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Topic : 05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Number of Replies: 936
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Created on : Friday, May 02, 2008, 01:29:24 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
When is it time to call it quits in a marriage? Jason and Shani have been married 11 years and have three young sons. Jason recently found out that Shani has been having an affair with her friend's husband. He is devastated and will do anything to save his marriage. Shani says she tried for two years to warn Jason that she needed more from him, but she says he ignored the signs. She's moved out of their house and says she's ready to move into the arms of Greg, her boyfriend of three months. What does she say is her only regret? Next, hear what Greg has to say about their relationship. Why do his comments infuriate Jason? Then, Shani's sister, Amber, who wrote to the show, weighs in. What does she have to say about her sibling's infidelity? When Dr. Phil tells Shani what he thinks needs to happen, will she take his advice? Is there hope for this couple on the brink of divorce?  Tell us what you think.

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May 8, 2008, 8:17 am CDT

grow up

Shanni is under the immature impression that this new guy will somehow act for the next 30 years the same way he is acting now while they are "dating". That is a very foolish and immature way of thinking. No man can meet all our needs. They don't even know what they are. We don't even know what they are most of the time and our needs at 20 are nothing like our needs at 30 and our needs at 40 or 50 are nothing like they were at 30. We are a constantly changing creature and we are lucky if they even TRY to keep up. Dating is really false advertisement and if a woman's primary need isn't sex, you will feel less than fulfilled. As women we need to surround ourselves with great friends that meet most of our needs and make the rest painfully clear to our husbands. They will barely listen and probably forget, so reminders are always necessary. Ultimately, we need to be strong, independent and autonomous and go deep within ourselves and communicate regularly with our Heavenly Father, who does meet all our needs even before we know what they are. Remember that usually in marriage a woman will give up the attention of many men for the inattention of one man. This new guy will be just like the last one after a short while. As for the kids, this will affect them in the long term. It's like they have this potential of 100% and everything in life will lower the ultimate end point. Everything from sexual abuse, mental abuse, bullying, divorce. They all affect where they will end up and who they will become. If we as parents can protect them from most of these things, we can increase their potential in life. I think divorce is a huge potential killer for our kids. They end up feeling somehow responsible and much less secure in general.

 
May 8, 2008, 8:20 am CDT

Love is an action word

My heart goes out to these families in pain. It is easy to think the grass is always greener on the other side. Marriage is a continual work in progress. My husband and I have been married for over 13 years with four children. There have been times we both wanted to give up, that we just didn't "feel" in love with each other. But I thank God we never fell out of love at the same time. Love is many things--commitment, hope, responsibility, faithfulness, trust, intimacy  all these characteristic can be restored for all those involved.  I was an adult when my parents divorced and it does have a lasting effect on anyone's children, younger or older.
 
May 8, 2008, 8:21 am CDT

They need to grow up!!

I watched this show and can see the problem myself, she should have done everything in the book to help her marriage, as per say, her husband said they went to counseling twice and she didn't do what she was supposed to do.....I guess she was really trying on that part...NOT! When a woman gets married and you have kids, you do everything in your power to keep the marriage going, not only for moral sake, but for the kids as well, and it does effect the kids highly, just because they don't show it, doesn't mean it isn't affecting them.......people show emotions differently.   I think she just wanted an affair, or that bad boy type guy, being he is smoking pot.....and you never know what else they do.  After the show was over, she was still not sure if she was going to help her marriage or not, I believe this marriage will end before to long, because that Greg guy seems controling a little bit.........god knows what his story his too........like someone said once a cheater will always be a cheater........and they both will cheat again.   I have 3 boys, 2 of them adults and one is in grade school.........am divorced for almost 10 years.......I will never again, let a man tell me what to do concerning my kids, if they can't go by what my rules are and my kids.......then hit the door jack!!   Sometimes you have to be a little cold hearted in life when trying a relationship and you have kids.....you are all they have and depend on you, so ladies if you decide to date, be sure you pick a good man that is going to be there for you and your kids whole heartedly.......and make sure you present relationship is over first before starting another one!   jamie
 
May 8, 2008, 8:28 am CDT

Please, stop and think

To the wife that is torn between two men,

Please stop and think before you react to the outside pressures that you feel at this moment.  As I watched this show today, I felt as though I was reliving my life.  After being married for 7 years, I too found myself involved in an affair with a man that I was working with.  He was leaving his wife, I had made up my mind and was leaving my husband, and we would live happily ever after together starting a new life.  I love my children however at that moment, I was needing to make myself happy at this moment in time.  My husband found out, and wanted to work things out.  Long story short, my husband had taken a long hard look at how our marriage had led to this affair.  I decided to take a step back from my lover, and for the children, give it one more try to save my marriage.  I realized that I really did love my husband and that the new man was not perfect either.  My husband and I took baby steps every day and talked about every emotion that entered our hearts at any moment.  Even if that thought was not pretty.  It took a while to work through this but in the end both myself and my husband realized that for the last few years we were roommates in the same house helping each other pay the bills.  We had taken each other for granted and no longer  were aware at what made us get married in the first place.  We started talking and making time for each again.  We made date nights and realized that we really did still love each other very much.  We are both happier now than we ever were and our children are happier because of this.  I have been exactly were you have been.  Trust me the day you tell yourself that you will give your marriage an honest try you will begin to heal.   If at the moment you don't feel that you can stay away from your lover, take a long hard look at your children and tell yourself that they deserve you to at least try.  I wish you and your family all of the courage and strength that you will need to get through this.......................but in the long run you will be better for it!!!  Character is not made by what you go through, but how you deal with it. 

 
May 8, 2008, 8:30 am CDT

Agree

Quote From: pitapita1

Thinking of cheating? Here's what you can expect.

 

One or both of you will loose your job. You will be so busy 'being in lust' that you cant concentrate, and will loose your job

 

If you are active in your church, you will loose that, too

If you are active in the community, you will loose that as well

 

You both will loose your friends. No one wants to have "that" around, so you have to find new friends

 

One or both of you will loose your house. Its impossible to afford child support for the families you left, the attorney's fees for both of you, AND manage a house. Plan on loosing the nice house you have and moving into an apartment

 

Your family will never understand, so plan on the fact that you will never be a real part of them again

 

Financially, you will never get ahead. You will struggle and have to 'live on love' for the rest of your life. You will give up everything you worked for before falling for the someone new.

 

Your kids will suffer so much. They will never recover from the lies and cheating.

 

Your new relationship will most likely never last.  There will be regret, you will grow to be suspect if your 'love' cheats on you, and they probably will.

 

Bottom line...Dont Cheat, it does not pay

That's what I would call...The "Hand Writing on Wall"  Very well put.
 
May 8, 2008, 8:31 am CDT

05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

I WAS WAITING FOR DR PHIL TO SAY.....HE'S LISTENING NOW!  THE HUSBAND GOT HIS WAKE-UP CALL, NOW SHE NEEDS TO WAKE UP AND GIVE THIS GUY A FAIR CHANCE, I CAN BET HE WOULD DO ABOUT ANYTHING!
 
May 8, 2008, 8:32 am CDT

05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Quote From: getrealtime

Losing me, means I'm thinking of walking out the door, not I'm slipping into my friends husbands bed, so i can make more people  unhappy just like me!!!!!!!
WELL I'm thinkin of walking out the door means come up off your butt and do something. Like, before it gets to that point.
 
May 8, 2008, 8:33 am CDT

I can relate on some levels

Quote From: thedaycame

Wow, watching this reminds me of my father. I am 30 years old and still dealing with the emotional effects of my father's adultery almost 9 years ago. For Greg to say that it won't affect the kids is ridiculous!! There are other issues I have with my father that have nothing to do with his adultery but the fact that he passively sat by and watched our "house" burn to the ground is still hard to take. My father is now married to the woman he cheated with my mom on, whom he met at church btw! He called me a year after my wedding to tell me that he was married and going to have a baby!!! They have a daughter who will be 7 this year. I did try to have a relationship with my father and his family. My father's wife has successfully gotten me out of their lives. I have a step-sister and a half sister who I haven't seen in years. Since my father to this day has not admitted what he did was really wrong I decided it wasn't emotionally healthy for me to have a relationship with him. I tried for 2 years to no avail. Once his wife was mad at me for something ridiculous. He took me out to lunch to tell me that she was mad at me and that I couldn't see my sisters. I told him that if he wasn't willing to stand up for me, his daughter, that I wasn't willing or able to have a relationship with him. He doesn't have a backbone and she controls everything. It's sad. Wow, I didn't know I was still angry :) I have forgiven him but I now have 2 boys who he has never met. One is 4 and the other 10 months. I am hoping and praying that one day we will have contact again, I just can't allow myself to be in an emotionally unhealthy relationship with a man who justifies his actions and with a woman who helped destroy what was left of our family. I hope that Shani will read some of these posts and know that her boys are more important and that she helps write on the story of their lives. I myself am realizing the awesome and difficult responsibility of raising children. I also realize how hard it must have been for my mother and father but what my father didn't do was admit his responsibility, ask for our forgiveness or try to change his ways. He went with what felt good. I'm wondering now, does it feel so good?
Boy! Reading your post makes me wonder if we have the same step mother! Yikes! My heart goes out to you because I know how you feel when it comes to daddy picking another woman over his own flesh and blood. Now, my father and mother were actually going through a divorce before he got involved with this wife, but the affects are just as deep. My parents divorced because my dad was controling and abusive to the point where he once told me and my sister that we would become orphans if my mother wouldn't take him back and that was AFTER he got involved with this so-called woman! My mom left him for the final time in Oct. of 1986 (I was 14) and he moved this woman and her 3 kids in our home that we grew up in about 2 months later! The divorce was final in January of 1988 (ironically on their would be 18th wedding anniversary) and he and the "step-monster" was married the very next month.  Just as your step-mother, she has done everything in her power to ruin any kind of effort we made to have a relationship. He put us through hell, and when I became an adult and spent two years out of his life, he was in an accident. It changed him and then I decided that I wanted to try to get to know my father and I have since forgiven him, BUT our relationship is on my terms only! I chose this because I still have lasting scars and now that I'm almost 36 yrs. old, I still have nightmares. The man does call me every week , but I live almost two hrs. away from him and he seems to think the road goes only one way and expects me to do the traveling to see him. That is when I told him that I will see him on my terms and when my schedule allows or even WHEN I choose to see him and that I didn't owe him anything and that I have forgiven him NOT FOR HIM,BUT FOR MY PIECE OF MIND! I have not however forgiven his wife because she has not changed or apologized for all her cruelty and she and her kids have come in and turned our lives upside down and took over our home. I call them THE INTRUDERS! Because that's what they are. My father did apologize and he finally owned what he did all those years and including allowing that wife of his to dictate to him what was going to be. I also see that he is getting alot of what he dished out back because she is clearly the controling one, she has put him in debt, he has been ill for the past few years and it has hurt his relationships with family members. If you feel you want some support with someone who can relate, I'd be happy to be a sounding board. Just remember, it may hurt, but your father is the one missing out, not you and your kids. God Bless!
 
May 8, 2008, 8:33 am CDT

Get the Divorce Shani!

I was 36 years old when I stepped out of my 'love-less' marriage.  I knew when I did it, that I was no longer in love with my husband of 16 years at that time.  He also was one that wouldn't give me affection or attention, listen to me when I needed him to, help me by supporting me and my fears and needs.  I tried for 3 years to get him to  'hear' me when I would tell him we were falling apart.  He kept telling me we were strong and I was just unappreciative of what I had and ungrateful, that he was a 'good man'. 

In saying this, we were trying to mend his affair that he'd had on me years earlier with a girl that I was best friends with of 7 years.  I continued to find numbers, emails, etc....he continued to tell me I was the only one and he loved me and we were strong.  Everyone around us saw a perfectly happy couple and envied what they perceived us to have.

I was very lonely, isolated and unhappy but we moved and tried to make things work. And  I DID break the affair and tried to work things out with him, but it didn't work.  I question WHY, when I decided to divorce him, he then and only then smothered me with gifts and promises of bigger and better things for our future.  It made me sick and I felt stalked...Why did it take me stepping out for him to see and appreciate me?  Why did I need to stay in a marriage that I knew if I stayed, I would waste another 10, 15 years with the possibility that I would be staying for him or the kids and not myself. I knew he'd only, once again, manipulate me using the 'family' for me to stay in the home and I no longer wanted to make it work for him when it wasn't working for me.  And i'm sorry he saw it when it was to late, but ...IT WAS TO LATE!

We have two wonderful children together...YES IT AFFECTED THEM.  The good thing about it, was they were older and they are now 16 and 20.  At the time this all started, they were 16 and 12, not babies and over the years, they've asked and I've continued therapy for myself and invited them also to accept counselling, but they feel like it was time for our marriage to end, but it felt like a death to us all.  We still grieve over the memories of what used to be and my ex is so bitter that I didn't accept him and move forward with him, that he carries a bitter look on his face and throws anger at me every chance he gets.  He keeps things petty...

Shani...when you file, BRACE YOURSELF for a bitter fight.  He's nice now...smothering you....I'm with you...I lived it and I'm living with the consequences of my decision every day.  I couldn't seem to break things off with my boyfriend either.  It would only last a few weeks to a few months.  I know the position you are in.

Do what you think will make you happy.  The children will hurt forever that they no longer have their family in tact, but with love and support and patience (and therapy), they will understand when they are older  that yes it's sad your marriage didn't work, but they would want you to be happy and you can move on and be happy.  But he's gonna get very angry and you'll see when he gets really pissed that you don't go back with him, he'll pull out all the stops and you'll question who the man is standing in front of you that you marriage and it will solidify why you are divorcing.

Do take some time for yourself.  Learn who you are again and what you will and will not put up with, with future men.  I know the man I'm with is probably not the one i'll marry.  I may never remarry.  But I found myself again and our kids love us both and can see both our faults but with time and positivity, they are coming out of the rough. 

Do what is working for you.  We only have one life...You did try to make it work.  I know in my heart you did.  It's a shame men see things when it's to late.  I kept telling him, but he didn't listen.  He thought i'd just get over it.  After awhile, you don't get over it...you step out and then divorce. When it's to late, it's to late.

Sometimes I wonder if I could've made it work had I stayed out of the affair with Matt, but the more I have to deal with my ex, the more I know I made the right decision for me.  He only thinks about his happiness...not mine.  My children want both of us to be happy and I concentrate on them, not him.  It took us two years for our divorce to become final and we also lived as roomates for over a year and a half before filing.  Just this past Sunday, I invited Matt to my home to meet my children for the first time.  We had a great time and they were more accepting and comfortable than I thought they'd be.  I was a nervous wreck.  After all, this was the man I was having an affair with during my break up in my marriage.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but once you fall in it, it's a bitch to get out.  Either way, you know whether or not you want to continue your marriage.

Good luck girl...it's a rough road....pray and take time to think things through....whether or not you stay with your boyfriend, it's obvious you are now detached from your marriage and don't want the chance of living that loneliness again with the same man that made you feel lonely and unappreciated. He didn't  'value' you and oh yea...don't let him emotional blackmail you with the kids.  Counseling does make a difference and the talks you have with them as they grow, will help them have a better understanding.

Sincerely,

Christine R.

Warner Robins, GA

 
May 8, 2008, 8:41 am CDT

what about her

 i was just wondering if anyone thought of the 2 years prior to this that she begged and pleaded with her husband to give her attention.  Does anyone think he may have checked out emotionally long before she did?  I am not saying she or he went about this the right way, but i can understand where she comes from and i dont really think her moving back in with him and the kids is going to be helpful to the kids.  I think she needs to stay moved out and work on  her marriage from the outside in so as not to confuse the children anymore in case in 90 days it doesnt work out and she moves out yet again.  I do think if the other relationship is worth its weight in water it will be there in 90 days if thats what they both want.  I do believe from what she said her husband did check out emotionally and she tried but to no avail and not saying that her new "boyfriend" is the ONE but he may have been the ONE to give her her self esteem back to make her feel pretty and interesting as opposed to the her husband who didnt.  Neither of these relationshiops may work out for her but at least she will know she tried and that she is an attractive interesting woman who deserves more and maybe her and her husband after 90 days can work out something if not be reunited then a type of amicable friendship for the kids.  Just my opinion but i thought i would put it out there I have never posted on anything like this before but in watching this on tv i could see her point where some folks see her as the bad wife, mother and not the abondened wife who loves her children but needs to find some happiness in order to be a good mother to them instead of a depressed , empty mother. 
 
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