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Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

Number of Replies: 916
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:38:55 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Dare: 03/25/08) Motherhood isn't always about the good times, like baking brownies and having game night with the family. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they can’t cope with their children, and they’re running out of resources. Robyn adopted her 10-year-old daughter, Alyssa, six years ago from the Ukraine and says she actually has thoughts of sending the girl back. Robyn says that Alyssa hasn’t bonded with her and doesn’t know how to love anyone. She says her daughter screams, cries, yells and even threatened to kill herself! Robyn’s husband, Joe, can’t imagine living without his adoptive daughter and intends to stand by his commitment to the child. What's the real reason Robyn never bonded with Alyssa? Then, Cyndi says if she’d known her 12-year-old son, Alex, had autism and Down syndrome, she may not have brought him into the world. She says he hits himself, screams, grunts at the top of his lungs and wears two pairs of diapers at a time because he’s not potty trained. Her husband, Ulis, says he doesn’t find it difficult to care for Alex, but Cyndi says she’s exhausted and overwhelmed. Should the boy be institutionalized? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Plus, meet a mom with four kids who’s already left home twice. Now she’s scared she may leave again — this time for good. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 25, 2008, 3:23 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

I agree with you both.

 

My mother went through a depression after my brothers were born.  One of them was born with numerous problems and  was in the hospital for a couple of weeks after birth, which affected his bonding with my mom.  I often took care of him and tried to deal with his behavioral problems.  When you're not cut out to be a mom (I don't know if my mom ever was), and then you throw in a child with a disability and various physical problems, it really put a strain on the marriage, and because the kid required so much attention, a strain on my relationship with my parents.  It's a big reason why I've put off having children so far, and why I may not have any at all.  I just can't deal with the possibility of bringing a child with so many problems into the world....I'm not up for round 2 of the same. 

 

How does one know if they're not cut out to be a mother?  Is there a way to know without getting pregnant and going through the experience? 

 I akesd my sister about that, she's 37, and childless by choice (if you want to piss her off, be one of those people that looks at her like she's some kind of freak, or say to her "well there's still time for you to change your mind ") .
I asked her how she KNEW she didn't want children of her own (shes's the "Cool" aunt, my kids like her more than they like me much of the time), she said she took time to know herself FIRST, and to find out if she had the time and patience, and if she were willing to give up her own career and life, she's in the navy, and she goes away a lot, okay I know many have done it, and she always said " Why would I bring a child into my world to drop it off with you and Mom while I go away for six months, you can't stick a Baby in a kennel ", I think it was just knowing what she wanted out of life, and kids just didn't fit.
You have a different perspective, see I can honestly say with three kids here without disabilities ( two 16, one 18) there are days the first band of gypsies to make me an offer, would get them all.I spent two years as a Teaching Assistant for developementally and physically challenged children, many of them with emotional problems, but I'm not sure I could do it 24/7 without a break.
Not sure I helped any, but that's just one perspective.
 
March 25, 2008, 3:36 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Quote From: rainpainrain

That is the most difficult part of it...people don't want to see mothers (and fathers) as merely human, they think we are some how superhuman.

I have had a hard time being a mom and my kid is perfectly healthy and "normal"...I can't imagine dealing with complications on top of it.

 Exactly.
And like the poster you responded to said, having a SUPPORT system is vital.
I don't think this Mother is evil, or a horrible parent, and to have Hubby say its "Easy" I supposed it is if you only deal with it for a couple of hours a day.
I remember coming home from work some days, and wondering how these Moms do it day after day, I admit I'm not sure I could, again I was with them for 4-6 hours a day, weekends off, summers and holidays off, and then not only the one child, but having to meet the physical and emotional needs of their so- called "normal " children, it takes a toll on the siblings as well, I've listened to these Mothers vent and cry, and more than people may think have the same feelings, they aren't evil people, they are HUMAN.
 
March 25, 2008, 3:40 am CDT

33 Year Old Mum

I can't imagine having that many children, myself.  I'm the same age that you are, and I'd probably feel like doing the same thing.  For one thing, I'm a lot like the character in my avatar, so you can imagine that I'm too much of a Rebel Rouser to be able to handle being tied down, by just one child and a husband.  I'd also want to chase the youth that I wouldn't have been able to experience.  You need to get away, for a week.  Maybe go to an outdoor rock concert, so that you can have a few days, to experience the youth, that you've never got to live through.
 
March 25, 2008, 4:00 am CDT

Why does autism have to be seen, as a bad thing?

I know that I'm much more higher functioning, than that woman's son, and I don't have Down Syndrome, but why does autism have to be seen, as a fate that's worse than cancer.  I'm not diseased, I'm disordered.  It's as though parents can handle their kids having any other disability, but as soon as they hear the word, autism, they freak out, as though it's some sort of scary monster, that takes over the soul of their child and leaves them as an empty shell.  I am not a shell.  I'm a whole person.  I experience good times and bad times, just as NTs do.  I also have feelings, like everybody else.  I also have a personality that's stronger than that, of most people.  The thing that I love the most about myself, is the fact that I'm obsessed with London, London's Routemaster double-decker buses, and that I've also spoken with a Cockney accent, my whole entire life, even though I was born and raised in Canada.  I also love how I can breeze through life being a soft-core Punker and allow myself to love my version of the 1970s, without worring or caring about what the so-called "normal" people in my town, think about me.  My friends call me Sid, from Flushed Away, because I'm exactly like the cute character in my avatar.  The fact that I have to wear Depend's, due to a soiling problem, is the least of my concerns.  I have more important things to worry about, like how I'm going to make money, if I have that physical problem, which keeps me from working.  I also know that I'm smart enough, to work that out and find an answer to that question.
 
March 25, 2008, 4:18 am CDT

No excuses!

 People need to think long and hard about having or adopting children.  Parenthood is not something to be entered into without a lot of consideration.  You have to ask yourself:  What would I do if my child is born handicapped-Would I be able to commit the rest of my life to an adult toddler who will never grow up?  You have to have unconditional love-not just what is convenient for you when things are going right.  They're going to worry you the rest of your life-regardless.  Are you ready for that?  Are you giving enough to accept them for what they are or what they become, good or bad?
I can understand how hard it is for people with handicapped children, but I have no use for people who throw their children away like they're garbage!  They don't want to take the time to work with them and help them-they let them fend for themselves and then blame them if they screw up.  Parenting takes time and effort, and if you don't want to take the time and do the work, don't have them!  There is absolutely no excuse for "wasting" a child-I don't care what the reason!
 
March 25, 2008, 6:43 am CDT

Tired of being a mom

I have seen Cyndi have wonderful times with Alex and difficult times.  Cyndi has tried every means of help for Alex.   Cyndi has made it a mission in her life to help Alex communicate.  She has fought to get Alex in the best school in her city.  She has fought to get funding to help Alex get the best care.  She has fought to make sure that Alex is protected where ever he goes.  Cyndi has socialized Alex.  Cyndi takes Alex to theaters.  Cyndi buys him things that he enjoys to play with.  Cyndi tries to make Alex's life as normal as possible.  Cyndi not only devotes her time to Alex but she also supports her other child, as well as giving back to the community.  She also gives her shoulder to others that are in need of support.  Please pray that Alex will get the help and some day be able to communicate to Cyndi and Ulis what he is feeling.
 
March 25, 2008, 6:50 am CDT

Yes...

Quote From: shadycat1

 I akesd my sister about that, she's 37, and childless by choice (if you want to piss her off, be one of those people that looks at her like she's some kind of freak, or say to her "well there's still time for you to change your mind ") .
I asked her how she KNEW she didn't want children of her own (shes's the "Cool" aunt, my kids like her more than they like me much of the time), she said she took time to know herself FIRST, and to find out if she had the time and patience, and if she were willing to give up her own career and life, she's in the navy, and she goes away a lot, okay I know many have done it, and she always said " Why would I bring a child into my world to drop it off with you and Mom while I go away for six months, you can't stick a Baby in a kennel ", I think it was just knowing what she wanted out of life, and kids just didn't fit.
You have a different perspective, see I can honestly say with three kids here without disabilities ( two 16, one 18) there are days the first band of gypsies to make me an offer, would get them all.I spent two years as a Teaching Assistant for developementally and physically challenged children, many of them with emotional problems, but I'm not sure I could do it 24/7 without a break.
Not sure I helped any, but that's just one perspective.

 

I know I don't have kids, but from what I've seen from moms on the board, I think it's a pretty common feeling to have days when you don't want to be mom anymore, disability or no.

I think it would piss me off when people (my MIL, for instance) ask me when I'm going to have them, but I just don't have that desire to have kids.  I can understand wanting to have them, and there are benefits to it, but I'd rather be the "cool aunt", I think I'd fit that role better anyway.  Thanks, that did help to talk about it.

 
March 25, 2008, 6:55 am CDT

Reactive Attachment Disorder/Adoptions

I hope to see more shows about adoption & reactive attachment disorder!  I am a mom of 5 grown children, and have fostered children for the past 5 years.  I currently have 3 adopted sons, and two foster sons.  Reactive Attachment is a gut wrenching, traumatizing disorder!  It is a monster and brings so much chaos into a family!  Parents need so much support and help parenting the RAD child!  They also need to be able to take a long break every few weeks to refresh themselves!  Only parents of a RAD's child can relate!
 
March 25, 2008, 6:57 am CDT

Tired of being a MOM

You know I grew up with a mom that didn't want me. She told me everyday I wish you were dead, I hate you, and your nothin but a wh*re and sl*t. She would send me away to anyone that would take me and people that wanted to adopt me she would tell them "I'm not done making her life hel." But wanted me back just so i could clean her house. She hated me because she had to divorce her husband for molesting me and other girls that she babysat for him to do it to. She kicked me out to a police officer when i was 14 and told him "You can have the b*tch I never wanted her to begin with." After I left that day she put my stuff on the curve for the trash man to come and get it. We went to court because she had filed Unruly charge and another charge against me. I went to all my teacher , employer, and the 5 families that I babysat for and had them write letters. When we got to court the judge made her drop the charges against me cause she had no proof that i was unruly. The judge told her "Do you know how dumb you are?" I about died laughing. I never had anything to do with her.

 

I had just had our son and the phone rang. My husband handed me the phone and the person on the other line said 'When can i come see my grandson?" I said 'You are not my mom so you don't have a grandson.' my husband then took the phone away from me. This woman has no clue its always been about her and she thinks she does nothing wrong and have never done nothing wrong. She has always told me that I made all this stuff up.

 

After kicking me out of the house. I found out she had foster children. Are you kidding me???? I called the foster agency and asked them "How can a woman not raise her own kids and raise someone elses?" They were out of her house fast.

 

She also kicked my younger sister out of the house. So now she has 2 girls that have nothing to do with her and don't want nothing to do with her. We each have 2 children and she calls herself a grandmother. WHATEVER!!!! She does get to see our kids but ONLY because she lives with her mother (our grandmother). it makes me sick though. I don't trust her and because of it I'm the bad child. I don't care!!! I'm here to love my children to the fullest and show them that I will protect them. I just now sat down both of my children and explained everything to them. The molestation, rape, beatings, and etc.

 

Then to top it all off the man that she was married to and is the man on my birth certificate ended up not being my dad. I found the other man we knew each other for 2 yrs. After that I agreed to tell him everything after I took him out for our first Father's Day. While waiting on him my husband called the house to see where he was. He had been killed earlier that day mowing his lawn and a man had a seizure and hit him head on. So I can't stand her for taking the precious time away from both of us. If she didn't want me then why didn't she just give me to him.

 

you know what my quote has always been: "Just becaue you bare a child does NOT mean you deserve the mother or father name. You have to earn that."

 
March 25, 2008, 7:03 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Quote From: lepojka

I am a swedish women 50+ and I have 4 children betwen 38-26 years and 8 grandchildren betwen 18-2 years and never never  I stop to be a mom. My sister in low was 14 when she become a mom and she stil a mom and stil whit the same man so I cant anderstand how peopel can have a birth or merrige so eyserli like in USA. I´m sorry for you and I hope that you anderstand me.

Many lovley gretings from Sweden Anna-Lena Nikolic

 

   Anna,

     I understood you.  Hang in there, and we will help you practice English. 

 
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