Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

I need to know what to do about the men who abused me for years growing up. They are all still out there. My brother was first. I knew what a male body looked like before I knew who "Barbie" was. I believed what he told me. My parents were divorced when I was 4, and I was the baby. This brother is 10 years older than me. Of course, I wasn't his first or last. We have talked about it, and he said (quote)" I didn't think I could find anyone as pretty as you. " What the hell does that mean?? I was a baby. I told my older sister what was happening one night when we were staying at our grandparents. I was 5 or 6ish. The minute I asked her if I could tell her a secret, she knew. He tried with her, but she was old enough to push him off. I didn't want mom to know about it because my brother said she would leave me. He said that mom would never believe he could do it, and that mom would get mad at me and I would be taken from home. I kept quiet until I just had to tell my sister. She made me go tell mom and said she'd be there with me. I finally told mom. As soon as she turned around, I felt the sting of her hand on my face. I was sent to my room without supper. Finally, my sister told mom that I wasn't lying because it happened to her. My mom started taking me to a babysitter to keep me safe. This lady was so 'sweet' mom said. She played the piano in our church and her house was directly behind her place of employment. She and this woman had been good friends, and she had two good sons and two 'slow' girls. Well, it doesn't take long for a pediphile to 'pick up' the scent of a victim. I swear he knew I was already weak because it didn't take long for him to start playing with me. He was about 16ish. I have a lot of missing pieces from my memory, thank God. He was different than my brother. He would physically hurt me if I didn't comply. My brother just bought me the things that my mom couldn't afford on her meager salary. No, I was afraid of the son. Well, that is, until the 2nd son came into the picture. I struck a deal with him. I could earn my safety, which I did. The older brother didn't mess with me because the youngest one protected me. Hesitantly, I told my mom that they were doing stuff like my brother was. She called her friend over to the window of the car and said that I wouldn't be coming back. Her friend asked why, and all mom said was that her 2 sons can tell her why I wasn't coming back. That was that. No conversation, no babysitter, no attempts to make things right. Life moved on. As a teen, I asked many times to go to counceling because I was being torn apart inside. The only protection I ever had was found under the branches of the old over-grown pine tree's brances. I would wait for mom to come pick me up. I discovered that if you climb in really close to the base of the tree, there is a lot of room to make your own little fortress. That was the last time I felt safe. My mom let me stay at home alone after that.

I bring all of this to you for one reason only - each one of these men hold positions of authority, and I know that each of these men have hurt others after me. My greatest concern is the oldest son. I recently saw this mother in the gas station parking lot in town and exchanged a few niceties. I showed her a picture of my daughter, and asked about her kids. Her oldest son is a state trooper who workes on the middle school campus of a school in Syracuse. Everything in my body deflated. I asked her then if she ever knew why my mom took me out of her care. She was puzzled, so I asked her again. She was silent....dead silent. She finally replied in a profound way - "WHICH ONE?"  I said, BOTH. She just stared at me. Then she said it was probably a good thing that he didn't have any kids. I didn't have anything to lose, so I asked her where she was at that time, and she said she didn't know. She said she was there...she just couldn't remember where. She kept saying she was sorry, and I just thanked her for standing with me long enough to ask some questions that had hurt for so long. I went home and fell to pieces. My God, she knew!  My mother never breathed a word of it to her. Mom didn't want to hurt her feelings. But, the mother knew exactly what I was referring to, and spoke with me as if she was reading a lunch menu.

Dr Phil - I know you are an advocate for children. I have felt so guilty for so long for never taking action. I can only hope that you hear me and believe me enough to get these guys off of our streets - and out of our school! Since you have private investigaters, I thought you may be able to find out if these guys are still endangering other children. Can you put my mind at ease and check into this? Contacting you is the only way I can take action and try to keep others safe from them. Will you do this...please?

We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us.

My mother knew all along and did nothing also.  I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'.  I developed MPD as a way to cope.  By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us".  They believed that for MANY years.  It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was.  They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol.  Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested?  Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights?  He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell.  Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.

I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me).  I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings.  None of us have a sense of 'family'.  We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work.  We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other).  Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'.  When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born.  I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states.  Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain.  I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.

The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination.  Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done.  I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show! 

I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand!  I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.

Good luck to you,

Sunny