Topic : 05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Shanni is under the immature impression that this new guy will somehow act for the next 30 years the same way he is acting now while they are "dating". That is a very foolish and immature way of thinking. No man can meet all our needs. They don't even know what they are. We don't even know what they are most of the time and our needs at 20 are nothing like our needs at 30 and our needs at 40 or 50 are nothing like they were at 30. We are a constantly changing creature and we are lucky if they even TRY to keep up. Dating is really false advertisement and if a woman's primary need isn't sex, you will feel less than fulfilled. As women we need to surround ourselves with great friends that meet most of our needs and make the rest painfully clear to our husbands. They will barely listen and probably forget, so reminders are always necessary. Ultimately, we need to be strong, independent and autonomous and go deep within ourselves and communicate regularly with our Heavenly Father, who does meet all our needs even before we know what they are. Remember that usually in marriage a woman will give up the attention of many men for the inattention of one man. This new guy will be just like the last one after a short while. As for the kids, this will affect them in the long term. It's like they have this potential of 100% and everything in life will lower the ultimate end point. Everything from sexual abuse, mental abuse, bullying, divorce. They all affect where they will end up and who they will become. If we as parents can protect them from most of these things, we can increase their potential in life. I think divorce is a huge potential killer for our kids. They end up feeling somehow responsible and much less secure in general.

To the wife that is torn between two men,

Please stop and think before you react to the outside pressures that you feel at this moment.  As I watched this show today, I felt as though I was reliving my life.  After being married for 7 years, I too found myself involved in an affair with a man that I was working with.  He was leaving his wife, I had made up my mind and was leaving my husband, and we would live happily ever after together starting a new life.  I love my children however at that moment, I was needing to make myself happy at this moment in time.  My husband found out, and wanted to work things out.  Long story short, my husband had taken a long hard look at how our marriage had led to this affair.  I decided to take a step back from my lover, and for the children, give it one more try to save my marriage.  I realized that I really did love my husband and that the new man was not perfect either.  My husband and I took baby steps every day and talked about every emotion that entered our hearts at any moment.  Even if that thought was not pretty.  It took a while to work through this but in the end both myself and my husband realized that for the last few years we were roommates in the same house helping each other pay the bills.  We had taken each other for granted and no longer  were aware at what made us get married in the first place.  We started talking and making time for each again.  We made date nights and realized that we really did still love each other very much.  We are both happier now than we ever were and our children are happier because of this.  I have been exactly were you have been.  Trust me the day you tell yourself that you will give your marriage an honest try you will begin to heal.   If at the moment you don't feel that you can stay away from your lover, take a long hard look at your children and tell yourself that they deserve you to at least try.  I wish you and your family all of the courage and strength that you will need to get through this.......................but in the long run you will be better for it!!!  Character is not made by what you go through, but how you deal with it. 

I was 36 years old when I stepped out of my 'love-less' marriage.  I knew when I did it, that I was no longer in love with my husband of 16 years at that time.  He also was one that wouldn't give me affection or attention, listen to me when I needed him to, help me by supporting me and my fears and needs.  I tried for 3 years to get him to  'hear' me when I would tell him we were falling apart.  He kept telling me we were strong and I was just unappreciative of what I had and ungrateful, that he was a 'good man'. 

In saying this, we were trying to mend his affair that he'd had on me years earlier with a girl that I was best friends with of 7 years.  I continued to find numbers, emails, etc....he continued to tell me I was the only one and he loved me and we were strong.  Everyone around us saw a perfectly happy couple and envied what they perceived us to have.

I was very lonely, isolated and unhappy but we moved and tried to make things work. And  I DID break the affair and tried to work things out with him, but it didn't work.  I question WHY, when I decided to divorce him, he then and only then smothered me with gifts and promises of bigger and better things for our future.  It made me sick and I felt stalked...Why did it take me stepping out for him to see and appreciate me?  Why did I need to stay in a marriage that I knew if I stayed, I would waste another 10, 15 years with the possibility that I would be staying for him or the kids and not myself. I knew he'd only, once again, manipulate me using the 'family' for me to stay in the home and I no longer wanted to make it work for him when it wasn't working for me.  And i'm sorry he saw it when it was to late, but ...IT WAS TO LATE!

We have two wonderful children together...YES IT AFFECTED THEM.  The good thing about it, was they were older and they are now 16 and 20.  At the time this all started, they were 16 and 12, not babies and over the years, they've asked and I've continued therapy for myself and invited them also to accept counselling, but they feel like it was time for our marriage to end, but it felt like a death to us all.  We still grieve over the memories of what used to be and my ex is so bitter that I didn't accept him and move forward with him, that he carries a bitter look on his face and throws anger at me every chance he gets.  He keeps things petty...

Shani...when you file, BRACE YOURSELF for a bitter fight.  He's nice now...smothering you....I'm with you...I lived it and I'm living with the consequences of my decision every day.  I couldn't seem to break things off with my boyfriend either.  It would only last a few weeks to a few months.  I know the position you are in.

Do what you think will make you happy.  The children will hurt forever that they no longer have their family in tact, but with love and support and patience (and therapy), they will understand when they are older  that yes it's sad your marriage didn't work, but they would want you to be happy and you can move on and be happy.  But he's gonna get very angry and you'll see when he gets really pissed that you don't go back with him, he'll pull out all the stops and you'll question who the man is standing in front of you that you marriage and it will solidify why you are divorcing.

Do take some time for yourself.  Learn who you are again and what you will and will not put up with, with future men.  I know the man I'm with is probably not the one i'll marry.  I may never remarry.  But I found myself again and our kids love us both and can see both our faults but with time and positivity, they are coming out of the rough. 

Do what is working for you.  We only have one life...You did try to make it work.  I know in my heart you did.  It's a shame men see things when it's to late.  I kept telling him, but he didn't listen.  He thought i'd just get over it.  After awhile, you don't get over it...you step out and then divorce. When it's to late, it's to late.

Sometimes I wonder if I could've made it work had I stayed out of the affair with Matt, but the more I have to deal with my ex, the more I know I made the right decision for me.  He only thinks about his happiness...not mine.  My children want both of us to be happy and I concentrate on them, not him.  It took us two years for our divorce to become final and we also lived as roomates for over a year and a half before filing.  Just this past Sunday, I invited Matt to my home to meet my children for the first time.  We had a great time and they were more accepting and comfortable than I thought they'd be.  I was a nervous wreck.  After all, this was the man I was having an affair with during my break up in my marriage.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but once you fall in it, it's a bitch to get out.  Either way, you know whether or not you want to continue your marriage.

Good luck girl...it's a rough road....pray and take time to think things through....whether or not you stay with your boyfriend, it's obvious you are now detached from your marriage and don't want the chance of living that loneliness again with the same man that made you feel lonely and unappreciated. He didn't  'value' you and oh yea...don't let him emotional blackmail you with the kids.  Counseling does make a difference and the talks you have with them as they grow, will help them have a better understanding.

Sincerely,

Christine R.

Warner Robins, GA