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Topic : 07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Number of Replies: 98
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Created on : Sunday, July 24, 2005, 03:25:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

When it comes to sex, what's normal and what's dysfunctional? Howard's fetish for long, straight, freshly groomed hair has led him down some dangerous paths. Now it could be destroying his marriage. Then, Elisa thinks sex is "dirty and gross," while her fiance wants it every day. And, is porn a "normal guy thing," and how much of it is enough to call off a wedding? Share your thoughts here.


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July 26, 2005, 3:27 pm CDT

12-Step programs

I'm new here and am familiar with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I'm curious. Why do I never hear Dr. Phil talk about traditional addiction recovery and treatment such as AA, Al-Anon, Sex/Love Addits Anonymous, etc.? Is it due to the anonymous tradition of the programs and he trys to honor that? These programs are amazing and have, frankly, saved my life! The 12-steps are amazingly healing for both the addict and the co-addict (such as Alanon)? Whats up here? Does he believe in 12-step work? I see this poor addict and his fiance on here and surely she can't really believe that he's just gonna' make a committment and change because he wants to and because she wants him to? I hope she is aware that she has a problem as well or she wouldn't have been attracted to him to begin with! RUN GIRL and get help for YOU!
 
July 26, 2005, 3:30 pm CDT

Sex deprived

 

 I feel a little like the woman who's husband has the fetish, but a few things are different. My husband likes a fit woman and that I am not right now. We have had two children and my body is not in the shape we are both happy with. But the problem is that he is 'not able' to have sex with me becasue he needs that attraction. We have had sex only once in about two years. This kills me, I looove sex and so does he, but he does not understand my inability to understand sex is more than a physical act. The intimacy to him is in the little things he does. I agree, but I don't feel I should have to trade off sex for hugs and kisses every so often. I am being tore apart here and we fight very often about this. Please give me your thoughts!

 
July 26, 2005, 3:33 pm CDT

You've hit the nail on the head

Quote From: shadow5l

Maybe he does't know how to make love with her. He could be ruff with her even though he says he

loves her. He should use the vibrater. She is like me, I love my husband, but I don't need to have sex all the time like he does. He doesn't really know how.

It helps to tell him where the G spots are. (where it feels good at)

shadow5l

You've really hit the nail on the head with this one, i'm 48 and discussing this matter with friends of around my age i felt like i was an alien from another planet.When i make love to my wife, i have like a good 45 minutes of foreplay and when we cant hold it any longer we go to the act.Well most of my friends are like rabbits or mice, no wonder women are like this poor girl. i know men arouse easier but hey! this is done with two peoples.How many women have never had an orgasm(with someone)? You'd be surprised that's why vibrator industry will never die.

There should be a school for that, you've mentionned maybe he's rough well maybe he simply dosn't know how it works, one of my friends complained of dryness when they do the act and that his girlfriend often tells him that she dosn't like it!?!? i asked did you even tried to do something so she would start to (sorry for the choice of words) secrete something? and he answered like what. Man!! Men of my age missed the entire year of be nice to your wife school.

I really feel for all the women with those problems.

 
July 26, 2005, 3:36 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: snoopy974

Don't do it if you don't like him looking at porn.

You can make him change this temporarily, but not forever. A guy that looks at porn will allways have the desire to look at porn. You can't make him change that. If you try, it might work for awhile. But he will only be supressing it and eventually he will go out and find it again. And then you will have to deal with it then.

Also, if you make him quit, then he won't be himself and, therefore, will be living a lie. He won't be his ownperson, he will be what you want him to be. How long do you think it will take for him to get tired of living that way? Then, you may have to deal with him having affairs and such. And when might that be? After you have allready had kids? When you knew in the first place that he liked looking at porn and you kept him from it. You kept him from being himself.

I personally allow my husband to look at porn. I know he loves me and only me. It doesn't bother me. I know he is going to bed with me at night and he won't be fantasizing that I am one of them. Men love sex and looking at females. If you keep him happy at home, then he won't venture out and find what is missing in his life. If you let him look at the women online and give him great sex, he will allways be by your side. Men love sex, they gotta have it, and they WILL get it, however they have to. Wouldn't you rather him be getting it at home and in front of you than out there somewhere behind your back?

P.S. Looking at porn online, on video, or in magazines IS NOT CHEATING. Going out and having sex with other women IS. You women need to get that straight and lighten up, and quit being so insecure. It's a normal natural thing for men to do this. Any man that doesn't like to look a naked women is very strange to me. I would think that something was wrong with him.

I have to agree that if she does not approve of him looking at porn that she should not marry him. However I dis agree with you very strongly that all men have no self control over there sex lives. We all have choice men and women You are saying that your husband is in your bed every night and that looking at porn is not a problem. I challenge you to find out if you are the one he sees when he is having sex with you! I doubt it..the images are of the porn girls!! And it is wrong and I am a pretty opened minded recovering person who believes in a high power who I choose to call God I have been sober for almost 10 years and to ejaculate is to have sex. Iam sorry but you are dead wrong IT IS CHEATING! GOD MADE MAN AND HE MADE WOMEN TO BE TOGETHER NOT BY OURSELVES. It's not normal to have sex with yourself. Humans have made what God intended to be good UGLY and Nasty.
 
July 26, 2005, 3:41 pm CDT

I have been where you are...

I have been where you are,  but for me it was something I found out about my husband after we had been married.  He was not only hooked on porn but phone sex as well.  I know just how you feel, worthless, unwanted, not good enough, you probably even think there is something wrong with you.  For me it ended a six year marriage in divorce with two children involved because he kept saying he had stopped and wouldn't do it any more, but it kept popping up in forms of bills. 
There were checking account debits for monthly web site subscriptions and the phone bills.....well lets just say we were in debit to the phone company for over $1500 for one months phone bill.  I even got him to agree to marriage counseling to see if our marriage could be saved.  After one session, and the therapist saying my husband needed individual counseling, my husband decided that counseling wouldn't work for us and filed for divorce.  Anyone that is in this situation now and is not married yet DO NOT DO IT until you get professional help with it and get it resolved.  Going through with the marriage will not fix it.
 
July 26, 2005, 3:45 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: young1

I have never written a message on a message board so forgive me if I sound silly. I am 41 years old, happily married with two young children. I love my husband very much but I have no desire for sex. I wish so much that we didn't have to have sex. If I thought it wouldn't hurt my marriage I would be thrilled never to have sex again. My husband, sick of being rejected, has stopped asking for it all together. I know this isn't what he wants but he doesn't know what else to do anymore.

I've read Dr. Phil's advice about automatic thoughts and how this problem can be resolved in weeks but I just don't buy it. I don't know of any sexual abuse in my past but I do know that mymother often rejected my father. Can that be where my attitude is coming from?

I'm so sick of this being an issue/problem with my husband and me. Can anyone offer any advice?

Thanks!

I would suggest if you are spiritual at all to pray. God can do for you what you can not do for yourself if you will trust and have faith. I could not imagine not giving my husband sex. # 1 Because as I get older and I am 40 I absolutely enjoy sex. If anything there are times that my husband is the one with the headache not me. There is a book by Laura Slessinger Called How to feed and Nurture your husband I reccomend it highly. God Bless
 
July 26, 2005, 3:52 pm CDT

07/26 Extreme Sex Differences

Quote From: adams72282

I have been married for almost 5 years now and have 3 children with my husband and he is addicted to porn. I know how she feels because I feel the same way. My husband is addicted to the point that he has looked at it and even relieved himself in the same room as2 of our children while they were "watching a movie"(they are 3 and 1).I have had to put parental controls on his internet account to keep him from doing something that I don't know about. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Can it be fixed? Yes! My husband has been recovering for at least a year now. Does he slip up? Of course(like when he did it in front of our children, Which I almost divorced him over).But the relapses get further apart. Something that people need to think about is that some people do this for other reasons. Like my husband was sexually abused by a man from the time he was 3 until he was 15 or 16. These things play a HUGE roll in his porn addiction, and is the only reason that we are still together.If you have the patience to stand by someone who suffers from this, you can do it. He doesn't mind having the parental controls on his account because it helps him to stay away from it. He has no problem with me seeing his e-mail or knowing where he goes online. That is what lets me know that he really wants to change, And gives me the strengh to stick with it and help him get better.
I feel so sorry for you.  You are wearing blinders!  You cannot help your husband "get better".  He is a sexual addict, you will not change him.  I have been in the same position as you, lived and loved a sexual addict.  My ex destroyed my self esteem.  I would love to be able to love again, but along with love comes trust and I don't know if I will ever trust another person.  I pray for you and your children.  A sex addict is just that, a sex addict.  Will he turn into a pediphile????  Or is he already?  You have small children, you are responsible for those lives.  Do you really think that what he is doing does not influence them?  I pray that he does not molest them.  Or for that matter, any other children.  Please, just remember, who he sleeps with, you sleep with.  That is the one thing that finally made my decision to divorce my ex.  He was a Preacher also.  That should say something.
 
July 26, 2005, 3:59 pm CDT

rules

Quote From: 03fenix

ok, I agree with these two women about how it makes me feel. I found that he looks at internet porn all the time-I tried just last night talking to him about it.....all he said was sorry. and that was the end of it. It really hurts my feelings!

Here is the catch, I enjoy watching videos and looking at pics WITH him....and I think that is where our trouble comes in. He doesn't understand-although, he hasn't said this. I just feel that is what he is thinking, just won't tell me. He doesn't liketo argueAT ALL, and does whatever he can toby pass it.

We currently got engaged and our wedding is to be next Sept.-however, I don't want to get married and go through this all the time. It makes me feel like crap!!

I am stuck-I don't know what to do either....I love him and like I said-we do look at this stuff together-that's why its so complicated. Any advice??

Make a rule. He is allowed to look at pornography with you provided you agree on the content along with him, but he is not allowed to look at by himself. If he can agree to this, go ahead and marry him and hold him to it. If he can't agree, don't marry him. This is exactly what I did with my husband, and it worked. You shouldn't be shy at all about making him choose you over porn. You deserve the be the only one.

 
July 26, 2005, 4:26 pm CDT

sexual addiction

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

This is such a coincidence.  I just confronted the man in my life.  He feels he "doesn't have a problem" and that "all men do it."  For him (I have discovered), this includes partying and having sex with individuals in swinging groups, and going to swinging clubs.  He explored the S & M/Bondage area, and is now in a side "relationship" with his Dominatrix.  He says he "must call her" whenever she calls him, and that she has become a good friend -- that she gives him "business advice." 

 

I have listened to these "all men do it" comments -- regarding cyber-porn in his case, for too long, and just this week confronted him, told him that he was sexually addicted, and that I did not want to have anything further to do with him until he sought help.  I haven't heard from him since (of course). 

 

Sadly, before I was aware of what he was doing, I had unprotected sex with him, and am now dealing with the after effects of HPV (human papaloma virus).  I have a stage II dysplasia, and had to have surgery in May due to damage to my cervix.  I have my next PAP test next month, and if it is not clear, I will have to have a hysterectomy.  The HPV came from his sex adventures on breaks in Egypt, Spain and the Orient while he was in Iraq, he tells me (now).  Of course, while he was there, and upon his return, he told me he was celibate and "true to me" during his tour in Iraq.  In reality, he was also having an affair with a military woman, and had set up a rendevous with another woman before he came home to me.

 

Sexual addiction can kill.  I am so grateful that I found out about the HPV "gift" I received from my sexually addicted lover before it was too late.  I'm also grateful it was "just" HPV and not HIV! 

 

Please tell that sweet, unsuspecting girl (Kiza) that she should run while she still can.       

 
July 26, 2005, 4:31 pm CDT

He thinks it's "art"....

I too have a boyfriend that has an addiction to Porn...not only online, but refuses to give up his Playboy subscription.  He says that Playboy is art, but Playgirl is disgusting if I want to look at it, which I don't.  He also has to cut out pics from the subscription postcards and etc...and hang them up in his closet to look at.  He rubs it in my face all the time and refuses to give any of it up....he also tells me how he would "do" certain people, like Anna Nichole Smith is the love of his life and hates it when I put her down.  He keeps telling me that we are going to get married in Oct or Nov in Las Vegas but I tell him it is not happening because he does not put me first in anything....I don't even know why I have stayed with him this long.  Some things have improved a little, but his pornography stuff has not.  If you feel hurt and disgusted by his continued porn sites and such, DO NOT marry him until you feel he is into you and has no need for "eye candy".  I also believe that porn is a form of cheating and do not believe in it at all.  I almost left my man 2 weeks ago for problems we are having and he had the nerve to go online and register with a singles service....I should of kept going back to Wisconsin instead of continuing the abuse....
 
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