CONCERNED AND LOVING FATHER. I HAVE A SON ALSO, AND HE WAS IN THE USAF AND DIED FOUR YEARS AGO. MY FIANCE IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME WITH HIS EX. SHE USES THEIR SON AS A PAWN. SHE CAUSES A RUCKUS EVERYTIME HE IS TO GET HIS SON. I HAVE DATED HIM FOR 3 YEARS AND HAVE NEVER FORMALLY MET HER. SHE HAS CALLED ME NAMES AND BAD MOUTHED ME NUMEROUS TIMES. SHE TELLS HER SON HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME AND MY SON. SHE USES HER SON AS A PAWN. SHE WANTS HER CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. SHE WANTS HIM TO HAVE HIS SON EVERY OTHER WEEK AND PAY FULL CHILD SUPPORT WHILE SHE SITS AT HOME AND THINKS OF NEW WAYS TO CAUSE PROBLEMS. I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND WHY MEN HAVE TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND KEEP THE CHILD HALF OF THE YEAR, AND THE WOMEN CAN JUST SIT AT HOME AND NOT WORK. IF HE HAS HIS CHILD HALF OF THE YEAR, WHY IS HE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OTHER HALF OF THE YEAR. PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU, I HAVE MY OWN MONEY, AND I TAKE CARE OF MY SON AND MY HOUSEHOLD. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY NO ONE EVERY ADDRESSES THESE LAZY, LONELY WOMEN. THEY SIT AROUND ALL DAY THINKING OF NEW WAYS TO CREATE PROBLEMS FOR THEIR EXES. THESE CHILDREN ARE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE. DR. PHIL PLEASE HAVE A SHOW DEFENDING SOME OF THE GOOD GUYS, AND PLEASE LET THESE WOMEN KNOW THAT THEY ARE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE FOR THESE YOUNG MEN. THEY WILL GROW UP RESENTING WOMEN, THINKING THEY ARE ALL LAZY, MONEY HUNGRY ANGRY WITCHES. I TRY TO SHOW MY SON THAT I AM A HARD WORKING PERSON. I WANT HIM TO BE WITH A STRONG HARD WORKING WOMEN.

I wish Dr. Phil would do a show about child support, divorce and angry women.  The courts are being used to get a prize for unhappy ex-wives.  It is so odd that a woman can decide to screw her husband out of  his house, income, and children and then that is not enough.  They become unhappy again and go back to court wanting even more money.  If they don't go back to court then the threat of modification is always there.  The threat is there that the children will have even less time with their father if that hasn't already been reduced to the lowest the state allows.

 

I think the divorce and child support should change completely.  I really think child support should be the exception and not the rule and I think parents should see both parents as much as possible not reduced to some schedule reducing it to certain days.  I believe that both parents should have first right of refusal for babysitting too. 

 

I really don't think parents should move far away from each other when they have kids together.  If so they should still have equal time.  That is harder to do in that situation, but it should absolutely be done.  I really believe that is what is in the best interest of the child.

 

Please write your representatives and push for shared parental custody and for radical changes in child support laws.  Child support the way it is currently dished out is an incentive for women to get divorced.  I think part of the misery that these women experience after they get the divorce and child support stems from the fact that the system dooped them into getting a divorce they didn't really want.  Women go to a lawyer and are shown a pile of gold and told they will most likely maintain custody.  When it is all said in done they don't feel as good about it all and therefore start punishing their ex and their ex's new love.  A lot of women just don't know how final it will be and how it will feel to see their husband with someone new and their kids with someone new.

 
January 18, 2008, 8:53 am CST

wow....

Quote From: tracy1242

I just hear a lot of whining.  You moved on to be happy (common reason given by women seeking divorce).  You broke up your family so you could pursue happiness.  You say you are happy, but the next 2,000 words are whining about your divorce.  Perhaps you should have pursued happiness with your ex before going outside the marriage. 

 

I am just going to guess that  you will soon find yourself unhappy in the current marriage too and when another man comes along who makes you laugh and compliments you then you will feel justified and splitting up that family too.

 

I did I misunderstand something?  Do you a woman not have custody?  Wow! I would think it better though if you guys shared your children 50/50 instead of you only seeing them on weekends.

 

I guess your ex had no say in you moving on and how quickly you did so after the marriage.  Even though you rationalize the marriage was over for you well before, it wasn't for your shared children or your husband who maybe didn't know what to do about your unhappiness.  Lord knows he cannot compete with an outsider to make you happy a new man gives you an adrenaline rush that your ex could not have given.

 

I am glad you love your new husband and I hope it stays together.  I appreciate your honesty about your cheating and leaving your ex.  I just hope that your thinking has changed and if you feel unhappy again you will seek professional help.

 

I have watched my bi-polar sister-in-law do just as you, except she aborted the baby she was carrying b/c the boyfriend didn't want to marry her.  Then she went back with my brother and a few years later she was "unhappy" again.  All he did to make her happy didn't help.  They went broke over all of it b/c she wanted this or that.  She partied with her friends and finally decided her marriage was over.  She was unhappy, however my brother had done nothing.  And he gets to see his kids a few weekends a month now and pay her 25% of his salary in child support so she can go be happy. 

 

That is not right.  That's why I had to let you know I didn't like the logic of your argument for your divorce.

 

As far as when he got married and when he told you.  Who cares, you aren't married to him anymore, you are "happy" now.

 

My son had to be moved to another bedroom when we had our third child.  He had the most toys, etc.  So, we gave him the biggest room which meant we had to destroy his unique jungle room I had made for him.  He was fine about it all, we were the ones who felt sad doing it.  We made the new room into space theme for him as he was very into space at the time and he was delighted.

 

If you are not allowed to talk to the teachers then I would do something about that if I were you.  That isn't right.  It sounds a little like your ex wants to punish you for leaving him.  He was probably hurt in all of it, don't you think?  Also, he should be letting you know about doctor visits.  Isn't all of this in your paper work already?

 

Good luck with the ex.  I hope your perspective on what is acceptable reason for divorce a has changed though since you see how much drama it can cause. 

You assume a lot without a lot of facts. I could have sat here and typed for hours about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex- how I tried for years to keep the marriage together, and how he cheated on ME- had several personal ads on Internet dating sites, went on long weekends to "visit his family" and came home with STDs that he refused to explain, telling me things were all in my head. I could sit here and tell about IN DETAIL the number of times I tried to leave him and how he went straight to my then younger children and filled their heads with lies- how it destroyed their self-esteem and how I made the all too common mistake of staying for what I thought was the good of my children. I could give you chapter and verse about the number of eviction notices we received over 13 years of marriage due to my ex-husband's addiction to EBay and the number of times I have had to borrow money from family, work multiple jobs, and get food and utility assistance because my ex-husband thought that an acceptable career to supprt his family was delivering pizzas on the weekends. Now tell me, what do YOU consider an acceptable reason for divorce? You came across as pretty condescending and sanctimonious in your post but since you seem to be the authority on what is right and what is wrong, at least now you have a better picture from which to pass judgement. It is amazing- I took a chance to basically vent a situation that is doing nothing but getting worse and you- who have absolutely NO knowledge of the situation construe it as whining. I feel sorry for you. But let me clarify something regarding your assumption about custody.

 

The divorce was getting ugly because my EX-HUSBAND was putting my children in the middle of it. My EX-HUSBAND was telling the children lies and they began withdrawing academically and socially. It was killing me to see what he was doing to my children so I foolishly agreed to a 50/50 custody arrangement. I thought the garbage might stop if he got his way. And guess what? It didn't. In fact, it has only gotten worse. But wait, I don't want to "whine" anymore about that.

 

Oh, and your assumption that I cheated on my ex? You could not be more wrong! But then, how could you know that? I don't see anywhere in my original post where I even insinuated that I cheated on my ex. If I didn't know better, I would guess you are my ex's new wife making an assumption like that....but then again, no one can move on and be happy after a divorce without cheating in the first place, right? (insert sarcasm here)

 

And as for when he told THE CHILDREN about his marriage- (not me, THE CHILDREN), don't you think it would have been better for their well-being if THE CHILDREN knew they were getting a step-mother BEFORE it happened? Or is it acceptable to you to just drop a bomb like that on three unsuspecting minor children? It is not about ME. I did not in anyway "whine" about when I found out he got married....read more carefully.

 

And as for my son being displaced out of his room- he was moved to a sofa bed in their living room. he does not have his toys around him, the new wife moved those out to the garage.

 

I think very highly of Dr. Phil and watch his show almost daily and I commend him for providing this tool to give his viewers a voice, but this will be the first and last time I ever post on his site. Enjoy further judging me and may God bless you and yours.

 
January 18, 2008, 9:54 am CST

01/18 "Butt Out!"

Quote From: tracy1242

I firmly believe that if there was not child support (aka pile of gold for mothers) then both parties in divorce would support the child.  I know there is the extremely rare case of the "dead beat dad" but that is a very small percentage of dads who choose not to pay.  The truth is that in divorce the axe comes down and cuts the man's income most of the time and gives 20-40% to the woman.  No wonder most (more than 85% of divorces are filed by women. 

 

Todd, I know you got a raw deal as most men do.  But that does not excuse you for bad behavior.  I know you would want to get a call even after midnight about one of your girls being sick enough to go in the hospital.  That was wrong, so wrong.  I know you want the modification for child support.  I suggest you read up on it and go fight for it.  Hire a legal student from a nearby university to look up case law for you and go to court and represent yourself if that is all you can afford.  Most divorce lawyers are a rip-off anyway, also mediators.  You got screwed having to pay her for child support when you have 50/50 custody.  But I guess they put the fear into you that you would only see your girls every other weekend.  It's not fair, but you have to quit being victim and be strong.  Believe me I know it is not fair, but be proactive in father's rights and also do not lay down for this yourself and get it changed.  I see what your ex is doing as extortion, that's what happened with the mediator, isn't it?

 

Nichole,  you take child support from Todd when you share custody with him and you guys have equal time?  I hope that means you pay for the medical insurance, the doctor bills, sports equipment, extra-activities after school and buy them their clothes?  That is just wrong.  You should not be taking money from your ex just because you are divorced and can live a little better with the supplement.  Am I the only person who sees this doesn't add up.

 

The child support is causing the resentment.  Todd feels powerless to change it.  I am sure Dr. Phil doesn't realize the miscarriage of justice in family courts if he recommends Todd go back and get a modification (like it is so easy).  I hope someone will either take up that cause for Todd or else that Todd can get that for himself.  But I am guessing he is afraid that Nichole will demand more time with the kids and she'll get it. 

 

I'd be angry too if I were Todd. But that does not mean disgrace yourself by not calling the mom when there is an emergency and by calling names.  Please take the word "stupid" off of caller id, and try to calm down about it all.  I can see that Nichole pretends to be all perfect (typical ex-wife), she knows society is on her side, men are evil and the moms are supreme beings.

 

Nichole, I am a mother, I know you are alienating those girls from their dad.  Instead of continuing to probe them on the spankings as if their dad is an abuser which I think  you know is not true you should have asked them if they were following all the rules.  Nope, you wanted more information.  What message does this send your daughters?  I could see your wheels spinning right then, "I'll take him back to mediation or court and seek more time with the girls or full custody, then I'll have all the control and more money".

Nichole, until you put the axe down with your husband and get more realistic and fair about the child support, you only got that money b/c the mediator scared Todd into it. YOu know Todd is a good person and he wants to see his girls as much as possible, so  he is paying you for that privilege, that is extortion.  That kind of stuff is for crime families, not your family. 

 

If there was no child support someone would support the child.  I see two people who love their kids and want to be with them as much as possible, that was the only good thing I could see.

 

 

 Child support is hardly "pile of gold".  The child support my sister's ex paid couldn't even keep the household afloat WITH my sister working, much less in the style they had become accustomed.  Ever given up 10-20 years of your career raising a family, cleaning a house, mowing the lawn, making meals, doing laundry, painting the house, repairing the cars(this is not take it to the garage, but fix it yourself), replacing the toilets (no man help in this case, 'cuz he's at work), and a host of other things that no one gives you renumeration or thanks for, then have your spouse decide they want someone else?  Guess who's skills are outdated?  It takes years to get back to where you were before you stopped working.  And sure, she could have kept working and let someone else raise her children, but to her, what was the point of having children if you were going to give them to someone else to raise?

Of course, my sister never spoke ill of the kid's father.  The kids figured that out for themselves when he was a selfish jerk about the child support.  He could afford to go to Paris with his girlfriend, but they could not afford school pictures.  Yep, that's a pile of gold all right.

I'm guessing you haven't been divorced with three small children and outdated work skills or if you have, you make enough money for someone else to raise your children for 8-10 hours of the day.  Not everyone has that luxury.
 
January 18, 2008, 10:48 am CST

Sounds familiar....

This situation sounds soo much like my sister's. Her and her exhusband got along fine until he got with his wife. I know divorce is a hard adjustment for everyone involved but their situation is out of control. The new wife controls my sister's exhusband and he allows it. My sister is cut out of everything, if they can help it. They verbally and emotionally abuse my sister. Calling her names and putting her down constantly in front of the kids, it even got physical once. They even put the kids down, if they associate anything; ideas, clothes,language, anything they can associate with my sister. They try their hardest to not allow her to attend doctor appointments, changing times with out notifying her, not notifying her when they take the kids to the ER. She is even cut out of school functions..by miss-communication ofcourse. They make decisions about the kids with out telling her. She is not to call her kids when their at their father's house even though the ex's wife calls my sister's house all the time when the kids are with her and if the kids don't talk to her they get in trouble when they get home. The kids are forced to call their stepmother "mom" and their biological mother by name. The stepmother told my sister that "her" blood runs through their veins and they are "her" kids. How strange is that? The children are not allowed to even mention their mother while at their fathers or try to defend her when the adults are trashing her or they get in trouble. They have hidden my sister's daughter before when she went to pick her up from school to take her to a doctor's appointment, the police had to get involved. They call my sister and harass her by leaving nasty messages on her machine constantly. I know people may think I'm bias but I am not. My sister doesn't talk bad about her ex and his wife infront of the kids and doesn't allow anyone in our family to either, even though it's very hard sometimes. She is nice to them despite all they do. She struggles to deal with this, trying to comfort the kids when they are upset because their dad and stepmom talks and treats their mom so bad. She even tries to make excuses for them so the kids don't feel so guilty for not being allowed to stand up for her because they would get in trouble. The sad thing is she has yet to prevail in court for full custody, which she only went for since the kids voiced thats what they wanted because of this situation. I have a degree in paralegal studies and have studied the law but I have yet to see a case like there's. The judge said it was ok for the ex and his wife to verbally attack my sister in front of the kids, which usually the law calls parental alienation and doesn't accept this behavior. This same judge also said it was ok for minor children, both under 10, to serve the ex and his wife beer from a beer tap. Seems strange to me. I could go on and on with all the complaints I have against this whole situation but I won't. And even though it kills me inside to see my sister crying over this what bothers me more is when the kids do. See, not only has my sister told me things, and the kids, I have witnessed it myself. It's an ugly situation and I pray for anyone who has to deal with a situation like this and endure the pain it causes, the parents and children. I am one of the lucky ones who gets along with my ex, my son's father. 

 
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