Topic : 03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

I have been married for almost one year, and have been with my hubby for 4 years. We have a great sex life, and he satisfies me, and I know I satisfy him as well. He is always showing me affection, with or without sex, and everyone says they see how much he loves me.

BUT, he surfs porn on the internet alot. I found a whole file full of little video clips and pics of porn. Nothing too extreme, just normal boy/girl porn, it really hurt me when I first saw it. I am a very attractive woman, and I thought that I was not satisfying him in the bedroom, or that he did not find me attractive.  When I confronted him about it he said that it absolutely had nothing to do with me not pleasing him, or that he felt I was unattractive. He said that he has always looked at porn, even before we were together, and he never thought about how it would make me feel. He apologized, and then promptly erased it all from the computer.

Now dont bet me wrong, I am no prude, and I dont find it horrible to check out porn every once in a while, but it was alot. Our sex life is good, and neither of us have any complaints. We both are pretty open about what we want and what pleases us. There are times when we may go a week or so without having sex, but not too often, and it is usually because both of us are tired from work and school.

Lately I found some porn sites on the computer that he has been going to. I have even talked about this with my friends and even my mother, and they all say it is pretty normal. That guys masturbate and it has nothing to do with their love or feelings towards us, and they need something to stimulate them when they do it. I understand that, but I just thought why cant he think of me, or us in bed together, rather than looking at porn.

Is this something that I should try to bring into our sexual lives, so that we could share this together, and then maybe he would look at it so much, or does it just not matter, how much porn we watch together, he will watch by himself anyway?

I guess I just want to know if this is normal, and if couples really do watch porn together?

I have been married for almost one year, and have been with my hubby for 4 years. We have a great sex life, and he satisfies me, and I know I satisfy him as well. He is always showing me affection, with or without sex, and everyone says they see how much he loves me.

BUT, he surfs porn on the internet alot. I found a whole file full of little video clips and pics of porn. Nothing too extreme, just normal boy/girl porn, it really hurt me when I first saw it. I am a very attractive woman, and I thought that I was not satisfying him in the bedroom, or that he did not find me attractive.  When I confronted him about it he said that it absolutely had nothing to do with me not pleasing him, or that he felt I was unattractive. He said that he has always looked at porn, even before we were together, and he never thought about how it would make me feel. He apologized, and then promptly erased it all from the computer.

Now dont bet me wrong, I am no prude, and I dont find it horrible to check out porn every once in a while, but it was alot. Our sex life is good, and neither of us have any complaints. We both are pretty open about what we want and what pleases us. There are times when we may go a week or so without having sex, but not too often, and it is usually because both of us are tired from work and school.

Lately I found some porn sites on the computer that he has been going to. I have even talked about this with my friends and even my mother, and they all say it is pretty normal. That guys masturbate and it has nothing to do with their love or feelings towards us, and they need something to stimulate them when they do it. I understand that, but I just thought why cant he think of me, or us in bed together, rather than looking at porn.

Is this something that I should try to bring into our sexual lives, so that we could share this together, and then maybe he would look at it so much, or does it just not matter, how much porn we watch together, he will watch by himself anyway?

I guess I just want to know if this is normal, and if couples really do watch porn together?

I was married for 19 years but with the same man for 11 years before the marriage.  During that 30 year period I probably had 5 orgasims.  He was never concerned with pleasing me sexually.  I thought I had a problem.  We separated almost 5 years ago and were divorced last year.  I met a wonderful man who has shown me what making love is all about.  He has introduced me to sex toys which enhance our lovemaking.  I have bought various KY lotions which have also added to our lovemaking.

To Becki, I say give the toys and the KY lotions a try and especially try to relax.  If you truly love your husband and he truly loves you, which I think is the case, the love making between the two of you can be out of this world.  Don't worry about the children or get a babysitter and make a night of it.  You really will be quite pleased.  Sex of any type is not dirty when it is between two consenting adults who love one another.

C'mon - why is it always the women who have the sex problem???  Give me a break.  I swear, my husbands refusal to get help for his lack of desire is a problem.  he does not want sex.  do I get to call him fridged?

Can we PLEASE have an open discussion about men who are sex obsessed? or problems it causes wives. when we are turned away?

Another sex show already?  I'm glad it's dealing with adults.  I always like hearing from Masterson. she's a pretty good source.

In addition to  sexual compatibility, there might be a physical or psychological component in play.  Hypoactive sexual desire disorder or inhibited SDD-

"Inhibited sexual desire (ISD) refers to a low level of sexual interest resulting in a failure to initiate or respond to sexual intimacy [...

A diagnosis of hypoactive sexual desire disorder refers to a persistent or recurring lack of desire or an absence of sexual fantasies"

http://psychologytoday.com/conditions/sexdesire.html

Also:

"Physical illnesses and some medications may also contribute to ISD, particularly when they produce fatigue, pain, or general feelings of malaise. Hormone deficiencies may occasionally be implicated. Psychological conditions such as depression and excessive stress may inhibit sexual interest.

Commonly overlooked factors include insomnia or inadequate amounts of sleep, resulting in fatigue. ISD may also be associated with other sexual dysfunctions, and sometimes may be caused by them. For example, the woman who is unable to have orgasm or has pain with intercourse, or the man who has erection problems (impotence) or retarded ejaculation, may lose interest in sex because it is commonly associated with failure or is not very pleasurable."

http://www.ajc.com/health/content/shared/health/adam/womenscenter/1/001952.htm

It's difficult to put a definition on "too much sex", as there are people who just have a really high libido and how high is "too high"?  I can't find an exact amount that is too much- it depends on the situation and that person's partner's sex drive and compatibility.

I totally agree with you on this!! I have IC and after I watched the show I felt very let down by Dr Phil.

This is a real and painful disease. And it cause so much pain during sex. Anyone with IC can understand why the lady on the show would not want or have a sex drive being that she has IC..