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Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

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Created on : Friday, February 08, 2008, 12:21:46 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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misbhave

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July 24, 2008, 1:49 pm PDT

Empathy

My heart goes out to Heidi. She has a lot of courage in confronting her mother. My uncle molested me for years; other family members witnessed and knew but yet the abuse continued. My gut instincts tell me that both my mother and grandmother knew and chose to do nothing. My therapist has told me that confronting my mother will get me no answers and no peace because my mother will continue to ignore the issue. After listening to today's show, I have greater confidence that that is exactly what would happen. Heidi, I hope you are able to find a way to continue to move forward.

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p_lsullivan

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July 24, 2008, 1:50 pm PDT

Furrious!!

Dr. Phil,

I would just like to make a comment on this show. I cannot believe that a mother would use her child to get what she wants out of life. This mother did exactly that!! She claims that she stayed there in order to have a place to live? NO EXCUSE!! She sat there on her pedalstool acting like she was the victim & accusing her daughter of "attitude" she deserves that attitude plus some. I was pissed!!! It's a good thing she doesn't have me as a daughter. I have more attitude about things that I should sometime. I have 2 kids myself & I don't care how old they get, you never stop protecting them. It just amazed that she (the mother) was more concerned with her "break-down" than the fact that she let someone molest her child over & over again. And then to have the nerve to say that she was told that once a pedafile is discovered they stop. That is no excuse to stay there. I don't care if they stop or not, you NEVER give them a chance to do it again!!!!! We have a few different rules here in Texas & bi-durn I think alot of other states should take a look at them.

Thanks!!!

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noncie

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July 24, 2008, 1:52 pm PDT

I too was abused just like you please write back

I too was sexually molested and physically for 12 years by my step father and my mother. Ther earliest I can remember is it started is the age of 2. At two years old how could someone hurt a child at the age of 2. It has taken me along time to get over this and truth be known I don't think I will. I used to cut as an escape and I tried suicide so many times I almost died several times. If it had not been for my best friend Karole I don't think I would truly be here today. She helped me to see that it was not my fault that I don't have to hurt anymore and that I could love my children with all my heart. I can truly sympothize with her and I would love to talk to her if she would like. Heidi if you need somone I will be there for you just call email or what ever you need to do please don't hesitate. Both of the people that have hurt are now dead and gone and i have foregiven them but I don't love them and I never will. I love her for giving birth to me because I wouldn't have the two beautiful girls I have now and I have learned tolove but love yourself first.friends in christ nancy wooldridge

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rebeccare73

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July 24, 2008, 1:59 pm PDT

Agree!!!!

Quote From: chocolatelover

Why isn't this "John" in jail? I think Heidi should have him arrested NOW. What is up with that? Why isn't he in jail? He is probably abusing someone right now.

I don't understand why the show is protecting this monster. There is no doubt that he will hurt another child. His face should be plastered everywhere.

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needing2heal

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July 24, 2008, 2:02 pm PDT

healing...

Quote From: zandgsmom

I am 28 years old and for over half my life I've been trying to vent the things I lived through but couldn't find the words or a forum. I came to this board today and read the accounts (I won't call them stories because that is what it was called everytime I told) of all of you beautiful women who have found the voice to talk. My mother moved my brother and I in with our stepfather in March of 1989. Just a few weeks after my ninth birthday. My brother was 8. My stepfather was a local police officer and EMT. Well respected in the community with a nice house and income. Something we hadn't had before. To this day I can remember my amazement at walking into the kitchen and opening cabinets and the fridge and there being FOOD there. Milk in jugs cold from the grocery and not mixed up powder in a pitcher. Meat that came from the freezer and not a commodity can. It was like being at my grandma's house where it was all good and free for anyone to eat. I remember looking up at this man who I thought at the time was a superhero and asking with tear filled eyes if I could have a can of soda all my own. He kneeled down and said "baby you can eat or drink anything you want and as much of it as you please. you will never go hungry again." I thought OMG! this is such a change from my mother's first husband (who had adopted me he was my brother's father) who sold the foodstamps the state allotted us for money to buy pot and would take us to grandma's at least twice a week where we'd get a full meal. I threw my arms around his neck crying thanking him telling him I'd be a good girl and not make noise when he slept and get good grades. I thought this was our salvation. He was true to his word and made sure there was always good food in the house, clothes new clothes on our backs, for the first time ever I had a winter coat I didn't share with my brother, a bed room of my own and little things like shampoo were such a big deal to me. My mother gave birth to my baby sister in April 1990. She planned a wedding to my stepfather in September of that year. Things were amazing. When school let out for the summer in May of 1990 I called my aunt and uncle in Ft Campbell KY where he was stationed although at the time it was just my aunt and cousins in the house because my uncle was deployed to Iraq fighting in Operation Desert Storm. I stayed the whole summer with them (I'd done this my entire life) until August when I went home to prepare for school and the upcoming wedding. I was so excited to see my brother, my baby sister, and my older soon to be stepbrother as well as mom and new stepfather. I got home that day and put my stuff away, played with my baby sister who seemed to grow so much in that amount of time. When bed time came my brothers fell asleep in my older brother's bedroom playing with one of those toy wrestling rings and wrestlers. My mom took the baby and they went into my parents room and were soon asleep. My stepfather who I still had hero worship for invited me to sit in his lap and watch a movie with him. I can still remember the smell of fabric softener on my strawberry shortcake nightgown, clutching the little girl quilt my grandma made me at birth, climbing into his lap. For a while he talked to me about my trip and told me how much they all missed me and how glad he was his little girl was home. We settled in to watch an old ford fairlane movie. He had his arms around me and I could feel one hand on my knee. It didn't really startle me since he was always so affectionate and I craved that. Before I knew it his hand was in my little girl panties............they were day of the week and the day was Saturday. I didn't know what to do! No one had ever talked to me about good and bad touching and what to do. I only knew that it felt "icky" and I didn't like it but was afraid to ask him to stop. Eventually he stopped on his own and sent me to my bedroom. I didn't sleep that night. The next day it was as though nothing had happened. I didn't know how to tell my mother and she was so busy with this wedding. The weeks wore on and nothing else happened but I had changed. My usual chatterbox was quiet, I didn't want to play outside. With four kids in the house one of them not even a year old I guess mom didn't notice. They were married in September. Time wore on and still I withdrew and didn't say a word until one night on a room check (making sure we kids kept them clean and all) my stepdad pulled a tote from under my bed full of the food I'd been hiding. Nothing that would rot. Crackers, jars of peanut butter, and such, afraid of being hungry again. He was going to spank me and my mother wanted to know why I am doing this. SO I TOLD. I told how I was afraid he'd touch me again and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat. I'd no longer have that priveledge. He and she packed me into the car and took me to the hospital where I was examined (torture to a ten year old girl) and the doctor said there were signs that something had happened but could have been caused by active play. My mother called me a liar and I was making things up. It was the first beating I recieved for this from her. I was asked why I'd want to tear apart my new life and hurt such a good man and I was to hug, kiss, and apologise to him. We went home. Things went back to "normal" but I guess her reaction told him that he could get away with molesting me. By the time I was 12 it was full blown rape in the middle of the night with whispers of you will not tell, mom will not believe you, no one will believe you. I was cut off from my summer visit with my aunt out of fear I'd tell and SHE WOULD BELIEVE ME. It wasn't until I was almost 15 that my older brother (my stepdad's son) 18 at the time walked in and screamed the house down with "Dad stop you are hurting her" beating on my mother's closed and locked door. She couldn't ignore it or call me a liar with my brothers standing there calling the police. The same police he worked with. Only one believed me. After investigation, the police hiding him for weeks, and behind doors deals with lawyers I still do not know what he was charged with but served only 18 months in a minimum security detention center where my mother visited him weekly and lived off his trust in his house. I was subjected to random beatings for destroying our life. When he was released he moved right back in. I locked my door from the inside. It wasn't unitl one night after I came home from being out with friends from the church youth group that I caught him on audio tape at my door begging at first to be let in and then threatening what would happen if I didn't let him in. I didn't give this tape to mom but to my best friend who gave it to her mother and took the steps for help. It barely came in the form of I was kicked out of my house, sent to live with my mom's first husband, and my brother and baby sister remained there. Over the years I have been forced into accepting this man just to see my mom and sister. I still beg for my mother's approval and never get it. My baby sister doesn't really know the details but knows he did something wrong but has been taught he paid for it and he's her father. I have two sons that are not allowed around him and what scares my is my baby sister has a one year old angel of a baby girl that I am afraid will be hurt one day. I live back in my hometown with my DH and sons. My DH graduated from here and when he first realized who I was he remembered hearing about that little girl who "told stories" about her stepdad and how scandalized the town was and I had to be lying. He now knows the truth. I have never spoken to anyone with the detail I've posted here. I do know that if anyone ever touched my sons it wouldn't be them in jail but me because I know I couldn't controll my rage. My MIL, a sex abuse survivor herself, has gone to great lengths to help make me whole and feel safe and loved in a healthy way. I don't know if I ever will be "healed". I don't think that you ever really heal from a tearing of your soul. I do know that I wish I could write the book I so want to write to open the eyes of the world to the pain and shame that we SURVIVORS feel even years after the abuse has ended. I just don't have that strength yet. One day I will.

I would like to suggest to you and anyone else dealing with this, that finding a good therapist and telling your story can be very helpful. I was dealing with increased flashbacks that were intruding on my everyday life until recently when I began, 30 years after the last time I was abused/raped, to tell my story in a safe place. The beauty of the therapy is that I can now leave that abuse there. The flashbacks do not come up like they did because I have left the abuse at the therapist's office. That is not to say I do not remember, or they never happen, but rather they happen very rarely now. I know I was abused, and remember all six years of it, but I have more control over those memories now. No longer to they just pop up at me, as often as they did.
I know it will take time and I will never forget, but the work I am doing with my therapist has helped so much over this past year. I wish I could hug each and every one of you. There are so many of us. We are not alone, and people will and do believe us, not like the evil people who did this to us always said. I too as one poster said, am grateful for the increased awareness that is out there today. Thirty plus years ago I thought I was the only one this had ever happened to. Now I know better and have raised my kids to be more empowered. Thanks Dr Phil for being one to help us break the silence.

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motherofbrided

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July 24, 2008, 2:02 pm PDT

family secrets

it has taken my over 40 years to come forward with this...my father did the same thing for many years to me..my brothers followed his lead and so on it went with my younger sisters....my mother was aware..i remember the night ...8 years old..and hearing my drunken father confess what he was doing...i cried inwardly ....not of shame..but of relief that now i would be safe...he would be gone..or i would go to live at my grandparents...anything other than the hell i knew as life...but that was not to be...my mother didn't get rid of my father for many years to come...i have no relationship with my mother.. i have tried many times..to forgive..move on move forward..but cannot do that without closing that chapter on our lives..she refuses to talk about it...says that we are making stuff up to ruin peoples lives...and if it did happen...basically just suck it up and get over it...ah ..she is too sweet...i have stuffed it down for years...wrong men...wrong choices..and basically am left with a distrust of men that makes it hard to sustain a longterm relationship of any value...i think intrinisically i feel unworthy of true love and when someone finds out what happened to me they will turn away from me..i mean ..my own mother did.

my alcoholic father died within this last year...did i cry? yes i shed a tear..but more for the child that never got to have what every child should have..and did he go feeling guilty? shame? remorse? i hope so ..as these are things i live with every day...

i agree with Heidi on the show....i dont know what i would of done if i had ever found someone doing something to one of my children...i do know i would of protected them and not the abuser.

the legacy that has been left to me and my siblings is not one of riches..but one of suicide. failed relationships,addictions and of course the damage to ones self esteem is immeasurable.

dont feel sorry for me..i have had my aha moment ...i can only make a better life for myself. wallowing in self pity and a life of regrets are a true waste of the queen that i have come to be...no i am not rich..and work a very average job...but since i have turned 50...living single..enjoying my life and the good things in it. that is truly the karma revisited.

Heidi..good luck to you and your mother..whether or not you get the relationship you want or need from her you are well on the way to becoming your own queen.

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princessn

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July 24, 2008, 2:03 pm PDT

07/24 Behind Closed Doors

im a mother of 3 and my husband is in the air force i've strugled with alot and Dr. Phil has helped me through his shows. The show im watching today 8/24/08 is hitting home i mean really the daughter and mother is me and my so called mother and the man omg my step father was a mp in the army and was doing the same thing to me and my so called mother knew and did nothing. im so outraged about this show because i see me and my life! that man said things that BUD had said to me also i wished i could do what she did and expose my mother and BUD Caudell Who lived in Arkansas (ELMER).

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princessn

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July 24, 2008, 2:04 pm PDT

thats me

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amrefinski

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July 24, 2008, 2:04 pm PDT

I have been there!

This show completely took my breath away. The same exact thing happened to myself as a child. My mother knew the molestation by my step-father was happening for 5 years and never did anything about it. The only thing different, my mother stayed married to my step-father! After my step-father was convicted, my mother divorced him while he was in prison but the moment he was released from prison she re-married him. I completely understand the frustrating, anxiety, hurt, and anger toward both the mother and step-father. To this day, I still have not spoken to my mother in 5 years because of her relationship with my step-father and how she still justifies her decision. When all is said and done, only time can heal all pain.

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princesscru

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July 24, 2008, 2:05 pm PDT

Outraged

I watched the show today and was absolutely horrified and saddened by what I heard. I have never seen a parent, let alone a mother be so defensive toward their child who was a victim at the hands of a monster. I myself am not a parent, but cannot comprehend ever knowingly putting my future children into a situation as horrific as this. Saying that the military did nothing is a weak, flimsy ,excuse, and if I were Heidi I would want nothing to do with her. My heart goes out to her and her siblings and I pray that they will one day be able to live peacefully without having to constantly think about what that animal did to them.
As far as the step father is concerned, he will get what is coming to him when he stands before God.

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