Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

Obviously Dr Phil, et al, has never lived in an abusive relationship.  I have live through several!  When a person does something like this, (sexual, emotional or physical abuse) then the WHOLE family is victimized, not just the one that actually recieves the abuse.  I've been there, I know.  I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents, they divorced, then I was sexually abused by my step father.  When I got married was physically abused by 3 different husbands!  Yes, all the persons involved was victimized!

The mother in this situation was abused as well as her child, she did not live the life of Riley!  She obviously was not taken seriously by anyone then, and now she is humilated on TV, that's atrocious!  I had to stay in abusive relationships because I had no where to go.  There were NO women's shelters back then, the police threatened to arrest me when I called for protection from my husbands.  At the time that this happened to Heidi and her mom, it does not surprise me at all that the military swept it under the rug.  Back then all the men stuck together and it was always the woman's fault, and now SHE is still taking the blame!  Shameful, Dr Phil, where is your compassion for the mom?

    To Heidi~  My heart goes out to you. As a victim myself, I am just sick having to sit and listen to that woman who dares to call herself "Mother".   I don't think she is capable of either admitting or understanding her crime against you. ( I can't write,as I'm so caught between my anger and my tears. )

To Dr. Phil~ Thank you for what you do and your strong support. That woman should be in prison.

Why are u attacking this person? They are allowed their views and feelings. They were only talking about the priests b/c of the covor-up that the miliatary and church do to hide such crimes.

DEAD ON RIGHT!!!

 

I find that Dr. Phil isn't mending fences the way he use to he is leaving things hanging...makes good TV I guess.

 

The daughter didn't act like any "abused" person I have seen even on his show and for some reason Dr. Phil didn't seem to notice that.  She was cocky and wanted to make her mother pay continual.. I believe that even if the mother did admit what she wanted her to that it wouldn't have changed anything....she wanted the mother to change what had happened even though she couldn't....

 

Forgiveness is important and the daughter didn't seem without flaw but she not only wanted to make the audience think that but she also wanted to make Dr. Phil think it and he got hoodwinked.

As a mother of three I can honestly say if it were my child that was abused the man would be six feet under the ground right now.  It angers me that she has the nerve to say that she was just a baby when it happened. I am only 25 and I had my first child at the age of 18 and since have had two more. Anyone with any common sense would know that there is always a way out, it may not be easy but it is there. I think what angers me and probably other people so much is the pure stupidity that comes out of this womens mouth. They both should go to prison and get what they deserve because she is just as guilty as he is.

Susan - I don't know if you are good or bad -- I do know things were different in 1969 -- I know that professionals gave different advice then than they do now -- I know that times change how things are looked at -- example the discrimination of the 1960's would never be allowed today -- I thank God for the differences -  I thank God that young mothers today have more resources than we had back then.  I cried through the show for you and for your daughter -- Forgive her her anger -- as she needs to forgive your choices. 

Boy, this hit close to home. 
I was molested by a next door neighbor at age 9.  The creep also went after my sisters, but they got away. I didn't tell my mother because I knew she wouldn't believe me. Dad was an alcoholic and she enabled him bigtime, plus she had her own issues with anger etc. Yea, it messed me up bigtime
Fast forward to age 45. I finally told my mother about the molestation. She asked why I didn't tell her and I said I didn't think she would believe me. Her answer? "What's there not to believe, but don't tell your father because he will take his shotgun and kill the wife." The molester died many years ago and I had no doubt he was nuts enough to do that. The thing that was so sad was that Mom immediately defended him, just like Susan. Never did she ask how it affected me. The pattern in our house was that of suppression.  DON'T THINK, DON'T FEEL AND FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T TALK. Typical alcoholic behavior. I tried for many many years to convince Mom that Dad's behavior really messed me up and all she would say was 'when you grow up,  you'll understand.'  What's there to understand? She ALWAYS defended him and ignored my pain and did what Susan did - turn my hurt on ME because I had the nerve to bring up the family secrets. I begged for any compassion. Any drop of sympathy. All I got was defensiveness and anger. Oh yea, I also got that from my sisters. The whole family simply wanted the whole thing to go away, even though no one knew that I was molested until recently. In 2004 I sat down with Mom & Dad and told Dad that I was molested. The poor guy looked like he was hit by a truck. He had a normal fatherly reaction. He wanted to take the guy out. Here's the sick part. Mom lied to his face and told him *I* told her we shouldn't tell him. I was so shocked that I knew it would do no good to even confront her. I also never had the nerve to confront my father about his drinking. In April 2007 my mother had the gall to say it was my fault that I was molested. I finally had the backbone to say NO MORE and told her she better not say that and simply hung up on her. We didn't speak for almost 6 months until I sent her an email saying how hurt I was by her throwing me under the bus my whole life and making it about her. She got all hurt and defensive The final showdown came when Dad called in October 2007 and said she was so bent out of shape because of the email.  When he said she had it worse then me and and my sisters growing up I snapped. I went totally postal on him and finally confronted him about how his drinking destroyed our lives and how Mom ignored us and lied to him at the meeting.  He actually apologized and said he felt bad. A true heartfelt apology. I got more in one conversation with him than over 30 years of begging my mother to hear my pain. What a total relief!!!!
I told him about her lies and he talked to her and she ended up kind of saying she was sorry. She wants to whole thing to go away and for me to never bring it up again. SHE IS JUST LIKE SUSAN!  She has NO clue what she has done to me. She can't connect emotionally with my pain. What mother makes it about her when her child is hurt?  I would kill for my kids and she knows it.  All this being said, I was finally able to let it go and realize that Dad truly felt bad for hurting us. I know Mom will never be able to be there for me and I'm ok with that, so our relationship is superficial, which is fine with me.
Hey Dr Phil, my situation is just like Susan's!  I swear you were talking to my mother. All Susan did was make it about HER and how bad people made her look. Did you notice she never had any compassion towards Heidi?  It's so sick. Heidi needs to stop trying to get her mother to understand because it simply won't happen. It will only make Heidi dredge up her pain and have nowhere to go with it.

 

 I do not agree with the mother.  I understand that things would have been hard to get through, but for your daughters sake you should have tried! It was only selfish on your part to deny her that. You did not have to know anything about predators or molestors to know that for someone to sexually violate your child is wrong!!   You shouldn't be worried about trying to understand them!! What about your daughter!! This same thing happened to my mother, my older sister, and me.  My grandfather molested almost all of his daughters and then went on to molest his granddaughters. Finally my aunt had him sent to prison. Then my father molested my older sister also. My mother and father went to counselling and because my father was also molested by his father he somehow reasoned it out to be okay. I am told that the therapist told my mother that there was nothing that he could do to help my father because my father did not think that anything was wrong.  My mother stayed with my father. She married him when she was fifteen. She was married to him for sixteen years and he continued to molest my older sister and her friends until she married at fifteen and moved out.  Then he began on me and my friends.  I was terrified of him, but I jumped out of my bed and screamed for him to get out of my room one night when he was fondalling my friend.  That week I went to camp and prayed for God to save me! When I returned home, my father was moving out and said that it was my fault.  He looked like the devil to me at that moment..But I was never happier that he was gone...My mother did make me go and visit him, "because he is your father" when she hoped for some support...I had to listen to his new wife tell me about how wonderful he was and that she had actually divorced her last husband for molesting her children...But she would not believe me about my own father, neither would any of his family...I have wanted to have a "normal" relationship with my father, but I keep my disatnce and I would never trust him around any of my children...If I ever thought anyone would sexually abuse any of my children, they would be dead and I would be in prison, but they would be safe!! Time doesn't change right or wrong!! It doesn't matter what year it is or the circustances of your life....PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN PEOPLE!!!!

I'm not allowed to say exactly what I feel like saying to you.  Lets see, You are full of  sheep dung,     "Judge lest ye be judged"??? And I quote,"It was obvious that she was on the show to trash her mother and not make ammends. Must be a heavy load carrying all that hatred, and misdirected at the wrong person in my opinion". Give me a break!!!!

I have been following the posts with great curiosity.

 

My mother said virtually the same thing as Heidi's - "I didn't know what molestation was...I didn't know what it would do to you." (Along with "You aren't one of THOSE PEOPLE") when she found out I was remembering what happened when I was a child and that it had in fact "hurt" me.

 

The extreme number of posts on this topic is amazing - it is equally amazing how many mothers have denied their daughters the protection they deserved.  I think the question is WHY?  Not "how could you?"  It seems to be a very common response to deny that the abuse will have any lasting affect and that it deserves any attention at all.

 

I could not imagine allowing what happened to me happen to my daughter...But I also know how extremely difficult it can be to face the reality of what has happened.  It is easy to say you must speak up, but it has taken me 30 years to be able to talk about what happened.  It would not be easy to confront an abuser.  You cannot understand how it feels until you have felt it yourself, and REALLY FEELING it is difficult - sometimes impossible.

 

This needs to not be so common.