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Topic : 08/29 Internet Dramas

Number of Replies: 83
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, August 21, 2008, 04:08:59 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
More than half of the households in America have one or more computers. These days, it’s common to surf the net, pay bills or even shop online, but do you know someone who spends way too much time on the computer? Dr. Phil’s guests are desperate to get their loved ones off the PC because their obsession with the Internet is causing major drama in their families and marriages. Chris and Virginia say they had no idea their 10-year-old daughter was having sexual conversations with men online, until a phone call in the middle of the night shocked them to their core. Parents, you won’t believe where the inappropriate conversations started! Then, meet Bob, a husband and father who is so addicted to the online game EverQuest that he admits he’s forgotten to feed his children! He spends up to 80 hours a week playing his computer game and has stopped eating with his family, playing with his kids and even sleeping in the same bed with his wife, Tiffany. See what happened when Tiffany gave him an ultimatum: give up the game or his family. And, meet a mom who spends all her time perfecting the online profiles she created for her dogs! Her two sons say, "What about us?" Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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August 25, 2008, 1:13 pm CDT

Computer Addiction

I am 71 years old and am legally blind.  My computer makes me feel like I am a sighted person.  The Missouri Blind Rehab has furnished me all the software, computer and monitor that makes it possible.  Maybe you can call me an Addict but I can read all the news, inspirational stories and talk with friends that I have made on line. 

 

I feel there should be another side to computers and it is the good that it allows someone like me to be able to read.  I cannot read normal print so my zoomtext lets me read at 6 times the normal print.

 

I have even set up my own website and have written an article on me and my blindness.  The website is http://youravonfamilystore.com

The name of the article is The Power of Positive Thinking.

 

Without my computer, I would just sit and try to watch TV that I can only see figures.  To give you some ideal what sight I have, a normal sighted person has 170 degrees of field in each eye.  I  only have 3 degrees in one eye and that is foggy.  I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me because I do not let my blindness get me down.  As I said in my article, if you think positive, you can accomplish anything you want.

 

So Dr. Phil, please give a positive outlook on computers.  There are two sides to everything.

 

Your program lately has had a lot of negative things.  I know that there are a lot of negative causes but a lot are brought on by the people.  When I watch your show, sometimes I want to say to them  Get A Life.

 

Thanks for letting me sound off and I hope you will read my article on The Power of Positive Thinking.

 

Enjoy your show most of the time.  I completely agree that you are a great asset to todays world.

 

Keep up the good work and God Bless

Maggie Kress

wwjd1@tds.net

 
August 25, 2008, 4:46 pm CDT

What You Need to Have Done

Quote From: chriskramar

I am glad this discussion is going on.

 

If someone would have held my hand years ago and acknowledged that I was living with an addict, and to handle the relationship that way, then my decision making would have been clearer.

 

I truly hope that support becomes available for the people who live with someone who has this addiction.

 

I used to cry to my friends, my mother, even my minister that I was so sad and my husband was doing nothing to contribute to the family.  As long as he had a full time job they insisted that I had to give him his computer time.  I was told that he had a "social anxiety disorder" and that the computer was the only thing to relieve his stress.  His therapists never looked at how he was not functioning in real life.  His social skills decreased over time. 

 

He cannot exist without being the version of himself that he wants to be online. 

 

I even had a marriage therapist suggest that I get my own separate computer and logins so that I could participate online with him.  This was unrealistic because then who would be watching the kids!

 

I was told that I was over reacting too many times, but now see it was because therapists (many of whom were in their 60's at the time) had little or no exposure to online life and could not see its addictive qualities.

 

I doubt that he has found a therapist who really gets it.  But he has to be the one who wants help.  I doubt that he does because what he is doing works for him.  The enablers in his life pat themselves on the back that at least he is not an alcoholic, but don't get it that what he does is equally destructive.

 

 

I rarely post to these message boards but I couldn't let this go unanswered. You should have taken the computer out of the house and gone through therapists until you found one who gets it. If you had physically taken the computer out of the house and gotten him to someone who can see this for what it actually is, an addiction which is even more dangerous than alcohol or illegal drugs because the PC or Mac is so essential to modern life and that you should have taken it out of the house and focused on the serious fallout from your husband's addictionn and the underlying reasons WHY  he went online in the first place.

Before you rip my head off for not knowing what I am talking about, I , when I got  seriously stressed, I crawled into my laptop and would spend most of my day after my work was done for the day on my laptop either surfing the blogs or leave my iChat on and talk to people on my list for most of the given night. My recent new thing is Second Life and it nearly consumed me but my sitiation here pulled me out of it ( A trip to the hospital and a med change seemed to have fixed that) I still use my laptop for work and some surfing, but I do not live online and have no intention of living online ever again.

I feel that your ex can still  be saved and that your divorce was ill considered because you and your husband did  not get to the bottom of why he turned to the net and unplugged himself from the marriage to begin with. You have correctly  said that he is the one that has to admit that he has a problem but with all the enablers that he has, he probably won't. You need to remind him of the reality(Your two kids) and that he cannot hide from them forever. I will be watching the boards for your reply.

                                             Phantom
 
August 26, 2008, 5:21 am CDT

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Obviously everyone on this message board could be doing something else instead of spending time on the computer. Are we "the pot, calling the kettle black"?  Look around you right now. Is there something in your non-cyber world that needs to be done? Someone in a nursing home to visit? A church newsletter that needs to be folded? The children down the street whose mom is not around to bake them some cookies? To the woman who said her husband spends 100% of his time watching tv...that's what's wrong with spending 90% of the time on the computer.  There are more people in the world than just your husband and yourself. Pull the plug. Gotta get back to the real world now...bye.
 
August 26, 2008, 7:39 am CDT

Son Addicted to Internet Porn

I have a 23 year old son who is addicted to internet porn and has been going through this since age 16 year old. He has been kicked out of the Air Force, Lost Numerous Job mostly because he has this horriable attitude, which comes from this addiction. This all began in 1998-1999 when he was sexually molested by ex-husband's brother and there was some react from this by my son. He has always feared since then, that he might become gay and since then he has taken this completely to another level. He has spend 600.00 in a month and half on internet porn, he is in a 2 year relationship and he is trying to get her into a three person sex act, he is chatting with women from all over the world about sex, and yet sees nothing wrong with it.

 

Dr Phil what do I do? How Can I help? I sent him to counseling recently for him to only come back and tell me how much he hates me, my voice and my face. He even told me I was a stupid F***. So what do I do now? Dr Phil Please advise me how to address this issue and if you have a show or someone that could help him please do, he is not a bad boy just messed up. Thank you. Auburne

 
August 26, 2008, 1:27 pm CDT

Internet phone sex

The internet dramas such as chat room and phone internet sex has become a major concern for many households. It has not only lead to the breakup of marriages. I some cases it has caused children to run  away from home.   As a private investigator I see and hear this too much. Both husbands and wifes are hiring me to confirm suspected infidelity or find their missing daughter who has run away to meet their internet lover.
 
August 27, 2008, 5:49 pm CDT

08/29 Internet Dramas

Quote From: phantom2007

I rarely post to these message boards but I couldn't let this go unanswered. You should have taken the computer out of the house and gone through therapists until you found one who gets it. If you had physically taken the computer out of the house and gotten him to someone who can see this for what it actually is, an addiction which is even more dangerous than alcohol or illegal drugs because the PC or Mac is so essential to modern life and that you should have taken it out of the house and focused on the serious fallout from your husband's addictionn and the underlying reasons WHY  he went online in the first place.

Before you rip my head off for not knowing what I am talking about, I , when I got  seriously stressed, I crawled into my laptop and would spend most of my day after my work was done for the day on my laptop either surfing the blogs or leave my iChat on and talk to people on my list for most of the given night. My recent new thing is Second Life and it nearly consumed me but my sitiation here pulled me out of it ( A trip to the hospital and a med change seemed to have fixed that) I still use my laptop for work and some surfing, but I do not live online and have no intention of living online ever again.

I feel that your ex can still  be saved and that your divorce was ill considered because you and your husband did  not get to the bottom of why he turned to the net and unplugged himself from the marriage to begin with. You have correctly  said that he is the one that has to admit that he has a problem but with all the enablers that he has, he probably won't. You need to remind him of the reality(Your two kids) and that he cannot hide from them forever. I will be watching the boards for your reply.

                                             Phantom

I had tried in 1997 to take the computer out of the home.  This caused him to drive over to an internet cafe to get online or go to his parents house.  Eventually his therapist and his family stated that he was so stressed and that the computer was his only release.  I was mocked that it was "just the computer" and why was I jealous of a few games.

 

I was made to feel guilty that I had a "good man" because at least he was not an alcoholic like so many others we knew.  But his behavior was just as destructive.

 

It still makes me sick thinking of all the times I was laughed at that how could I be jealous of the computer.  This took the focus off of his behavior of every waking minute online, and placed the blame on me.

 

In 1997 I had trouble finding a therapist in Portland, Oregon who even had email, not to mention someone who had seen chat or understood its addictive properties.

 

Kimberly Young published her first paper about the additction in 1996 but I could not get a therapist to read it.  When you are getting help through an HMO with overbooked therapists they just are not going to take that extra step. I worked as hard as I could to support my family, raise two children, and get this man who believed there was nothing wrong some help.

 

My ex had a lot of issues.  Many that he thought he should have been bigger or more important than what he turned out to be.  He got through college, got married, did all the things a person is "supposed" to do but he was not wildly sucessful and expected much more to be handed to him than he was willing to work toward.  In person he is quite a shy person, but in chat he can be the life of the party.

 

He suffered from clinical depression which he would never continue his meds on.  Once he started reading conspiracy theories about medications he never went back on them and got even worse. He won't go back to a therapist which in part I blame on that the doctors he has seen spend 30 minutes with him, write a script, and that is it.  He believes that the advice he gets online from people who have "listened" to him is better than professionals.

 

He has a severe inferiority complex where he is very jealous of what others have and what he believes he cannot accomplish for himself.  He believes that everyone has it easier than him. He is insanely jealous that after the divorce I finished my degree and remarried to a man who is better off financially, but does not see that we work very hard at our family business and do not owe him a thing.

 

Online you can find a group of folks who will agree with whatever nutcase opinion you may have at that moment.  He had friends online who agreed with his decisions, whose opinions were louder to him than my own.

 

There is a lot of comfort for him in crawling into the net to be the attractive, sucessful, charming, witty person that he is incapable of being in person.  He can't sincerely admit that he has a problem because life is working out for him so far.  He has arranged his life to have no financial responsibilities and works a menial job that does not interfere with pursuing this interest.

 
August 28, 2008, 4:51 am CDT

my grandson and internet

I don't know how to keep him off of it. He scares me he goes on the websites that are very voilent . He also is very sexual. His step father and his mother are in the process of a divorce. My daughter wants to be his friend. She see no harm in him being on there. At my house I have the kids computer in the dining room and the internet can only be turned on it from my office in my bedroom. He has a my space and the pictures of young girls I see on there scare me. They are trying to look  very sexy and  like they are asking for trouble. I am so scared of the places he's going on there he has one at his house and he is on it all the time. I am so scared for him he just turned 15 August 26. But he thinks he is all grown up. He is my grandson but to me he is like my son he is two years younger than my son who turns 17 today. I feel like I am fighting this battle alone. Everybody says there is nothing wrong with it but I know there is. They just don't see it they always say I always think the worst.
 
August 28, 2008, 12:28 pm CDT

You have done all that you could do

Quote From: chriskramar

I had tried in 1997 to take the computer out of the home.  This caused him to drive over to an internet cafe to get online or go to his parents house.  Eventually his therapist and his family stated that he was so stressed and that the computer was his only release.  I was mocked that it was "just the computer" and why was I jealous of a few games.

 

I was made to feel guilty that I had a "good man" because at least he was not an alcoholic like so many others we knew.  But his behavior was just as destructive.

 

It still makes me sick thinking of all the times I was laughed at that how could I be jealous of the computer.  This took the focus off of his behavior of every waking minute online, and placed the blame on me.

 

In 1997 I had trouble finding a therapist in Portland, Oregon who even had email, not to mention someone who had seen chat or understood its addictive properties.

 

Kimberly Young published her first paper about the additction in 1996 but I could not get a therapist to read it.  When you are getting help through an HMO with overbooked therapists they just are not going to take that extra step. I worked as hard as I could to support my family, raise two children, and get this man who believed there was nothing wrong some help.

 

My ex had a lot of issues.  Many that he thought he should have been bigger or more important than what he turned out to be.  He got through college, got married, did all the things a person is "supposed" to do but he was not wildly sucessful and expected much more to be handed to him than he was willing to work toward.  In person he is quite a shy person, but in chat he can be the life of the party.

 

He suffered from clinical depression which he would never continue his meds on.  Once he started reading conspiracy theories about medications he never went back on them and got even worse. He won't go back to a therapist which in part I blame on that the doctors he has seen spend 30 minutes with him, write a script, and that is it.  He believes that the advice he gets online from people who have "listened" to him is better than professionals.

 

He has a severe inferiority complex where he is very jealous of what others have and what he believes he cannot accomplish for himself.  He believes that everyone has it easier than him. He is insanely jealous that after the divorce I finished my degree and remarried to a man who is better off financially, but does not see that we work very hard at our family business and do not owe him a thing.

 

Online you can find a group of folks who will agree with whatever nutcase opinion you may have at that moment.  He had friends online who agreed with his decisions, whose opinions were louder to him than my own.

 

There is a lot of comfort for him in crawling into the net to be the attractive, sucessful, charming, witty person that he is incapable of being in person.  He can't sincerely admit that he has a problem because life is working out for him so far.  He has arranged his life to have no financial responsibilities and works a menial job that does not interfere with pursuing this interest.

 Many addicts do not see that and he has to hit bottom before he can see that..You did all that you could then and that is all that you can do. It is sad that your Ex couldn't see his problems before all that happened between you had come to pass.. I would like to keep in touch with you via these boards because most of the posters here are one either rabidly behind Dr. McGraw or in denial of their own problems themselves. You, along with a few others here are brave enough to tell it like it is. I will be around.

Phantom
 
August 28, 2008, 4:26 pm CDT

08/29 Internet Dramas

Quote From: phantom2007

 Many addicts do not see that and he has to hit bottom before he can see that..You did all that you could then and that is all that you can do. It is sad that your Ex couldn't see his problems before all that happened between you had come to pass.. I would like to keep in touch with you via these boards because most of the posters here are one either rabidly behind Dr. McGraw or in denial of their own problems themselves. You, along with a few others here are brave enough to tell it like it is. I will be around.

Phantom

Thank you.

 

I have not been behind Dr. Phil especially about another program where the husband had an online affair and he wanted her to look at what she could have done to be more available to him.  In my opinion she could only be available to the real person that he is, and this man was probably more in love with the fantasy person he could be online.

 

The real living breathing people who see you everyday know your problems but love and support you anyway.  The hurt comes from the realization that such loyalty, and believe me I was fiercely loyal to the end, is not reciprocated by someone who finds the kindness of strangers who only know the fantasy a greater comfort.

 

Internet addiction is one of those issues I think there should be Public Service Announcements about because much of America still sees it as harmless fun. Worse than other addictions I think it will take many more years for a person to bottom out compared to alcoholism or drug abuse.  You don't destroy yourself physically or financially as quickly, but you do lose years of your life.

 

In any situation you have to learn to listen to your gut which going through this taught me.  My gut was screaming louder than anything else when those around me were dismissing how serious the situation had become.  I married him at 19, we were married for 9 years, this is what made me grow up very fast.

 

I would have thought that losing your home, your family, your career, and being publicly humiliated would have been the bottom for most people, but it was not for him. I even believed that his relatives would stop supporting him since they always used to be tremendously judgemental about people who did not pay their bills, which is why I worked so hard and went without many things for years.

 

I have an eye on my kids to make sure that they develop authentic self esteem in the people that they really are and that they do not develop this addiction. I hold very strong opinions about the false self esteem movement which I believe has created a lot more narcissism in our society, just at the time the internet came into play, so that no one knows how to be real.

 

 

 
August 29, 2008, 9:19 am CDT

Fantasy or Reality?

     This is something that I am personally going through.  I am literally contemplating daily about ending a current relationship because of obsessive and addictive behavior.    When I first met this person, he was a member of a role playing writers group online, this is a place where people go and write in a fantasy type genre and was  something that he had been doing for years.

   At first I didnt really see a problem with it, just figured it was a creative outlet for him to partake in, however, as time progressed,  I started noticing that it was less and less a creative outlet and more a part of a larger issue, his obsessive personality.  He would literally stay up all night long online and writing in this forum until around 7 or 8am, then finally go to bed and sleep the entire day away, until later that night, where it would start all over again.

    Our relationship has changed so drastically because of this issue , and  his addiction has compiled and grown into role playing games now  as well. 

   He is 26yrs old, still lives at home with his parents, works only part-time and plays role playing games several times a week as well as continuing the fantasy writings online. 

  He lives in a different state than myself and we fly to see one another  and were in the process of considering a move to be together permanantly.  However, now we have went from talks about being a family one day, and starting a life together to speaking perhaps once  every two weeks and when we do talk  its mostly just about his gaming...the characters, the plots, the progression of this game. We NEVER speak about us anymore...our love,our friendship, our relationship, our future plans....nothing but this game 99 percent of the time.

    I have lost him to this game and to this fantasy life.  He has now went from not just being online role playing and having this fantasy life , to actually finding groups and cafes that allows for get togethers to play this game in person and now preparing to start and run games himself for others. 

     I have went from talking about wedding plans and a future with him to  having to accept that the person that once was , is no longer. This has went from a creative outlet , to his only identity!

    So the question Fantasy or Reality? , he has certainly chosen fantasy ,and that leaves me left out of a reality with him.

 
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