My mom and I lived together for 4 years. I moved her with me when I separated from my husband. She had COPD/Emphysema and Congestive Heart Failure. I was her primary caregiver and watch my mom slowly die.. slowly suffocate, until June 8 when she could no longer breath. My heart hurts so much I feel like I am going to suffocate. I miss her so much. I cry every day, and every night. I light a candle for her every night. My finances were terrible because of the divorce and I had quit my job to care for my Mom. I filed for bankruptcy to try to make things right for us. She took a bad turn in April and was hospitalized and never came home. On June 3rd she entered hospice. I packed up my dog and stayed there with her. On June 5, my bankruptcy was final and I went to her bedside and told her we were debt free. She smiled and nodded at me. On June 8, she died. Two weeks later they took my car and two weeks later, I was almost homeless. I am still almost homeless. A few days after my mom died, I wrote this and sent it to all of my friends. I feel like I can't breath sometimes, feel faint and dizzy everytime I see her picture. I hug her bath robe that I haven't washed and keep her shoes in the trunk of the car that I have now. But I wrote this and wanted to share it with all my friends.
This is detailed.... get tissues if you cry... because I am crying as I write this.
It was beautiful
Sunday morning and I was on the patio area of Hospice talking to XXXXX with Buster out there. Buster loves sitting in the sun. After a few minutes, he got up and went to the door (out of the ordinary) and turned and looked at me. I was surprised because he loves to lay in the sun, but I opened the door. He ran to the left side of my Mom's bed and looked up and then the foot of the bed and looked up and then to the right of the bed looked up and then layed down. I don't know why I said this but I said, "What's wrong Boo Boo, did someone come in here trying to get Granny and you scared them away?" And he just gazed at me.
I don't go to church, but I do believe in God. But it wasn't until about 7:00pm - 15 minutes after my Mom passed, that I truly
BELIEVED THEIR IS A GOD. If it wasn't for the fact that my nephew, ex-husband and our long time family friend X1, were not there - people would say I was crazy when they hear the following story. But it is true and I have witnesses.
X1 and our other family friend X2 had been with me for about 3 hours. My Mom was very restless and pretty much struggling. She was refusing her medications and I was trying to comply with her wishes. But because X1 had been through the same thing with her Mom, she pulled me aside and said, "Anita, honey... I know you love your mother and want to do what she wants, but she's struggling and suffering right now. You have to be the daughter and the Mom right now and tell them to give her the medication. Don't let her go out here struggling, let her go in peace. Let her rest for a while." I had been asking... begging my Mom to take them, but she adamently refused by a small moan. So I asked my Mom again what she wanted but she couldn't respond back. So I told them to give it to her hoping she'd settle in so I could sit beside her as I had for the past month or so.
After about 10 minutes, she started to calm down. I figured, "okay she's settling down now." X1 and X2 had to leave, said goodbye and they'd see her tomorrow. I called my nephew and he said he fell asleep but he was coming to see us and be there shortly. I looked at my Mom and she looked like she was asking for ice. So I said, "Mom, I am going to get you some ice, I'll be right back." My nephew heard me tell her that. I left the room, came back and my cell phone rang. I answered the phone and it was X3. She was sick and wanted to talk and get an update on me and my Mom. I said, "my Mom needs some ice, let me give her some and get settled into my chair next to her and I'll call you back." As I hung up the phone, I noticed her chest wasn't moving anymore. I put my hand on her chest and it still didn't move. "Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, OMG!" I left the room and got the nurse supervisor. I grabbed a towel, held it to my face and went in the corner. Buster was laying at the end of the bed. A couple of other nurses came in and then those words.. "your Mom is making her journey, she's going." I walked over and she took 2 more breaths and she was gone.
I grabbed my cell phone and the nightmare I always dreamed about happened - I couldn't dial the right numbers. Every time I tried to dial, it was dialing wrong! Finally I got X1. I said, "X1, she's gone. She's gone." And she said, "What?" I said, "She's gone that quick." X1 said, "Honey, I am on my way back, hold on." So I reached my nephew and said, "Honey, Granny's gone, Granny's gone." He said, "we just got off the phone." I said, "I know, I know." He said, "I am on my way Auntie." Then I reached ex-husband and he said, "I am on my way."
I was soooo dazed that I took Buster and started pacing outside in the yard. Back and forth, back and forth. Barefoot, crying... I walked to the Memorial Walkway back by the lake. I stood there looking over Lake Erie and saw dark clouds coming across the water. I walked back to the front and X1 was walking across the grass. She hugged me and went in to be with Mom. I told her, "I want these doors open to get some air in here, so I opened the french doors. A few seconds later, my nephew pulled in... he hugged me and went in to be with his Granny. I kept pacing and pacing and pacing in the grass. All the adrenaline that had been in me all these weeks and months was gone and it felt like someone had put 2 bricks on a rope and hung it around my neck. Then I saw my ex-husband. He came, but did not hug me.... I think he was afraid to... but he grabbed my nephew and they went in together.
I stopped pacing and looked up in the sky. I was facing my Mom's room and seeing the lake and the sky above it at the same time. The dark clouds started moving faster and the Sun left. I was crying really hard and my legs gave out. I plopped right to the ground. my nephew, X1 and my ex-husband just stood there looking at me. As I was sitting there, the wind started moving faster and it felt so good on my body. I closed my eyes and all of a sudden, it felt like the wind was circling my entire body... like a tornado and I was in the center of it. I jumped up and said, "X1, do you feel that?" She said, "Yes baby I feel it." I look at my nephew and asked him the same thing, and he said, "Yep I feel it." The sky was swirling, leaves were flying everywhere! No one moved. I called our other friend X3 who lived by the lake up the street. I said, "X3, hurry... go out into your driveway right now, right now." She said, "I am there." I said, "do you feel that?!" She said, "Yes!" I looked at everyone and screamed, "THAT'S MY MOM, SHE'S ON HER WAY... SHE'S ON HER WAY TO HEAVEN... SHE'S FLYING AWAY"... I threw my arms up in the air and yelled, "BYE MOM.... I LOVE YOU!!! X3, yelled in the phone "BYE JEAN, I LOVE YOU!" My nephew yelled, "BYE GRANNY, I LOVE YOU." I looked at everyone and said, "there won't be any rain! She's not going to cry!" The clouds and wind continued moving south and it didn't rain over us... until the Sun came out. And... then guess what happend... no lie, I have witnesses.... When the blue sky came back... there was an opening and my nephew called me and said, Auntie... look in the sky... I look up and in the opening was a darker cloud... and it was perfectly shaped like a HEART! We all just stood there and look up like "Wow!"
I stood there outside the room where my Mom still lay in bed... but I knew she was on her way to a better place. SHE and GOD hugged me out in that yard when that wind wrapped itself around me. That was the most powerful moment of my entire LIFE!
Have you every watched the movie "Our Lady of Fatima?" It's one of my favorite and cherished movies. If you haven't, read about it
here and go get the movie and watch it and it will explain the next paragraph.
I want to SCREAM sometimes. I am scared to leave the house for long. I'm about to lose my car again and maybe even the house I rent. How do people get over this, everyone keeps telling me it will get better. I feel like it just won't ever get better.
(Original Air Date: 09/16/08) Are you prepared for the unexpected? Life is not a success-only journey, but when you're faced with difficult days, you don't have to become a victim. In his new book, Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, Dr. Phil teaches you how to prepare for a crisis before it arrives, and how to get back to better days. One of the most challenging days can come the day your heart is shattered, especially if you experience a loss. Amber says she was living the perfect life. She and her sisters dreamed of marrying a man like their dad and having a great relationship like their parents'. She says they were totally blindsided on Father's Day when their dad told their mom he wanted a divorce. Hear their emotional story and learn what you can expect to feel when you lose something precious to you. Plus, find out Dr. Phil's action plan to help you get through the difficult period. Then, Sylvia is a mother to 4-year-old twins and is seven months pregnant. She was married to a Marine sergeant for seven years who tragically lost his life — not on the battlefield — in a car accident when he returned home. Now, each day is a battle for Sylvia. Dr. Phil shares his action steps for grieving, in an effort to help the mourning mom move forward. Today, Sylvia is struggles to pay for her basic necessities. Don't miss Dr.Phil's amazing surprise for her! Talk about the show here.
