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Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

Number of Replies: 916
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:38:55 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Dare: 03/25/08) Motherhood isn't always about the good times, like baking brownies and having game night with the family. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they can’t cope with their children, and they’re running out of resources. Robyn adopted her 10-year-old daughter, Alyssa, six years ago from the Ukraine and says she actually has thoughts of sending the girl back. Robyn says that Alyssa hasn’t bonded with her and doesn’t know how to love anyone. She says her daughter screams, cries, yells and even threatened to kill herself! Robyn’s husband, Joe, can’t imagine living without his adoptive daughter and intends to stand by his commitment to the child. What's the real reason Robyn never bonded with Alyssa? Then, Cyndi says if she’d known her 12-year-old son, Alex, had autism and Down syndrome, she may not have brought him into the world. She says he hits himself, screams, grunts at the top of his lungs and wears two pairs of diapers at a time because he’s not potty trained. Her husband, Ulis, says he doesn’t find it difficult to care for Alex, but Cyndi says she’s exhausted and overwhelmed. Should the boy be institutionalized? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Plus, meet a mom with four kids who’s already left home twice. Now she’s scared she may leave again — this time for good. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 22, 2008, 6:02 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

 Not all women are cut out to be Mothers, sad but true reality. Unfortunately, many of them don't find that out until after they have children.
Babies are cute, but they require 24/7 care, and then the different ages and stages can be frustrating, parenthood isn't something you "try on " like a new outfit, the new outfit you can donate to charity or return if you figure out you don't like it.
One of the biggest disservices I've seen done to international adoptees, is seeing the shows that show the happy family with few issues, sadly this isn't the case tha majority of the times.  These children usually come from orphanages where there are many children per worker, they have never been taught to bond with one person, or they come from conditions that have made them unable to feel safe and secure, I'm not saying it dosen't work, it can and does but those are the parents that go into this with an open mind and have researched the reality of how these children have been living, and what issues can come up from this.
As for the disabled, "but for the Grace of God go I", I've never dealt with it.  But for her husband to say its easy, he probably goes to work every day, and I wouldn't be surprised if she is with the child 24/7 and needs a break.  Sometimes we need a break from our so-called "Normal children" , they can be a handful and frustrating, so a child that has Down's Syndrome and Autism cannot be easy, and those parents do need help and compassion, this Mom can't leave her son with the neighbor's teen daughter and go shopping for an hour or two, and maybe the grandparents cannot physically help, or they have no other family around that can give her a break.
Mom coming and going, not good.  If she can't handle it and her husband can, then maybe there should be a role reversal, she be the weekend parent and he be the single parent.  Coming and going like that is not good for the children's state of mind or their feeling of security.
I do wish people would get to know themselves first before having children, the reality is rarly the same as the dream.
 

 
March 22, 2008, 7:12 am CDT

I am with you!

I too adopted 2 children from Ukraine that were 18 mo old at the time.  We have been home for nearly 5 1/2 years now and they will turn 7 next month.  I love these kids and they can be so loving, but I am basically a single mom due to my husband deciding that money is more important than our family.  During the past 5 years, we have discovered that both children have sensory integration disorder, needed speech therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy.  In the past 3 years we have also needed lots of psychological help for my son too.  He has alcohol related neurodevelopmental disorder, and are now testing for asperbers syndrome.  He would throw these rages that would wear out any normal person to a frazzle.  We drive 2 hours from home to get the psychological help he needs because no one in our area knows what to do to help.  I am so tired just from driving.  When we put them into preschool thinking they could use social skills and get friends, I received calls constantly for the past 3 years about things my son was doing that went against the rules, or against their grain in general. This year (kindergarten) we placed him in a school for kids with special needs (for a mere $12,000 a year), but there hasn't been one phone call complaining about anything he does.  I have to drive 23 miles each way to get him there.  They love him there.  There is a 2:1 student teacher ratio and they know how to handle him.  It has been a blessing in deed.  In the process I feel like he has needed so much that I don't give my daughter of the same age what she needs.  They have basically been twins and don't know what to do when they aren't with the other one.  So this has been very hard on her.  She is getting rebellious now because "he gets all of the attention". 

 

I am so exhausted and now being tested for narcolepsy because I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. 

 

I just want to make sure that we are doing the right things for my kids.  I have done everything if it was available to me.  I feel lost a lot because no one ever seems to know what to do to really find out what our problems are.  But at the same time I am so tired I get angered very easily, and feel like I am complaining all the time.  My husband just thinks things are fine and doesn't understand why I feel so stressed.  That angers me as well.  I always have to run our household plans as if my husband isn't home.  I can't depend on him for any of the appointments or to watch the children while I leave.  I have to get sitters for nearly everything that I can't take them to.

 

Our community has many children from Ukraine and there are many of us in the same situation now.  Mainly after the children are becoming on school age.  The people who adopted the older kids had an idea of the behaviors, but thinking we were getting younger ones we thought we would be getting them early enough that we wouldn't have them.  But we have definitely found otherwise.  We have started a local online support group just so we can lean on each other.  That has been nice, but of course not the answer to all of our issues. 

 

I will share with them this story being on the air.  Maybe we can learn something new.  We just feel like our resources are exhausted.  I wish there was a body scan that we could do to tell us what we have and need to do for it.  If it could just be that simple.

 

Connie, KY

Mom to 2 Ukrainian children

 
March 22, 2008, 9:17 am CDT

Keep your chin up.

I can understand how it may be frustrating and tiring for some people that have a child with disabilities. In my own experience, I am a single mother of three children. I  myself, have M.S. and my youngest child, Joshua has 2 disabilities. He is 5 years old. He does not walk, talk, eat by mouth, and is blind in 1 eye.He is in diapers also. Even though he may not be able to all of these things yet, he makes little steps every day it seems and is a lot smarter than people know.  I would not change for 1 second, not to be his  mother. He is a blessing in my life. Yes, it may not be easy at times, but there are always ways of coping with things. I really think that we who have children like this, it only makes us  better, stronger people and more able to appreciate life. We learn from them. You are not alone with how you feel. I wish you the best. Take care.

Mary  

 
March 22, 2008, 11:34 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Dr Phil,

I am so worried abt my daughter. She was in a 20 year marriage to a man who cheated and abused her both physically and verbally. She has no self esteem and they have 5 children. Abt 3 months ago she came out of her bedroom and found him and another man having oral sex together. She finally left him. I put her up in a motel for the night and then she went to her sisters home until he finally moved out. He moved to Texas and has not sent any child support money. She cries and threatens to kill herself because she can't make it. She said what holds her from doing it is her children. She applied for help from the state of MI but because she works 40 plus hrs a week she didn't even qualifiy for medicaid. I have asked her to get help but her response is I have no insurance and can't afford it. She moved out of her home about two weeks ago because she couldn't afford the payments. She went to legal aid and they helped her fill out divorce papers and child support papers. He was served last week and is now threatening to run so he doesn't have to pay. I feels so bad for her. I am proud that she finally got him out but I live on the west coast and she is on the east coast so I do what I can from here. But its hard. He calls and promises the kids things and then never follows through with it and its my daughter who the kids take their anger out on because he doesn't follow through with it. He is an alcoholic and a drug abuser and that is when he calls is when he's high or drunk and tells my daughter off or says mean things to the kids too. I told my daughter to not allow calls from him unless he is sober. But he calls when she is at work alot. Dr. Phil can you help my daughter get some counseling and her children.

 
March 22, 2008, 12:15 pm CDT

Doctor Phil Show

A Being Doctor Mom Of Phil Tired. Doctor Phil donot tell Robin that she is not retired Mom soon. See you--

See you on Tuesday March 25th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Ruissell Vlaanderen.----------------------------------------

 
March 22, 2008, 12:19 pm CDT

I understand

I can't say that I feel exactly the way these mom's do, but I really understand how sometimes motherhood can truly affect moms negatively. I am married, have four children, 16, 14, 10 & 7, (my oldest is developmentally delayed, my youngest is a livewire) three dogs, we own a business and I am a full-time college student with a double-major! We are helping to take care of my brother-in-law who is 46 and Austistic, (my husband is his guradian). Our phones never stop ringing. We own a large home and most days I wonder how I will make it through. I realize I have created this but here I am and I get very overwhelmed! I hardly ever go a day where I don't feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and daydream about running away to China. LOL. I do get a few luxuries occasionally...a massage or a vacation. Unfortunately I feel like until my children are raised and on their own and college is completed for me, I will just feel crazy. Order is not easy to keep and we do fall behind. I realized a while back that I was losing myself as a person which is why I enrolled in college (knowing it was heaping my plate) but at the same time it was something for me! What I do realize in the midst of the madness is that my commitment is to this family that I created and no matter how heavy it feels at times I could never be happy if I jumped ship. How could I enjoy serenity if I walked away? There would be no peace in that no matter where I was! I could never do it! I pray a lot for strength and for answers. One day at time is a great motto. Worry about today, today! Go no further! I try to find outlets like laughter and I do poke fun at being a mom and having kids.(Erma Bombeck style) It is pure comic relief. Sometimes mothers tend to take things way too seriously!! Maybe this mom needs a break so she can regroup and clear her mind. Maybe Dr. Phil should send her on a spa retreat, somewhere she could receive counsel and she could rethink the situation. I wish her the best of luck.
 
March 22, 2008, 12:21 pm CDT

teenager opnion

hi im 18 y o female im living my life so well because dad and mam are so great they leave me do what ever i want that how should be all the familys.
 
March 22, 2008, 1:24 pm CDT

Tired of being a Mom

This is sad.  The pain deepens when we CHOOSE a child through adoption that "has flaws" that we did not see.  When we give birth to this situation, our body's hormones help us to switch gears.  And automatically there is the help out there.  When an adopted child is dxed with issues, they don't have the parents with undying committment.  It can be learned, so don't think all is a lost cause.  We as  adult humans have learned to adapt very well to our changing world.  We have resources to reach out to, to gain knowledge, simply this website and Dr Phil's show is one committment to that.  The children that are brought from other points of the world came into it without ever expecting anything but nothing.  That is why adoptions happen.  I would not want to the the parent of a child I could not care for, nor one who had to give up my child to someone else to care for UNLESS I knew my child was going to be in a better place and still be loved.  My heart aches for the mother who let her child become adopted by someone else.  This is a maternal heart speaking. 

That aside, don't sit and cry in your cheerios.  Time for you to learn to put yourself last, your child and special needs first.  Whether or not your child was born to you or adopted.  Get the pity party done and get busy.  This is a life long committment.  And we are here to help.

My story is a personal one, making a long story short, my special needs brother was 3 years younger than me.  My mom was told in the hospital by a nurse who came in crying.  There is something wrong with your baby.  And they did not know what.  At 9 days old he was sent by car to Rochester Mayo Clinic to find out answers.  A friend who was an RN went with.  The doctors thought it was a lost cause. This was the beginning of the fight of Alan's life.  As back on those days institutionalized babies, children was the normal. NOT in our family.  Alan came back with no dx.  Flacidity, feeding on a brek bottle due to no sucking ability.  Failure to thrive could have been used.  At age 3 months a TV program talked about cerebral palsy.  AHA!  Symptoms that described my brother!  The Sister Kenny Institute in Minneapolis had a pilot clinic in Aberdeen SD.  They got Alan to that.  Remember, this was back when no benefits, no holiday pay, thin paychecks were the norm.  Families got you through.  For the first 13 years of Alan's life, he had the dx of CP.  WOW!  All of us kids did his PT, OT, feeding, changing, all to help our parents.  Grandparents staying for days on end to help (2 bedroom house, 7 family members), all sorts of people coming, calling, helping.  His public school education stopped at 1st grade, he was able to go 12 miles from home to a special needs school.  Eventually the school district developed the best special ed dept in SD.  No more daily driving anywhere!  Alan could read, write, etc anything the rest of us could.  We did not allow him to be as special as he started life out.  He was one of us. 

Age 16. it was time to find a sheltered workshop and school with training.  It broke our hearts to have him hundreds of miles away BUT he loved it.  He lived in foster homes, had foster famlies. Had responsibilites and knew he was loved.  By age 13, Alan was redxed as Prader Willi Syndrome--the eating disease with mild retardation.  The PW and CP are identical in early years.  PW has the increase of weight, eating, etc. A whole new story in itself.  As time went on he lived in many different states and schools.  Finally we got him moved to Willmar MN (10 years ago) with a program that got him is own house, his own job, his own bills, his own housemates, his own friends, church.  Arriving on the "practically normal" front also came other issues, such as puberty in his 30s-40s.  So that got changed too. 

Finally, my brother was as independent as he was going to be. He loved it.  WE loved it.  Networking gets you to these places.  Yes, there were days you wondered where you were going,  NEVER I wish he were not born.  NEVER, NEVER NEVER. 

Having his diet controlled by carb counting in a diabetic diet made so much sense.  It was the first diet that worked.  Last June Alan was feeling cold, crabby, and so we felt maybe he needed more carbs.  His house mom took him to the doctor, did some labs, which led to an CT, which led to a family meeting.  This child, our brother, had cancer!  Not 1 place, but 4 different kinds/places.  He was cared for, saw doctors, had a plan, etc.  This was something we did not see coming, EVER!  How do you take care of this now?  How do you make it worK?  How can you make it go away? 

Alan's words in the doctor's office made the choice difficult, yet we understood.  His voice, the Lord's words,  I do not want anything done, I do not want to be sick, I do not want medicines.  Leave me alone, please.  The doctor felt he understood (here is a person who had guardianship from the day he was born, we did the best 100% of the time) and we needed to follow Alan's request.  Do nothing.  Knowing what we know in our society of fix everything, it was very difficult to accept doing nothing.  But the Lord got us through.

We entered him into hospice immediately to help his house staff with what needs we could.  He also requested NO HOSPITAL, I want to live in my house.  We lived every day with him to the fullest. With many friends, family, pastors, there was always someone filling his day.  His normal schedule continued, if he felt tired, he would adjust it.

His main concern was his birthday in February 2008 he would be 50.  He wanted to be 50 like his 3 sisters.  That meant he got old.  So in August 2007, (49 1/2 yrs old) we had a 50th birthday party for him, he loved it, people came from all over to celebrate it. It was his birthday, our last time before his funeral to celebrate his life.   2 weeks later we had his funeral.  And we celebrated it the way Alan would have wanted his party to have been, balloons, tears, stories, love shared.  7 weeks was such a long time for him, a split second for us.

So please, there is help for those in need.  Don't give up.  Just cause today may be a 'bad' one, the future may be full of rainbows and balloons. 

(In Feb 2008, on his birthday, I made his favorite cinnamon rolls, poured up 2 gobletsof sparkling cider, toasted him with love, and blew out his candles, said I loved him forever and said it was time to go to bed.)

From Alan's loving sister, Joyce

 
March 22, 2008, 1:35 pm CDT

tired of being a Mom

I would certainly get help.  I lost my son to a terrilbe disease 22 yrs ago that affects the lining and inflamnation fo the brain. Viral encephalitis.   It was hell for a while, I had another child too.  I feel that is so much information about Autism today.We had support from our familiies and friends and our communit.  Our son did not surivive  and he was only 12.   

  Being a Mom and grandmother is just great, Get HElP

 

 
March 22, 2008, 2:29 pm CDT

Mom

I am a swedish women 50+ and I have 4 children betwen 38-26 years and 8 grandchildren betwen 18-2 years and never never  I stop to be a mom. My sister in low was 14 when she become a mom and she stil a mom and stil whit the same man so I cant anderstand how peopel can have a birth or merrige so eyserli like in USA. I´m sorry for you and I hope that you anderstand me.

Many lovley gretings from Sweden Anna-Lena Nikolic

 
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