Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

My husband has custody of his 9 year old son.  We try to follow the court papers.  My husband's ex girlfriend is suppose to pay child support, we haven't seen a payment since January of last year.  My husband has called to report this many times and they do nothing about it.  Amber is in and out of Jons life.  When times get hard for her here she runs.  When she does get Jon she constantly bad mouths me and my 2 kids.  She tells Jon that she loves my husband and will do anything to get him back and that I do not deserve to be with him.  We have asked her to help out with School uniforms she doesn't do that. She tells Jon that he needs to be  bad here because I am not his mother.We tell her about school events and she say' s she will come but never shows up.  She tells Jon he is fat all the time.  When my husband does confront her she denys all of it.  She can't keep  a job.  Most of the time she gets jobs that pay under the table so she doesn't have to pay child support.  When Jon was a baby, my husband would give Amber money to take him to the doctor and she would go and spend the money on Beer.  She keeps Jon out to 4 in the morning at times.  She goes sometimes weeks without calling him.  She has threatened many times to take us back to court because she thinks she is the stable parent.   I feel for the couple that has to deal with the ex.  The state of Ohio is terrible when it comes to enforcing child support.  They do nothing to the dead beat Mothers!!

I just hear a lot of whining.  You moved on to be happy (common reason given by women seeking divorce).  You broke up your family so you could pursue happiness.  You say you are happy, but the next 2,000 words are whining about your divorce.  Perhaps you should have pursued happiness with your ex before going outside the marriage. 

I am just going to guess that  you will soon find yourself unhappy in the current marriage too and when another man comes along who makes you laugh and compliments you then you will feel justified and splitting up that family too.

I did I misunderstand something?  Do you a woman not have custody?  Wow! I would think it better though if you guys shared your children 50/50 instead of you only seeing them on weekends.

I guess your ex had no say in you moving on and how quickly you did so after the marriage.  Even though you rationalize the marriage was over for you well before, it wasn't for your shared children or your husband who maybe didn't know what to do about your unhappiness.  Lord knows he cannot compete with an outsider to make you happy a new man gives you an adrenaline rush that your ex could not have given.

I am glad you love your new husband and I hope it stays together.  I appreciate your honesty about your cheating and leaving your ex.  I just hope that your thinking has changed and if you feel unhappy again you will seek professional help.

I have watched my bi-polar sister-in-law do just as you, except she aborted the baby she was carrying b/c the boyfriend didn't want to marry her.  Then she went back with my brother and a few years later she was "unhappy" again.  All he did to make her happy didn't help.  They went broke over all of it b/c she wanted this or that.  She partied with her friends and finally decided her marriage was over.  She was unhappy, however my brother had done nothing.  And he gets to see his kids a few weekends a month now and pay her 25% of his salary in child support so she can go be happy. 

That is not right.  That's why I had to let you know I didn't like the logic of your argument for your divorce.

As far as when he got married and when he told you.  Who cares, you aren't married to him anymore, you are "happy" now.

My son had to be moved to another bedroom when we had our third child.  He had the most toys, etc.  So, we gave him the biggest room which meant we had to destroy his unique jungle room I had made for him.  He was fine about it all, we were the ones who felt sad doing it.  We made the new room into space theme for him as he was very into space at the time and he was delighted.

If you are not allowed to talk to the teachers then I would do something about that if I were you.  That isn't right.  It sounds a little like your ex wants to punish you for leaving him.  He was probably hurt in all of it, don't you think?  Also, he should be letting you know about doctor visits.  Isn't all of this in your paper work already?

Good luck with the ex.  I hope your perspective on what is acceptable reason for divorce a has changed though since you see how much drama it can cause. 

I am not surprised that the system is not concerned with your husband's ex not paying support. They only want to prosecute "dead beat dads" of which there aren't many.  A lot of those men just can't afford the amount they are ordered to pay.  Most men pay their support. 

The tactics you described above are very common practice when a mother feels she is losing control in a divorce situation. 

I am very sorry for your situation.  I urge you to write to all of your legal representative in Ohio and throughout the US to encourage equal treatment in child support collection.  Above that, I really don't believe in child support b/c it makes families fight over money.  I think John will be  provided for even without the money from his lousy mother.  Children do not need to have everything that they would have had to come out okay in life.  Let go of the anger.  But as long as there is ordered child support for a mom who is not paying.  I advocate moms getting equal rights as dads in family courts, right now the tables are a quite tilted.  I think your husband very lucky he has his kids at all.

I am confused why she was ordered to pay if she barely sees them?  I think she should help out.  Perhaps she needs to go to rehab and get healthy so she can keep a job.  Once she is out of the fog maybe she will step up and  help out in form of the child support or otherwise.

best of luck to you. 

I don't know the whole thing, they don't sound really easy to get along with, but the bottom line in a situation like this is that someone has to do fence mending.  I don't know what the situation was with your friend, but would she want you and a group of ladies at odds with her ex?

I'd extend an olive branch.  Try to be understanding b/c divorce is hard on both sides.  You were seeing your friend's side of things.  They should be with their dad.

His ex MIL should be trying to mend fences with him.  This case just underscores why it is important to act like an adult in divorce and not let things meltdown. 

If the dad and stepmom are truly evil then maybe the MIL can get grandparent visitation.

I wish Dr. Phil would do a show about child support, divorce and angry women.  The courts are being used to get a prize for unhappy ex-wives.  It is so odd that a woman can decide to screw her husband out of  his house, income, and children and then that is not enough.  They become unhappy again and go back to court wanting even more money.  If they don't go back to court then the threat of modification is always there.  The threat is there that the children will have even less time with their father if that hasn't already been reduced to the lowest the state allows.

I think the divorce and child support should change completely.  I really think child support should be the exception and not the rule and I think parents should see both parents as much as possible not reduced to some schedule reducing it to certain days.  I believe that both parents should have first right of refusal for babysitting too. 

I really don't think parents should move far away from each other when they have kids together.  If so they should still have equal time.  That is harder to do in that situation, but it should absolutely be done.  I really believe that is what is in the best interest of the child.

Please write your representatives and push for shared parental custody and for radical changes in child support laws.  Child support the way it is currently dished out is an incentive for women to get divorced.  I think part of the misery that these women experience after they get the divorce and child support stems from the fact that the system dooped them into getting a divorce they didn't really want.  Women go to a lawyer and are shown a pile of gold and told they will most likely maintain custody.  When it is all said in done they don't feel as good about it all and therefore start punishing their ex and their ex's new love.  A lot of women just don't know how final it will be and how it will feel to see their husband with someone new and their kids with someone new.

You assume a lot without a lot of facts. I could have sat here and typed for hours about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex- how I tried for years to keep the marriage together, and how he cheated on ME- had several personal ads on Internet dating sites, went on long weekends to "visit his family" and came home with STDs that he refused to explain, telling me things were all in my head. I could sit here and tell about IN DETAIL the number of times I tried to leave him and how he went straight to my then younger children and filled their heads with lies- how it destroyed their self-esteem and how I made the all too common mistake of staying for what I thought was the good of my children. I could give you chapter and verse about the number of eviction notices we received over 13 years of marriage due to my ex-husband's addiction to EBay and the number of times I have had to borrow money from family, work multiple jobs, and get food and utility assistance because my ex-husband thought that an acceptable career to supprt his family was delivering pizzas on the weekends. Now tell me, what do YOU consider an acceptable reason for divorce? You came across as pretty condescending and sanctimonious in your post but since you seem to be the authority on what is right and what is wrong, at least now you have a better picture from which to pass judgement. It is amazing- I took a chance to basically vent a situation that is doing nothing but getting worse and you- who have absolutely NO knowledge of the situation construe it as whining. I feel sorry for you. But let me clarify something regarding your assumption about custody.

The divorce was getting ugly because my EX-HUSBAND was putting my children in the middle of it. My EX-HUSBAND was telling the children lies and they began withdrawing academically and socially. It was killing me to see what he was doing to my children so I foolishly agreed to a 50/50 custody arrangement. I thought the garbage might stop if he got his way. And guess what? It didn't. In fact, it has only gotten worse. But wait, I don't want to "whine" anymore about that.

Oh, and your assumption that I cheated on my ex? You could not be more wrong! But then, how could you know that? I don't see anywhere in my original post where I even insinuated that I cheated on my ex. If I didn't know better, I would guess you are my ex's new wife making an assumption like that....but then again, no one can move on and be happy after a divorce without cheating in the first place, right? (insert sarcasm here)

And as for when he told THE CHILDREN about his marriage- (not me, THE CHILDREN), don't you think it would have been better for their well-being if THE CHILDREN knew they were getting a step-mother BEFORE it happened? Or is it acceptable to you to just drop a bomb like that on three unsuspecting minor children? It is not about ME. I did not in anyway "whine" about when I found out he got married....read more carefully.

And as for my son being displaced out of his room- he was moved to a sofa bed in their living room. he does not have his toys around him, the new wife moved those out to the garage.

I think very highly of Dr. Phil and watch his show almost daily and I commend him for providing this tool to give his viewers a voice, but this will be the first and last time I ever post on his site. Enjoy further judging me and may God bless you and yours.

This situation sounds soo much like my sister's. Her and her exhusband got along fine until he got with his wife. I know divorce is a hard adjustment for everyone involved but their situation is out of control. The new wife controls my sister's exhusband and he allows it. My sister is cut out of everything, if they can help it. They verbally and emotionally abuse my sister. Calling her names and putting her down constantly in front of the kids, it even got physical once. They even put the kids down, if they associate anything; ideas, clothes,language, anything they can associate with my sister. They try their hardest to not allow her to attend doctor appointments, changing times with out notifying her, not notifying her when they take the kids to the ER. She is even cut out of school functions..by miss-communication ofcourse. They make decisions about the kids with out telling her. She is not to call her kids when their at their father's house even though the ex's wife calls my sister's house all the time when the kids are with her and if the kids don't talk to her they get in trouble when they get home. The kids are forced to call their stepmother "mom" and their biological mother by name. The stepmother told my sister that "her" blood runs through their veins and they are "her" kids. How strange is that? The children are not allowed to even mention their mother while at their fathers or try to defend her when the adults are trashing her or they get in trouble. They have hidden my sister's daughter before when she went to pick her up from school to take her to a doctor's appointment, the police had to get involved. They call my sister and harass her by leaving nasty messages on her machine constantly. I know people may think I'm bias but I am not. My sister doesn't talk bad about her ex and his wife infront of the kids and doesn't allow anyone in our family to either, even though it's very hard sometimes. She is nice to them despite all they do. She struggles to deal with this, trying to comfort the kids when they are upset because their dad and stepmom talks and treats their mom so bad. She even tries to make excuses for them so the kids don't feel so guilty for not being allowed to stand up for her because they would get in trouble. The sad thing is she has yet to prevail in court for full custody, which she only went for since the kids voiced thats what they wanted because of this situation. I have a degree in paralegal studies and have studied the law but I have yet to see a case like there's. The judge said it was ok for the ex and his wife to verbally attack my sister in front of the kids, which usually the law calls parental alienation and doesn't accept this behavior. This same judge also said it was ok for minor children, both under 10, to serve the ex and his wife beer from a beer tap. Seems strange to me. I could go on and on with all the complaints I have against this whole situation but I won't. And even though it kills me inside to see my sister crying over this what bothers me more is when the kids do. See, not only has my sister told me things, and the kids, I have witnessed it myself. It's an ugly situation and I pray for anyone who has to deal with a situation like this and endure the pain it causes, the parents and children. I am one of the lucky ones who gets along with my ex, my son's father.